I would like help with sending and receiving mixed signals.
H and I have been on this trip for long time now. We get on for awhile and then splinter apart. Each time it feels like it's over. This time it feels a lot calmer for me (perhaps I'm used to it, bored of it, done with it?). I don't want to receive or give mixed signals. I want to be clear on what I want in my head. I guess this is about boundaries (something I am rubbish at as they seem like ultimatums) Although H is using his petname for me and ending texts with "x", I am trying not to read anything into it but am copying this method of reference to H. I don't want to make things up in my head about what that means. I guess what I am wanting is to be clear with H and my Self on what I want/am prepared to give. Usually we just drift like this and then start going on dates, boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with no discussion as to what we are doing. But that starts the ride for me; I assume things and then get hurt.
Latest Coms H and I have been texting for a week now. He broke NC last Tuesday with good morning. He texts most mornings, I text most bedtime ones. This is usual pattern after a stint of NC. I have also asked admin qs by text, he ansas them. I have over-functioned once (Saturday) and suggested seeing each other. At the moment we might be seeing each other tom night for dinner depending on his work commitments. I see this as a catch up only - I miss his company - no R talk. Not spent quality time with H for a couple of months due to his somewhat hurtful actions.
Current headstate I seem to be in a take it or leave it frame of mind I am very focused on my life and enjoying my Self I am interested in looking at reconciliation as believe that we had it once, we can have it again but am not interested if H is not minded to commit/step up.
What I want To take things slow and see where it goes. To not carry on in this limbo state; if H isn't interested and committed then I can not do this limbo roller coaster thing. I'd rather end everything. In Aug he stated he wanted to reconcile (first time I had heard that from him in 2 years, it had been me driving it before) but then appeared to back off/change his mind.
Relationship Goal I want H to tell me what he wants so that I can get on with things and not be in limbo Happy to stand at the crossroads for now but not for much longer.
I recognise there is power in hearing an Other's side first. In the past I have driven things because I wanted my needs met first (selfish) but I see now that relationships balance when we can find ways to meet both his and my needs. There's no rule that says you can't consider an Other's opinions and feelings first. In fact when you get to listen first, you always have the advantage.
Feel free to ask difficult questions/give me some 2x4s I need them to help me work out what I am doing/will do
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Tumbling, I read all your latest posts last night but I hadn't had a chance to reply. I only have a few minutes to write bc I have a class to go to, but first, I'm so sorry you've gone through such difficult times. Your story about Oct '11 sounds so stressful.
I think you have a good mindset and are making the right decisions. However, remember that patience is paramount. Live your life and don't try to force committment or an answer from your H.
My H did something similar to yours back in September '11. He said he wanted to commit to our M (that was right after I'd received emails from the OW saying he had stayed in touch with her and I had called a L to file for D.) I couldn't trust him, so it took me six weeks to decide and he had changed his mind by then, but I do recognize that was the only time in the past 2 years when he openly said he wanted our M and he would do whatever it took, and make whatever changes he needed to make. He was kind of quick to change his mind, though. WAS's behave in very similar ways. Don't overanalyze his behavior. Just go with what's happening NOW. If you get to go to dinner, be the best you can be. No R talk, as you said. Hang in there, and let us know how things go. Gotta run.
1. Your latest synopsis makes you sound more detached than I had gathered from your previous posts. I'm not sure whether you waver or whether your more 'take it or leave it attitude' is recent.
2. There seems to be an underlying assumption that your H knows what he wants and that the problem is him telling you or acting on it. I understand that you don't want to stay in limbo but it sounds as if he may be genuinely ambivalent and changes his mind day to day (hence all the mixed signals). What if your tolerating more limbo and mixed signals were what it would take to give him a chance to become clearer? Would you still rather end it? You probably can't control being sent mixed signals by him. You can only control your own sending of mixed signals--and even that isn't a given.
3. I like your title "Staying off the ride". I'd like to know more about how you're doing it and how you assess whether or not you're staying off the ride. I take it that "staying off the ride" means that you're not experiencing the ups and downs of a rollercoaster ride. Then again, isn't this exactly what many of us are on at this point? (Maybe I'm just talking for myself!)
4. I can really appreciate your desire for clarity in your sitch but you can't speed that up. What about giving yourself a date in the future when you assess whether or not things are any clearer? You say that you don't want to stay like this for 'much longer'. Do you have an idea of what that means?
5. It seems that the ball is in his court as to whether or not you see him tom night. Even that puts you in limbo. Good luck if you do see him and if you don't!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
What would be different in your life today if H was completely out of the picture?
Hi Tumbling, i think what labug said here is really significant. I have thought about this often. What would i do differently? And to be honest, right NOW, not much. I don't even know if i would be looking for somebody else to enter my life right now. Because when i do think about that...it gives me stomach knots...a clear sign i believe that i am not ready for that. So i enjoy what I have right now which is what we all more or less have. Ourselves, our families our friends and our work.
It would be an ADDITION to our inner happiness if the sitch worked in favor of R (if thats what we want), but it should not diminish our inner happiness if its not there.
At least thats how I try and look at things right NOW.
hope you are well Tumbling. i hadn't realized before how similar our sitchs are in terms of timeline, ages and length of M (except i have the added benefit of the OW!).
(((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hey Busting, Just read this and I think we're in a similar phase with our ind lives and situations in itself.
I don't know exactly what to say, as I'm a little confused b/c of my latest update. I guess we can't take too many recent positives to be too much hope. Tread lightly.
i think it sounds better in writing ! :-) this is my basic reality but of course the waves come and go. it just gets easier with time to deal and detach.
