trying to get her back

[edward113]

Mr. Bond,
Do you not think state my view about the money was enough?
I think if a do mention to her, that she took the money she will not response, so it would be a lost effort.
I will not be sending flowers, I just was really think of the smile the used to give her when I gave them to her.

[MrBond]

She didn't tell you she was taking the money AND STILL hasn't responded to you. So I don't know what you mean by it being a lost effort. It is a boundary that you would be placing. If you don't establish a boundary, she will continue to take advantage of you. There's no problem with wanting to save you marriage, it's entirely something else when you're being taken advantage of.

[edward113]

I did say that if she did remove it would expect her to return it later, but I know she will not. Just the same when she promise to help pay the our house bills and she stop giving my money for them.
It is just weird, WHY is it ok for me to have to give her money but not fair if it the other way around.

[25yearsmlc]

I did say that if she did remove it would expect her to return it later, but I know she will not. Just the same when she promise to help pay the our house bills and she stop giving my money for them.
It is just weird, WHY is it ok for me to have to give her money but not fair if it the other way around.

After you informed her, for some reason, that she could take ALL the money out and you could not do a thing....she took exactly half. And you are still leaving the rest there for her to take if she wants?

why? Why not put that in a new separate (transparent to the court later) account that she cannot touch so you KNOW you'll have enough for bills and you?

I would. BUT I'd also let her know that since she took her half and you cannot touch it, which you understand probably stemmed from her distrust, and which maybe you regret b/c trust is going to be needed going forward, no matter what,

But you also removed the remaining funds, "your share" and put it in another account and "oh fyi" the old account is closed, "thought you should know", etc.

no anger. Just the facts and if you want to show CHANGE, then acknowledge that you see how SHE could see it as fair,

but you could have used notice. And by giving HER notice that the old account is now closed, you are not being a hypocrite.

as for why she thinks something is fair,, based on what YOU wrote it clearly was.

She says she'll pay it back OR you think she'll have to BUT not if you "take" the other half. Then you've just split assets.

When it comes to debt, I don't know your situation.

If she is incurring debt, on her own, then your sep helps YOU....but again, I don't know what is going on there w/debts.

Just looks to me as if you gave her permission to take it all but she only took half, and now you can do the same but letting her know it.

At least you're protecting yourself and if you do it without anger, you'll look like you are a different person.

My guess, and it's only that, is that you have had a temper problem in the past and that may be an issue you really need to work on.

IF so, this needs to be seen as an opportunity for showing change in you.

Good luck!

[edward113]

"My guess, and it's only that, is that you have had a temper problem in the past and that may be an issue you really need to work on."
I have never been the before, do you think so?,
I have been told the I am too quiet and I need to show more of my frustrations with people. That was one of my troubles with my W, I never yelled or show anger towards her, show told me that it was not right not to want to have a fight.

[edward113]

I will have enough to pay my bill, I will leave it in there as sign of good fair on my part.
I feel as though I should just leave her alone. about this little bit of money she was after.
Yes she has occurred debt on her our, I have not been. I know she has racked up over 11k since she left me. And I know that from speaking with a lawyer that is not my responsibility.
I guess I am anger, that she finds me disgusting because I do not agree with her.

[25yearsmlc]

Edward,

I used your post and then inserted my comments in red for your convenience. Some people find it easier to read, others prefer other colors or using the many quotes.

I can use another color if it helps. Anyhow, this will make this post a LONG one and I apologize for that.

I will have enough to pay my bill, I will leave it in there as sign of good fair on my part.

Edward, you don't have to take anyone's advice. But I must say after reading most of your thread, I noticed you don't take much of ours. That's okay if you are following your therapist's views instead, and they make sense to you.

But I feel as if you are REACTING and then REGRETTING...a lot...repeatedly.

So what do YOU think YOU have learned about YOURSELF after these 5 months?

You don't seem able to clearly explain WHAT SHE SAID were the reasons AND IF you believe any of them...



I feel as though I should just leave her alone. about this little bit of money she was after.

