This is my first time ever to post anything online. I have joined this forum to get some info and help about my situation. I am going thru what I believe to be my husbands midlife crisis. Our situation is a little unique, my husband has been living overseas. My daughters and I went for a "vacation" to where he was living. Three days into the visit, I discovered he was having an affair. Devastating. We have never had any problems. At this time he had been living apart from us for 10 months. He was due to come home in less than 2 months. So, I had to leave where my husband was to return home. My husband had to stay two more months to fulfill his contract. Of course, this was so hard for me because he was still in the same town where the OW lives. I was thousands of miles away only communicating with him thru Skype and email. He broke off the affair while we were still with him. I want to believe that he didn't resume the affair. He says he didn't. Problem is,they work together. When I left, he said he loved me and wanted to come home and make our marriage better than it ever has been. We have been together for 28 years, married 22. Our daughters are 20 and 17. My younger one's senior year of high school. Emotions were up and down and all over the place in the 2 months of being apart. I was scared and didn't 100% trust him there. So, I cried, he got mad. About three weeks, he starting saying he didn't know if he was coming home when he returned to town. Well, he didn't. I went even farther into depression. He has since been put in a new position in his company where he travel a lot at first. He has been living in a friends extra apartment. He isn't in town very long before he leaves on business. Now he will be traveling all over the world. Right now he is out of the country for a month. Both my daughters know about the affair. It was hard to keep it from them since we were all together on vacation. My older daughter has told her Dad how she feels. She is not a happy girl. My younger one holds things in and then will eventually explode. My husband has only seen the my older daughter once since he's been back. She lives out of town attending college. He did meet me and my younger daughter at the park to watch her take Homecoming pictures with her friends. He would barely speak to me and couldn't look me in the eyes. I know he feels terrible about what has happened, yet he still doesn't want to come home. He came to the house to pick up some things and that's when I heard, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". Nice. I have been trying to help my daughters manage their lives and move on to do the things they need and want to. My younger daughter had her senior pictures taken and didn't send the online proofs to her Dad. Both girls have had meltdowns. I am trying to take care of a 5,000 square foot house and the half acre lot around it. Also, all the housework, laundry, shopping, cooking and two dogs, plus i work full time.My younger daughter is very involved with school activities. I go to everything. Her sister has driven home the past three weekends to also support her sister. We were at a senior night for one of her activities. My husband was in town for another opportunity to see her, but didn't go. So, I am exhausted...physically, mentally and emotionally. I pretty much stopped eating the day I found out about the affair. I have lost almost 40 pounds in 15 weeks. Over the past year when my husband was gone, he lost a lot of weight, grew his hair longer, grew a beard and starting wearing "designer" clothes. This was a man who wore polo shirts and Levi jeans. Now he wears European skinny jeans and long sleeved printed shirts. My oldest thinks he looks ridiculous. I have always thought he is gorgeous no matter how he looks. When we were all together on the vacation, I suggested that maybe he was having a MLC. He got angry and said no. But now, 15 weeks later, after many swings of moods, I really believe he is. Today I emailed him and article about MLC. He fits the profile almost exactly. He is 44 and I am 43. We have been together since high school. Got married after he graduated from college. I love my husband very much. I have never stopped. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to get out of this forum. Maybe just someone to talk to. I do have great friends. Only three know, two are close friends of both of us. Our families know nothing. The girls and I want to protect him and our family as long as possible. If he comes home, no one will know. We hoped by doing this, he would feel better about coming home. No one would look badly upon him. My family adores him. We're trying to put the hurt off as long as possible. Hopefully no one else will know. People at work notice my extreme weight loss and question it. My younger daughter has to answers questions about her dad being "home". We have become very good at lying. A lot has happens in the past 15 weeks. I'm not sure what's going to happen. My daughters and I try to just go on with our lives.
I feel like this is never going to end. The feeling of fear and the uncertain. I guess if we looked at most everything that happens to us, uncertainty is there. I want my husband to come home. Over the past 3 1/2 months, I have gone from crying and begging him not to leave to telling him to stay away from our daughters, because of how hard they're taking all this. Their Dad was their "Hero". They both truly were Daddy's little girls. My husband rarely gets in touch with me. It's always still by email. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I don't want to push him into making a decision,because he'll walk. What should I be saying? If anything. He will not be back in the country for another 3 weeks. I'm thinking I should just stay quiet (no emails) and leave him alone. Yes?
I feel your pain. I am brand new as well. Only difference is my hasn't had an affair, yet. I have been an emotional wreck for the last two months. Stayed up all night reading the MLC forum and have found renewed strength. I have been visiting family on the west coast and leave this sunday to go home. Excited, nervous, scared, and a hundred other emotions. Read as much as you can, it really helped me. My H finally told his parents two weeks ago. My sons don't know yet what the real problem is, except that dad is depressed. Please read my post because I hate typing. I will check in on you daily. I will pray for you, and will be your arm raiser when you can't lift them. Hang in there. Find your happiness, I am.
