Mixed Signals From Walk-Away-Husband

[FierceHope]

Saturday: I forgot to add that I made a comment that night regarding how that hug wasn't a good one (uncomfortable and half-hearted). I almost didn't say anything, and instead fidgeted in bed a bit, but I changed my mind. Partly because I DO want good hugs if I'm to get them, and partly because this is kind of a 180 for me. I used to want him to "read my mind" and know when and what was bothering me - usually about his actions.

So, I told him the hug wasn't good, and that I'm only telling him because he said he doesn't like it when I hold things like that in. I got a thanks from him, as well as a much better hug!

I'm trying not to read too much into these things, and it was probably not a good idea to say anything... I just don't know quite where we stand. I DO feel I did a 180 about this, but I also think I shouldn't have if I'm doing the Last-Resort Technique!

Sunday: I messed up AGAIN! Something he did kind of set me off inside... And it was truly a minor thing, but something we would do TOGETHER. I ended by saying that I liked it better when we were friends. He said nothing. Probably because we AREN'T friends, not really... Not anymore...

Anyway, I don't bring it up again, but I try distancing myself... We head into the larger town to watch another movie.

So, he acts like everything is the same as always. But this time I don't smile or laugh along with him... If he asks me something directly, I answer, nicely, but I feel like I'm done initiating anything with him... I know that I need to stop pursuing him. But I also feel that not smiling is NOT detaching lovingly... <bang head on desk>

We get to the theater, and I just start walking to the entrance, making sure my posture is good (head up!) AND so he can watch me from behind! He says he likes my butt, so then he can watch it walking AWAY from him...

I get inside before he does, and I look back to see how far behind he is. I decide that he's too far away to hold the door for a stranger, so I head inside. I get seats, and put my purse in the seat to my left. When he arrives later with popcorn and a drink, He tries to set them down, and I cave a little and ask where he's sitting as I'm trying to prevent my purse from slipping between the seats. He indicates the seat to my left, so I pull my purse out. After a bit, he gets up to pee and asks if I want anything while he's out; I decline.

While still waiting for the previews to start, I get a call from a strange number; husband sees it. I answer, and it takes a bit, but I realize it's my other friend, calling from her computer - which explains the bizarre number. I leave the room, and talk briefly with her. I tell her a little about what is going on with my husband and I, and she said she'll call after we return home. When I return to my seat, husband asks who it was; I say it was a friend. He thought it might have been my sister, who is overseas right now, and he checked his "Friends" app to see where she was while I was out.

After the movie, we talk about the movie some, and I try to get him to engage in the conversation more, instead of just the little he said about it. Perhaps he had nothing else to say. <shrug> I drop it and when we get home, I go sit in the spare room and read while I wait for my friend to call.

When I start getting ready to head out, my husband asks where I'm going - I say to talk with a friend. He says "have fun," and I reply that I'll try... So, I drive around our neighborhood and I tell my friend some of what is going on. Her husband is good friends with mine, but I don't know how much they talk to each other.

I read in one of the "37 rules" not to involve family and friends... I hope that meant not to get others to side with me and "attack" his position... It's just that I'm also trying to "set him free" and "open the cage door," and I don't know how to truly move on without letting those closest to me know what I'm going through right now...

[FierceHope]

I think I need to find a new counselor / therapist!

I had another appointment this afternoon, and I do NOT think he is helping me. I feel WORSE after leaving. What kind of person actually ADVOCATES snooping simply because my husband wants out.

I think I'm going to "dump" my therapist and find one who is more solution-oriented. I do not appreciate him telling me multiple times that I should check my husband's phone. I told him to stop mentioning it, and he agreed. Then today he insinuated AGAIN that my husband was cheating on me! MUST I agree with his skewed view of my marriage (when he has never even met my husband, and only hears my side of our problems) for him to help me?

