My old thread was getting a bit long and towards the end I started to lose it. So I thought it better to take stock and rethink and get back to some basics.
My main issues with the M are me not providing enough emotional support, not complimenting W enough to make her feel special and not supporting her enough around the house. There is also a deep buried issue when we tried having another baby a few years back. We have barely spoken about this properly and I feel that both W and me never laid this to rest.
W still set on her own place with S. I don't want her to go and take S.
But things are a lot better with W at moment. We are talking, having the odd joke etc and we are back in the position where things appear normal except the intimacy side.
I have been impatient thinking she will wake up one morning and have a change of heart. Reality is hitting home on this! It is our wedding anniversary tomorrow. I have bought her a card but not sure whether I shld give it to her. It wld be pressure!
180 s r going ok, GALing starting to take shape.
Now managed to source finance for DB coach so will be ringing them 1st thing to sort out.
W main issue appears to be attraction towards me and intimacy. Not enough cuddles etc, and she has pulled right away from any physical touch/contact. Although she has come up with far more in her re writing of history I think her losing the attraction and emotional neglect on my part are the key factors which are related. I now know there is an OM involved who she has beenb going to for emotional support prior to our troubles starting. He was a mutual friend but has recently left his W.
I am not sure how to handle this other than detach. Detachment is still a big issue. I'm still focussing on W actions and my heart jumps everytime she views a property.
I am trying to keep focussed on my main goal which gets me thru the day 2 day. I am struggling with the idea of paying W more attention but at the same time not being pursuing. But I have been making the odd comment such as 'is that a new top, it looks good on u' etc. Trying to let her know I notice how she links without it being over powering.
Lost loads of weight in the last mth and non of my clothes fit . Excuse to get a new wardrobe:). Other than that I am enyoying the calm before the next storm.
Just a quick thanks to all who commented on my previous thread and have given me some home truths when I needed them. I wld have given up without ur support.
It is our wedding anniversary tomorrow. I have bought her a card but not sure whether I shld give it to her. It wld be pressure!
Our anniversary was in June and I consulted a coach on this very issue.
Did you normally give a card in the past? If so still give one, but nothing mushy about how you love her forever, and nothing about the future or growing old together. THAT would be pressure.
I ended up getting a blank card and writing my own message. It had a nice nature scene on the front, which is something we both enjoy together. What ever you do don't get one with a H&W kissing/cuddling!
Tell her how much you have appreciated your years together, how her strengths have complimented your weaknesses, how she has helped you grow as a person. Tell her why you admirer her, things that make you proud of her, things you have learned from her. Be genuine and specific, give a few details.
If you normally signed your A card with "Love", you still can because that's true to you, but drop the line of kisses!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, I think that's a great idea. I've even saved that in case I ever need to use it.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
FY thanks. I was struggling on this one and will do as you suggest. Well 13 really has been unlucky for some. I wish I could look forward to the 14th year of M but somehow I don't think I've seen the worst yet. W moving out is only a matter of time and I am still less than 2mths post BD. I just wish I'd discovered all this 13yrs ago. Then I cld have loved her properly how she needed to be loved.
. Excuse to get a new wardrobe:). Other than that I am enyoying the calm before the next storm.