I am a DB'er from a long time ago, who spent over three years on this site, attempting to save my marriage... I stop in and read from time to time, but only chime in on situations, very rarely, anymore...
Yours caught my eye.
Why? Because you're doing the spinning I did for YEARS!!!
Are you ready for some sage advice?!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
His Mum left him and his sister with their Dad when H was the same age as S is now. His grandmother also left his Dad with his Grandfather when he was still young. I think he might of been scared of history repeating itself but if that's the case, then he ultimately made it repeat, except just the man leaving this time.
I just noticed this in your sitch. My H's mother also left when he was an early teen and he has never gotten over it. H's grandmother had an affair but stayed with H's grandfather (on H's mother's side.) IMO this is the crux of the problem in our R because H has never dealt with this abandonment and is now projecting his issues onto me.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Thank you Labug, Mindfull, (Yes, I definitely want your sage advice, please.)Regretful and tori.
Originally Posted By: labug
Why? What are you thinking? What would you like to be in control of? What do you need to protect?
I'm not sure Labug. I already set some about him borrowing my car, Not getting angry when I don't answer my phone etc. I guess maybe him not calling over and over if I don't answer. I'm not sure that I can do that, without him completely withdrawing again though. He also does ask me a lot of questions still, Hard to be mysterious when he wants to know all lol. Once again, i think if I set that one, he will take that as me pushing him away and think I have something to hide. It will ultimately result in him withdrawing.
Originally Posted By: mindfull
Soul...
I am a DB'er from a long time ago, who spent over three years on this site, attempting to save my marriage... I stop in and read from time to time, but only chime in on situations, very rarely, anymore...
Yours caught my eye.
Why? Because you're doing the spinning I did for YEARS!!!
Are you ready for some sage advice?!
Mindful, Yes please! I am definitely ready for your sage advice. Be as brutal and honest as possible. I know I'm stuck right now, I just don't know how to handle it. Thank you for stopping by and posting.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
I just noticed this in your sitch. My H's mother also left when he was an early teen and he has never gotten over it. H's grandmother had an affair but stayed with H's grandfather (on H's mother's side.) IMO this is the crux of the problem in our R because H has never dealt with this abandonment and is now projecting his issues onto me.
Yeah, I actually helped H deal with this when he was about 18/19 I actually encouraged him to call his Mum and ask her the questions he wanted answers for. He actually did this and i thought he had resolved his issues as much as possible. Obviously not, I guess it's up to him now, to either deal with them himself or let them consume him.
Originally Posted By: tori2012
I agree these childhood traumas definitely have an impact. My H's father had an EA and left him when he was 7.
Mindfull, what's your sage advice?
Yep it's like they are scared of history repeating itself and the only way they can feel like they can control it, is by being the one to leave before they get left.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
#1. Realize that you are worthy of so much more than you're being given.
#2. Tell your H that you agree with him... Your marriage isn't working anymore, and, more importantly, the current status quo isn't either
THEN...
Draft a visitation schedule, Work on interim financial plan, Tell H that you will only be discussing "important" kid subjects with him, and nothing more... STOP engaging, and being engaged by him, And, move on... Do that Zumba, re-energize your career, focus on healthful activities/thinking, etc...
H will sniff around. Who cares? If he were a new suitor, would he be good enough? NOT
I would bet money on him having already cheated.
If you find out, think ahead a bit, is that something forgivable by you?
If so, think about what you're required actions would be for him to make you feel secure, again.
If not, you're a step ahead of the process by having some of the groundwork done already.
Drop. The. Rope.
He has, Honey...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Thank you Mindfull,I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply. Honestly, I know your probably right but I'm not ready to do that. I have decided that after Christmas and New year I will re-evaluate. Honestly, the holiday season is going to be so hard.
#1. Realize that you are worthy of so much more than you're being given.
That is one thing I have done. Honestly it was so gradual that i didn't even realise how bad things were.
#2. Tell your H that you agree with him... Your marriage isn't working anymore, and, more importantly, the current status quo isn't either
So far we have managed to stay pretty good friends. I know chances are that that won't last very long but for now it is. I seen him today and honestly, it is getting easier.
THEN...
Draft a visitation schedule,
We have a verbal one already. H is to have them every second weekend. His job makes it hard because sometimes he is away. He missed last weekend from being away, so that is why he asked about taking them for dinner tonight. I know his job is his problem and he should work around it but it will also be my children missing out if I don't allow this. He did ask a day in advance and thanked me numerous times.
Work on interim financial plan, I have done this but all I am entitled to is about $100.00 a week from H, It's a lot different over here it seems. Makes things very tight.
