JAG, I just finished reading your entire thread, and can relate to much of your sitch. In particular, the fact that my W also feels no passion for me, we almost never argue, and have been living as roommates. Like you, I also have read Marshall's ILYBINILWY, and found it described well how we ended up where we are now. The biggest difference in our sitchs, is that your wife is showing some interest in working on the M, and mine is not because she is in MLC.
Originally Posted By: Just A Guy
Should I tell her how I am hurting?
I think 25yrs gave you the answer to this question a while back:
Originally Posted By: 25yrs
First, let's start when she says "why won't you let me in?" by you saying you are NOT OKAY WITH A SEXLESS MARRIAGE AND A ROOMIE RELATIONSHIP...
you'll give her some time BUT you have a time LIMIT too, like any h would...
I think you are in a better position than most on this board to save your marriage. I'll be staying tuned.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I asked some questions in my many LONG posts to you. Please respond to them. Otherwise I get the impression you skim things and if the "secret" answer isn't revealed, you just move on and post another event.
You have to take in what we say and PROCESS it and see what NEW BEHAVIORS YOU can engage in and what seems to be working in your m.
You've been in this weird situation for over a year now? Are those dates right? She told you 22 months ago she's not "in love"?
IF SO, how long are you willing to wait?
What else are you willing to do that is new and different and might work?
One thing you have not done, which is only to be done when you are out of other options (but that day could come...soon_)
Is give an ultimatum.
I ONLY suggest it IF & WHEN YOU are ready to follow through with it.
But if you've been married for 4 years and half of it has been mediocre, at best,
then you need to ask yourself if THIS marriage to THIS woman, is what you want
or if it's more about YOU not wanting to lose.
Do you know what I'm asking you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hear you MLC.... And I know what you are asking me...
I have been racking my brain trying to think of something which I can do differently.. 22 Months ago W told me "ILYBINILWY but I do not want to leave the M and I know we can work things through."
What she didn't tell me was that even though she was acting as if things had gotten better and she was giving me cards and making me feel like we were on the right path she was still feeling the ILYB feelings deep down. She tells me now that she was fighting them the whole time we have been married and even earlier in our R that she thought they would just pass.
I am willing to wait as long as it takes until she feels that "spark" again or until I feel like it is effecting my life in negative ways.
As far as what I am willing to do which is new and different, at this point ANYTHING.. I popped the retrouville idea to her and she sorta didn't like the fact that it is affiliated with the church even though I told her it isn't a religious type retreat but I will have to approach it differently.
I have asked her about what she is reading and what she is getting out of her books.. We have discussed the most recent book "I will not die an unlived life."
As far as an ultimatum I think I am getting close to that point but I am not there yet. I think SHE is getting close to the point of separation especially since our lease is up in Jan.
I have also been searching my soul a LOT in regards to why I want to stay married to her. Why if half of our entire R together has been passionless am I so concerned and fighting so hard to keep her.. Part of me thinks it is because she is my first true love, my longest relationship. She and I have an incredible friendship and are on the same page on just about everything, the times we are NOT on the same page we always figure out how to get there. I feel like I will always compare other future R's to her and I keep feeling like no one will stack up to her and the way we are together. I keep remembering the times where I KNOW she felt passion for me, little glimpses of what we can and still do have even if it is buried under dozens of layers of issues. The fact of the matter is that no one has ever made me feel the way she does, that I would lay down my life for her, that I will try anything... And then I try and truthfully ask myself am I still fighting because I don't want to lose her, and the answer is no. This is not about pride or about being dumped.
I feel that we never would have gotten where we are, and stuck around as long as we have if there wasn't some semblance of a great M in us.
Last night she brought up M again and asked me what I was afraid of. I told her I was afraid of giving up on something I feel deep in my core is good and can work and become amazingly beautiful. She told me she sees no other solution except out.. She didnt say she WANTS out but it felt more like she was asking me for permission to feel the way she is feeling.. I told her I am not staying in the M just because I am being stubborn and don't want to lose but because I keep coming to the same conclusion it would be a mistake to D.
She told me she wishes she could stop the hurt again... I want to go on a tangent in all the ways I know she could stop the hurt. We hugged and went to bed...
We have MC session on Tuesday. MC was on a roll last week with us and she thought we were on the right path making great strides towards R... Boy is she in for a treat Tuesday...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
The more you insist to her that it's fixable, the more insistently she needs to feel that there's no other solution than out. Because that is how she feels and you aren't accepting it.
Perhaps it would be better if you avoided R talks entirely.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
And Adinva, How do you still sleep next to some one for so long knowing they dont't really want to be sleeping next to you?!?!? Its so hard for me to resist spooning, and holding my W because we used to wake up spooning each other EVERY morning for the past 6 years...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Read through others' threads here and ask others how they resist R talks. It's one of the basic points made to everyone who comes here. R talks dig your hole deeper almost every time. You control what you say and what conversations you get involved in, she does not. Get more busy, say you don't want to talk about that right now, I don't know, there must be ways. My H would rather have teeth pulled without novocaine than have a R talk so they've been easy for me to avoid.
How do I sleep next to him? In going on 15 years I've done plenty of things for the sake of my kids. Carried them inside me, wiped off their poop, suffered patiently through tantrums and fits, countless hours of homework. There are a million things that would be hard for someone to do and I do them gladly without much thought because it's what I must do. In the same vein, in their world mom and dad go to bed together and wake up together. It started out that I didn't want them to see what was going on with us until we knew ourselves. I wanted to spare them the in-between mess of a marriage problem while we sorted out our stuff. Unfortunately there's really been no progress and it's come to a point where there are other ways they probably know and we do need to sit them down and explain.
In my case my H helped here too, by gradually objecting more and more to being touched while he was asleep, to the point where we all know he's most comfortable over on his side with pillows between. There's no risk of accidental spooning here.
Your individual situation has many differences but it may have one similarity. Although your W seems to have paid lip service to wanting to work things out and wanting to try, it may be that she really does not want to be with you, as my H does not want to be with me. If that's the case the more you insert yourself where you're not wanted, the more you will be not wanted. I don't have answers for how you work out the sleeping arrangements, but in my opinion it's best to stay in your rightful spot in your bed and learn to be comfortable there...or ask her to move to a different location if she doesn't want to be there with you. It is tough stuff, I'm sorry.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
