Is It really Worth it?

[Ready2Quit]

I have been married for 24 years, been with him for 30. We have two Sons 17 and 19. The last five years he has been having an affair with a co-worker. I have asked him to leave several times, but always wanted him to come home. We have been to about 6 c, both together and IC within the last 5 years. He would tell me it was over and he would change, but that never happened. Finally I did what I thought I wanted I had a "fling" slept with OM. It was horrible. He found out, the next day I saw text to OW telling her eveything and ending with "I love you, Babe" I told him to leave. He has been gone for two months living with his mom. At first I did everything wrong, begged, pleaded, texted, asked him to come home. He said there was nothing left and he could not get over me having sex with another man.

Pretty funny since it seems it was ok for me to get over him having sex wth another women. I finally started doing the 180 on him. He would call and want to go to dinner or something and I would always say YES Then I realized I could not do this anymore, It hurt to much to see him and know this was never going to work out. So I started saying No. Last weeke he asked me to go to a haunted house "with the kids" I told him I could not go. He got mad and could not believe I had made other plans when the "kids" wanted to go. I had not made other plans, I just told him I could not go and the kids didn't even care.

Well, he had knee surgery yesterday in the hospital where I work. I did not go see him. He sent me a text saying his mom was really surprised I didn't come see him since I work here. And he was disappointed that I didn't come see him? WTF? Then last night he sent me a picture of his knee, (looking for sympathy?) Then this morning another text telling me how bad it hurt and that his Aunt had died. I was very nice told him I was sorry. I told him to make sure he took his pain medicine.

He said it helps, but doesn't take all pain away (?) I know he is still seeing the OW, but I don't know why he is suddenly trying to contact me and be all nice? His mom is taking care of him (loser!). I am not sure what to do at this point except continue with the 180. Bad thing is we are going to a wedding tommorrow. Both my boys are in the wedding. I am driving seperate because I am bringing the g-friends, he can take his mother. I don't want to stay long for the reception alot of his family will be in attendance. How do i leave quiety? The girls will ride home with the boys, so it is just me! I am just not sure what he is up too!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Have you read the DR book yet?

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

Knowledge is Power

[AnotherStander]

First let me ask, I'm not clear from reading your post if you want him back or not. It sounds like you did for a while, but maybe don't now? If you do want him back, then you need to remember the key to detachment is to LOVINGLY detach. That means to give your spouse time and space to sort through their thoughts, but still be available for them if they express interest or want to talk. He's reaching out to you right now and if you want to keep reconciliation hopes alive then you should respond rather than turning a cold shoulder. If you keep up the cold shoulder routine then he's going to eventually quit reaching out to you and move on.

He would call and want to go to dinner or something and I would always say YES Then I realized I could not do this anymore, It hurt to much to see him and know this was never going to work out. So I started saying No.

Again, this is assuming you want him back, if so then good DB'ing is to say "no" sometimes and "yes" other times. The idea is to be a bit mysterious and sometimes unavailable. If he calls, sometimes answer and other times let it go to voicemail and call him back later. If he texts, sometimes reply right away and other times wait a few hours. But if you never say "yes", eventually he'll quit asking.

I just told him I could not go and the kids didn't even care.

Are you sure the kids don't care? Teens have the unique ability of acting like they don't care when they really do.

I was very nice told him I was sorry. I told him to make sure he took his pain medicine.

That doesn't sound nice to me, it sounds cold and distant like you really don't care.

He said it helps, but doesn't take all pain away (?) I know he is still seeing the OW, but I don't know why he is suddenly trying to contact me and be all nice?

He's doing it because of your detachment. It's the distance/ pursuit dynamic. You're distancing, so he's pursuing. If you want to reconcile then you need to show some interest while still remaining detached.

[Ready2Quit]

I do want him back, but I guess I am doing this wrong. He called me and wanted a ride to the wedding so I picked him up. I had son's g-firends with me so we did not talk. We were nice to each other at the wedding, it was a nice time. I asked him if he wanted to ride home with me, he said yes. We were alone, I made small talk. When I pulled into moms driveway he looked at me and told me that I really looked pretty today (I have only heard that about 3-4 times from him in my life!) I said thanks! Then then leaned over to kiss me, I kissed him back but pulled away first.

The next day he sent me text and asked me what I was doing today, I had plans with a friend and do some shopping. He asked me if this included dinner and I said yes, he said ok. End of that. A few hours later he sent me a text and asked me how was dinner, then I asked him if he watching tv, he said yes, "that is all I have been doing, watching tv and thinking" I said "I hope its good thoughts" He said "I hope so, hope things aren't too late" I asked him what did he mean by "too late". He said "too much to discuss over text.

