Just a quick quip from purgatory

[RoofTop]

Its' been a short while since I've been to the forums. Strangely enough I was beginning to feel as though it was running interference on any progress. That's not fair of me, I know, but I have to find the answers in me.

I'm between semesters again and since I've been away I've learned that the cancer I have been diagnosed with is not the end of me. As the specialist put it, "if you're going to have cancer, this is the one you'd want to have." So pending 1 final 'just in case' test, I'll be fine for years on end with no changes "needed" to my diet or lifestyle.

So work is doing great, better than ever and school is still going along well and I should be done by this time next year. What's not doing so well is me.....

I thought I was doing good. I don't much think about my W since she's moved out. She's partying with friends and has people over all the time. I'm not tracking her, just that people seem to think I'm happy to hear about these things in casual conversation and occasionally when she asks me to drop the kids off at her place I see all the cars out front. Seems like for every 10 days of self imposed happiness I live, I have 1 day of hardship. My B-day came a few weeks back and it was hard because I felt alone due to being singled out. The in-laws all sent me text's and my MIL called. She misses me and wants me to come visit.

As for this weekend. My MIL and W went in together to get S12 a new iPhone as an early Christmas gift. I've repeatedly told everyone that if things get any harder financially, I will have to get rid of S12's phone and mine and go with the old analog phones. Not having a smart phone will save me $60 a month and I've already dropped cable. I keep warning them that this is a very possible option for me because I know they will forget and I will be the bad guy for taking the phone away. My W said we'll talk about it. I told her there's nothing to talk about. If I can't afford it, it's gone. I dare not say something dumb like imply that she should pay for it because I'm pretty sure I'll be paying for it through an increase in the alimony she has yet to ask for (still waiting for that paper work - it's coming).

She also brought up that she's going to be taking over the car payment. Last I checked, unless she got a new job, she doesn't make enough to pay $600 a month on top of her other bills and if she and the EA/OM move in together....well, his crazy ex-W and my kids hating him is her direct problem. She can have fun with that honeymoon, I want no part of it. Never mind that both of them live in tiny rental houses that can't fit my 2 kids and his and neither of them makes enough to support the life they think they can have on top of a bigger house. Ugh! Anyway, I didn't bring up her lack of resources on the subject of the car either. I think she believes I'm really that stupid, that she's going to legally bind herself to the $300 a month she's asking for now. Actions speak louder than words and I've seen nothing but actions that go against her words. So I'm sure I'll still be paying the monthly car payment. Whatever.

That was all on Saturday. On to Sunday, and speaking of that car..... I bought her a car a year back. I wanted her to have something she wanted and was quite reputable. I thought about it this weekend and why I hate seeing that car. I really hate seeing that car, even before she moved out several months back. I wanted to know why I felt this way and even though I'm still not 100% on it, I think I get the gist of it. I bought that car for her, hoping it would bring her mind at peace that something mechanical would not go wrong anytime soon and that I care about her and will work hard for her. Yesterday she came by the house to drop off the kids and the OM/EA was driving the car I've been pay $600 a month for for as long as she's had it. I wanted to cry. I don't care that she was with him, it stabbed at me that he was driving it. I struggled greatly to recoup my day, but only having $17 to my name and almost out of gas, I struggled to find something to do with the kids and I didn't have much around for lunch or dinner. Anger, brought about by hurt summed up my weekend.

I haven't had many opportunities to meet new people. School, work and my kids activities has held me pretty much on a short leash. I'm still hopeful that my time will come. I know it will, but days like this past weekend make it hard not to be impatient. I pray everyday still, but last night I prayed for a long time, well begged and pleaded was more like it. I want so bad to get to that place that people talk about, where you've moved on with your life, where the MLC'er is nothing more than a distant past. I look at my house and it frustrates me that I can't afford to paint the walls or buy picture frames to put up. I'm trying, but it's a waiting game since there are more pressing financial matters at present. I can't stand this "Oh poor me" garbage I've been feeling since Saturday. I found myself praying and asking how much more I have to suffer or hurt or be angry. How much longer do I have to feel like less of a person for something I couldn't, or can't do anything about? When my W left, my trust went with her and I'm angry about that. I'm angry I can't have a normal relationship anymore with the in-laws I care so much about because I can't trust that my business will stay my business and not reach my W. I fought for my W for over 2 years, does any of them know that? I keep thinking that I need redemption and that maybe I haven't forgiven myself enough to not need it. I don't know what it is I'm still blaming myself for.