(((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi Wendylon thanks for taking the time to post your views/questions
1. Your latest synopsis makes you sound more detached than I had gathered from your previous posts. I'm not sure whether you waver or whether your more 'take it or leave it attitude' is recent.
I guess I have been less attached to the "he must come home, I need him" outcome that I had been pursuing since his nonsense in July. Not turning up for our anniversary w/e crucified me and I started thinking - do I actually want this man/ I am worth more than this.
When he turned up in August with flowers and said he realised he'd made a mistake etc. I was cautious but curious and then got hooked in again with the regular texts whilst he was away. The sudden silence on his return early September blew me away. I had no choice but to go NC my Self and get my head straight.
Joining the board has helped me focus on what I want from my life. I'd love for us to be resolved but I am Amazing (along with the rest of the A-Z of me that I devised the other week) whether H is in my life or not and I intend to remain so.
2. There seems to be an underlying assumption that your H knows what he wants and that the problem is him telling you or acting on it.
Well he seemed pretty clear on what he wanted in August. But I agree that's an assumption.
he may be genuinely ambivalent and changes his mind day to day (hence all the mixed signals). What if your tolerating more limbo and mixed signals were what it would take to give him a chance to become clearer?
I have spent two years of my life (I worked out that's 5% of my life) in limbo waiting for him to make a decision. Listening to him say he doesn't know what he wants/how he feels and then hanging out for a couple of months and then I blow it with my insecurities. The difference is I can accept him for who he is and what he needs to do, I just find he is less accepting of who I am and my irregular insecure behaviours.
Would you still rather end it?
We either agree to work on us or we don't. The limbo of not knowing what we are actually attempting is what I can't stand.
I'd rather call it a day than do this try/fail thing any more.
If we could talk about what/which of my behaviours cause his caving and how he could help me when I am in a tangle then we might get somewhere..
You probably can't control being sent mixed signals by him. You can only control your own sending of mixed signals--and even that isn't a given.
Don't even know what I am signalling!
3. I like your title "Staying off the ride". I'd like to know more about how you're doing it and how you assess whether or not you're staying off the ride.
These past two years since he moved out I have been leaving gaps in my w/e in case he wants to see me. These days I am making plans for me. If he was a new man in my life then I wouldnt be leaving these gaps. I seem to be staying off the ride by focusing on what Tumbling wants to do w her days.
And we haven't spent any time together since late June. That's 3 months of being with me, my Self and I which kind of helps.
I also am not expecting any thing. I didn't think he would be able to come out tonight after he mentioned that he is going a way a day early so altho I am a bit disappointed. I feel like I would if a friend had to canx cos of work. I know there is always tomorrow if we both want it, so to speak.
The other main change is I am not driving this train. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me because they choose to not because I chase them, drive them, manage them.
I want H to choose to me. The only way to do that is to let him.
Another thing. When I saw my IC last month, I said I dont know why I can't let him go. She said she wanted me to think about what that little piece inside me was that couldn't let our M go. She said to just let that q stay with me, think about it on holiday and see what turned up. She also said to find out what age it was.
And when I came back from holiday a friend picked me up and I realised I have this inner strapline/jingle that says "I'm not wanted" and another part of me was believing that I am wholly responsible for this situation. I've realised that I am only 100% responsible for my part.
4. I can really appreciate your desire for clarity in your sitch but you can't speed that up. What about giving yourself a date in the future when you assess whether or not things are any clearer?
Having a date in my head messed me up in June. Mar-Jun I was living in the now. H & I were hanging out and didnt even mention living together we just were being us and enjoying each others' company. At the time I was working through a bunch of principles I had devised for my self e.g. I own my thoughts, I watch the Thinker, I catch my Self (not reacting) etc (I blog about a diff one each wk to keep me on track). By June I would be on the ones that needed to be practiced in relationships. A friend said maybe that's when you talk to H about coming home.
At the same time another friend who I hadnt seen for awhile asked whats the story with you and H now, its been a long time. And that got me all confused that maybe he should be home etc and then things all kind of fell away for me and I started my demanding behaviours again.
So right now - no timeline - too much pressure to sort something out. I'd try and project manage it!
You say that you don't want to stay like this for 'much longer'. Do you have an idea of what that means?
It means I'm scared that I will live like this for ever and nothing will change. That's why I want this time to be different. The result will be fix or split.
5. It seems that the ball is in his court as to whether or not you see him tom night. Even that puts you in limbo. Good luck if you do see him and if you don't!
Yes - but I wasnt fussed either way. I txt at lunch and asked if he had a view about tonight yet or is it too early? Absolutely no problem if it wont work for you. He replied - I'd really like to Tumbling but I really can't. I'm so snowed under - I have so much to do. I'm so sorry. I ansa'd - Don't worry H! I totally understand. The restaurant will be there when you return...
Now I get to go to bed early with my new book. I always have a just in case these days too!
I am no longer on operation "Get him home". I am on mission "Amazing Me"
Sorry this is so long Writing is so therapeutic Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Hi LaBug and Bustingout What would be different if H was out of the picture? Not that much activity wise BUT I wouldn't have this "what's doing with my M?" on my mind.
Labug you're absolutely right to no longer wait for H to make up his mind. I CAN make up MY mind. I can make my OWN decision about this situation.
So I am on my AMAZING path and at some point I will make a decision of whether t keep standing or not.
Right now I am still standing but I live, don't wait. All good things to my virtual friends Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