I don't know how much you're talking about. But if it wasn't much in the first place, why did you REACT the way you did? Did you over react AND/OR have you talked yourself down?

And what is with the "all or nothing" approach? I don't think my suggestion for you to take YOUR half and put it somewhere safe, as in asset protection, was aggressive. It's assertive, but not aggressive and especially since you were going to CALMLY INFORM her of it...the way you'd have wanted notification.


Yes she has occurred debt on her our, I have not been. I know she has racked up over 11k since she left me. And I know that from speaking with a lawyer that is not my responsibility.

well if that^^ is true, then so be it. Sounds as if your risking whatever remains in the account, that she could arguably believe she can have...but if it's not much, then so be it. Might not be worth it.

I just think a boundary setting by you but done in a calm healthy way, would show CHANGE on your end. And I'm not sure she has seen much.

Were you depressed much in the marriage? Would SHE SAY you were? B/C to an extent, her perception is all that matters for now.


I guess I am anger, that she finds me disgusting because I do not agree with her.

I seriously doubt that she 1) finds you disgusting

AND/OR

that 2) it's BECAUSE you do not agree with her. Seriously...

Why would you mind read, and so negatively?

Here is what you wrote back at the start...some of it is not clear to me so I assume you were using an Iphone or English is not your second language. So If I misunderstand, bear with me please...

You wrote:


Well I messed up big time I send a letter whining about how I feel, and tried over a week to repair what I wrote. But now the contact has ended. Only dealing what the sell of the house. I have been struggling to stop myself from contacting her and it really hurts me. I keep read websites with the answers that I want to read.

These^^ are needy, clingy and desparate behaviors. Those emotions are NOT attractive in general, and least of all to a WAW or an MLCer...

you must hide them until you control them, process them and CHANGE Them, all of which take time & confronting things in ourselves we've hidden from or covered up. We must all dig deep...

I'm glad you are in therapy. Tell me, why would SHE SAY YOU are in therapy?

Why do YOU feel you are? Were you in therapy before the bomb drop?

You see she had got breast implants and I was against it, I was afraid she would leave after it was done, I even said that to her, what you going to that and then leave me,

WOW....that^^ is revealing.

The controlling part of you comes from your FEARS of her leaving you and you spoke them out. You were seeking yet more assurances from her BUT when a woman getting implants, she is usually NEEDING assurances of her own.

She may not be sure of herself in this world and if her h, YOU, are gone a lot for work, she is alone a lot...AND if you also just NEED HER and do not meet her needs, her "love tanks" are LOW...or empty. That's why someone suggested you read the Five Love Languages...by Chapman.

You can't just come to her with your plate of need, waiting for HER to fill it, and offer her nothing but financial support. What about HER NEEDS for emotional reassurance and attention and love?

Sounds like you wanted her to prop you up and the reason for you telling her of promotions was to get MORE accolades from her...imo. WHiCh = more needs of yours for her to fill.

That would really freak me out if my h said he was afraid I'd leave him b/c I got implants (or won the lottery or any other improvement...like the only reason I'm with him is because of MY needs...you projected your neediness onto her but then did not fill any of them.

As an example of something I found surprisingly attractive, let me share a little story.

I went back to my high school reunion and ran into my high school boyfriend. Of course I still have many warm and loving memories of him and our time together. I do NOT see him as a threat to my m, but I can imagine that it's not too cool to have him calling me when his wife left him. OR when his dad died.

But he did. I was pretty openly pro Div Busting so I sent him the book to help him fix his m, and I was genuinely sad about his dad, whom I always loved and admired.

BUT when I told my h about all this "in case he was a little jealous or annoyed or wanted me to stop",

my h sort of chuckled and said, "25, if you want to leave ME to go back to your 'nice, loyal stoner high school boyfriend,' that'd be a pretty crazy CLICHED choice but help yourself" and he LAUGHED and then, so did I. My h's security in how good a catch HE is, or at least compared to a HS boyfriend, was attractive to me.

Do you get my point?


she said no it will just make me happier, I can tell you that it did not, if anything she became more moody about the stupid things,


you sound critical of her here^^^. And vague, so it's hard to help or assess.