Thanks. I'm sorry to hear your husband has left too. I never in my worst nightmare thought this would ever happen to us. My husband wouldn't acknowledge that anything was wrong after his affair. He would just say he doesn't know what he wants, he didn't know why he did it. In an email a couple days ago, he said the affair was a symptom of the problem. Maybe he's realizing he's having MLC? Maybe there's another problem? When I first found out, he said he was in love with her. How can you be so in love with someone you just started a relationship, more than a 28 year relationship? Nothing has made sense from the very beginning of this nightmare. I hope you have a relaxing visit. I know you probably haven't had one moment of relaxation since he left. Thanks for your support to a newbie.
I am going thru what I believe to be my husbands midlife crisis.
Hard to tell from your description, but he could be a WAS rather than in MLC. Read DR if you haven't already, there's a chapter on infidelity that should be helpful to you. Many marriages have been saved after infidelity, but trust is a huge issue that may require a lot of counseling to work through.
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I was scared and didn't 100% trust him there. So, I cried, he got mad.
Don't do that. After reading DR you'll learn that this is the opposite of what you should do. What you should do is act "as if" everything is great even if it isn't. You need your spouse to think you've had an awakening and will be OK with our without him. You need to show him a PMA (positive mental attitude) whenever you talk to him or see him even if just on Skype. You need to GAL (get a life). Make yourself more attractive, more independent, happier. This is what might attract him back.
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My older daughter has told her Dad how she feels. She is not a happy girl.
WAS's can rationalize anything, they'll convince themselves that separation is best for the children even though there is tons of information available that shows the opposite. Don't expect your kids to have any influence on him. You need to talk to them and tell them that he needs space and time and that they should not pressure him.
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My younger one holds things in and then will eventually explode.
If you're convinced of this then get him/ her to counseling right away. Don't ever underestimate how hard this is on kids. Even though you're suffering, you've got to pull it together for their sake. I know it's hard, I had to do the same. I would go in my bedroom and close and lock the door and cry my eyes out until my stomach hurt, then dry my eyes, stand tall and show my kids a strong rock of a dad for them to lean on. I can't tell you how difficult it was at first, but the WAS will not be there for the kids so that leaves you.
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I know he feels terrible about what has happened, yet he still doesn't want to come home.
He surely does. But he'll never say it or act like it. At least, not for quite some time. Maybe never.
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Over the past year when my husband was gone, he lost a lot of weight, grew his hair longer, grew a beard and starting wearing "designer" clothes. This was a man who wore polo shirts and Levi jeans. Now he wears European skinny jeans and long sleeved printed shirts.
You may be right about MLC then, these are classic MLC signs.
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I suggested that maybe he was having a MLC. He got angry and said no. But now, 15 weeks later, after many swings of moods, I really believe he is. Today I emailed him and article about MLC.
Yikes! OK, you really need to read DR ASAP. Don't do this!! Do not try to diagnose his problems because right now he thinks YOU are the reason for all of his unhappiness, and when you tell him he's MLC of anything else then what he hears you saying is "I'm fine and you are sick, this is all your fault, there's something wrong with you that needs fixing." He'll perceive it as pressure and it'll drive him farther away.
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Only three know, two are close friends of both of us. Our families know nothing. The girls and I want to protect him and our family as long as possible. If he comes home, no one will know. We hoped by doing this, he would feel better about coming home. No one would look badly upon him. My family adores him.
This is just crazy, I can scarcely believe I'm reading it! He had an affair, destroyed the marriage and you're worried about his image being tarnished? LOL! People are going to find out soon enough anyway, might as well let them know.
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We have become very good at lying.
Quit coddling your H, he needs to start facing the consequences of his decisions. And don't encourage your kids to lie, not now, not ever.
TJP. I'm so very sorry that you are going through this, but you have come to the right place. There are plenty of folks here that are, or have gone through the same thing, and we're ready to help you.
My thoughts:
It probably is a MLC, which means this will take him quite a while to get through. The good news is YOU will be doing fine long before he is.
No more telling him he's in MLC. This won't help.
Take care of yourself first. I know how hard it is to let him go after all these years of being a committed team, but this is your new task.
Keep posting!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Anybody else lose an extreme amount of weight quickly after finding out about spouse's affair? My husband and I are somewhat separated. I started losing weight the beginning of July. In 15 weeks, I have lost 37 pounds. From 157 to 120 and still losing. I have trouble eating enough everyday. Usually have 900-1400 a day. I had to go to the Dr and was told to eat whatever I thought sounded good, even if it was ice cream. I have to drink Ensure everyday.I pretty much have developed an eating disorder from all this stress and depression. It's getting a little better. I can't keep buying new clothes every 5-6 weeks. Went from size 10 to 3/4 (those are starting to get loose). I've had two sets of blood work done since July. I had to have an ultra sound done on my liver because of the drastic weight loss in a short time. Dr thought I may have liver damage. I am a MESS!
I tend to think more of what I'm typing, than how it looks. Good advice though.