So I titled my new thread as such because that's the journey all LBS's are on, after the MLCer jumps on the Mother ship.
I wanted to start a discussion on how as individuals we learn about our own authenticity.
We start from ground zero, 666th level of hell, rock bottom, you name it, we're picking ourselves up and learning to march on despite the betrayel and hurt we've suffered from our marriages falling apart.
It dawned on me that I have not been living authentically most of my life. Meaning that Im always involved with someone, or something that goes against my very core values.
Im off in woo-woo land today, but bare with me.
Im actually seeing the Ying and Yang thing with this MLC/LBS situation. Detatchment and objectivity is SO AWESOME! When detatchment is really under way, it clears out alot of the negative for you to see your situation for what it really is.
What Im seeing is how XH's flipping out and sling shotting around the moon into MLCville has been and is being such a wonderful teacher and on going lesson for me. How? I see my XH having a severe identity crisis because he never knew how to live authentically. What he's doing is an insane attempt to try and gain that! I see the searching for authenticity and joy by frantically trying to manipulate his external environment to go by his bidding.
And yet don't we all do that? If we had a different car, job, spouse, house, more money, children, no children, hair style, etc, my husband came back, my wife came back, then we'd be happy?
My perception is that we're leading as examples to the MLCer/LBS. We see the MLCer and hands down we realize this is NOT WHAT TO DO as we question ourselves, our lives, and identity. If he MLCer eventually does start to wake up, then if we've learned to live authentically in the wake of the destruction they left behind for us, we can lead as an example to them.
So my question to all is, since your MLCers have left, how have you started to live your life authentically?
I agree totally with you about living authentically - by your own values, and not using/allowing externalities to distract you.
Life is both serious and joyful all at the same time. It is interesting - in trying to live my lilfe authentically I have made many 'mistakes' or things I would do differently, but that is all part of the learning.
I feel as if I am on a road I didn't choose to be on, but since I am on it, it is up to me to do the best job I can.
We can spend all our time looking back to what we had, or we can try and enjoy or at least experience fully, the journey. It isn't always fun, but we have to do the best we can for ourselves, and for others.
one thing I have learned is how important friendship is, and I hope I am learning to be a better friend. I have always had friends, and I feel as if they have saved my life.
When I started this journey, during the years of my husband's affair, successful reconciliation, and eventual demise of our marriage, I did a lot of self-examination and read a lot of self-help books. On a couple of occasions, I made lists (inspired by the books) of things I would like to do some day.
I'd spent so much of my marriage raising my kids, tending to my H's mood swings and needs, that like many wives, my own needs and desires took a back seat.
Now, almost 4 years since he split, I find I am living a much more authentic life:
I live in a much less pretentious neighborhood and I prefer it.
Although I have less money, I feel like I am on more stable financial ground because my expenses are aligned with my goals (unlike in my marriage, where my ex sometimes made impulsive decisions)
I play the drums in a rock band. (Oddly enough, I keep finding scraps of paper from years ago which list learning to sing and playing in a band as ambitions on those bucket lists - I honestly have no conscious recollection of writing those things at that time, but years later they came true!)
My circle of friends are much better suited to me than the friends I had in my marriage (mostly my ex's friends, since he really didn't care to spend time with the people I liked)
In new relationships, I am learning to be more honest with them, and about who I am and what I want. I am learning that if a man doesn't want me as I am, he's not who I want to be with. (My ex was never satisfied with me - it's refreshing to find out how many men think I am the BOMB just as I am ). I also no longer take it personally if it doesn't work out.
Well as for me, I think the only authentic thing I got going on is really seeing that Im really not living the life I want to right now.
So as always I look at where I am now, and where I want to be. Figuring out where I want to be really is trial and error. You may think you want certain things, but as you try them on for size maybe you don't.
I heard someone speak on an old Oprah Winfrey show that betrayal of one's self is not speaking up for one's self, or not being proactive in your own life to help you finding true contentness and joy. For example, not opening up to our spouses is a form of self betrayal. Putting up with bad behaviors from other's is a form of betrayal of yourself.
Have Mercy I've been betraying myself all my life!
So the start of my journey is really to start seeing where Im really not being true to myself, and work on changes with that.
Do you remember the movie 'The Holiday' where the old guy tells Kate Winslet that she should be the heroine of her own life? And I think he meant living authentically and recognising what you want.
