Realistic Optimist Hard At Work

[Just A Guy]

Also I think its time I start bringing up some of the exercises from the ILYBINILWY book that she agreed to do.. If anything it will open up the door to more discussions together about emotions.

We are working out together tonight and driving together into the shop tomorrow morning as I need to work at the shop for a few hours. I have to be VERY aware of my feelings at ALL times and voice my emotions right away.

Also it wouldnt hurt if I could figure out why the heck I havent been able to cry...

[Just A Guy]

Baaaaaaammmm!!! Yesterday work called me telling me "they wouldn't be able to get insurance for me until January" This is unacceptable since the terms of my employment we to get me insurance after 90 days. My W's company has been footing the insurance bill until then but it stresses the shop financially more than it should.

So normally I would have taken the hit and tried to figure it out myself. But since I had been so adamant about the insurance and I had made sure to send multiple emails out reminding them that 90 days was fast approaching I felt I did not need to roll over this time. Management pushed back saying that it was going to be hard since the deadline for sign up before open enrollment season was yesterday (convenient huh??). I told them that it wasn't my problem, that I had held up my end of the deal and even kept up with reminding them of their end of the deal fast approaching. That if they didn't get it sorted out I would have to resign..

And guess what they got it done... I got what I deserved and I think I even garnered some extra respect from the owners as well..

Oh yeah and W saw I was flaming mad on the phone from her office (I was working at the shop on my day off) and came out to ask me what the problem was. When I told her she looked at me in admiration. the frustration and anger I normally would have held onto was directed at the proper person in the proper respectful way, and she was proud of me for that... Even better I got irritated later that evening because I was hungry and she was dilly dallying when we were late already to go to dinner at SIL's house. I let her know I was irritated while I got myself a snack, she loved it... Crazy..

This morning she said she wanted to work on doing some reading/exercises together...

Progress, man I love it... Still holding my expectations low but not as low as last week..

[labug]

[Just A Guy]

Gotta stop reading into things so much with W... So many things to be happy about still even though W and I have not kissed in 3 weeks now... W is breaking out in hives now and she thinks its stress related. Started telling me that she's been really stressed and confused this past week. Didn't dig into wth she meant just told her I hope the stress dissipates and if she needed any help with anything to let me know. We sat outside looking for meteors and drank some wine. Tomorrow we go for a hike with our dogs.

I hope to get a great chance to open up some more tomorrow since I will be off of work for the day.

[25yearsmlc]

My expectations are low but I am excited that she asked to read the book. She knows full well that I thought it had great insight into our sitch and a detailed set of steps to try and break through to the passionate side of the relationship again. So the fact that she wanted to read it without any prompts from me is cause for hope, and right now that's all I need to keep fighting for this M.

I will hopefully have some good updates tomorrow as we are spending the day together at her aunt and uncles house.

I'm glad she asked for it, although I wasn't sure why you could not offer it to her, (as long as it could be done without a lot of pressure or expectations...)

also, did you ask if she likes the book SHE is reading, and or did you ask her if you could read the book SHE is reading?

Think about that.

[25yearsmlc]

Soooooooooooo, went to the shop today because I needed to do an oil change on my truck... When I was done I went into the office and saw W was reading ILYBINILWY book.. She then proceeded to ask me if I had done any of the exercises in the book. I told her I had done a few but mainly the ones which were directed for solo work. I then asked her if she wanted to do some of the exercises together. She said sure "but it would have been nice to know you wanted to do this sooner"...

WTF does that mean?!?! Yet again something that is my fault??

it means you still do not communicate well. You said yourself you are not good at expressing anything that isn't happy and positive. And frankly, NO ONE LIKES to express negatives but we get a little bit BRAVE and we speak up,

when you hold back, you make it hard for people to truly know you...

and when you don't truly KNOW someone, you can't fully love them.


She felt slighted when I told her about the book at MC instead of to her, she told me I should have let her in on it if it was helping me instead of waiting for the MC session for her to find out.

AGREED...

Now she is putting the guilt trip on me because I didnt ask her to do the exercises??

She is NOT attacking you. What "Guilt trip"? She's expressing a negative emotion SHE FELT...it's not all about you. Deal with it like an adult.

In my head I didnt share or ask because I didnt want to push or pressure..

we know...you were afraid....

She however is looking at it as me hiding things from her and not including her in my emotions/feeling which is what I have done for years to help get us in this mess..

Uggggg....

so what have you learned from this?

