Portia, I wouldn't say ILY first. I would follow his lead and go from there. Saying ILY may feel like pursuit to him.
What works when they are playing the pursuit/distancer dance? Not taking the bait when you are being very quiet. Generally, if they sense that your interest is elsewhere or your are not pursuing them, they will peek out of the tunnel and may contact you and give you false hope that they are starting to warm up again....don't take the bait! It's to get you pursuing them again so that they can bash you w/talk of separation/divorce. It's their way of justifying what they are doing and some may say "see, she/he can't leave me alone and that's why I don't want to reconcile w/her/him". The best thing you can do is sit quietly and if he does peek out, accept him for who he is right now, but don't react. It's difficult, but once you see the dance steps you are taking, you'll get the hang of it.
Be a friend, listen, don't offer up advice unless he should ask you for it. Keep your expectations at zero at all times. Don't call or text him unless it is an emergency. If he contacts you, wait a bit before responding back. Do not share everything you are doing w/him. He needs to miss you and wonder what you are doing.
Do not talk about the ow. She is absolutely nothing but a bandaid to his wound. The more you talk about her or try to find out things about her from him, the more protective he will be of her. Don't give her space in your head...she's not paying rent.
Portia, what you are feeling w/respect to shock, is very normal. It's going to take you some time to find your footing, but you will. Our family is wonderful here and everyone will help you any way that they can.
Keep the focus on you for now. Watch your finances.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia, Take a look at the links that Cadet provided to you. There is one specifically on Pursuit and Distance. It might provide some answers to your questions about what to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry if it seemed I was suggesting proclamations of love. I was really simply inquiring whether that had been, or currently is, part of Portia's communications.
Portia,
Your sitch seems a little unique to me. From what you've said, you were the one who kept distance?
The challenge comes attempting to do a 180 which for you would mean to get closer to your MLCer BUT DB says give the MLCer space. Definitely a tricky feat.
Maybe you'll have to do a 90 degree somehow.
I like Snodderly's approach and your suggestion of a silent week.
Unfortunately, there's no course of action that's swift or easy. And as for feeling like a mess, well, you have good reason. Give yourself a break. This is some really hard stuff to deal with.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Thank you everyone for your responses and kindness.
Thank you, Snodderly. I have been reading Cadet's links - some more than once! But MRS. hit the nail right on the head:
Originally Posted By: mrsrjd
Your sitch seems a little unique to me. From what you've said, you were the one who kept distance?
The challenge comes attempting to do a 180 which for you would mean to get closer to your MLCer BUT DB says give the MLCer space. Definitely a tricky feat.
I am taking this week for me, but if I want to at least be open to the possibility or chance that this MLC phase will pass and that we can make a life together, I need to try.
There are lots of suggestions for the "pursuers" - keep a low profile, no touching, etc. but there are very few actual suggestions for us distancers. Lots of "DON'Ts" but not many "DOs". I am already learning my lessons in patience and "this is not within your control". Very hard lessons for me!
And here is another question: When I asked how he sees this "friendship" going, he said he saw us talking and discussing like we used to over the phone after his work and that he was hoping that I would get a cell phone again so that we could text each other and work on our friendship that way. Of course, he just finished mentioning that he and OW were thinking of moving in together, so exactly how was he going to talk to me every night? I think she might mind! That aside, I know that one of the things the DR book says is "try a different medium" but my concern is that our contact will then be reduced to texting and nothing else. Would that type of contact be better than none at all?
Feeling a little stupid today. I know how to be a friend. But I sure don't know how to be an MLCers friend.
Thanks again everybody.
MRS. - I visited your thread and I am so sorry for your situation - yours is close and mine is far away - and I think both our situations reek. My posts take awhile to show up since I am still new but I will drop you a line when I can.
Do not talk about the ow. She is absolutely nothing but a bandaid to his wound. The more you talk about her or try to find out things about her from him, the more protective he will be of her. Don't give her space in your head...she's not paying rent.
Thanks, Snodderly.
I am trying.
This is so much easier said than done! I posted on someone else's thread that I agreed and absolutely understood her anger that if there were problems or whatever, why bring in the OW before the BD but deny her to your last breath until you were caught red-handed? Why the hiding and the constant lies and more lies? Justified by "I wanted to ease you into this" and "I believed not telling you was a white lie to keep from hurting you." So contradictory! Did he really think that the existence of OW was something I could be "eased into"? Seriously?
Of course, he just finished mentioning that he and OW were thinking of moving in together, so exactly how was he going to talk to me every night? I think she might mind
That made me laugh Portia. It just shows how convoluted the brain of an MLCer is.
I think some of your answers may come with time. You're just going to have to pay close attention to what is and isn't working for your sitch.
I'd say definitely give him the impression that everything is coming up rainbows for you - people are drawn to happiness.
Remember, and this one is SO HARD, to have no expectations. You seem to be a person of great action - you come across to me as very dynamic. I think you (as we all do more or less) are still expecting to say "the right words" to make all this go away. You have to let go of that idea. See the quote above? THAT IS NOT A RATIONAL MIND. You cannot reason with that mind.
Quote:
Would that type of contact be better than none at all?
