This is my first post although I have been lurking here for months. I have read DB and DR several times, so I get what should and shouldn't be done...i'm just really bad at it, I have no patience and thats what you need above all else.
No BD but I discovered an affair in January through looking at the phone bill, I trusted this man completely and this is so out of character for him. He turned really mean shortly after but denied the affair for months saying they were "just friends" she worked with him although she lives in another state from us. He filed for divorce in Febuary an from what I gather she dumped him in March after her fiance found out.
He still lived at home in separate rooms. In July I found out he may be interested in my neighbors daughter who moved back home with her 2 kids...she is also a stripper!!! We have known this girl for years and we both have been disgusted by her, H especially, she uses abortion as a form of contraception. Our oldest son found them in hiscar together at 1am at a gas station in August and he denied, denied, denied. He moved out 2 days later and in with his parents. His dad died last week from cancer he was 66, I think he might get worse now.
He CAN'T look at me when he talks to me or if he even talks to me. I don't call or text unless it has to do with the kids or a bill...he comes to see the kids twice a week for about 1 1/2 hours each time, this from a man who was with them constantly their whole lives. I really think he hates me and this hurts so much as we were best friends for 22 years. Is it too late to turn this around? Words of wisdom is greatly needed.
Thanks everyone.
M 41 H 43 M 22 S 18 S 14 D 11 Affair discovered 1/12 He filed 2/12 OW#2 7/12 she lives next door. D pending
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I'm sorry you need the board. You will find lots of wisdom and support from people who understand this bizarre situation we find ourselves.
I could have written your story almost to the stripper! My H is living with? I think anyway? with a woman covered in tattoos who is renown for being slutty, a drug addict and has some serious emotional problems AND has fake boobs! Pretty is not the word that comes to mind when you see this woman. More like "God, wonder how many years she has been in jail." She is on disability--which she doesn't need because of some emotional issue. My H used to rail against anyone using the system like this. He would get irate about people like her who abuse the system so they don't have to work. Soooooo weird.
I discovered the affair in Jan by looking at the phone records. I told him to stay away. I spent almost 8 months yelling, pleading, screaming, crying, begging raging at him through some really sick text messages. I was pretty much texting him 24/7.
Since I read DB in Oct., I've changed my tune. I'm working hard to focus on my new business, my kids and my own sanity. Instead of texting him, I post a message here when I feel a burning desire.
It's hard to see someone you trusted so deeply treat you with such disgust. It's not him though. Snodderly said, I think on this thread or another, that his real self is buried deep in his soul right now. I agree with this.
It's never too late. I've seen some baby steps from H since I've started following DB and the veterans on this board. You can do this. I know the feeling that you can't resist telling him "this one thing" that may shake him into reality. Don't. If the desire keeps tugging at you, post it here. Ask for suggestions, vent, put the question out there--Should I relate this info to H? You will get an answer and it comes from lots of experience.
The really hard part is accepting that H may never return and living your life. It gets easier. Ironically, you may only be able to save your marriage by accepting it's over. Not that you have to rush to court, but in your heart--allow yourself to go there-no matter how much it hurts. Once you really let go, miracles can happen. And, not necessarily with your H.
I've experienced sooooo many miracles during this journey.
Let him figure this out. I try to think of it this way...at least with this very troubled woman he's with, I don't feel all that threatened--for the most part. You just have to take one look at her to see how screwed up H is right now. She looks very hard like someone who has been through ALOT. She's no Heidi Klum--now that would be hard to take!
Look for the blessings where you can find them.
Hang in,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This crap is so unbelievable,hurtful, devastating and any other word you'd like to add on.
H comes to see the kids twice a week but the last few times he wont even come to the house he asks our S to meet him with the younger two kids somewhere...I think he does this because he doesn't want OW to know he came to HIS home.
We have known the OW for 9 years, shes a disgusting human being and we ALWAYS felt this way. She also takes government assistance as a handout not a hand up and this also ticked H off about people who did this.
I truly think he has hate for me which is so hard because he has always been so protective of me. I have no family in this country I came to America from Scotland when I was 19 for him so I feel so abandoned by him for everything including finishing raising our 3 kids. Have a good night
p.s I don't know how this forum thing works but it seems to take awhile for my posts to show up, I started this thread on oct 26th and it didn't post till nov 1st...is this normal?
M 41 H 43 M 22 S 18 S 14 D 11 Affair discovered 1/12 He filed 2/12 OW#2 7/12 she lives next door. D pending
caigy, I'm sorry you are here, but you are safe in posting here. There are so many wonderful posters here that will assist you along the way as your walk the path of MLC.
It's never too late to DB and there is always hope in any situation. Please remember DB is for you so that you can learn how to communicate better w/your spouse and others and it also helps you learn how to detach and not react to each and every word or deed he does.
The affair will have to die a slow death and one of its own making. Nothing you say or do will end it. In fact, discussing the affair will only make him that much determined to continue it. He will do everything he can to protect her.
He can't look at you because of guilt and shame for what he's done and maybe doing now. The eyes are the window to the soul and they always are very honest when looking at others. He truly doesn't feel comfortable being around you because of what he's doing. That being said, leave him alone, give him plenty of space to choke on and lots of time to find himself.
Your h does not hate you...in fact, he hates himself right now as well as the world he's living in. He has to act this way in order to justify why he's doing what he's doing. His feelings for you are stuffed way down in his soul for now, but there will be periods of clarity later on when he will actually act normal, but don't be fooled...they don't last very long and he's back in the fog of mlc.
Does he take the kids out when he comes to visit? Does he interact w/them when he's there or does he just sit and watch TV?
This journey is not for the faint of heart, so dig deeper for patience because you are going to need it and learn to come here when you need to vent. Do not take your anger out on him, for this will push him away even further as they do not like to be reminded of what they are doing. If you don't have boundaries, set some so that you feel comfortable in your home. Also, be sure to protect your assets. He may be on the road to spending quite a bit in a few week/months.
Contine to do what you are currently doing, i.e., no textings or calls except for emergencies or something to do w/the kids.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Let go, let God have him for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am responding right away but I have no idea when it will show up
We have 3 kids S 17 whho is very straight to the point with his dad and has no problem letting his thought be known to him. S13 has always been extremly close to his dad like 2 peas in a pod, they both have ADD so they always clicked...but now hes the one he pushes away the most. D9 just wants to be daddy's little girl so she still calls and text him alot and she seems to be the only one he still tries to stay close to...is it because she doesn't question him?
He takes them out to eat now on his 2 nights aweek or when he fits them in, I stay out of his way when hes here or I go out. He has had them 2 overnights since he left in mid-august by HIS choise NOT MINE, but yet he tells people that I'm keeping his kids from. Wtf?
As for spending he's been spending ALOT to impress his welfare recipient/stripper but I know better than anyone how much money we have.
P.s D9 called him at 10:30am and he was still not at work...this is not him either to neglect his job.
M 41 H 43 M 22 S 18 S 14 D 11 Affair discovered 1/12 He filed 2/12 OW#2 7/12 she lives next door. D pending
Today our dog hurt his leg, he had a big gash in it looks like he got caught in a trap.
H was out with the boys at the time so when he got back I showed him the dog and how worried I was. H layed on the floor with him, petted him, talked to him...then he cleaned his wound put ointment on it and bandaged him up...showed alot of love to him like in the past.
When he left S17 said "how can he show such compassion to the dog but show none to us" We all started cracking up laughing, but made me wonder why is this?
M 41 H 43 M 22 S 18 S 14 D 11 Affair discovered 1/12 He filed 2/12 OW#2 7/12 she lives next door. D pending