Not at all the same as the MLCer grabbing what they want in an effort to be happy.
Nor is saying what we want an excuse to be rude to others. But being authentically yourself can be hard to do, while being a reasonable human being who also gets along with other people!
Perhaps part of living authentically is who we hang out with. This has changed quite a bit for me. I am much closer to some friends and others I hardly ever see or hear from.
MLCers cannot admit they have made mistakes. It is part of the script, so they twist facts and history and even their feelings to fit their script [they are often very inconsistent, but that is another matter!]
Being able to make mistakes and pick yourself up and learn from them is part, I believe of an authentic life. Pretending all is well when it obviously isn't, is totally pointless, and harms no one but that person. eventually. As Snodderly says, reality has a habit of catching up with people.
I totally agree that who we choose to hang out with is a big part of our authenticity.
A good example. I care about XH maternal side of the family, the ones I know the best, BUT I SURE DON'T LIKE THEM.
So I guess a good point in being divorced is I don't have to deal with them as near as much, though they still consider me part of the family.
I used to be a positive and optimistic person. Now I have to push myself to find that alot of the time and that never used to be me. I know I felt like crap when having to be around the negativity that stems from XH's family. I now understand that was me feeling awfully unbalanced because the "authentic me" thrives in being in a positive atmosphere, not a heavy and dark one. I wonder if part of me has changed because of being around it for so long.
Xh was a bright light full of love and positivity at one time.
In regards to reality catching up with you, it seems this has happened and I had to present that to XH today via text. We had a very heart to heart talk today, first one since I don't know when. We're having problems with D9. Basically in my observation I think D9 is overwhelmed with this past year.. like it all caught up with her. 4th grade is hard, and the back and forth of being at home with mom then Dad one day bothers her. She bottles things up inside and will not talk, but seriously acts out.
I told XH that in the best way I see so much of him in her every day. I asked him to think back at how he handled his emotions at that age, and what can we do to help her. Well he opened up and told me that he was bullied, beat up, and living with a control freak of a step dad at that age and it really stressed him out, and he would get sick. I apologized to him that he had to go through that and I had forgotten he told me about that a long time ago. He did drop the conversation when I told him that D9 doesn't like the back and forth between home. Im really hoping that he didn't take that as a guilt trip because it wasn't meant as one towards him at all. It is what it is, our baby has verbalized it, and I think it's our duty as parents to work towards our daughter feeling better.
But more than likely what it was, is me hitting a tender spot that he mentally acknowledges but literally has no idea what to say or do about. It's not all his responsibility, yes he was the one that put our reality today into fruition. But it is what it is now, and like Bea said learning authenticity is learning from our mistakes.
I feel like I have not lived authentically very much. I was thinking about that earlier, how my life has always been doing stuff for other people. And how I feel lost if I'm not doing stuff for other people.
Yes, this will require more thought!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Very interesting question and one that I am honored to respond to.
Quote:
how have you started to live your life authentically?
To summarize…..
I live my life for me and only me…(it may sound a bit selfish but it is not). Let me give a couple of examples….
Ever do something for someone that you didn’t want to do? Then when you do it you end up feeling pissed? Well I don’t do that anymore. That is not to say that I am rude or inconsiderate – rather to say I am living my life the way I want to and on my terms.
I have removed every mask, every preconceived notion of the ways things are supposed to be, and just things as they are. I really do focus on “doing me”. I worry so much less about what others think or say about me. I focus on me and MY happiness.
Detachment has become my friend. I have deeper relationships now and although some of them may not be what “society” deems normal – they are the friendships that I want.
I live a peaceful life and try not to over think things that I cannot control. I have learned and embrace that life changes, people change…that things work the way that God wanted them to work. I no longer feel the need to “understand” why.
I have learned true forgiveness. Have finally found myself and I am living life on my terms.
I am still a work in progress but I have accepted that to some extent I always will be.
I am much better partner and currently in a relationship with a very nice young lady…..so life is good. That said, I do understand that people/life changes and that everything we think is “ours” is really God’s. So I trust that at the end of the day, God knows what he is doing.
OH…and I finally realized and ACCEPTED that I cannot control everything or everyone and that true love is really the ability to let go…….let go in love.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
). I also no longer take it personally if it doesn't work out.