Not sure where I belong...STBX has regrets.

[Shelby]

Not sure where I belong. I have been in the Survivng the big D for the past 2 years.

Quick summary. My STBX had me served at work 27 months ago. I was totally surprised. He told me he wasn't happy but I had no idea he had even seen a lawyer. So being served was a shock. He moved out that night and I believe he moved in with his work girlfriend that night, although he denied that for months. Since then him and th GF have bought a new place to live. In the past 27 months he has not moved the divorce forward at all. He has continued to pay all the bills.

Last week I got a message from him saying he misses me and the girls. He has regrets.
Another message said he plans on moving out of the GF's place and temporarily move in with his mom. He wants to recommit through counseling and whatever it takes.

I have been terribly confused and speechless.

My reply has been limited. Friday he came up to see my daughters game and then he took us all out to dinner afterwards. In the past 2 years we probably had 3 or 4 family dinners. So although its uncommon, I don't think the girls thought it was totally strange. I usually turn down to the offer to come when he takes the girls out.

Since the last message sent he hasn't said anything else about us.

I am really confused. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.
Thank you !

Ps. In the past 2 years I have not started dating. Although it has been on My mind lately that it is time to put my self out there.

[eyesopen]

What do you want?

[Cadet]

Last week I got a message from him saying he misses me and the girls. He has regrets.

There is a difference between regret and remorse.
It sounds as if he is testing the waters to see if you are exactly where he left you.

If you choose to work towards a new relationship with him, it will be very hard.

You need to see consistant action and not just words to back up what he is saying.

There is still a long ways to go to recover your marriage.

Good luck, and good work!

[Shelby]

Thank you. I think you are right. He was testing the waters. I need to sit back and see if he is willing to put in the work. I am Going to keep on doing my thing. I'll believe it when I see it.
I will admit hearing him say this put me threw the loop this past week. I have to just keep moving on. I'll watch his actions from now on but I'm not putting myself out there just yet.

I keep going back and forth of let's see if we can make it work. To no way in hell should I take him back. This is all in my head of course, I haven't said either to him.

[Cadet]

Thank you. I think you are right. He was testing the waters. I need to sit back and see if he is willing to put in the work.
I am Going to keep on doing my thing. I'll believe it when I see it.
I will admit hearing him say this put me threw the loop this past week.
I have to just keep moving on.
I'll watch his actions from now on but I'm not putting myself out there just yet.

You have given yourself wise advice.
Just re-read what you wrote and you will be fine.

[chatterbug]

And he needs to put in the work month after month. If he slips up once. You know where your at.

[AnotherStander]

Since the last message sent he hasn't said anything else about us.

This is a concern. Like Cadet said, it sounds like he's just testing the waters. A friend of mine has been divorced for a few years and a couple of weeks ago she got a text from her X telling her that he still loved her, he left his GF and he wanted to discuss reconciling. She didn't reply. Two days later he was back with his GF. I can't express in words how despicable something like this is. What if my friend was still harboring love for him and got her hopes up only to be crushed again a couple of days later? Thankfully she doesn't have feelings for him anymore and it didn't affect her.

So be very cautious and let him do all the work. If he's serious then he'll be willing to put the work in. If he's not then you'll know it pretty quickly.

[Shelby]

Thank you, AnotherStander,
I am ashamed to admit that even after 2 years, I let myself to get a little hopeful.

I need to get my head examined.

I am doing to take this and add it to my growing list of learning experiences.
I am not going to ask him questions or reach out. Actions speak louder than words, I am just going to sit back and watch.

[ericmsant2]

Shelby,

I need to sit back and see if he is willing to put in the work.
I am Going to keep on doing my thing. I'll believe it when I see it.

This is important...first though..I think you need to ask yourself...

Do you really even want him back.

That answer should determine how you proceed.

Do you want him back as a friend?

Do you think he really means it?

Do you still want to date (since it was on your mind)?

Decide which path you want to take first.

Good luck.

Eric

[Shelby]

I honestly don't know. I am just so confused right now. Although I always knew he would regret leaving one day, after 2 years I never thought I would hear him say it.

I question myself this past week a lot. Do I want the person he became the last years of our marriage ? Heck no. But if he has regret and remorse and and is willing to work on himself and us, then maybe.

Then I question myself because did I let myself get hopeful just because I'm ready to be with someone again, have a companion. I haven't dated at all in the past 2 years. I've spent the time working on myself. Ive lost weight. Started running and doing 5k and 10k's. I've made new friends.

I think I am a stronger person now, I guess he still has some kind of effect on me though if I aloud myself to be thrown for a loop after he said he has regrets and wants to work on us. I should have known better, and take it with a grain of salt.