I don't believe in coincidence at all anymore. Not one ounce. I've seen too much of it over the years to not be able to connect the dots between things I've asked for and events that have occurred. I remember saying to myself 2 summers ago that it would probably be best if my W moved out, for example, and here I am today without her. I feel like I'm being watched, as though someone is telling me to be careful what you wish for because they're going to make it happen --> except win the lottery (which I don't play anyway).

I just wanted to speak my mind for a day. I don't know when I'll be back again, only that I need to refocus my energy since I'm still uneasy from the past two days. I hope you all are well and good luck to those that aren't.

[Soul.Searching]

Hi, I'm new here and new to all of this:( I know how your feeling though. H left me at one of the worst times of my life. In just over a month, I have lost two family members, have had no car as it broke down. My 15 year old cat got killed by a car. I need to get one of my dogs out down and now it looks like another dog will have to get out down too. I have no real advise as I'm totally lost and confused myself right now but I just wanted to reply. Your time will come.

[RoofTop]

Man it hurts. I haven't felt like this in I don't know how long. I don't recall feeling like this at all during the last two years of MLC. I'm finding it hard to focus, much less function. I'm not losing control for the most part, but it's hard sometimes to not dwell on this whole mess. When I'm alone at home, I will occasionally break down in tears, only for a moment, but I know where they come from.

My heart broke last night when I dropped the kids off at her house and his car was in the driveway. It broke today when S13 said his life [censored] and S7 said he can't wait to stop going to his mom's house. I almost cried in front of my kids. In a moment of weakness, and poor judgement on my part, I told S13 that I'm aware that his mom would rather spend time with him vs. me. That there's nothing I can do about it, but I can't stand to be within a mile of EA/OM. It hurts.

One of my co-workers shocked me the other day when she said she tried to set me up with a friend of hers, but that her friend is in a really bad place with her H having recently left her and the kids. I told her that it was considerate and very kind to have thought of me when she didn't have too. She commented on how I am a really good guy and I deserve to find a good person in return. Because of the way my week has been going, I almost teared up at work after I went back to my desk. This [censored]. Work had been so busy this past week and I can't seem to drown myself in it enough to push the feelings back. I think part of it is also the impending gloom of going out of town next weekend to where all of the in-laws are.

I have stuff going on in their neck of the woods and they're coming to see me. MIL wants me to come to her house before I head back home. I'm actually afraid of these people in my current state of emotional turmoil. I love them so much and they're persistent about me being a part of their family, but I don't trust them anymore. I know that if I say anything about how I feel it will get back to my W. They don't mean any harm by it, but they'd do it out of concern and it wouldn't be helpful at all.

I really do feel alone these past few weeks. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm trying to put on a happy face, but I think people are seeing through it at times. I'm angry that I got so lazy and boring in the run up to my W's MLC. But I'm angry that once she sets her mind on something, she's never wrong even when I know she is.

GOSH! Even while writing tonight I can't keep the thoughts out of my mind regarding EA being a PA. It never bothered me before, but this week its been dumping pounds of salt into deep wounds. I want it to stop! I want to be happy! I'm afraid to ask that my love for my (ex)W be released, because I can't stop reliving S13 telling me his life [censored] and S7 wanting mom to come home. If I ask out loud for my love to be returned to me, I fear I will never be able to share it with her again and therefore letting my boys down by letting go of hope.

I'm so close to speaking the words out loud. I forced myself to promise that I wouldn't say those words out loud as long as I was in this bad state. It wouldn't be fair if I did. Now I'm mulling about the idea of asking my W to be a bit more considerate in regards to me dropping the kids off at her place when EA/OM is there. I don't know one way or the other iif that's a good idea and I'm not asking for advice, but it's one of those things where I'm just trying to let go and let a high power decide that fate for me.

