Creating your own Closure

[Kimmerz]

Hello all, last thread wracked up to 10 pages lickity split. Time for a new one.

Yesterday I was thinking about things, and wondering why I still feel this need to connect with XH. Im aware that the kind of relationship I need and want he will NEVER be able to provide. He hasn't for years, why would he do it now?

Then it dawned on me. I don't think Im really longing for a connection, but what Im really longing for is CLOSURE.

With MLC (which Im convinced is middle aged ONSET nacissism.. MY OPINION ONLY) unless they do come through the tunnel, closure will never happen. How can closure happen if they never really cut those apron strings in the first place? Consistently flip flop between acting out love and hate towards us? I mean for crying out in the night, no wonder we live in a state of hell for so long!

So, through all the grief, letting go, getting a life, and rebuilding ourelves, I think it's really up to us to create our own closure.

Closure is being able to say your sorry, and acknowledge wrong doings that contributed to problems. Truly having some respect for the other when you part ways, and striving to part on good terms. Summarizing your relationship and realizing it's not working, on both parts.

Closure is not pointing the finger and blaming the other for the unhappiness and misery. It's not making a laundry list of everything you've done wrong in the last 20 years till present and when offered a sincere apology from the other just shrugging it off and not even acknowledging the apology. It is not cake eating and jumping back and forth over that fence testing which grass is greener. It is not giving a day or two of emotional availability, or physical availability, then be completely unaccessible for any given time.

So here's to all us LBS's that have lived through the MLC hell and continue to keep putting one foot infront of the other. Through all the destruction and chaos we are left to sift through, may we find the true diamond in the rough.

Ourselves.

And in finding ourselves, we create the closure we need.

[SunnyBurst]

Wow Kim this is very powerful - this is gonna sound like a rant but I am just gonna go with what I feel right now

I don't know how to balance this myself - fact is we become passive and submissive and basically let them do what they want -- no relationship can survive if the person we are trying to reach has ceased to value us at all -- while bending may serve a purpose I don't think anyone can value us when we are trying so hard to save something the other person does not want.

My therapist says NO ONE RISES TO LOW/NO EXPECTATIONS - if you let someone do whatever they want to you and put up with it they will turn up he heat and try to break you -- OUR ONLY POWER LIES IN LEARNING TO VALUE OURSELEVES and stop reacting -- WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO SAY WE ARE SORRY AND FORGET ABOUT IT OURSELVES this is something that gets lost because the MLC dumps so much blame and guilt on us WE BUY IT - and when they think we believe they are right we give them more power cuz if we own up to it THEY MUST BE RIGHT - IT MUST BE US.

Sorry about that rant but I am feeling FED UP today -- just some thought I am having in the LBS jungle today -- LOL

I will probably contradict all of this in tomorrow and through the next week I am having a LBS crisis --

Thanks for this post it's awesome --

[Kimmerz]

Sunny Burst,

This is wonderful what you posted! I really like what you had to say, and agree with it 100%!

That is something I've learned over these past 18 months since BD, Divorce, and now after divorce. Bending SERVES NO ONE!

I used to get mad at myself for bending and letting XH cake eat and not stand up to all the crap I let him pull for several months. But now I don't get mad because I was doing the best I could in a very, very emotinal situation, let alone insane situation.

But eventually I did realize I could no longer allow his spewing influence all my choices. And that during our marriage I came to have 0 expectations of him and didn't require him to meet me half way on anything. I decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore. I am so glad I made that choice. Im sure XH doesn't like that. But quite frankly.... I really don't give a damn anymore!

[AJM]

Sunny, I think what you are describing is how we act while in shock. We are not consistent. We tend to follow old patterns and listen to those we used to trust, but no longer do. In part because of that, we spin. They spin. We continue to spin. Feels like being on a roller coaster.

It's not until we stop spinning and detach (step back too) from the situation and really see things that we realize what is going on. That can take a long time and takes a huge toll. Our ideals and thoughts are shattered. Incomplete. Our souls feel like they are torn. In some ways, they are.

In the aftermath of the sewage that is ceremoniously dumped on us, we learn to climb above it.

You can't see enough to apologize for your own shortcomings until you do that because you can't see them at this point. That takes time. It really does. And when you do, it hurts. It's tempting to blame the other and run away. But we have the advantage of not being nuts/schizo. We have the ability to see more clearly and the more we detach, the more we can see things clearly. Then, and only then are we really ready to embrace what happened. What led up to it. We are ready to face our own demons. It never happens fast enough for us though, does it?

At some point, you'll figure it out and stop contradicting yourself. You'll accept your faults and let those that aren't yours go. You'll get angry along the way. You'll accept what is. You'll detach from the outcome even though it is not what you thought you wanted. You'll stop bending to their whims and accusations and you'll get off the ride. You may wonder still what happened, but you'll realize it is not important why it happened. It never was.

And you'll begin to live your life. A full life.

Along the way, your spouse will struggle with the same things and the guilt of what their reaction to the dynamic was. They may or may not figure out their part and own up to it. They may become and stay a monster toward you for reasons you cannot explain.

But you'll live your life and will let go of the anger. You'll own up to your parts. You'll have a clean slate and will rebuild. Better. Faster. Stronger. Wiser.

It was once said that with wisdom comes sorrow. I believe that. I can't change it.

Feel what you feel Sunny. You'll see more of what K is talking about and will either agree or disagree that what she says means the same to you as it does for her. But she's right about one thing - we are a diamond in the rough and we are worth it. Nobody can take that away but we can give it away and do for a short period of time. We learn to take it back because it's ours and we need to.

