There are three types of mlcers: 1. Drop-in. This is the mlcer that continues to come to the home, most likely on a daily basis or every couple of days. They have dinner, sit around w/the children and just visit like old times.
2. Droplet. This is the mlcer who comes to home or visits w/you periodically. They may come by every couple of weeks or months. They don't make a habit of being at your residence all of the time like drop-in does.
3. Dropout. This is the mlcer who walks out the door and you never hear from him or see him again for a very, very long time. No contact at all. They ride off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again by you or family.
The three descrptions were best described by Sally Conway in her book that she wrote many years ago. The descrptions helped me determine which one my h was. For a while, he was the droplet and then evolved into the dropout.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know what I'm trying to ASK!! It came to me while vacuuming. Is it possible for the OW to come towards the end of Replay? Like he's been moving in and out of replay in increments for the past few years and this was the climax. Could we be heading down the other side of the mountain now, hopefully in the direction of some level of sanity?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Generally the ow is already waiting in the wings just before the BD. Until your h actually dropped the bomb on you, he wasn't in full blown mlc. What you may have witnessed was the "leading up" or clinical depression to mlc. It takes 18-24 months time prior to the BD for them to work up to crisis mode. They start to feel anxious, like something isn't quite right, but can't put their finger on it and then something happens in their lives that spins them up and sets them on their way for the mlc.
Keep in mind, mlcers can start out in emotional affairs that could lead to phyiscal affairs later on in replay. Either way, someone could have been in his life prior to the BD. There are some mlcers that never got involved w/an op and were just happy to be left alone to do whatever it is they need to do. Keep in mind, each mlcer is different, but may have similiar behaviors as others.
I may be wrong, but I don't think your h is on the downward slide of the mountain. He's just getting started and the insanity will take as long as it takes for him to work through his issues. The best thing you can do is buckle up and be ready for the ride.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really feel your pain it's just so awful, but as some of my dear friends have said to me, (even though I didn't want to hear it) it's time to start focusing on you now.
Yes, we don't want a divorce, yes it is the pits, but you deserve more than wondering what he's doing/thinking. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent thinking of him and OW2. If you let it, it will consume you. OW2 is THE worst skank he could ever have chosen. I let her into my head and gave her tremendous power over me and my well being.
No more. I don't think for one minute thy concern themselves with us, we need to learn to reciprocate.
I know it hurts, but you can do this. I've found I have so much spare time I'm having a blast with old friends I neglected, and new friends I have been able to get to know.
This journey is not for the faint of heart. It is a journey of pain, sorrow, loss, growing and learning as we walk it. We will learn the art of patience, compassion and love unconditionally. We will learn to "ask" for help when we need it.
Most people who post here are "fixers". We will learn that there are going to be times when we can't fix the problem and that's where it is the most difficult...learning that we can't fix the mlcer. We will learn how to step back, detach and not get sucked into their drama. We will learn how to open the cage door and allow them to fly away and hopefully they will learn life's lessons and want to return to us. If they don't, we will be okay for we will have learned our lessons well and can survive on our own and create new lives for ourselves.
Let him go to find himself. Allow God to do the necessary work to repair his broken inner self. While God is working on him, turn the focus back on to you and your children. Reconnect w/old friends and begin to plan hobbies that you will enjoy to help pass the time. Don't allow him or the ow any additional space in your head, i.e., they aren't paying rent, so place them in a box and store it away for now.
It's now your time to spread your wings and rediscover the wonderful person that you are.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There are three types of mlcers: 1. Drop-in. This is the mlcer that continues to come to the home, most likely on a daily basis or every couple of days. They have dinner, sit around w/the children and just visit like old times.
2. Droplet. This is the mlcer who comes to home or visits w/you periodically. They may come by every couple of weeks or months. They don't make a habit of being at your residence all of the time like drop-in does.
3. Dropout. This is the mlcer who walks out the door and you never hear from him or see him again for a very, very long time. No contact at all. They ride off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again by you or family.
The three descrptions were best described by Sally Conway in her book that she wrote many years ago. The descrptions helped me determine which one my h was. For a while, he was the droplet and then evolved into the dropout.
Thanks for this ^^^^
I know that my wife has already exhibited at least two of these contact types during my time here.