The other day my W called to piss on me about how I made a mess of something. For the first time in a very long time, I shut her up. I was in public so I couldn't raise my voice, but it was pretty clear I was not happy with her. I told her (sternly) that I'm sorry, I made a careless mistake and didn't mean too, but it happened and I'm sorry. I then told her that if all she was doing was to call me and complain about me making a mistake, she'd have to save it for another day because I was in no mood for it. She asked me what was wrong with me and I gave the usual response - I'm just busy. I followed that up with asking her if there was anything else she wanted to talk to me about other than her personal gripe and she said no.

I felt pretty good for a few moments after that call, only find my joy was only skin deep since I knew I really just wanted to give her the middle finger and couldn't.

This week [censored] bad. School starts back up on Monday and I feel miles away from being equipped to handle getting my head back in place. I'm kind of desperate. I told my co-worker that even though her friend may be a wreck right now, anonymity is a gift and I don't ever have to meet her in person. With that, I gave her my email address and told her that if her friend ever just wants to vent, she can feel free to drop me an email, because I know how much all this [censored].

[AJM]

Hey RT. Honestly, after reading that, I think you're getting in touch with the anger more than before I also suspect some of the pain is self-inflicted in that you're holding back. I sense some stress from holding it back in other words.

I'm not suggesting you unleash or get violent. I'm just point it out.

I think I saw a few other things to work on in there. The loneliness. The anger at yourself seems like you may be taking more of the issues than are yours. Still.

I think that holding back on telling her to let you go is causing some stress too, but I really applaud the part about promising yourself you won't do that while in this state of mind. It tells me you are not crazy which is a good thing and a real danger.

Sounds like your kids still need some help with things though. That concerns me too. What are your options there? Are they picking up on your pain and echoing it? Possibly?

Good for you for standing up to her. I suggest you do more of that and rather than make an excuse, just be honest next time. You're not interested in being spoken to by her like that. And end the call. You have enough going on, dude. You felt good about it because it was standing up for yourself and you should do that. Do more of it

Oh, and don't ask if she'll be more considerate. There's really no point to that. Really. He really has nothing to with you except that he's likely your opposite.

Last thought. You are angry at yourself for being lazy prior to the wife popping chute. Is it possible there's more to that dynamic than you just being lazy? What was her part in that? I ask, because I thought like that for a while. I realized later that the dynamic was different than I thought and while I dislike my reaction (and therefore changed it), it wasn't just about me. My ex was very manipulative but I think it was at a very deep level vs overt. I don't know that she knew she was contributing to it in that way. Seriously. But I'm curious...

As for school. Get your head straight. Everything else needs to occur, but so does school.

AJ

[reachingHigher]

RT, just wanted you to know I read your post. AJ has good reflections on it.

I'm so sorry you have to be going through all this. I'm glad you are able to write out your feelings/emotions here as you have to keep it all together for your sons and yourself without having much time or financial freedom.

Just hang in there, a brighter day is coming.

[RoofTop]

Man this is tough. I'm trying so hard to stay where I am and focus my energy on the anger and hurt. As unproductive as it sounds, there's a method to my self-imposed madness. I know I've got to feel it and face it if I'm ever going to move on. When it's just me and the kids, I fine for the most part, but I don't push the anger away when my W talks/texts me. I don't unload on her, but allow myself to be angry in hopes of accepting it and moving past it when my time comes. I do hate it though, it's not what I want to be.

I'm deep into those feelings of being alone. I didn't understand it before when I guess I was in denial, but I have a decent idea what people here are talking about. It really is like there's nobody you can talk too about it. You don't want people to feel as though they're in the awkward position of having to share your anger/hurt and I still do love my W deeply even though I don't want too right now. Because of that, it's just best to not say anything at all. Crying comes so easy these past few weeks, more so than ever in my adult life. I do kind of like it in that I feel relieved at times afterwards, but that's supposed to be natural.