Name 2 "stupid things" she did or "became more moody about"

AND what YOU Did in response...

ask yourself IF it's possible she hoped for a positive reaction/reassurance from YOU after the surgery

but you were so consumed by your fears that she'd leave...that you withheld the affirmations and did not say much or anything good?

And do you see how that would feel TO HER? (NOT LOVING).

When we let our fears control our words/actions...something weird often happens...

we often bring about the very thing we feared, by our own behavior. Like a self fulfilling prophecy.



and I just deal with it.


What does that Mean?? You ignored her? You withdrew? You sulked & fumed? What?

I think ANY woman who gets plastic surgery wants something she is not getting from her h--like a MAN wanting her....*Not a needy guy desparate for ANY woman to make him feel better about himself...

I don't mean to insult all women who get work done. Hey, I've had botox and plan on doing it for a long time.

Sure, plastic surgery MAY mean she was planning on leaving but it's NOT the first thing I'd have believed.

AND you cannot ever admit you feared it. Just shows weak neediness at a time when she was probably feeling that way herself.
I have 2 SILs who had implants (and 2 nieces!) and for sure, one sister in law felt much better and sexier about her body and that helped her sex life. I never really discussed it with the other one.


Now she is gone off live with her mom, On some Sabbatical, and it kill me.


No it does not KILL you. This pain is deep but it's NOT FATAL and it's NOT ETERNAL. Don't wallow in it. You have kids...they are watching you. What lessons do you want THEM to learn for when they face setbacks like this, which they will at some point??

Start GAL...for real.


I know I need to move on, It therapy she said she did not want a divorce or a separation. Should I be the one to push for it.


NO...you should not be the one to push for it. (Honey, did you really read the Div Remedy book or the Div Busting book b/c you sound like you only saw certain parts of it)...and if you mix it in with other approaches, you will get nowhere.

Other approaches to marriage problems mostly conflict with ours. Mostly, not all but most, are more confrontational and DO push and issue ultimatums.

DB says ultimatums ought to be rare events, and ONLY done when you are really ready to get the answer you do NOT want...

Our approach is simple but radically different than many. We are solution based...not into re-hashing the past or reliving traumas...if you need that type of help, get it.

But THIS PLACE is about doing what helps your marriage heal,
and NOT doing what hurts it. That is DB 101.

So moving on = moving forward. It does NOT = giving up. Wrap your brain around that.

And why would YOU push for something you don't want? This is your impatience and emotions pushing you to REACT and do...do....do....something.

We are telling you to STOP that course of action, protect yourself and WORK ON YOU and GAL....we say the "GAL" a lot, because it works!

It stops you from looping around the freeway of Obsession, spinning your wheels and makes you take an EXIT and get off the "Obsession Highway" and STOP at the Scenic overlook. First get out of your comfort zone which right now might be hiding in bed all day and drinking at night or eating ice cream or just "taking a walk...alone...again..."

But now, instead of obsessing and doing nothing constructive for more than3 days...

Figure out where you were and where you want to go.

I don't know where you live but I HIGHLY recommend you read about weekend workshops for marriages in trouble. Like "Retrovaille".

That was started by the Catholic Church (b/c they realized you can't condemn divorce but NOT help married couples stay married)

but you do NOT HAVE to be Catholic to go (my h is not). It's a weekend retreat for couples in crisis, and you WILL BENEFIT but you both must go.

if she is not willing to go OR even if she is, YOU would also benefit from a personal growth workshop (assuming you pick a good one).

Some other DBers have gone, including me, e.g., PowerOf Now and Autumn Leaves and NavyGuy went, as have I many times. We all felt it had HUGE IMPACTS on our lives, our attitudes, etc.

(I go now to do "team", and help new participants. I do NOT get paid to "recruit", or to do "team", btw. My first EE workshop was in late '88)...

And it is life changing and you will make breakthroughs in one long weekend that had taken me 2 years of therapy to APPROACH making...

Power of Now also said "Life Changing" and he's NOT the type of guy to go to these things. My h was not either. But after I went, he saw my changes and he wanted what I had...so HE went months later.
[b]
"Essential Experience" is the workshop I'm referring to and they have a website that's informative. Just check it out.

