Been doing my best to follow the principles in the DB book but goodness it's hard. For the most part my MLC spouse and I don't communicate unless at work.
This last few weeks though he has been vile. Spewing so much hate and anger it floors me. To be fair to him, I haven't always been at my best either. My few friends and family that I have told some of the story to think I am insane to want him. Even I think that too.
I'm just trying to stall him with selling our house, etc but I have come to realise that isn't allowing me to work on my life. I am being good at GAL and truthfully I believe I will be just fine, my life is rich with friends, family and love.
So why do I still want him? After all the crappy things he has done? The way he looks at me now with such utter contempt I can't ever imagine a day when we can be friends. Part of me just thinks I should wait until the new year and just file, at least then I will have some idea of where things are going. Right now I have no clue.
Dbing is a practice that you will learn to use in your daily life. Once you get the hang of it, you'll do just fine.
Oh, I hear you on the hate and anger. He's become the mlc monster at his finest and he'll be that way for quite some time. Get out of his way and allow him to fight w/himself in the ring. He's angry w/the world and he thinks you and the marriage are his problem. Don't add more fuel to his fire. He needs to burn himself out all by his lonesome.
If you are not sure you want to divorce your h right now, then don't. When in doubt, do nothing.
As for selling the home, I wouldn't do that until after the divorce has been settled. It could be one of the stipulations in your decree.
You've loved the man for a long time and you still want him because of that. Your feelings for him will not change for a long time and who knows, you may love him in a very different way, i.e., one of concern just as you would a friend. The future is too far down the road to even wonder if you ever could be friends. You will need to remain in the present and keep the focus on you and protecting your assets.
Sit quietly, the answers will come and then you will know what you need to do to keep off the mlc wheel.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H wanted to sell the house soon after he moved out, because he had an opportunity to buy the duplex he was renting. I went along with it because I knew I couldn't afford to buy him out of the house.
The house sold quickly but our divorce took a very long time, almost 2 years. I could not buy a new house during that time because lenders would not credit me with the alimony income until the ink was dry on the divorce papers and I had a year of timely alimony checks to show them.
I was lucky that housing prices in my area were pretty flat during that time. But in this current market, housing prices may be going up. So be careful of selling before the divorce is done or nearly done, because the worst situation to be in would be to sell the house, then not be able to buy yourself a new place while housing prices are going up and up. Consider talking to a mortgage broker to see what your options will be like.
Just updating. I realise that my pain is linked to the fact my heart and my head have different gameplans. My head thinks it is over. My heart tells me otherwise.
Yesterday was the first day where we had an ok day at work. He started on about "us" and the house etc again but I just enforced my boundaries, said I would no longer talk about personal issues at work.
He tried it again later and I took a deep breath and walked away. There are days like today when I just think I can't do it anymore. It hurts so much.
It's so hard to see him as I can see he is in the full grip of his love affair. I know she has been coaching him as he will call her or text her in between any arguments we have, then comes back at me with things that I believe she would say. Stuff that I think a woman would say.
He is planning trips away with her and her kids (after 12 weeks together) and she is now putting vile things on FB about her new romance. No names yet but I guess that is inevitable. I feel certain some of it is her insecurity at the fact he has to see me most working days, but still.
I have managed to get him to wait until after Christmas/New Year to really knuckle down on the divorce. Part of me is still ambivalent. I feel it would allow me to move on to some extent, this waiting is interminable. Yet I know I don't want a divorce, not really. Although how can I stop it if it's what he truly wants and this OW is coaching him through it all?
Hang in there Norfolk. I definitely hear your pain re head vs heart. Personally I've decided my heart is just a little slow on the uptake. You are so right - this is all very hard.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I am so sorry you are having a difficult time today. It takes time for your brain and heart to come together and realize that there is nothing you can do to help him. This is not an easy journey for the mlcer or us. We are facing the pain and heartache head on w/o self-medicating, while they are out there playing the game of teenager life and dealing w/an entirely different pain from us.
Sometimes the ow does drop ideas in their lap as to what or what not to do w/their spouses and family units, but most of the time the mlcer will come up w/ideas on their own; and believe me they are doozies! Her insecurity is already kicking in if she's posting stuff on her Facebook page. Try to not read it because all it will do is upset you. For all we know she could be posting this stuff because she knows or thinks she knows that you are reading it...it's best not to go there.
Once the holidays are over, he will be right there on your door step wanting you to work on the divorce. If timetables are set in place, he will watch the calendar and clock to make sure you do what you said you will do at that time. He won't forget it. I would suggest that you allow him to do the work for the divorce as much as possible. He needs to face the consequences of his actions.
Don't apologize for feeling bad. We all have been there. Cry if you must, but once the spell is over, let it go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree re him coming up with some super dooper ideas re how our life should be going but the speed at which he's moving is incredible! This from the man who rarely moved off the sofa of a weekend! I wonder about his brain though. How callous they are or maybe just they don't think. He's been very keen to tell me about his decision to buy a new car. One that will be ideal for his 200 mile daily commute from hers to work. And it'll be an estate so her 2 kids have plenty of room. He's been making and taking calls all day in our openplan office. I haven't reacted once. I am hoping I've learnt my lesson. Still [censored] though. The tears are just below the surface but I am using NLP techniques to get through. Plus I just walked away a few times. I don't want the details of his shiny new life.
I won't make the mistake of seeing her stuff on FB again. I blocked her but another account holder saw stuff she is making public. None of her previous status updates were public. So I know or at least I believe, that was for me. I do think it's a game for her and I realised after seeing her postings it's made me realise I have been doing everything she wants me to do. Everything I shouldn't have to push them further together. I won't make the mistake of giving her that power again. He may leave me forever but she won't get any more power in my life. I'm done with that.
My friend (who was an OW for a while, you can imagine the intense and emotional chats we've had about that can't you?!) told me that whatever he is saying or doing with her and her kids she will be eaten up with jealousy that he sees me every day at work. I'd never thought about that. It's made me realise this isn't easy on any of us, even though it looks to me like they are fine and dandy.
Bottom line, you are right, he is still very keen for me to divorce him. He still wants to be seen as the good guy, but I should imagine by the new year the love affair will be even more intense and he will probably have the courage to initate the proceedings. I will just have to wait and see.
Thanks for the advice again and sorry for long post, it feels better to get it out, it's toxic to stay inside. x
Don't apologize for the long posts. This is a safe place to post, so post often and ask questions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Norfolk, I hurt for you. Big HUGGGGGGGSSSSS. I know that feeling that the OW is manipulating in order to rub "it" in your face. Think about what kind of person would be OK with that kind of behavior. Not a very secure, together person. When she does that stuff she is showing her insecurities out loud to everyone.
This may sound so stupid but when I get caught up in it--especially the FB stuff--I try to remember Jackie Kennedy and the million of other women who have survived infidelities. The women I admire are the ones who rise above. As much as I'd like to set his truck on fire, I'm going to use this anger to earn more money and get buff!
You can do it! If I can, so can you!!!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