I didn't get through this past weekend with the in-laws very well. While the kids slept in the car on the long drive, I cried for much of the trip. I don't want them to see my hurt so transparently, so I cried softly. The night before we left I was upset about my W's plans getting in the way of my efforts to get on the road at a decent time. I didn't scold her directly, but the kids asked me "why" the change in plans and my aggitation was more visible than it should in my tone and choice of words. The problem with that is that S12 gets trigger happy when he texts his mom and she says something that aggrivates him. He will take something I say and use it in his own language and add to it. Case in point, he got upset with his mom and texted her something along the lines of going to a party is more important than he is. In reality, he got that from me. When asked why their mom didn't have time I told them what she told me, that she was running late for a suprise party. When asked why she didn't pack their stuff earlier, I stated that she probably had other more important things going on earlier in the day.

Needless to say, I got a text from my W that made my heart sink and my blood boil at the same time. W - "I've had it with you. I'm tired of you telling the kids I have more important things to do. You always put $it you do first."

I've been catering to her schedule for the past few years, so the fact that she's bringing up thoughts/emotions from years back only served to frustrate me greatly. It took me an hour or so to formulate a response. It wasn't my best moment, but I wasn't accusational other than to tell her that there was a time she used to give me more credit than that and that she doesn't need to tell me she's sick of me since I got that message long ago. I told her that I'm not backhanded or malicious and I'm not evil.

I'm so angry about the whole exchange because she's getting comfort/advise from the OM. I'm not doing anything, I'm not bothering my W at all unless it's absolutely impossible not too. So I figure the only experience she has to draw on is her past failed relationship(s) and the OM's ExW who is dead set on making his life miserable and uses her kids as fuel against him. I hate him even more for that too. You're right AJ, he's my opposite and in so many ways. With me there was safety, with him is the constant threat of a crazy ex doing something unlawful and that's just one argument to make.

Anyway......

So I started the weekend knowing that anything I say that gets back to my W will be interpreted as something I'm doing to cause distance between her and her family even though I would never do that. So I sat Saturday morning with my MIL and FIL and said very little. I kept guarded and the idle chit chat to a minimum. When we parted ways, they hugged me and even though my tears didn't flow, my eyes were full of water and my speech was choked up. It hurt to not feel like I could talk to them about anything and it hurt to know that they saw me like this, but I guess crying is the only way I can tell them I'm sorry, without saying anything at all.

My W had sent me a text telling me she didn't think I was evil, that she just gets tired of the things I say to S12 and that it seems like it always makes her look bad. She stressed her desire that we can be friends.

That text aggrivated me greatly again. I told her the night before after she chewed me out that I don't talk about her, especially around the kids because I know what I say will be taken out of context. She's not even hearing me and even though I expect that, it still pains me to see it. I replied back to her that I think it's great that she wants to be friends, but right now that's impossible since I constantly feel like I'm a villain. I told her that even if she doesn't realize it, she's very accusational or curt towards me most all of the time and that it wears me down sometimes more than others. That sometimes it feels like she comes at me for being someone she's never known me to be and it leaves me wondering what it was I just did to cause that.

She replied back that she was sorry, she didn't realize that. She then admitted that it is out of character for me to be spiteful, but thought I was doing that because of the D.

Seriously?! In the very same text she told me she didn't think it was in my character to be spiteful, but thought I was being that way. Ugh! Just because I expect that she won't hear what it is I'm saying, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it's so visible.

That night my SIL and BIL met up with me and it wasn't any easier. I love them all so much and can't/won't say anything. I hesitated when asked, but I reluctantly accepted an invite to go grab a beer. I was miserable. It was what we always used to do when we met up, but I could sense the awkwardness of the whole situation and wasn't my normal cheerful self. So I was basically feeding the situation I was in. We didn't talk much since there was a live band and it was loud, but the lack of conversation made me feel even more exposed. I caught myself feeling sad and had to fight back the water swelling in my eyes. 2-3 beers made the goodbye's come easier.

The following afternoon I needed to stop by my SIL's house to get S7 on our way home. Everyone was there, acting as though everything was like it always had been and yet I was there, keeping to myself and frustrated about my situation. When we said our goodbye's I made it through 2 hugs before the tears came back. I only let 1 slip out because I didn't want my kids to see me like that.

