My H and I have been together 18 years, I'm 42 he's 41. We had a typical passionate love affair that got interrupted by life. We started working together 5 years ago in his family business, I am very driven and controlling and he is quite conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. Mostly I thought we were a good team. I'm very close to his Mum, Sister and our nieces. I was also very close to his Dad, but sadly he died 4 years ago and that is when I really noticed that my H was starting to shut down and become emotionally distant.
Looking back I think he was really depressed and I didn't do anything to help him, nagged, pursued etc. I also realise that he started to get a porn obsession approx 2 years ago, but I have only realised that since BD 1 (Nov last year OW1) and since other revelations.
We had a false R, he seemed to find it incapable to open up to me. Again I did everything wrong. I just never seemed to be able to reach me. We both tried but we were trying the wrong stuff. No real communication. This was Dec 2011 until July 2012 when I realised he'd totally checked out again.
So today, he moved out first week Sept, he had been involved with OW1 again OW2 both since July. He dumped OW1 as OW2 is single and available and from his past. She's also a master manipulator with a history of breaking up relationships. Very different situation from OW1 last year as he's moved in with her although ostensibly meant to be living at his Mums. However as he's staying at OW2's house every night I feel that is semantics.
My concern is this, he is desperate to move full speed ahead to divorce and total separation. I'm doing a good job of GAL and NC but we see each other Mon-Fri at work. I spend a fair bit of time with his family, which he doesn't. He doesn't spend time with his friends. If he's not at work he's with OW2 and her two kids. I think he's having an MLC but is it just a WAS? And does it actually make any difference to how you respond?
I suppose that is the million dollar question. I am still in two minds about standing, he seems so certain of his choices and that I am the enemy but even though my head says it's done, my heart doesn't agree!
Any advice guys, I've read the DB book over and over, read stuff here and all over. Recognising what I did wrong in my M, recognising why I did what I did wrong, recognising what needs weren't being fulfilled by my H and why. Doing what I can to make me the best possible version of me, and just being grateful for my life. Even though I'm hurting I'm happy to be alive and grow through this crazy experience.
Sorry to hear you are going through this.. It does seem like you might have a little bit of both WAS AND MLC.. I am by no means an expert but it seems to me that he might have been in MLC and then the death of F sent him into full destructor mode.
The biggest thing right now in my opinion is to find.a job outside of the family. Create some distance. I had to do this in my sitch as working together 5 days a week was adding tons of pressure and allowing more room for backsliding which was pushing W further.
After getting a job out of where W worked I noticed a difference in W's demeanor at home. It was for the best even though my heart wanted to hang onto the jobs because I could see her more.
Next thing I see is that it does not seem that you have opened yourself up to completely forgiving your H and decided M with him is 100% what you want. Am I correct in this assumption?
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Well truthfully if he told me he wanted to come back tomorrow I'd say yes, absolutely, but there are conditions. And I don't know if he would be prepared to tolerate the conditions. Things like MC and rules re OW etc.
Also, the more time I've had to think about my life with him, although I truly do love him, I also realise I got complacent, but so did he. He didn't really want to put the effort into our relationship to make it great. Yet he's doing it with OW2 so it's not that he can't be bothered, he just can't be bothered with ME!!
And that makes me wonder. Is it worth standing? I think part of my ambivalence is because he is acting like I am so utterly worthless. It makes me question everything. I am also wondering if I don't just love him but our lives, our home, our potential together. Maybe I am thinking of waiting because I am scared to face another future? Or maybe I just want to "win".
I am ok with working him right now, I have no way to get out unless I start up my own business which I am looking into. Plus as he's moved out I don't get to see him at all so it's not like I can do any of the DB stuff unless I am here.
I realise I do love him. He's a good man in a dark place. I guess I feel so bad because I am out of control and I hate it.
He dumped OW1 as OW2 is single and available and from his past. She's also a master manipulator with a history of breaking up relationships.
So if this is her history then she must have been involved in several such relationships. I don't see how this one could last if that's the case.
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My concern is this, he is desperate to move full speed ahead to divorce and total separation.
That's on him, don't do anything to help move it along. And don't ever initiate conversations about it, he'll just view it as pressure. Just act "as if" everything is fine and work on your PMA (positive mental attitude). You just want to show him a confident, happy you.
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I'm doing a good job of GAL and NC but we see each other Mon-Fri at work.
Just be sure to show him that confidence, happiness and PMA. Even if you're not talking to him then show it when you're talking to others or just in the same area. By the way, detachment does not mean to ignore him or act cold and indifferent towards him. It just means giving him space.
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I think he's having an MLC but is it just a WAS? And does it actually make any difference to how you respond?
The DB'ing approach is largely the same, the big difference is MLC usually takes much longer to resolve than WAS. MLC can go on for years.
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Any advice guys, I've read the DB book over and over, read stuff here and all over. Recognising what I did wrong in my M, recognising why I did what I did wrong, recognising what needs weren't being fulfilled by my H and why. Doing what I can to make me the best possible version of me, and just being grateful for my life. Even though I'm hurting I'm happy to be alive and grow through this crazy experience.
Good, well you're taking the right approach. Use the opportunity to improve yourself. Give H space and time. Hopefully he'll return to reconcile, but if he doesn't you'll still emerge stronger, more confident and better prepared for the next R.
Can't tell you how much I appreciate your input. My family and closest friends just think I need to jettison him. That may happen but I need to know I have done my best for my M and "us" no matter how hideous he is being at times.
H just here to remove more of the little stuff he has left here. This after I overheard him booking a holiday for him and OW2, which admittedly he tried to keep quiet at work. He wasn't so keen to keep the purchase of a new, bigger, "better" Mercedes so quiet. Seemed to enjoy telling me all about it! WTH? I decided to just be really calm and asked him if he was excited and that I was happy for him.
It hurts to see him moving on. Instead of moping and obsessing about him coming over tonight, I went for a run with the dog. I have even helped him move stuff out of the house. It actually feels right to be "good" to him. No matter what we shared so many years together, his behaviour is on him.
I can't believe OW2 is really his "soulmate". She is so damaged and degenerate she's putting stuff on Facebook about her shiny new life. (We have mutual friends) I really do believe this is a game to her and I also think he is a good guy in a bad space. It bothers me I actually give a s**t, but I am trying to detach.
Can't tell you how much I appreciate your input. My family and closest friends just think I need to jettison him.
Michele talks about this in DR, it is very, very common. They actually want that for selfish reasons, they don't want to deal with you in this state and they have the false perception that if you ditch him then you'll return to normal.
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H just here to remove more of the little stuff he has left here. This after I overheard him booking a holiday for him and OW2, which admittedly he tried to keep quiet at work. He wasn't so keen to keep the purchase of a new, bigger, "better" Mercedes so quiet.
Wow, that certainly sounds like MLC.
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It hurts to see him moving on. Instead of moping and obsessing about him coming over tonight, I went for a run with the dog. I have even helped him move stuff out of the house. It actually feels right to be "good" to him. No matter what we shared so many years together, his behaviour is on him.
Good, you should always show him a happy, confident you even if you're hurting inside. You want to show him someone he would want to come back to. Think about what you were like back when y'all met and try to make yourself more like that again.
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I can't believe OW2 is really his "soulmate". She is so damaged and degenerate she's putting stuff on Facebook about her shiny new life.
If he's MLC then that R too will very likely fall apart. They're still in the puppy love stage for now.
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I really do believe this is a game to her
If that's the case then she's probably already losing interest since he's no longer at home. The "challenge" is gone. She'll probably start looking for her next mark soon.
