I'm hoping to hear any suggestions or support from you guys who have been there, and maybe what you would do in my situation? With emotions, it's hard to know the right thing to do in the moment when everything makes no sense.
I've posted here before about 7 months ago after I had just found out my husband of 4 years had cheated on me with a coworker for a few weeks. I kicked him out for a about a week or two and then he asked to come back to work it out and dropped her. He said it was a terrible mistake and wouldn't happen again - said he really wanted to work this out with me and loved me more than anything. We started going to counseling right away, and it seemed to be helping. Our fights though are really the thing that makes both of us hurt a lot, we say some really not nice things. The other side of our marriage is really loving and wonderful. There has never been a lack of love, and we both tell each other and try to show each other all the time. We're always very affectionate and laughing, it's otherwise been amazing. Most of the time you'd never know we were struggling with anything!
On the flip side, I'm still dealing with a lot of the anger and betrayal, and his infidelity does come up in some of our fights. Overall though, I've really not been bringing it up a ton and I've wanted to work this out and try to heal. We have both always had fiery tempers, and I admit I have a lot of work to do on myself. However this ends up, that's the truth for me, and I do need to work on myself, regardless of what he does. He's right in that fighting is not healthy, and it's no way to live.
Naturally though, I'm feeling really screwed up and raw right now and I don't get how someone just gives up. We had a fight yesterday where I asked him to save money with me, and I was pissed about him not holding up his side of an agreement we had on that. I'm sure I was being moody and incessant about it and he just blurted out "you're making me fall out of love with you". He later said he wanted to end it. He woke up today, still wanting to leave. He said he just doesn't want to be fighting for the rest of our lives, and that we'll never change. He thinks the counseling is making us worse and that we're irreconcilable. I'm pissed and hurt for many reasons. I feel like he is taking the easy way out, and I've stayed the course even though he was unfaithful. I'm not perfect and I know I can improve, but just yesterday he was kissing me and telling me how much he loves me. It's confusing and I don't know what to do. Do I just leave? I have a job but not a ton of money, we both pay the bills but he seems to think he's going to stay here until he can figure out where to go with our dogs. I don't see how living together in a tiny place is healthy when one of us wants out. I have both of Michelle's books and I think I'm going to read them again (and again). Is this the time to do the 180? Please help, I know I'm a mess and imperfect but I need support.
Hi, I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. Unfortunately, some counselors do not help couples find resolution and healing in their approach to couples therapy. I highly suggest that you speak to one of Michele's coaches. Your coach will be able to help you come up with a plan that you can follow to help bring your husband closer and you won't have to rely only on emotional responses. It is how couples get breakthroughs and do things differently to get a different and better result. I would look forward to talking to you further.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
On the flip side, I'm still dealing with a lot of the anger and betrayal, and his infidelity does come up in some of our fights.
After 7 months? Seems pretty clear you've never forgiven him. Read the chapter in DR about infidelity, it goes into forgiveness. The first thing you need to understand is you need to forgive him for YOU. You will never be able to trust him or anyone else in an R if you can't find your way to forgiveness.
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He's right in that fighting is not healthy, and it's no way to live.
Has your MC given you any tools for dealing with this? There are ways to control anger and prevent big blowups from happening.
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and he just blurted out "you're making me fall out of love with you". He later said he wanted to end it. He woke up today, still wanting to leave. He said he just doesn't want to be fighting for the rest of our lives, and that we'll never change.
Honestly I wouldn't be concerned too much about this right now as it sounds like it was all said in the heat of the moment. Try to apologize and smooth things out and see where it goes from there. There's a line around here that you should hold in your thoughts- "would you rather be right or happily married?"
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but just yesterday he was kissing me and telling me how much he loves me. It's confusing and I don't know what to do.
You had a big argument, you admit you both have hot tempers and say hateful things to each other. Hopefully that's all this is.
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Do I just leave?
No. Unless you want out of the marriage. The WAS should always be the one made to leave, and only if that's their decision. If they want out of the R, then they need to make the tough choices and suffer the consequences of their actions.
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Is this the time to do the 180?
Doing 180's is assessing what you're doing wrong in your M and doing the opposite of those things (180's). It's ALWAYS a good time for 180's regardless of whether the marriage is sick or healthy. If we all had read DR years ago when our marriages were still healthy then a lot of us probably wouldn't be here now.
On the flip side, I'm still dealing with a lot of the anger and betrayal, and his infidelity does come up in some of our fights.
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After 7 months? Seems pretty clear you've never forgiven him. Read the chapter in DR about infidelity, it goes into forgiveness. The first thing you need to understand is you need to forgive him for YOU. You will never be able to trust him or anyone else in an R if you can't find your way to forgiveness.
This is true, I need to forgive him. I have no idea how, so I'll need to look into that. I didn't realize it was better to try and forgive so soon, although it does make sense. Clearly I don't know what I'm doing.