I'm so broken right now. I want to know when I'll hit bottom so I can start to break free of all this. Time can be tough.

After I had pointed out to her that she's [mean] towards me most of the time, her tone changed. I hate it because I know her very well and she's coming off as trying hard to feel something she has no interest in feeling - concern for me. It's condescending. The past few weeks I've been back in the mode of not looking at her or acknowledging her. Before when I did that I think it was out of disbelief, but for now it's because I'm angry with her. She gave me the "you can at least acknowledge me in front of the kids" speech - again. She made a defined point the next morning to make sure I heard her say "good morning" when she realized I wasn't going to say anything to her and was in a rush to get away. Doesn't matter anyway. I knew she'd be back to life being my fault with or without a "good morning". Sure enough, she's aggitated with me again today and popped off at me for not having said something to her about S7's class party today. Hmmmmm......instead of thinking that there was a slight possibility that I might have forgotten about the party the same way she did, it's all my fault for not having said something to her the day before or whenever.

I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me, but I'm not 100% sure what it's going to take to get me there. I'm afraid it's going to take my 100% commitment to letting go of my W for good. It's a long story and I won't go into it now, but I have a very good reason to believe that if I let go of her, there will never be anyone else for me and I'm afraid of that possibility. I'm not saying there won't be someone else at some point, just please believe me there's a reason there's depth to my believing my soon to be ExW is the end of the road for me. Some call it coincidence, but I don't believe in that very much anymore.

Somewhere along my path I lost my manhood. I'm trying to get it back while maintaining the lessons I've learned since MLC started. It's just feels really hard to do right now. It's even more difficult when S12 expresses his anger towards his mother and says it would be awesome if I was dating someone. I know he's angry with his mom, but I know that's not the answer, especially in my current train wreck state of mind.

[AJM]

I told her that I'm not backhanded or malicious and I'm not evil.

I read this a second time. I read it from bottom up as well. I can't get it out of my head that there are two things you have to get through right now. I suggest you pick one: 1) your fear of being without her and 2) your desire to argue your point with her. To be "right"

I'm so angry about the whole exchange because she's getting comfort/advise from the OM. I'm not doing anything, I'm not bothering my W at all unless it's absolutely impossible not too. So I figure the only experience she has to draw on is her past failed relationship(s) and the OM's ExW who is dead set on making his life miserable and uses her kids as fuel against him. I hate him even more for that too.

Ok, just how much time are you spending watching her?!? You know wayyyyy too much. And much less than you think you do.

My W had sent me a text telling me she didn't think I was evil, that she just gets tired of the things I say to S12 and that it seems like it always makes her look bad. She stressed her desire that we can be friends.

and at this point in time, you want...? What is your idea of "friends" and what is her idea I wonder?

I told her that even if she doesn't realize it, she's very accusational or curt towards me most all of the time and that it wears me down sometimes more than others. That sometimes it feels like she comes at me for being someone she's never known me to be and it leaves me wondering what it was I just did to cause that.

She replied back that she was sorry, she didn't realize that. She then admitted that it is out of character for me to be spiteful, but thought I was doing that because of the D.

Seriously?! In the very same text she told me she didn't think it was in my character to be spiteful, but thought I was being that way. Ugh! Just because I expect that she won't hear what it is I'm saying, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it's so visible.

I'm so broken right now. I want to know when I'll hit bottom so I can start to break free of all this. Time can be tough.

Um, yes. I see that. And the desire for it to stop. Keep moving my friend. No matter what, improve just a little bit each day if you can. On those days you cannot, realize you gave it your all and do it again tomorrow.


After I had pointed out to her that she's [mean] towards me most of the time, her tone changed. I hate it because I know her very well and she's coming off as trying hard to feel something she has no interest in feeling - concern for me. It's condescending.[/quote]Really? What does she gain from that at this point? Seriously.

I have a very good reason to believe that if I let go of her, there will never be anyone else for me and I'm afraid of that possibility.

I respectfully disagree. But I can see you feel that way. When you get a chance, and if you'd like, why not share that reasoning?

Somewhere along my path I lost my manhood. I'm trying to get it back while maintaining the lessons I've learned since MLC started.

