My marriage of 25 years closely resembles that of the WAW syndrome from the first chapter of DR. My wife and I shared a computer and she got her own 4 years ago. About 3 years ago she locked me out of her computer and joined facebook, reconnecting with her old high school friends. About a year before her high school reunion, I noticed a lot of changes in her habits and personality.
Last December I had sort of an epiphany that I wasnt the husband that I should have been and decided that I would do a complete makeover of myself to change that situation. After a couple of months, she was telling me that this change was very strange and she was feeling smothered and pulling away from me. This puzzled me as I thought it would make her very happy. I was doing everything she had complained that I wasnt doing for years. I started wondering if her approaching high school reunion had anything to do with this behavior. In April she went to her out of town high school reunion(I had asked her if I could go and she told me no, that NOBODY brings their spouse to a reunion unless that spouse went to the hs)and met with an old boyfriend. They texted each other dozens of times over the weekend and the texting continued after she got back into home. I confronted her about the texts and in the heated argument I got the ILYBINILWY bomb dropped on me, along with "I dont want to be married any more", "we have nothing in common any more", "maybe we were never really in love", "I'm a different person than the on you married", "I cant remember a single good moment in our marrige", etc. They texted each other for 2 more weeks and then they stopped although I suspect they may have kept in touch over facebook.
The next 5 months consisted a of me doing everything I could including MC think of to stave off divorce but she told me that she had no feelings for me any more and even though she could see how much I had changed for the better and how much I loved her, the feelings just werent returning. Her brother, hearing how unhappy she was suggested that maybe she needed time away from me so she moved out 5 weeks ago.
About 2 and a half weeks ago I came to the realization that nothing I was doing was working so I stopped almost all communication which is extremely hard because we work at the company and see each other for a couple of hours each day. After all of this time away from her and no communication, I have felt my love for her slowly melt away to almost nothing and for the most part am only still in the game because I still respect the vows I took and the institution of marriage. I am trying to GAL and actually I am enjoying my new found freedom. I tend to alternate between thoughts of "maybe this thing can still work itself out" and telling her to "just file the papers and get this thing over with".
So now after 5 months of a living hell, I am just wondering how to proceed or if I should proceed.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
About 2 and a half weeks ago I came to the realization that nothing I was doing was working so I stopped almost all communication which is extremely hard because we work at the company and see each other for a couple of hours each day. After all of this time away from her and no communication, I have felt my love for her slowly melt away to almost nothing and for the most part am only still in the game because I still respect the vows I took and the institution of marriage. I am trying to GAL and actually I am enjoying my new found freedom. I tend to alternate between thoughts of "maybe this thing can still work itself out" and telling her to "just file the papers and get this thing over with".
So now after 5 months of a living hell, I am just wondering how to proceed or if I should proceed.
Met, I would continue with what you're doing now -- GO DARK. Do you have any children?
These "changes" that you made -- were these legitimate, SELF-improvement things that YOU wanted to improve upon . . . for YOU . . . or were they merely tactics designed to please your wife?
Supplication rarely attracts a woman to a man. Strong, leading behavior DOES.
These were legitimate changes that I made on my own volition and not from any "nagging" from her. I was sitting around feeling miserable and wondering what would really make me feel happy. When I realized that whenever I made my wife happy I felt really happy and warm towards her so I started changing my attitude and behavior in our marriage. It worked really well......for me. I had a love for her so strong that I hadnt felt that way since we had gotten married, but her feelings for me never returned even after she acknowledged the huge change in me.
We have 2 children both grown, one away in college and the other still at home for a few more months. The only communication we have for the most part is when I have mail for her.
Last December I had sort of an epiphany that I wasnt the husband that I should have been and decided that I would do a complete makeover of myself to change that situation. After a couple of months, she was telling me that this change was very strange and she was feeling smothered and pulling away from me.
Something similar happened with my W, I went from being pretty distant to being overly affectionate. She said it was "too much". Most women don't want either extreme, it's better to be somewhere in the middle.
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along with "I dont want to be married any more", "we have nothing in common any more", "maybe we were never really in love", "I'm a different person than the on you married", "I cant remember a single good moment in our marrige", etc.