You have to answer that question.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Thank you MRS. You are so right. I bet that quite a lot of us are "fixers" and that is what makes this so hard. I know I can't fix him and trying to fix the crappy, heartachy feeling in me is challenging.
Mornings were never my favourite time of the day and now they seem to be the worst time of the day for me.
The constant ache in my chest that I cannot will away.
I thought by taking some time off from the obessive research, reading and planning would do me some good. Not really, as it turns out. I am still in the "is this really happening?" stage.
My rational mind says yes, it is. My new reality is that the person I trusted most in this world betrayed me and is now with someone else. And in my most honest moments, I have to concede that our long distance relationship has very little chance of appealing to an MLCer whose personality and desires have truly become the opposite of what they were. The OW is there with him physically and that counts for a lot.
He called this weekend to chat but I was not home to answer the phone. The contact is positive, I think, so I go UP....and then when I returned his call late the next day, he was not home or did not pick up. I immediately think he is with OW, and DOWN I go.
All the advice is to DETACH. Just a word for me right now, I am afraid.
Yesterday afternoon, I was feeling OK. I did do some DR reading. I am trying to "start with a beginner's mind" and try to think of us as we were when we were first starting to get to know each other. It is so hard to do. And I hate the OW is there complicating things. I know it is wrong but I just cannot help but feel if she was not there that this would be somehow easier. Then, I think that maybe it is necessary for her to be there so that he can figure out exactly what it is that he wants. I am trying not to dwell on the fact that he may decide OW is what he wants.
I am trying my best to get a grip on my own emotions, but even three months in, I just cannot seem to marshall them.
My first, small GAL goal is to function better at work.
My DBing goal for the next few weeks are to "Act As if" we are still the best of friends - warm, light and friendly when we speak - so that we will both be comfortable enough to meet in a month's time when I am visiting in the area. (If we do not see each other, I still have plenty reason to enjoy my visit!) But the last time that I was nearby and he did not see me, it really bothered him. I know because he repeatedly brought it up - I never did. I am trying not to look too far forward though. I do not want to feel so disappointed.
Sigh. I recognize this is a growing experience but man, does it hurt - mentally and physically.
Portia, The ache in your chest will not go away for quite some time. You are grieving for the loss of your marriage and the man your h once was. Allow those feelings to wash over you and then let them go. This is the time that you must be kind to yourself and do not expect to be Ms. Suzy Sunshine all of the time. It's okay to cry and have down moments.
Detaching takes time and you will learn the art of detaching as you walk the path. You will find that by detaching, you can find your balance once again and not get sucked into his drama.
Portia, the ow is nothing more than a bandaid. If he had not hooked up w/her, it would have been someone else. When they are in mlc, they are looking for someone to rescue, someone that will look up to them and ask nothing of them in return, at least in the beginning. I know it's difficult, but you need to try to turn your focus to something else when thoughts of the ow enter your mind.
Try not to look to far ahead as things could change very quickly. Keep your focus on on the here and now and the most important thing...keep your expectations at zero when it comes to your h and what you think he should or shouldn't be doing or saying. If your expectations are zero, you won't be disappointed.
I'm glad to read that you are thinking about what you want to do to GAL.
Hang in there. Things will get better in time. Don't be too hard on yourself...you are still very new to this journey.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So sorry for your pain, I am a newbie but feel like a vet as every minute of this insanity seems like a year.
My H has moved out and is pretty much living with OW2, so absolutely agree with Snodderly that if it wasn't her it'd be someone else. Doesn't stop it hurting but makes me utterly determined to never ever give her one more moment of power over my life. The start of Oct was heinous as he was in full monster mode and I reciprocated. After seeing her posts on FB I realised how crazy I'd been to allow the baggage any headspace or power. From that moment I have been pacific, zen, calm, use whatever adjective works for you. But just keep on that track. Be light, calm, and DO NOT contact him. Even if he rings you and leaves a message, don't call back.
It is exceedingly hard to do, but I promise you it does get easier. Just keep practicing it sweetheart. I too was a bit of a distancer, (somewhat in response to his emotional shut down and a year of pursuing him without response) so I also struggle with finding constructive things to do.
Yet I have realised I just need to get on with my life. It isn't what I want but in truth I've had a lot of fun these last couple of months. I've forced myself outside my comfort zone, and mostly it's been cool. I would recommend you just try to accept things as they are. Yeah, I know easy to say right?! But I have found the more I resist this sh@t the harder it gets, and the more he moves away from me. Do I still hurt? Absolutely. Will I be fine in the end? For sure. It's just difficult watching him act like an 18 year old loon, but nothing I've done so far has had any impact so now I'm determined to manufacture my life and make it fabulous. If he comes back to me great. If not, so be it.
You can get through this and you will. Stay strong honey. Peace. X
So sorry to hear you are in pain. I was the last to know too. It hurts. Alot. And, the butt dial musta been awful. I'm also sorry you are being blamed.
This isn't your fault. Nothing to do with you. And, it does get better. My BD was about a year ago when my H said he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married to me because he felt like I was riding on his coattails. "You seem like a burden."
You will get through the hardest part. Just make sure to reach out and ask for what you need. I've spent hours researching, online, reading, etc... Do whatever it is that makes you feel better and helps you get through. The only way out is through.
You can do it!!!
Much Love, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