Remind me..you had a MLC episode prior to this starting right? I agree it can feel emasculating to lose part of your soul like this. To be humiliated. To be vulnerable. But it gets better over time. Never soon enough if you ask me, but it does RT.

I'm impressed RT. I truly am. I know it sux to be where you are now. I do. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. I sometimes go back to visit that dark place even still. Much less than ever before in my life, but sometimes. I truly see progress here. I think when you are done, some sort of Phoenix reference for your name is going to be in order.

Until then, do try to keep what you say around your kids to a minimum about the situation. Perhaps telling him to ask his mother would be more appropriate? Your oldest is not happy. That's obvious. But you'll be long over this period in your life and he'll have the same mother. It's really hard and a fine line, but keep it in mind.

As for the friends, if you're able to, go for it. If not, then don't. But co-parenting is always worth it. For the kids' sake.

Oh, and have you seen the pattern? How you both hurt each other in the same way. How you are both sensitive? How you are both angry? Have you noticed how much you both have in common in this? Kind of like two sides of the same coin? It was very clear to me when you wrote it that you are BOTH going through the same feelings with similar thoughts most likely (I don't know her. I'm just guessing but it seems plausible.) Why is that RT? That's more rare than you might think on these boards.

I know you have spent a lot of time in this situation. Go easy on you and see if you can answer those questions above when you get a chance. If you feel like it. I'm interested to hear.

Peace!

AJ

[RoofTop]

2) your desire to argue your point with her. To be "right"

I struggle greatest here. I've read so many books and forum threads and websites and everything she does is right in line with MLC. Knowing what she's doing, what she's saying, doesn't make it easier to hear or see. I feel as though if I were wrong, then hearts wouldn't come out for me, that my kids wouldn't be upset with their mom. So I believe I'm right in most of my actions and that belief is probably veiled in my speech towards my W and I know that it doesn't help anybody. I guess I feel as though it's all I have to keep me from dropping into despair.

I'm not watching my W, but I do let her dictate more of my life than I want her too. I don't talk about her much at all except for here, but my input comes from my observations based on my interactions with her. She accuses me where she once believed in me. I get that, but the accusations are not far off from my past observations of interactions with others. She knows I love my kids, but accused me of leaving S12 outside her house without a key and just driving off. She accused me of not dropping the kids off with their coats when they were going to go outside. Those are just two examples of where she's grossly wrong, but never gave me the benefit of the doubt. She chose to spit fire at me in front of the kids, only to find out the truth. I could tell by her voice she still felt justified in her frustration towards me even though she was wrong.

AJ - You ask what she has to gain at this point from being angry with me. Nothing, but the for the sake of being angry with me. My W has swallowed a "bitter" pill some time ago and I am the outlet, the reminder of what life has handed her. I seem to be the one she can unleash on for therapy sake or whatever. I'm getting tired of it. My time is coming, where I will no longer hear her wrath or care what and where she is. I know this, so I suffer quietly.

Yes - I had what I would call an MLC moment that lasted a few weeks about a year before my W went all in. I still remember the feelings I had, how easy it was to be angry or upset. The difference between my W and I is as simple as Yin and Yang. I seek internally for conflict resolution and my W seeks resolution through the acceptance of others. I've pondered those thoughts over the past few years and I don't believe I'm far off. I can see how I personally played a role in perpetuating my situation.

Now as for coincidence...... You disagree with me on my belief that my W is the end of the line for me. Call it strange or whatever you want, but I'm of the mind that I'm being watched. I don't know by whom or what, but I acknowledge it. I look through my past as well as current situations and there's too much at play for it not to be more than mere coincidence.

Within a few months of my W and I dating I knew I'd never felt about anyone the way I felt about her. I still recall the night I was driving home and I asked the Big Guy upstairs -> "Please let her be the one. I'm tired of the race and she makes me happy as no one ever has. I don't want there to ever be anyone else."

Sounds very Hollywood of me, but please do follow me. Fast forward......

