trying to get her back

[edward113]

My wife left me after 8 years, I had a nice evening planned and while she was getting really she came downstair and told me she did not want to go with me and that I should go with out her, this led to a talk about how we are different paths in life and she is not happy, I eventually responsed in anger You are never happy, then she left, and went to her mom apartment. She would not talk to me and only send my text messsage. After about two weeks she coame to a therapist with me and told me she did not want to be married, but she did not want a separation or a divorce. "What the?" it does not work that way. Our second session was awful, I felt like I was under attack, and reacted by telling her that she had a anxiety issue, after reading about how parent issues play a role in people life. her dad was abusive, and now he came backinto her life and I said she is taking the frustastion out on me. Well after that I did not contact her for two weeks, it was very hard, but I had support. Then when I call her she was surprised and asked me how I was doing and I asked her if she would come to a different therapis because I realized the lady we had seens was noit good. She came and after she hug the therapist, (which I wa told by a few people that I know who are therapist, that that is not a good sign for her). Anyway it was a good session I had crumble paper with all these thoughts and feeling wriiten out, ( You she I have been in theraoy of my own and It help pull alot out of me, she said she doesn't need therpay) I read them and she was surprised about how I felt. We went out to lunch and then had a date that weekend, I felt really connected to her,but she would not come home. she said she cannot go from 0 to 60. I told her about this book the sex stare marriage and I was reading it, and that we should read it together. ( Should I give her a copy?). After that date she said that there was still hope.
A week adn half later a second meeting, she did not talk to me for a week. I found out that i needed to go away. (you she I work away from home for 2 to 3 month at a time, she know this before we married) I was concern about leaving because things were starting to turn around, nut we discussed it any we need that money to pay the bills, her job could not support us. So I left and now that is were I am. I hae been email her and she has been responding but not lile we used it. So I have been sad. She told me that she did love me before I left but it seemed kinda half heart.
Guess I am just torn. I had flowers sent to work, because she was not feeling well and the respond," Hi,Wow! Thanks for the flowers. They are very pretty. Hope you are well."
WOW!(now every thing I read about "wow" has not good.)

[KarenR]

Hi, Sounds like a tough time. It is good you have tried therapy, but it is important that you have someone that is guiding you how to interact with her and do things that will bring her closer, not push her further away. A Telephone Divorce Busting coach does just that and will work only with you to help you turn things around. There is a $30 discount available today for your first sessions with a coach, please call me for more info. Take good care.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

I would not give her the book.

Have you read divorce remedy?
I would also suggest a book called the 5 love languages.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

Knowledge is Power.

[AnotherStander]

Hello, sorry you're here but we can help! Do pick up Divorce Remedy and start reading it right away. It's your reference guide to dealing with your situation. Read other threads here, you'll be surprised to find many situations very similar to yours. You're not alone!

After about two weeks she coame to a therapist with me and told me she did not want to be married, but she did not want a separation or a divorce. "What the?" it does not work that way.

First, you have to understand that she's going through a very emotional state right now. Don't apply logic and reason to the situation. She's going to say a lot of things that are contradictory and don't make sense. Your job is to NEVER argue, beg, plead, reason, etc. but to instead validate her emotions. Read DR for info on how to do that.

Our second session was awful, I felt like I was under attack, and reacted by telling her that she had a anxiety issue, after reading about how parent issues play a role in people life. her dad was abusive, and now he came backinto her life and I said she is taking the frustastion out on me.

Let me summarize what your W heard when you said this: "it's all your fault, there's something wrong with you that needs fixing, you're acting irrationally, there's nothing wrong with me, it's all you whether physical or mental or both." Very bad move. You drove her farther away. That's OK, nearly all of us start out on the wrong foot. This is why it's important for you to pick up DR and read it, you're going to discover you've probably been doing everything wrong up to this point.

Then when I call her she was surprised and asked me how I was doing and I asked her if she would come to a different therapis because I realized the lady we had seens was noit good.