They offer to house you there, (which is unusual). If you prefer, stay at a hotel -but I myself find the free housing offer appealing for many reasons, including money. The point is, if you can get yourself there and pay their price (which is among the lowest I've seen. It's pretty much non profit) you'll never spend money more wisely.
[/b]



Why is she being such an a-hole to me. I gave her everything,



I see a woman who left you, but she often says nice things to you AND does not yet want a divorce.

Most people would prefer what you are going through, to what they experienced and you have not even been at this half a year.

So stop being a martyr. It's not accurate and it's NOT APPEALING....plus if you "gave her everything" (she needed) she would not be gone. And this^^^ attitude does NOT help you!!

IT just fuels your anger AND THAT usually prevents or slows your growth.

You have a lot of digging deep to do. The real journey in life, is an inward one...


she is the one who shut down. Now I am thinking of calling her on Thanksgiving, and I am not sure if that is a good idea, will it make her angry. she did tell me she 'loved me' but she has not said that in 2 months. though last month she said she missed me.[/b]


all of this^^ is more blaming HER and defending yourself as if you "gave her everthing" (b/c you were perfect??)

and your needs not being met and you kind of whining more about it,

even though you know the whining letter was NOT helpful!!

I realize this post of yours was a few months ago. I'm pointing it out so YOU can recall that she did not do this "for no reason out of the blue".

By NOW I want to know what you've learned about YOU...that is different from what all this stuff says...what has CHANGED in you?
[b]
REALIZE THIS, EDWARD...if you were a perfect h, and yet she still left, that is terrible bad news...

why? B/c it means you are powerless to change a thing.

So I want you to see that having flaws to work on IS GOOD NEWS. It's empowering.

Do you get my point?



i just feel horrible because I pushed and now i really think it is over
separated 4 M, married 8.5 years, dated 4 years,

in this post you feel horrible BECAUSE YOU PUSHED...but now you ask, yes NOW months later

if you ought to just file. So with this reflecting, do you feel or see anything in a new way?

Edward, she will return to you IF & ONLY IF she believes...that

marriage to you can be better/different than before.

It's your job to show her that it can be.

So what are you DOING that SHOWS change in you and how you two interact?

FWIW I still see hope. But you have to DO a course of action consistently for enough time

consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

After you have done SOMETHING NEW and different for long enough and seen NO change or a negative one, then change it up.

If you are not sure she sees it, don't stop or change yet. Give her enough time with any new behavior, to trust that it's real.
And not just a tactic to get her back b/c she will Fear that you will just revert back to the old Edward and same old behaviors...

Change to become the man YOU want to become
and
become a man only a fool would leave.

No matter what she does/says, you will be better off.

[edward113]

WOW! thank you I Will absorb this, before I fully respond.
Been thinking the last few days I really love this woman. Yes we both have flaws, and the balanced us out I always saw that as a good think.

[edward113]

Been think of the post and my reply, I have a question before I fully reply. Won't it be a 180 for me not to say anything about W take the money b/c she would expect me to say something.

[25yearsmlc]

she took money you told her she could take. She only took "her share" and said nothing...well,

So what? You pretty much gave her permission. It's not that I disagree with Bond, but I think you set her and you up for this.

So you think b/c the old you would have gone bonkers, maybe in a passive aggressive way or maybe in a big overt way (which is probably true AND is probably why she did not tell you)

that NOW saying nothing will prove;....what?

1) that you don't know yet

2) that you are scheming...

3) that you are too weak and fearful to do anything.

OR you could maturely and calmly COMMUNICATE with her about what you did with the money and why; ie you took your share and put it somewhere the court will be able to see...

which would prove


that you are capable of handling a tough situation without losing your temper or

behaving in a passive aggressive way. That you can firmly create a boundary and enforce it without anger.

It would also protect you from her taking more.

But then recently you said it wasn't much to begin with...which makes me go in circles bc now you are essentially admitting you DID overreact...

is that a pattern?