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He's right in that fighting is not healthy, and it's no way to live.
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Has your MC given you any tools for dealing with this? There are ways to control anger and prevent big blowups from happening.
He has given us some tools, and we follow them much of the time. We were making progress, or so we thought.
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and he just blurted out "you're making me fall out of love with you". He later said he wanted to end it. He woke up today, still wanting to leave. He said he just doesn't want to be fighting for the rest of our lives, and that we'll never change.
Honestly I wouldn't be concerned too much about this right now as it sounds like it was all said in the heat of the moment. Try to apologize and smooth things out and see where it goes from there. There's a line around here that you should hold in your thoughts- "would you rather be right or happily married?"
Quote:
but just yesterday he was kissing me and telling me how much he loves me. It's confusing and I don't know what to do.
You had a big argument, you admit you both have hot tempers and say hateful things to each other. Hopefully that's all this is.
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Do I just leave?
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No. Unless you want out of the marriage. The WAS should always be the one made to leave, and only if that's their decision. If they want out of the R, then they need to make the tough choices and suffer the consequences of their actions.
Seriously you are all blackbelts in this! I have a way to go here.
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Is this the time to do the 180?
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Doing 180's is assessing what you're doing wrong in your M and doing the opposite of those things (180's). It's ALWAYS a good time for 180's regardless of whether the marriage is sick or healthy. If we all had read DR years ago when our marriages were still healthy then a lot of us probably wouldn't be here now.
So I decided not to "leave" but I did leave the house to stay in a hotel last night, so I'm here now and will be going back home in a couple of hours. Our house is small so it's really hard to give either of us any space, and I felt that it was the best thing for me. Aside from that, he's been a dark cloud around the house and I can't stand being around it, it feels almost like a minor assault every time he walks into the room, if that makes any sense. It did give me a little time to think (and start reading Michelle's books again), and what I realized was that I need to develop my life again outside of him in every way - socially, spiritually, maybe even better physically wouldn't hurt at all.
I took Another Stander's advice and apologized for my part in our fighting - I told him he's right about a lot of what he said and that I love him no matter what he decides to do. I can't make him do anything, so the decision is his, although I can work on me. I do take things much farther than they need to go and go on and on about them sometimes, (like times when he doesn't want to hear it). I also can be moody and angry. Although I wouldn't say I'm like that most of the time, I really am pretty fun and light as a person. We are usually that way also!
One thing I have to say that is tough to read re: the DB book - there's a passage in there to the effect of "for women the future is bleak" or something similar to that. It mentions the idea of women over 30 not remarrying a fairly large percentage of the time, whereas men are much more likely to, oftentimes picking women younger. This may be statistically accurate, as well as a case for staying together but it's a really awful thing to read in such a hopeful book! I'd like to think that if all was said and done and he did take off, that I would "be able to" remarry. I'm 41! Even if I was 71!
Another thing I struggle with in this marriage is not trying to change things about his behavior. I view saving together as an investment in our future, and clearly he's not a saver, although he said he wanted to. That was how this whole fight started, and I'm sure I made him feel terrible about it which I regret. I don't know how to leave things alone when I probably should sometimes. Alternatively maybe I just don't know how to bring it up knowing that it's a really delicate topic for him. I just don't want to wake up one day years later and see that we have nothing to show for ourselves. Maybe it shouldn't matter. I'm still saving. But isn't that part of being a team?
Ultimately, this is just an uncomfortable position to be in for both of us, and today I'm just going to do the best I can and not get into anything and maybe stay outside out of the way until later when he goes to work. He tends more toward needing a couple of days of brooding until he comes around, so if after that time he still wants to leave, well then - we'll have to see. Thank you everyone for your comments and for reading!
Try not to let his "black cloud" affect you. Learning to control your emotions is a valuable tool, not only in your marriage. I remind myself every day, "YOU are in control of how you feel. NOONE else can change my feelings."
Happiness, contentment, acceptance... They're all a choice.
When I get worked up I remind myself, "this too shall pass.". Anyone who's ever quit smoking knows the battle. The emotion and struggle becomes overwhelming and all consuming. But it passes. "This too shall pass. I am in control of how I feel."
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Have you read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It? This is one of the best books I've read on communication.
I also liked the The Dance of Connection.
How is your MC helping you with this?
You can't change your H but you can change you and your responses. Have you tried that? When the conversation starts to go off track say something like "Lets stop now and come back to this at another time"
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I like these suggestions a lot. I haven't read those books labug, but I will. I am willing to try anything. Here's a q: since I've already apologized and he doesn't seem to want to talk, when I go home today, should I just stay out of his way? Or is there something else I'm missing, like "trying again" to be kind or something? I'm fine with either, I just honestly can't see this too clearly right now. I don't want it to appear like I stopped caring since I left for the night, but I also don't want to be a doormat.