I drove my old car over 600 miles over this past weekend. I spent all the money I had left between my checking account and 2 credit cards. I have bills waiting.....patiently. I'm not stressing over it, it's just my life right now. Payday comes on 10/31 and my tuition reimbursement is included. I'm able to pay some bills and have plans to pay more. On this very same day, I drop my kids off at the meeting point where the OM is waiting to take them (GRRRR!!!!) and I drive away. 5 miles up the road, the car Kraps out. It's dead. It's 5:45PM and all the local car rental places close at 6PM. I have no car and I have to get a PET Scan the next day as part of the whole cancer thing I got going. All of my friends went with my W so I'm left with little to no one.

I called a coworker to give me a lift home and made a reservation for a rental car. I walked 4 miles to the rental office to pick it up. On the way to my PET Scan appt the shop called and told me what happened to my car. The sum total to fix is $882.00. Just like that, my entire paycheck is wiped out. I will bounce some checks, but I needed a car.

That same evening I received a text from my W --> "I don't treat you like a villain. I don't say bad things about you. I do tell people that you are a good guy. The one thing I do get angry about is that everything you do is a priority. Work and school seems to be the only thing on your agenda. Sometimes the kids functions need to be a priority. They say all you do is work and study. I'm sorry you feel the way you do about me.".....

She sent me that within 10 minutes of getting this text from me---> "you want to be friends & that's great, but it's impossible right now because I feel like the villain. I spent the last few years trying to prove the bottomless depth of my L for you & my determination to prove I can grow up. I'm very mad at you - yes, but I'm so darn furious at my self for getting so lazy & boring. This is all extremly hard on me, but I choose not to bother you with my concerns & I don't bother the kids with them either."

So in comes "coincidence"......

When I read my W's text to me and saw that she was replying to a text she received minutes prior, I noted immedietly that that was a text I sent her 4 days prior on Saturday. I had not sent her any texts since. Strange indeed that she would receive all my texts on Saturday, but this one and out of nowhere it shows on my phone as being sent just recently - again. I replied to her as such ---> "I sent that text on Saturday. Not sure why it popped through a second time. Please don't lecture me about priorities."

The text I sent on Saturday among others that she replied too, got sent again 4 days later -> coincidence? No.

Back to the car.

The car broke down right on payday. It broke down right after I dropped my kids off. It broke down right as I pulled off the highway in front of a large mall parking lot after having crossed a bridge with no emergency lanes. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidence anymore.

So if I feel in my heart of hearts that if I were to call out and ask that I never love my W again, I believe that I will be granted that request. In doing so, I feel as though I will have given up on my kids. Their happiness is as important to me as my own. They want us back together, they've told me so, but if I ask for my heart back, I will have failed them.

I'm not angry about it. I'm just very afraid of it and it's beyond my comprehension.

[RoofTop]

11/3
OM/EA looks to be a PA now. My W set her phone down and I saw the picture of them as her wallpaper on her phone. The affectionate embrace....

I've asked for my love for my W to be returned to me. I miss being in denial right now, but I don't want to go back. I want to go forward and I want to stop hurting. I don't know how much lower I have yet to go to hit bottom if I'm not already there, but I guess the sooner I get there the better so I can claw my way out from under this storm cloud.

[RoofTop]

Maybe I'm just bored or I'm actually enjoying punishing myself. I'm reading through the resources, again, on this website regarding WAS and MLC. I saw an old post from a veteran here in the forums and it seems to be an ongoing debate ---> How do I know my W is in MLC and not WAS?

Someone mentioned this:

To me a True Walk Away Spouse is: See you done, divorce ASAP no regreets and no remorse. The only thing that changes in their life is that they do not want you in it.

MLC what they want changes day to day, they want you they don't...it really is up to you to read the resources...if most of them fit...sorry to say MLC.

By that standard, my W is both. I fear, as others here, that I'm mishandling the situation.

My own observations to lead me to believe my W is MLC, and feel free to tell me otherwise...