Yes, I understand that a large percentage of people who want to leave a marriage do so because of feelings for another person. And I KNOW I may feel like a fool if I turn out to be wrong about my husband regarding this. But, I do NOT feel that he is cheating on me. I truly don't. If he was, things would be different, but I don't know that they would be worse.

At least if there was another person it would be MUCH easier for me to kick his butt out of the house (let alone our bed) and try to Get a Life! While I don't have an actual person to "compete" with, I think it's nearly as hard competing with an "idea" of a better, happier life! It's a betrayal of our marriage vows either way!

I hope this doesn't offend anybody here who is going through the absolute misery that is an affair... It is not intended that way. I'm just feeling so low right now.

Does anyone have a smidgen of encouragement for me? Is there any hope for a reconciliation? My therapist doesn't believe so... When I asked why my husband hasn't told his parents yet, he said NONE of the men ever do until they HAVE to. And that the parents usually find out from their daughter-in-law!

Any guys want to weigh in on this? I'd love to hear what you all have to say, even if it agrees with him!

[labug]

Get another counselor if he is not meeting your needs or is advising you to do things that you are uncomfortable with.

[littleGTO]

FierceHope,
Again in reading your recent posts I feel I can relate a lot.

There is definitely HOPE if YOU believe there is. No matter how SMALL or MINUTE it may seem at times it is important you keep that line of thinking.

YOu are hugging (that is always good, I think); you are spending TIME together (which I think is HUGE); you still share a bed together (also a plus); it sounds like you can still joke around a bit (laughter is also always good); and you are still TALKING!
Lots of hopeful things here, I think.

I'm glad to hear you are going to get a new C.

[AnotherStander]

But now? WHAT am I to make of this? I'm so confused by his behavior! Little things like getting up to meet each other at the door, welcoming the other home with hugs (and kisses), being genuinely happy to see the other again... ALL those things mean so much to me. They are just one way that I feel loved and cared for... Does he really not know how much it hurts to have him do these things when he still says he wants a divorce?

Is it possible the detaching is working? I know I can't backslide regardless, but it would be nice to have an idea...

It's probably the distance/ pursuit dynamic at work. Detaching involves distancing from the WAS and much of the time the WAS will respond by pursuing. You have to be careful not to overreact, because if you do then he will see it as pursuit and go right back to distancing. Have you read the squirrel analogy?

If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally take the nut from you.

I think I need to find a new counselor / therapist!

I had another appointment this afternoon, and I do NOT think he is helping me. I feel WORSE after leaving. What kind of person actually ADVOCATES snooping simply because my husband wants out.

It sounds like it. Have you considered a DB coach? It can be really tough finding a good solutions- based counselor.

While I don't have an actual person to "compete" with, I think it's nearly as hard competing with an "idea" of a better, happier life! It's a betrayal of our marriage vows either way!

Exactly. It's the same for me, no OM but I'm sure my W has a vision of a Prince Charming just waiting for her out there. It's hard to compete with imaginary perfection!

Does anyone have a smidgen of encouragement for me? Is there any hope for a reconciliation? My therapist doesn't believe so...

Neither did mine. She flat out told me her job was to help me move on even after I told her the whole reason I was there in front of her was to do everything I could to save the M. This place is the only place you'll find hope, everywhere else you turn they'll tell you to "move on". Our society is totally anti-marriage. Don't get discouraged because of that!

[pg1966]

FierceHope,
I know your post is from several years ago. What eventually happened? I'm in a similar situation. My husband says he loves me, wants to be friends/family but wants a divorce, move out and live on his own. I'm devastated.

[Cadet]

FierceHope,
I know your post is from several years ago. What eventually happened? I'm in a similar situation. My husband says he loves me, wants to be friends/family but wants a divorce, move out and live on his own. I'm devastated.

Sorry to hear that.

FierceHope has not been here since
Last Online: 02/12/13 02:06 PM

I would suggest you start your own thread so we can give you some support.

Have you read DR or my normal welcome post?