Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

It's been a little over a year since I've updated my thread. The last one can be found here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243015&page=1

To summarize as briefly as possible, my wife gave me the ILYBNILWY story about a year ago. It took some work, but I thought we got our marriage back on track. Fast forward about a year:

I felt like something was off the last couple weeks. Her communication seemed brief, and the use of pet names seemed to stop. However, I kind of brushed it off because she woke me up Saturday morning with a bunch of kisses. She snuggled up to me Sunday night as we watched TV. She responded positively when I cuddled her in bed. She mentioned that we need to spice up our sex life and initiated sex.

About two weeks ago my wife told me she feels trapped in all aspects of her life. She hates her job, she hates where we live, she hates the commute, and she's frustrated with life. I tried to encourage her to see a therapist and also asked what I could do to help her find a new job, etc.

Last night she told me that she's tired of our cycle. She threatens to leave, somehow we make up, and then things are good for a while. Then we repeat. We've been through this at least 5 times through our relationship (5 years dating, almost 3 years married). She doesn't want to do this anymore.

She again said that she's stuck. She doesn't have a plan, and she doesn't know what to do. She feels stuck in the house, her job, her marriage, etc. We have an 18month old son, so that makes this even more complicated. She said that she's made a big mistake and that this cycle should have been stopped a long time ago.

I didn't say much during the conversation. I listened. She probed me to say something, but I let her know that I was listening and thinking before I say anything. She eventually said that she needed to talk to someone or she was going to puke. She left and stayed at a friend's house. She was home in time to help get our son ready for daycare. She asked if I still wanted to drive her to work (we carpool). I said that was fine and remained outwardly positive despite how difficult it was.

I don't know if I have the strength to do this again. I'm also tired of the cycle. But I feel like I made a commitment to her and to our family. I don't know what to do. Try to DB again, or cut it loose. I'm terrified of the financial and personal implications of a divorce. I don't have a lot of close friends and have always been an introvert so making friends is hard. What to do....

[someguy1233]

Correction... the time since the last thread update was about 6 months.

[LaPoo]

Sry you're back again some guy and I'm probably the last person that shd offer advice but you did something right the last time that prompted reconciliation so I suggest a repeat. And, start immediately. Give her space and let her figure out the rest.

[AnotherStander]

Has your wife been evaluated for post-partum depression? It sounds a lot like what my wife went through after our 2nd child was born. She was diagnosed and put on A/D's and it make a world of difference in her attitude towards everything.

[someguy1233]

Sry you're back again some guy and I'm probably the last person that shd offer advice but you did something right the last time that prompted reconciliation so I suggest a repeat. And, start immediately. Give her space and let her figure out the rest.

Thanks, lapoo.

[someguy1233]

Has your wife been evaluated for post-partum depression? It sounds a lot like what my wife went through after our 2nd child was born. She was diagnosed and put on A/D's and it make a world of difference in her attitude towards everything.

Her previous (and only) therapist said she had OCD tendencies an focuses on the negatives constantly, to the point of them becoming debilitating. They said she may need medicine, but she's strongly against taking any and believes things can be fixed with the mind.

She also informed me that she has her period again. This is the third time in six weeks. I've been monitoring her cycle/moods for the last five months. It's clear that she's very irritable, short, and crabby when she has her period. I'm guessing this irregular cycle is really messing with her head as well.

[TD35]

I struggle with the same, Some. I am noticing some things in my wife that I think clearly need a medial look and she is adamant about not going to a doctor at this point which is irresponsible. As with the EA and the WAS/MLC issues I am trying to understand I know I cannot control this.

It doesn't change how I GAL and what I do to improve myself except to see what course I would head if I weren't trying to remain focused on my health, but I don need to see her deteriorate as well.

Even our MC has suggested she visit a doctor to have a few of the symptoms looked at -- which probably did more harm as she is still against anyone analyzing her at the moment.

What a tough road this is.

[roughenough]

Hey Someguy- I am sorry you find yourself here again. I understand, believe me , I do! If she has depression, that can ad lot of challenges to your relationship. Are you pursing? Are you trying to “fix” her problems? Do you think she’s having an affair? Do you remember how to detach and validate? Please give us more to go on. Hang in there and stay strong.

_________________________________
Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[someguy1233]

I struggle with the same, Some. I am noticing some things in my wife that I think clearly need a medial look and she is adamant about not going to a doctor at this point which is irresponsible. As with the EA and the WAS/MLC issues I am trying to understand I know I cannot control this.

It doesn't change how I GAL and what I do to improve myself except to see what course I would head if I weren't trying to remain focused on my health, but I don need to see her deteriorate as well.

Even our MC has suggested she visit a doctor to have a few of the symptoms looked at -- which probably did more harm as she is still against anyone analyzing her at the moment.

What a tough road this is.

Thanks, Williams. It sure is a tough road... it seems like a potential answer to THEIR happiness is right in front of us. It's not an answer to the marital problems, but at least the spouse may feel better day to day. It's very frustrating to see this but be unable to share or have it heard.

[someguy1233]

roughenough, I'll take your questions one at a time. Thanks for your post.

Are you pursing?

She dropped the bomb last night. I haven't reached out for her since. I've just given her space and responded only when she reaches for me.

Are you trying to “fix” her problems?

I was trying to help before she dropped the bomb. Now I'm giving her space.

Do you think she’s having an affair?

I honestly don't think she is. I've been watching for all the normal signs and don't see them.

Do you remember how to detach and validate?

I immediately started working on detaching. I started while she was still talking... I immediately remembered that I'M in control of my emotions, not her. I can choose to be happy, as hard as that may be.
Can you elaborate on "validate"? What is this process?