- She wanted a D asap within the first few months of refusing to talk to me.
- 2 years later & with the support of EA/OM and my pay raise, D papers served to me a few days ago.
- All outside observers thought we were a great fit
- Since MLC she's been consistent about being hardened & critical towards me.
- Is oblivious, or doesn't care, about how I might feel about things. Like I don't have an issue with how her friendship blossomed into OM always being at her house and always asking me to drop the kids off there.
- She got implants during the first few months of MLC and sought legal guidance on D a few weeks later.
- She went out every night
- She abandoned all current friends and got new ones that all seemed oddly interested in getting a D of their own.
- She went nutty on new clothes that first year of MLC.
- Is extremely critical of seeing me wearing something new. Even more so if I say anything regarding not having any money.
- I got the ILBNILWY when she finally decided to talk to me some 6 months into MLC.
- Got the "We've grown apart" speach a few times.
- Her memory regarding kids activities at times is lacking and it's not my fault for reminding her.
- Before she moved out she slept a lot less.
- She hates her job
- She started using 5hr energy on a regular basis when she's always had an aversion to such products. She's never had anything other than an occasional Mt Dew or coffee.
- It's my fault her parents and siblings don't agree with her.
- She "deserves to be happy" - but always looks bitter when I see her even after she moved out.
- She's quick to accuse me of saying or doing things I've not said or done --> I no longer get the benefit of the doubt.
- S12 isn't struggling in school because I'm failing him. If she were helping him he'd be on the honor roll like he was back in the 4th grade.
- I've heard more than I care too from her that "she has a heart...she's not a *Itch"
- "he's just a friend"
- Our friends were never ours, but hers. Me not having friends of my own disturbs her greatly
- Will be visibly, sometimes verbally, upset with me for not asking her for help.


Those are what I can think of off the top of my head on an already busy work day, mixed with depression and anger.

Arguments in favor of WAS....maybe?

- she wanted to cut and run from the starting blocks 2 years ago, but neither of us had the means to do so.
- The only time since 8/10 that she was happy with me appears to me to have been when she was on pain meds following her new breast surgury.
- She once told me in 2011 that she refuses to take medication just to stay married to me.
- She completely carved me out of her life plan 2.5 years ago and doesn't seem to have any regrets.
- As above, she's been consistent in her feelings of contempt for me.
- When I did do something right, she expressed gratitude with an affectionate hug, but that was rare.
- I got the "So am I supposed to just forget the past?!!!!" comment a few times. This is why she refuses to accept my changes (I was selfish and lazy) a real.
- Refused T because she didn't want to give me the impression that there's hope for us.
- She's currently "with" my complete opposite

There's more, but I'm drifting. The one thing that sticks out the most --> MLC-ers are flip-floppers and WAS, as I understand are dead set on their chosen course of action.

My W doesn't appear to flip-flop, but she's always been stubborn and at times seems to get even more determined to prove her point when there is resistance to her belief that she's right. When she tells me she wants us to be friends it makes me sick with anger because I don't believe her. It almost feels like she believes I'm making it hard for her to be "nice" to me.

I wake up everyday trying to keep to my changes and its made all the harder right now with these looming feelings of anger, humiliation and loneliness. I'm allowing myself to be angry with her as much as I was at myself at one point. I want to feel what needs to be felt so I can move on since I can't completely disappear like I truly want too.

I know I have to move on if I'm going to get over this and I know I'm afraid too. I've started drinking more and I don't like it, but it's allowing me to fall asleep vs lying awake with thoughts of W and OM and my heart. Granted it's only 1 glass of wine 4 out of 7 days a week, but it's the most I've done since 8/10 and I'm mindful of it. I'm searching for new things to think about when I go to bed so I'm excited about going to bed and not afraid. I found a temporary escape recently(non-alcohol related) and I'll ride that out as long as I can.

So I guess I'm back to wondering then if me saying my W is in MLC is because I'm making it fit and it's my way of holding onto "hope".

And as for another moment of "is it a coincedense?"......

The other day when I said I'd had enough and asked for my heart back. A few hours later I got an email telling me my school refund check is going to be deposited within 3 business days - a week before I expected it. Looks like I'll be able to cover the checks I wrote and pay my utility bills. I went from a low point to high hopes. So far, no checks have come to the bank yet so I may not bounce any at all and if I do I'll soon have the money to cover.