[25yearsmlc]

She means that I cannot be afraid to rock the boat since our ship is already sinking.. she means that she wants to hear my feelings and emotions. That clamming up for so many years has put us in this sitch.

It goes against DBing somewhat but it is a specific thing she has asked for which she has stated could very well be the key and I have thought since the beginning almost that it is the main issue.

Why do you think it goes against DBing? It does not.

What goes against DBing is more of the same.

You finally did something different, and she hugged you for it. That's GOOD...geez, stop thinking being distant and silent is what YOU need to do.

But yes, back off when she shows she wants space.

[25yearsmlc]

Sandi, I always appreciate your posts and growing a pair is what I AM wprking on... I am an appeaser I always have been. But I am slowly leaving that behind...

The lols are mainly because I never thought I would be in this position...


it's a pet peeve of mine to see "LOL's" b/c they sound like what my 15y/o DAUGHTER'S friends say...not what a man says.

Please, process what Sandi has written to you and CHANGE FAST...

I am constantly trying to make progress... I was under the impression that I should let her have her space this weekend and let her communicate with me when she is ready... I don't do that as much at home anymore.

of course you have to leave her alone while she's gone on a retreat FROM YOU...

but when you are together, no more "hiding",

BE THERE...really, show up for the marriage...

[25yearsmlc]

I will keep posting... I will also be looking for an IC.. Even if M doesn't work out I still need to figure this out. W was in tears and she said "Whats it going to take for you to let me in? Are you going to wait till I leave and then figure it out for your next R? Why would you want to do that when I am still here right now?"

Sigh...

First, let's start when she says "why won't you let me in?" by you saying you are NOT OKAY WITH A SEXLESS MARRIAGE AND A ROOMIE RELATIONSHIP...

you'll give her some time BUT you have a time LIMIT too, like any h would...

and second,

Look up the website of an INDIVIDUAL personal growth workshop called "Essential Experience" (= "EE") and make the time to go. Yes it cost money but it's about 3 years of IC in one long weekend and you'll leave with an action plan. And it's the same price today that it was 20 years ago.

I went years ago. Not so much for my m, but for other family issues, including childhood stuff still affecting me, and career guidance, etc...

it was profoundly life changing & I finished with an Action Plan for my life, which I've largely followed since and which is VERY different than my previously made not so happy plan.

I changed So much that when I got off the plane to come home, h noticed a visible change in me that minute. He continued to see changes in me... A few months later, HE went and HE changed and then we went together.

we Unlocked a lot. We Felt closer than ever...if it weren't for that time, I would not have bothered to DB for as long as I did.

Several DBers have attended and they all said it clarified things for them. And gave them a sense of peace.

Your other option is to go TOGETHER (if she will), to Retrovaille. I found it helpful, but you need her to go with you.

And the issue you have is not just a marital issue and imo, you ought to seriously consider EE....it's not that expensive when you consider what it'll save you.

And if it improves your life half as much as it helped mine, you'll never have spent money in a better way.

[Just A Guy]

Sooooooo... Its been a great few days.. I have been journaling, W has been so open with me. She has been really relaxed around me, more so than normal. Thanksgiving was a LOT of fun, we had a great time together.

On our way to my parents for dinner "I wont give up on us" started playing and W asked me to turn it up because she really likes the song and the message. We sang it together, made me feel she was still in it.. Then while at parents house she made plans with my S to see her at college in May..

Then this morning I woke up next to her and saw her sleeping smiling next to me. I started to tear up. She means the world to me and she is worth laying down my life for. Well she woke up while I was looking at her and she put her hand on my cheek. She told me "I wish I could take your hurt away."

I told her "I am not hurt as much as I am afraid of losing you. You and our marriage mean the world to me and I would do anything to save it. All of this is new to me and I am trying to change to show you the man you fell in love with."

She was silent, she just grabbed my hand and lay there. She had a hard time looking into my eyes. Not going to initiate contact..

I got to work and started thinking more. as I thought the hurt and anger welled up...

OF COURSE you can take the hurt away!!! DECIDE to not walk away, DECIDE to not break the vows you took not once but TWICE with me!! Decide to figure things out and make the commitment to fall in love again... Once you make that commitment half the battle is OVER and you can truly work on the issues..

I know I have! I have been more open, more vulnerable.. its a loooong road for me to get where I need to be but the hardest part was figuring out a direction and committing to it...

Gonna be a tough day at work and then working out after which I will be back home with W for the evening...