Peace,

AJ

[beatrice]

Your previous thread, and this one have raised some powerful issues - I believe as we live authentically we become our own person once more. That phrase is so easy to write and so hard to do though.

As to closure. Yes, I spent a long long time really wanting it, and I believe I needed it. But it is very clear that I am not going to get it from my xh, and so we have to find ways of creating it.

The technique of writing our MLC spouse a letter or series of letters about how we feel - what we feel about their actions, how we miss them how they hurt and impoverished us . . . .anything really, and then we write the response we would want to have from them, acknowledging our hurt, and so on.

It doesn't heal us totally, but it goes a long way to soothing us because by writing out our hurt we are telling them. I think journalling is a part of that, and I no longer journal.

I felt as if I lost a part of my own soul when my xh walked on on me and the family. It felt as if I was diminished by his not being around, not being a part of who I was. It is a terrible thing to lose someone you love and value, and if it is a loss by personality change and infidelity it seems even harder.

But I think that learning to give ourselves closure is a part of acceptance, that it has happened, and that most of them stay out there, lost and broken. There is nothing we can do except to tend to ourselves and those we love and who love us. And become the best person we can be.

[SunnyBurst]

You can't see enough to apologize for your own shortcomings until you do that because you can't see them at this point. That takes time. It really does. And when you do, it hurts. It's tempting to blame the other and run away. But we have the advantage of not being nuts/schizo. We have the ability to see more clearly and the more we detach, the more we can see things clearly. Then, and only then are we really ready to embrace what happened. What led up to it. We are ready to face our own demons. It never happens fast enough for us though, does it?

Thanks for so such stuff for me to think about - thing is I realize my part in all of it - it kills me and rips me apart trying to forgivr myself is hard - I had this beautiful wonderful girl who loved me so much and now she can't even look at me because I was not the best I could be -- I thought she would always be there no matter what - and I was wrong -- but she knows this and she uses my guilt against me and it stinks. I have apologized so many times it doesn't make a difference she doesn't care and says it is to late.

afain thanks for all your words AJ

I tank God I found this place

Sunny

[AJM]

Hmm.. I think Sunny, that there could be more to it than "it's my fault" don't you?

Either way, if you apologized and meant it, then there is no reason to say it again. If she chooses to keep that in the forefront, then so be it. That doesn't give you license to unforgive yourself and keep suffering.

I'm at a loss a bit. I had the opposite problem. There was very little for her to blame me for(she made up much she no longer remembers now) I honestly felt like I had not lived in my own life when the dust settled! That was harder for me than if I had caused the issues.

In the end, she left. The marriage ended because she quit trying to make things work. My ex did same. Is what it is and it's time for you to forgive yourself for your issues. Work on them and put them behind you.

Make sense?
AJ

[nero]

I am agreeing with you like mad. it is the power- and we do allow them to have it. it is not a pretty thing...

my h is not particularly verbally abusive- the reverse really. just pleasant acting but doesn't communicate and we are definitly "not connected" . it's awful on a daily basis - and on a daily basis i kind of detest myself for allowing it to go on. i do feel that i'm only human and in pain here- but then have alwasy thought a bit more of my guts and gumption than to just be a stinking doormat. which i may be at the moment. very hard to be objective about this ...

and i'm having big trouble letting go and i'm also fed up to my eyeballs with it all. this man does not see my value at all (fool). it hurts like mad to feel totally like nothing to him. - he is so busy blaming me for all his junk- he has become unable to appreciate me. I've given him waay too much credit for being a nice & smart guy- NOT...

I'M WITH you tho, i flip and flop too daily - i think i need to just say no and make a giant gesture- i think the last thing i need to do is that - it all stinks alot and this very minute i hate him like mad (just letting loose here for the moment- feels quite nice to say something stupendously rotten). i'm pretty sure he's with ow and so of course i am fighting my continual urge to write an e-mail and tell him/them to go die somewhere and get out of my life. oh well.... why i keep fighting it- who the heck knows???

no extra charge for rant- you guys sure make sense to me..

[AJM]

Why is saying that a 'stupendously rotten' thing to say?

The flipping and flopping are the worst. But we all know, deep down inside, we always have the option. We are always free to choose. What I think we fear is that we'll throw in the towel too early. We don't feel "sure" right? And yet we long to feel "sure" of things again. To make choices we can live with and be happy about them as the "right" thing as we know it.

Is he a nice/smart/handsome guy? I dunno. You thought so at one point. But are you dealing with damaged goods? Or is he a snake and has been plotting this for years and years?

If you're not connected, then why does it hurt? Are you a masochist? Or just patient? Do you have limits to how much pain you'll endure?

These are all things we get to find out in time... until tested we aren't really "sure" right?

It seemed a good time to ask some questions, nero.

AJ
P.S. I still like your writing style. Not sure why, but it's an easy reading cadence to me.

[forward]

I think closure comes quietly for many, and over time. Detaching is important as it allows us to find ourselves again and start living a life that is not focused on the former spouse. One has to do this to grow and be able to look at the spouse and R with a less emotional and more objective eye.

It's baffling to realize that our spouses are peculiar blends of who we knew. It's hard to recognize some of the particularly unkind things that they might have done are acts of the same person who might have been wonderful for us once. These things take a long time to come to terms with. And it's OK if it takes a long time.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have some moments of "What if...". But now I see them as just that: moments, pangs of regret or even fantasy that pass.

I feel sorry for X, but I also realize that pity and love aren't the same thing. What we need is not necessarily what we want. And I think I understand what I NEED better now. X is not capable of being the kind of man that I need.