My last thread, which describes one of the toughest weeks of my life, a setting of boundaries, and a whole SLEW of indecision on my next steps... Is now being abandoned... Plus, it took a confusing turn over the last 24 hours... So I wanted to start fresh again.
I've got a very busy morning at work, so I won't be able to write much here right now.
However, I do want to say this:
I'm extraordinarily confused, kinda depressed, and feel a whole lot more "lost" than I have in quite some time.
A big part of me wants to put together an email to W, detailing and solidifying the conversation we had next weekend. Clearly laying out my position, my desires, and my fight.
I'm getting advice on both sides of the argument... Some saying that I need to listen to W's words about how upset she's been that I haven't been, nor has she ever felt I did sufficiently, fighting for US.
And some saying that now that I've said my piece about not being able to continue a R with her so long as there's an OM in the picture, darkness is the only option.
I'm firmly on the fence right now, and will continue looking for guidance from within, from these boards, and from my IC this week.
I'll try to update more as soon as I have the opportunity.
A HUGE continued thank you for EVERYONE who is following along with my sitch and chiming in. I truly appreciate each post I receive.
She heard you when you told her. An email going over your position would be insulting, IMO. She's not ignorant, right? I think you're really pursuing and looking for a different way to label it.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Do not lose that resolve. This email comes across as weak, it will set you back. Sit back now and work on yourself.
I agree. ^^
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
But do I ever know how you feel. It' s like the adrenaline that kept you going for the last week and throughout the convo has now returned to normal and now you're aching. You need another fix. Going dark after all of the action feels like you're not doing anything. That is good. Sometimes, doing nothing is doing the only thing you can do. It's hard a he11 but isn't everything around here hard as he1l?
Take care mate. GAL more than you ever have and just get all of this out of your mind for a few days.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I think the letdown after getting through something like you did the other day is normal. I have felt it too after every big encounter or holiday... but for me, it dissipates with time.. take extra good care of yourself this week. ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I KNOW that an email would be pursuing... And I KNOW I need to exercise more patience than I can ever seem to muster...
I just keep hearing echoes of her words toward me about not fighting, about how she wanted me to chase her up there and camp out on her front porch until I got her back...
And then I hear her telling me that she wishes she could read the blog posts that I've written in her anniversary blog...
Side note on that: For those of you that don't remember, I created a blog for her for our 1 year anniversary which detailed all the things that I love about my W... everything from aspects of her personality and story-telling to little adventures we went on...
She asked me to never stop posting there... and I haven't... But I've simply been posting there and leaving them as drafts... unpublished...
She told me how badly she wanted to read those... and I told her that I hope some day she can...
I know she knows that I'm posting in a forum about my situation, and suddenly I'm worried that she might stumble across this forum and read these posts...
But I guess there's nothing I can do to change that...
She admitted to me that she'd read my journal while we were still living together (as a matter of fact, she displayed an uncanny amount of honesty during this conversation, about that, about OM, about her feelings toward my family and how she can never see us getting back together due to the schism between her and my family... about how she feels numb toward me and us...) And maybe she'll run into these posts one day...
Aak... I need to stop writing in here right now... as I'm starting to tear up at work!