I do not know of a single case where a WAS situation has been resolved through MC. More frequently it makes things worse. I would quit pushing her into it for now. Save it for the piecing phase.

We went out to lunch and then had a date that weekend, I felt really connected to her,but she would not come home. she said she cannot go from 0 to 60.

It took her a long time to get to this point even though it may seem like it was overnight to you. You've got to give her lots of time to reconnect. It'll likely take months. Have patience, don't push her. Let her develop the pace.

I told her about this book the sex stare marriage and I was reading it, and that we should read it together. ( Should I give her a copy?).

No. Quit applying pressure! Give her space!

I hae been email her and she has been responding but not lile we used it. So I have been sad.

Quit emailing her, let her email you and then you respond. You're still pressuring her.

Hi,Wow! Thanks for the flowers. They are very pretty. Hope you are well."
WOW!(now every thing I read about "wow" has not good.)

Not good? Sounds like a great response to me.

[AnotherStander]

I do not know of a single case where a WAS situation has been resolved through MC. More frequently it makes things worse. I would quit pushing her into it for now. Save it for the piecing phase.

I just wanted to clarify that I'm talking about conventional MC, not DB coaching which I consider to be completely different. Conventional MC never seems to work with a WAS situation, but of course DB coaching is very valuable because it's based on DB principals rather than the school-taught anti-marriage philosophy that's so prevalent in today's society, even in counseling circles.

[edward113]

She send me an email asking how I was? I told what I have been up to, told her that I finishing reading the book, (because I mention that I was reading it), and that i learned alot about myself, though one book does not mean I have then answers, it was it was a start.
I may have a chance to see her next we, how can I go about tell her without being to forward.
Me-36
W-38

[edward113]

this was a message I got last night. Like she has done a complete 180, and why doesn't she feel she need to see one, How come it is only me. Seems like I am the only one trying here to make myself a better person.
"Sorry, I keep missing you when you call it is not intentional. I'm ok, just exhausted. Really glad you will have promotion Congrats!Also, really glad you are able to tslk your therapist.
Have a great night".

[edward113]

It is killing me, the worms are eating my stomach apart. He can she be so senseless after 12 years. I know I need to look at the good things, she is talking to me, but it is mostly about the house and money and things like that, the exact things that she hated talk about and said was the all we talked about before she left. plus she still only calls when she is at work and has no time to talk, what am I to make of this, it gives her a reason to get off the phone. It is driving me crazy. help me........

[AnotherStander]

I may have a chance to see her next we, how can I go about tell her without being to forward.

What is it you want to tell her? If it's anything to do with the R, then don't! Do not initiate any R talks. From the DB tips:

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

Anytime you talk to her concentrate on being a good listener. Let her do 80% of the talking. Make eye contact, don't interrupt, just listen. Validate her emotions. Don't try to fix her problems.

this was a message I got last night. Like she has done a complete 180, and why doesn't she feel she need to see one, How come it is only me.

WAS's are almost never interested in counseling. Even if they do go, it is very rarely productive. They will latch onto what they want to hear and ignore anything helpful to the R.

Seems like I am the only one trying here to make myself a better person.

Read the "It Takes One to Tango" chapter in DR. You ARE the only one. You need to accept it- you're the only one working on the M for now.

"Sorry, I keep missing you when you call it is not intentional. I'm ok, just exhausted. Really glad you will have promotion Congrats!Also, really glad you are able to tslk your therapist.
Have a great night".

That's actually a great message. If I got something like that from my W I would be quite pleased!

[sandi2]

Edward, I think the most encouraging statement I could say to you is that your M can be saved. Don't give up. You have a lot to learn about what your W is going through. If you have not read the article here on the home page about the WAW Syndrome, please do.

She feels and thinks differently now. You will have to deal with her differently. First thing you have to realize is she is not the same person you M. She feels "done" with the M. She probably won't want to go to seek help from anyone. She won't have a desire to work on the MR.

Read Divorce Remedy ASAP.

Come here every day to read and to keep us updated. Don't vent to family & friends.....do that here. They won't be objective, but we will.