I attribute it all to depression and the waves that they ride while in the FOG.
Crud. Fartface. Poo. I trust your opinion. So, this would mean we have another year of this fun! I can't believe how hard this is. I really can't believe what's expected of me here. This is insane. I guess it's better having some sort of loose time frame. Jeez. Why does this happen to some guys and not others? Why did I choose a guy with these issues?
I'm looking at the men in our family. It's really no surprise I picked H. My Grandpa, who ran off with his secretary, had this collection of toys. These creepy little mechanical toys like a monkey that clapped symbols. His childhood was cut short because my Great-Grandfather died in the 1921 Flu Epidemic. His sister died at 13 too, so I think he was doted on because he was the only one left.
My Dad grew up--with the above as his dad--there wasn't a whole lot of affection given in their home. Grandpa was a philanderer and drinker. Everyone knew he had multiple affairs. My Grandma wasn't a hugger or visibly affectionate. And, there were some really big expectations, control and perfectionism. Dad was pretty spoiled too. Dad went through an awful MLC. He left with his secretary too--after a series of affairs. Blamed my mom because of her weight problems. He married the secretary and they are still together. He never left replay completely. Races cars, bought a bunch of Ferraris, all kinds of crazy, indulgent behavior. Really selfish and narcissistic. He turns 70 this week and I know it's really hard for him. He has mellowed some and has been an absolute blessing through this with my H. He has given me the funds to start a business and survive financially. It's been very healing to have him help me through this MLC after how he treated my mom way back when.
Anyway, I'm seeing why I was attracted to H in the first place.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Da-mit. Insert long list of obscenities here. I can handle his depression. I can handle him working through these issues. But, WHY THE OW? WHY? WHY can't he do this alone? Why can't I ask him to do this alone? For me? I will do everything suggested. I will back off and leave him to his whatever. But, why did he invite someone into our marriage?
If I could scream right now, I would scream bloody murder. She is a bi---- and it hurts me so badly and he knows it hurts me. Why can't I just say--- Go have your Replay, your adolescence but just get rid of her until or if we actually divorce. Why can't I, at least say that and have him hear me. It's soooooo f-----g unfair. I didn't deserve this. My kids didn't deserve this. Why?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
oh - my - God- me too!!! - have been times i've checked this damn e-mail a million times- then WHEN i finally see a note from H- i get mad and thingk "ha - fat chance i'm responding". "if you don't want to hear my voice- go die".
first time i've seen this addressed - and it really made me smile to hear you say we all do that-
so, maybe i'm "normal" (of a sort) - after all.
hope springs eternal huh?. same deal with phone- i go out so i don't even know if it rings or not- then i wreck it by coming in and looking thru the numbers that called. thought i was sickly ocd about it. doesn't matter if i want to know he's alive or talk-i want him to want me- sad sad woman....(sometimes)
some nites/days i despair of ever just not even wanting to know - and letting it all roll off my back.
slowly but surely i guess- not fast enough tho. hey, i'm a stinking american and we all want that darn 'CURE" rite now- a pill please- chop it off - immediate gratifiction.
NOT SO MUCH with this DB junk huh? I hate this learning patience thing-
Da-mit. Insert long list of obscenities here. I can handle his depression. I can handle him working through these issues. But, WHY THE OW? WHY? WHY can't he do this alone? Why can't I ask him to do this alone? For me? I will do everything suggested. I will back off and leave him to his whatever. But, why did he invite someone into our marriage?
If I could scream right now, I would scream bloody murder. She is a bi---- and it hurts me so badly and he knows it hurts me. Why can't I just say--- Go have your Replay, your adolescence but just get rid of her until or if we actually divorce. Why can't I, at least say that and have him hear me. It's soooooo f-----g unfair. I didn't deserve this. My kids didn't deserve this. Why?
I know exactly how you feel. It is so much easier said than done to not let the OW have space in our heads. But to drop the bomb on me, lying that she was even in the picture and ten finding out that probably was exactly why he felt he was able to drop the bomb because they were already together. As long as they were only flirting, I did not have to know. Castration does not seem too harsh.
I then I remember how much I miss my best friend and it hurts worse. Must start working harder on detaching.
