We have been married for 4 years, but together for 14 prior to that. About 18 months ago she had an emotional affair with a friend that we've known. The friend is now in another relationship, but my wife feels that she's "in love" with this person. She's now decided that she wants a separtion (not a legal one) and probably a divorce in the future. I'm in agony. She has rented a new apartment and will be taking two of our dogs with her. She also has a new "friend" who appears to be "on the hunt" for special time with my wife. It's very messed up. She feels she must tell all of her friends our issues and these people seem to thrive on the issues we're having. I know she's in a MLC, but how do I approach her to see that we can work this out if she'd just stop and think about what she's doing. I also beleive her therapist is not really helping the situation. My wife has a tendenciy to listen to everyones opinions and not make logiical decisions.
I've asked her to attend one of Michele's workshops, but she has yet to respond to that request. She's thinking about it, but I doubt that she'll come around. Any suggestions? Thanks.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sorry you are here Sam. I'm new to DB, and new to this MLC experience as well.
From what I gather, MLCers do not and cannot "stop and think". Knowing that my H CANNOT right now has helped me to not expect him to, the "no expectations" part of DB mantra. Doesn't take away my pain of course, but at least it has stopped me from banging my head against the wall.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
sam, I'm sorry you are here, but we have a great group of people who are at various places on the crisis path due to their spouses and partners.
The best thing you can do is just leave her alone. Focus on you for the time being. The more you try to get her to see reason, the more determined she's going to be to stay out there in the land of Oz. If she is in mlc, you will not be able to have rational conversations w/her.
At this time, I wouldn't say another work about Michele's workshops because she's not at the stage where she would actually listen and get something out of it.
I know this is very tough on you, but you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. The only person that you can work on is yourself. Give her time and space.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I'm in the process of beginning my homework. Thank you. Have a few new developments. Wife will be officially moving out on Friday to her new apartmnet. Her family are supporting her have volunteered to move some of our stuff to her new place. So we had dinner last night and it went okay, but I felt very strained. She kept asking if I was okay and if I was sure I was okay. I kept saying I was good! Today she started the day off with several texts that included that she wants to re-evaluate our situation in nine months, since she'll need to let her new landlord know if she wants to extend after the initial year. She's also created a contract that discusses finances and who can do what when. I'm still reviewing that document. Today’s texts include (since she does not want to talk about this face to face) is that, "I want you to know that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and although I still feel that I am doing the right thing (by moving out) it is not without heartache that I take these steps.... My response: I am sorry you are struggling so bad and I'm sure you will be the person you are meant to be Her response: I am not struggling so bad-I just want you to know that I value what we had/have and I am not wanting to throw away anything I just want to move forward in a way that I feel I have to while being as caring and loving as I can... My response: Thank you. So what do I do with all of this? Is she having a MLC or has she just gone down a path of I’ve fallen out of love with you. I am soooo confused and frustrated at this time.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sounds like MLC to me. She is in the early stages and things will get much worse before it gets better. Continue to protect yourself and let her go on her own path. It is best if she controls the contact and you validate the way you have been doing. Other than that DETACH.
1) How old are you and how hold is W? 2) Do you guys have any children?
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So we had dinner last night and it went okay, but I felt very strained
This ^^^ is not detachment.
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Today she started the day off with several texts that included that she wants to re-evaluate our situation in nine months, since she'll need to let her new landlord know if she wants to extend after the initial year.
So let me get this straight...she's moving out, has some new "friend" that she wants to spend time with and she wants to give this 9 months? That is HER plan - what is YOURS?
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Today’s texts include (since she does not want to talk about this face to face) is that, "I want you to know that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and although I still feel that I am doing the right thing (by moving out) it is not without heartache that I take these steps.... My response: I am sorry you are struggling so bad and I'm sure you will be the person you are meant to be Her response: I am not struggling so bad-I just want you to know that I value what we had/have and I am not wanting to throw away anything I just want to move forward in a way that I feel I have to while being as caring and loving as I can... My response: Thank you. So what do I do with all of this?
She is going to want to be NICE ...at least NOW, that is as long as YOU agree with everything SHE does/wants. Here is where it gets tricky.... At the end of the day you need to be willing to let her go and only take responsibility for your life, which may mean that sometime you will say NO to her and her ideas.
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She's also created a contract that discusses finances and who can do what when.
Be VERY careful here buddy. She is going to be extra nice to get what SHE wants. Whatever you agreed to you need to be comfortable with. Do not agree on the basis, that she will see you as being nice and may return. Don't fall into that trap. Agree to somethign that YOU can live with REGARDLESS if she comes back or not.
I'm sorry you are here man.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Hi Sam, My deepest apologies for the situation you're in. I've just been through the exact same thing this past 16 months.
I wanted to back what Eric said. Be very careful here. This is what my XH did to me...tried to be too nice in hopes to get what he wanted. I thought his being nice was a sign that he still cared, and I allowed him to cake eat a while too. Eric was right, as long as she gets what she wants she will play nice.
My advice I would've given myself 16 months ago when i was in your shoes : Make your choices very wisely, and make them according to how it will effect your life as a single person down the road.
So last night was not one of my better nights. I found out that my mom who is terminally ill has taken a turn for the worse. My W call and I was explaining that my mom was not doing well and her primary concern was (or at least it seemed to me) to get the contract signed to make her feel better.
She kept saying that she was there to support me, but it really felt like she wanted to get me to just sign and tell her what changes I was wanting to incorporate into the contract. I kept asking why she just didn't want to get a legal separation, and alls she would say is that this would be better for us both. I'm not really buying into that statement. She was upset and I'm sure this set us back in her working through her MLC.
I don't understand and I probably will never..She says she loves me and she wants to be there to support me, but she can only work on herself and wants to be on her own to find herself.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