Don't read too much into this, those are all typical WAS script lines. She's rewritten history, she remembers all the bad moments and none of the good. DO NOT try to convince her she's wrong, it'll just drive her farther away. She does feel that way for now, but she probably won't always feel that way. You have to give her space and time to sort this out.
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Her brother, hearing how unhappy she was suggested that maybe she needed time away from me so she moved out 5 weeks ago.
He's probably right. She's got to sort through this on her own, the best thing you can do for her right now is leave her alone. Try not to call or text her. If she contacts you it's fine to respond, but resist contacting her (she'll perceive it as pressure).
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After all of this time away from her and no communication, I have felt my love for her slowly melt away to almost nothing and for the most part am only still in the game because I still respect the vows I took and the institution of marriage.
We all cycle through different emotions including this one (feeling like we've fallen out of love). I suspect that if you give it more time you'll continue cycling through anger, love, ambivalence, etc. Accept the emotions as part of the process, but try not to let them affect your decisions.
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I tend to alternate between thoughts of "maybe this thing can still work itself out" and telling her to "just file the papers and get this thing over with".
Yeah, that's part of the cycling I mentioned. Totally normal.
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So now after 5 months of a living hell, I am just wondering how to proceed or if I should proceed.
I can relate. I ask myself that same question all the time. I think it's Cadet that says the easy thing to do is to drop the rope. It's MUCH harder to stand. So that's a choice we all have to make, drop the rope and get on with our lives or stand and hope against the odds that we can heal our M's.
Sometimes we work right next to each other for a while. It is really awkward not saying anything at all to her. Should I keep it that way or just throw out some pleasantries? If I have mail for her should I tell her or wait till she asks me about it?
Another tough thing is that all of my friends are also her fiends and coworkers. She doesnt want anyone to know that we are separated so it is hard to hang out with them when the conversation eventually gets around to where is your wife and why are you going out so much without her.
Sometimes we work right next to each other for a while. It is really awkward not saying anything at all to her. Should I keep it that way or just throw out some pleasantries? If I have mail for her should I tell her or wait till she asks me about it?
Another tough thing is that all of my friends are also her fiends and coworkers. She doesnt want anyone to know that we are separated so it is hard to hang out with them when the conversation eventually gets around to where is your wife and why are you going out so much without her.
I agree with Starsky, treat her in a friendly manner, be polite and always show a positive mental attitude when you're around her even if you're talking to someone else or just in the same area. It's hard at first, but keep at it and it'll become your "new normal". Try to remember what you were like back when ya'll started dating and make yourself into that guy. A lot of people think detachment means becoming cold and distant, but that is not it at all. We're supposed to LOVINGLY detach. That means giving her space and not contacting her much, but if she contacts you or if you're face-to-face then by all means be friendly and available. If she talks then you listen. If she expresses emotions then you validate. Don't try to fix her problems. Don't bring up the M.
It is possible it hasn't been enough time. You have become a wonderful husband, fulfiling the roles, and making the changes she has requested- but just under one year ago and just a little late in timing for her (the high school reunion and texting challenges.) She hasn't had a chance to see how you have grown and changed. Most likely she is perceiving your changes as a way to get your needs met- to get her back in the marriage role she assumed for 25years. And, like most WAS, she is distracted by her new experiences. Do not believe everything she says despite the poignancy of the words.
Keep growing, changing, and being positive. Your emptiness is not illogical and is natural. Letting the love die is a reasonable defense from ongoing longing and hurting. Don't let the love die in defense. Nurture yourself by taking good care of yourself and maintaining a postive mental attitude. She needs time and space to take a look at you without her old perspective. And a 25year marriage builds up a lot of "perspective." More space makes it easy to see how you are now truly changed, different and loving.
Met with my IC today and told him that W went back to hometown(where the reunion took place) for the weekend to visit family. I told him that in my opinion, judging from what she has said and her actions, the contact with the OM probably has not stopped and dont know if she will meet with him this weekend. She definitely had an EA and possibly a PA with him but no proof on the PA. I can easily deal with an EA but if I found out definitively that she had a PA, I cant deal with that(not sure why) and would immediately move to end M.
I have a 3 day weekend coming up and that is way too much time for me to think. I just hope I can make it through without too much stress. It is kind strange that on the one hand I dont have any feelings for her when I talk face to face but things like this weekend will stress me to no end.
