I haven't read your sitch, in fact I've read only the last 3 posts, so that's all I've got to go on for these thoughts ...
Originally Posted By: reachingHigher
I need to stop thinking that we are going to get back together. It could happen, I know, but it's messing me up right now to imagine this romantic R we are having when actions speak louder.
The thing that always irritates me about the LBS (myself included) is that we don't see that THEY have treated US badly, and that the decision of whether or not we 'get back together' should rest firmly in our hands if and when they pull their heads out of their a$$es. We pine and hope and change and tiptoe ... for what? So maybe, just maybe, our MLC/sick/selfish spouses can see we have value and they've made a mistake?
Stop it.
Now.
You have value because you are you. Do what you need to do to become an independant, healthy, happy individual without the confines and definitions that go along with a relationship. Do not be a b!tch about it, live with empathy and compassion, but for yourself as well. Treat him with as much respect as you would a stranger, but stop trying so damn hard to show him he's made a mistake by trying to win him back. Show him he made a mistake by living your best life. And when/if he sees it ... then YOU decide if his contribution is worth the investment.
So what does this look like? Stop being so available. Be busy ... try new things, make new friends ... knitting, parasailing, hiking, cooking, painting, wood working, pole dancing, rock climbing ... lol ... try anything, and everything! Find free stuff, connect with old friends ... be the woman you are, the woman you've always wanted to be.
Get at 'er ... Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, he needs to win you back, not the other way around. Keep reminding yourself that you are the PRIZE!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yesterday, I managed to be gone from the house at the store when H arrived. When I got home I made lunch but was in a bad mood.
After I got lunch on the table for H and boys, I didn't eat with them but left for 2+ hours for a mountain bike ride. It's just what I needed. I felt totally calm and peaceful when I got back.
S12 was riding four-wheelers with a neighbor boy and I was thrilled because living out here & homeschooling, friends are hard to come by. H was very, very teary & choked up. Just looking around at our place in a daze.
I showered & we left for HP in his Mercedes. He put the top down after we got off the gravel roads. I told him to put on whatever music he wanted. He immediately put on some rap music very loudly & started singing with it. It had words/themes that were VERY far from my pic of H as a family man!
I once asked him why he liked rap and he said "because I can pretend I'm somebody else for a little while.". I was actually glad this was happening because it showed me how very far apart we are.
He gave me his dew rag for my hair since we were in the convertible and we laughed since I looked like a gypsy. and we took pics of each other. Eventually he changed the music to ZZ Top, much to my relief.
He took me to our favorite restaurant, since I hadn't eaten. Favorite table, he says? It was a good visit. I felt like I was visiting with a family friend. I inquired as to how his mother was doing, about his plans for his Puerto Rico trip, etc.
He acted like we were on a date, if you ask me. Some touching, etc. We went back to HP. I hadn't been there since July when he moved in. Obviously, a real bachelors pad.
We held each other for a while. It was obvious he wanted to ML but I said I had to go. He had a lot of tears in his eyes. He walked me to the truck. I kissed him briefly on the lips and told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.
He has the appointment with the L this morning & I expect he is filing then coming for a visit at some point today. I'm okay with it. I read AJ's post. I, too, look in the past and feel like H & I had a good marriage. And our boys are priceless. My H thinks that too.
We are just way too far apart right now. I don't misinterpret his attentions any more as wanting to reconcile. He just loves me and it hurts splitting up. I don't want him back as he is now. I want a different him, and he's not that person any more. I don't doubt he could change again but he's not at this point.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, The bike ride did you a lot of good yesterday. You needed that "alone" time to dust out the cobwebs in your mind and to know what you needed to do.
Your h was very honest w/you when he said he could pretend to be somebody else for a while. They become the complete opposites, i.e., different music, taste in food and drinks changes, clothing changes, etc.
Your h is so confused by what is happening to him and he really does love you, but he doesn't understand the way he's feeling about his life. You had a good marriage and your sons are the diamonds in the tiara. They are priceless and must be treasured at all times.
It's going to take some time before your h comes out the other side of his crisis. I hope and pray that his journey will not be a long one and that when he does come out the other side, he will want to reconcile w/you and be the mature man that he needs to be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Exercise helps me,too, although I wouldn't get on a mountain bike. I would definitely crash. Walking's more my speed. The problems seem to go out through my feet. You are handling everything so well.
I love that diamonds in the tiara. Children are precious.
RH, Love the name on your new thread. We as LBS's need to be tough at the lowest times of our lives! I believe it was J3B that said "you don't know how tough you are until you have to be". Hang in there.
I have learned so much from you and all that have posted on your sitch and i agree that you need to pull back and allow your h to go this journey alone. Here is where you need to have faith in the vets and DB principles even when it is opposite of what our heart is telling us. My sitch is a fair bit different in that my W does not know what direction she wants to go but i have taken the attitude that i am willing to take a break from the M and allow her the space to "discover" herself even if that is contrary to everything that I want. You said it all when you said
"I don't want him back as he is now. I want a different him, and he's not that person any more." (i still cant figure out how to add a quote like others do????)
That is your goal. Allow him the space to make this journey and hopefully come out the other side in some resemblance of who he was. But you will be and already have become a better person. It will be your choice to take him back if you choose....
Be strong
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
and we took pics of each other. Eventually he changed the music to ZZ Top, much to my relief.