Tell H that you will only be discussing "important" kid subjects with him, and nothing more... Once again i know your peobably right but i'm not ready to do this.
STOP engaging, and being engaged by him, I have minimised this. I'm not always readily available for him but I'm not ready to cut it out completely. And, move on... Do that Zumba, re-energize your career, focus on healthful activities/thinking, etc... This i am going to do. The Zumba hasn't been going too well because of time. I've been more focused on cleaning out everything in the house. I'm giving him back anything he has left here and also throwing away a lot. That was really hard at first, each item of H's almost brought me to tears. Today it didn't bother me.
H will sniff around. Who cares? If he were a new suitor, would he be good enough? NOT
You are definitely right there. No way would he even be a consideration. I know now that i will not put up with his s**t any longer.
I would bet money on him having already cheated.
This I'm torn about. I know he did kiss someone else, That hurt like hell but it was something i probably would have been prepared to accept, if it was a one off and he really did regret it. On one hand i think he might have done more but on the other hand, why tell me about a kiss but not the rest?
If you find out, think ahead a bit, is that something forgivable by you?
Forgivable? Yes, I would have to forgive him for my own well being. Would i take him back, probably not. I just honestly don't know that i would be able to get past that.
If so, think about what you're required actions would be for him to make you feel secure, again.
Honestly i really don't know that he could. He would have to totally change back to the H i first started dating. I haven't seen him in so long, I'm not sure he will ever be back. It would take a very long time and a hell of a lot of hard work on his part. I don't see him ever being able to do that, I'm not even sure that i could learn trust him again.
If not, you're a step ahead of the process by having some of the groundwork done already.
Drop. The. Rope.
He has, Honey...
I know. Your right but I'm not quite there yet.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
SO H turned up here about 4:00 PM I actually wasn't really expecting him because I'm not relying on him to actually do anything he says and I also I thought he would have arrived later.
He looked a bit surprised to see me, I did have a tiny bit of make-up on so that might be why.
He just stayed around for a bit and then asked if he could have a shower, It was hot so i said yes. I went to the bathroom to get a hand towel for D9 and there he was,.. on the toilet with the door open. Ummmm,... really? He did apologise.
Besides from the toilet thing he was very well mannered and patient, That's something I haven't see for a while. He did seem down and very tired. He ended up falling asleep on the lounge, so i left him for half an hour and then woke him up.
He asked about my new phone cover and i said i brought it on Ebay. He asked if i changed the ebay account to my bank account details. He seemed very surprised when i told him that i left that for him and set up a new one for me.
Something very strange happened though and i just find it bizarre. H asked how much i spent on our (His) Nephews birthday presents so i told him and then he said he will have to give me some money towards them,.. I said "No, you don't need to give me money towards them." He didn't sound angry but his face looked angry and upset and he said "Well i will have to get them something else then." WTF?! He left me, he moved out, There has been no talk of reconciliation. I thought that would be obvious that he would get them something himself. It's just weird, Like he presumed i would still buy gifts for people and he would give me money and they would be from us,.. How does that work?
Anyway we all went out to Pizza. He asked if we could take my car and i agreed, Usually i would have handed him the keys and he would have drove but i didn't, I drove.
The kids had a great time and H was a little bit like the old him. He was quieter and didn't seem very happy but he was very nice with no anger which was nice.
Something happened and i cracked up, It had nothing to do with H but it was funny s**t. I was laughing almost hysterically and i looked over at H and he seemed to have sadness and regret in his eyes.
Before he left he was saying how much he missed the kids last weekend, he was close to tears. I felt so sorry for him. It must be hard going so long in between seeing them when he is away for work.
When he was leaving, he gave me a long cuddle while rubbing my back. He kept thanking me for letting him take the kids out. The strange thing is, while i did enjoy that cuddle and it gave me a feeling I haven't felt in years,.. kinda close to butterflies, Once he left, I didn't feel sad.
I had no expectations and it didn't get my hope up at all. I know now that just because we had a good afternoon together does not mean anything. It was nice though.
Honestly, tonight I feel that everything will be okay, even if we never get back together. He did ask me if the neighbours know. That was a bit strange,.. he seemed very upset when I said they do. He just put his head down and stared at the ground.
Life goes on,....
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
This I'm torn about. I know he did kiss someone else, That hurt like hell but it was something i probably would have been prepared to accept, if it was a one off and he really did regret it. On one hand i think he might have done more but on the other hand, why tell me about a kiss but not the rest?
It could be that the information about the kiss was just a "feeler," to see how you would respond. Since you didn't take that well, he wouldn't be likely to tell you any more than that. It's a cowardly thing, wrapped with a label of concern (eg. he wouldn't want to hurt you more.)
Your right but I'm not quite there yet.