He asked me what my work schedule was like for this week and that was it. So what do I do? He told me a month ago it was over, There was no fixing our marriage, he was still seeing OW. That was when I stopped texting and calling him. I left him alone. I asked him twice a month ago to come home, lets trying starting over, forgving, he said no. So now when I leave him alone and act uninterested he shifts? I don't know what to do to get him to to have the conversation about us and what he wants to do. I don't want to ask because I have already told him what I want and that did not work.

I just want him to tell me if this os over or if he wants to come home then tell me! Is that the wrong approach?

[Ready2Quit]

I really think I am losing my mind! How can he tell me on Sunday that he has been doing a lot of thinking and "hope it is not too late" and then does not make contact with me regarding our marriage??!! He has sent me a few text message last night and today, but I thought for sure he would want to meet and talk about us and want to come home!

He sent me a text to let me know that a good friend of his father had died. I told him that I would go to the viewing with him, all he said was "if you want too." So does that mean he wants me to go, should I wait and let him contact me about it. I was so sure he was going to ask to talk to me today! Maybe I read too much into the text about it not being too late. I just want to cry! I thought we were getting somewhere after two months! Gosh I am so stupid!!!

[Ready2Quit]

So How do you start the "talk" with your H? Or do I?

[KarenR]

Don't beat yourself up, you have done the best you could...and he keeps sending mixed messages. I know you have done counseling, but it doesn't sound like they gave you the tools or direction that you need to take care of yourself and to interact with him in a way that could get a better result. I hope that you can speak to a DB coach, you will feel hopeful and have someone in your corner guiding you. There is a $30 discount available today. Please give me a call and take good care.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Hey Ready2Quit (What a depressing moniker you've chosen!)

First... Have you Read DB or DR? These books will help you a GREAT deal with what you're going through right now.

And these boards are a great place to get a variety of different opinions on your sitch.... and to read other people's situations to get a good perspective on how you are NOT alone here.

Don't worry about losing your mind. We all do that once in a while during these times!

Please read DB... Find out about GALing, 180s, goal setting etc. And keep posting here!

[AnotherStander]

I do want him back, but I guess I am doing this wrong.

Actually based on what you described you're doing a lot of things right and it's working. You just don't realize it because you don't know the baby steps to look out for. Have you read DR yet?

When I pulled into moms driveway he looked at me and told me that I really looked pretty today (I have only heard that about 3-4 times from him in my life!) I said thanks! Then then leaned over to kiss me, I kissed him back but pulled away first.

That's a perfect reaction. It's OK to kiss if he initiates, but you did the right thing pulling away first. It creates mystery. Why did she pull away? Is there something wrong? Am I losing her? These are the questions you want him asking himself.

he said yes, "that is all I have been doing, watching tv and thinking" I said "I hope its good thoughts" He said "I hope so, hope things aren't too late" I asked him what did he mean by "too late". He said "too much to discuss over text.

That's a very good sign as well. It seems pretty clear he's thinking about things and second-guessing his decision to end it.

So what do I do?

Nothing!!! Let him do this at his pace. Go to this thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post2290638

And read Accuray's "rare book" analogy as well as the "castle" and "squirrel" analogies that I posted. It will help explain your H's behavior and what your reaction to it should be (act "as if" everything is fine and don't bring it up).

That was when I stopped texting and calling him. I left him alone.

Perfect. That's proper DB'ing.

So now when I leave him alone and act uninterested he shifts?

Yes, that's exactly the way it works. If you pursue, he pulls back farther, but if you pull back then he goes into pursuit mode. Be careful how you react. You don't want to react by starting to pursue again because he'll just pull back and repeat the cycle. Hold your ground. Don't reach out to him, let him reach out to you. Don't be cold, just be happy, positive and mysterious.

I don't know what to do to get him to to have the conversation about us and what he wants to do.

Again, do nothing. Read the analogies and you'll understand why. You're holding food for a squirrel, hold still and he'll keep approaching. Flinch even a tiny bit and he'll run away.

I don't want to ask because I have already told him what I want and that did not work.

Which is exactly why you don't want to do it again.

I just want him to tell me if this os over or if he wants to come home then tell me! Is that the wrong approach?

Yes. This will not be over with (one way or the other) quickly, it'll take months. Be patient.

[Ready2Quit]

Thank you soo much Anotherstander! It is so hard to be patient! I started to pursue and he pulled back! I have read DB and am reading DR! I felt so good on Sunday after he told me he hoped it was not too late, then I crashed because he has not wanted to talk! I keep thinking the OW is telling him what to do! I am happy when I see him then after he leaves I go to my room and cry so my boys don't see me.

Went to dinner with him and boys today after we went to funeral home. It feels so fake to me to act like a happy family when all I want to do is scream and shake him and say u are so stupid you are giving up every thing for a women who is not even leaving her husband for you, your living with your mom and now you hardly see your boys! What is wrong with you!!