Okay, so no life is perfect, but here I go....I have been reading on these boards for 2 months now...listening to other peoples stories and they advice they are getting. I have put a lot of that advice into my own situation but I am getting desperate now. I am lost, and tired and feel like giving up. Here goes my story...
6 months ago, I found out my H of 15y was involved with OW. She is 13 years older than he and claims that she was able to say things to him that I never had said. We were living a nice life, we have 2 Ds one 14 the other 11. We never fought, had a nice love life and really had the "perfect life" if there is one! I am a SAH mom and have been for 14 years....he has always worked and I did the house stuff. We were fine. Well...in Jan my dad had an injury and moved in for a few months in which I was taking care of him on top of my family. My H started going to bars after work to cope with the stress at home with dad here and he met her. I found out in April (they met in March) and he swore he would end it. I believed him. My dad then went to live with my bro, so that was done and H and I were trying to R. We went into MC and the C said he thought our problems were individual so we started IC and stopped MC for the time. I found out that the A didn't end and he was still texting her, so H moved in with parents about 30 mins from our home. H stayed there a week and begged to come back and was willing to adhere to all my conditions. I believed him again and for about 8 weeks all was going okay. We were doing a lot of talking and hanging out together and he was totally transparent, or so I thought. Moving forward to June, we went on a family vaca to Maine and things were nice...but when we got home I found out in on July 5th I was PREGNANT!!! We were in complete an total shock. We both are 35 and our kids are older now...and I was told I couldn't have any more kids due to a female condition. My first question was why now? During the hardest time for us, and why not any other time in the past 11 years since my D was born? Anyway, we got over the inital shock, although he questioned we should keep it. (one of the 2nd things he did to make me thing something was really wrong with him..the first was the A) I told him there wasn't a choice. Period. So moving forward another month and I mentioned that I was still having thoughts of the A and I was going to get the text records from our cell phones to just see any messages being sent. He immediately said that I wasn't going to like what I was going to see and I knew H and OW were still in contact. I as furious. THis time I told him to leave. He begged and pleaded and asked what he could do to make it better and I said nothing at this point. I had told him my conditions and he broke one. So he moved out again. This time was for about 3 weeks and he once again said he was done with bars and OW and needed to be home. So, being pregnant and being dumb, I let him back one more time. This time though, I was so angry and he really was also. He started going to bars again and not coming home until late at night. My kids were out of school for summer vaca so they knew when he was out. They also found out about the A. There are so many details Im leaving out because I just want to get the basis of the story out so I can start getting advice. Anyway, we werent getting along at all and I didnt trust anything he was doing ever. Finally, he just admitted that he loved OW and didnt think that he could get her out of his head and that wasnt fair to me. He said he was moving out for good this time and he officially has been gone since Aug 8th. I have talked to OW 2 times and the last time she advised me she loves him too. I just crumbled, but tried to stay strong. I went to a lawyer `1 week after he left because I had to protect myself and my kids, especially since I have no income. I should have mentioned that during this, he opened his own bank account and started all his direct deposits into his new account leaving me NO MONEY at all. I had him served with a bill of complaint, even though I did not want a divorce, but had to protect myself and be able to stay in my home with my kids and I'm pregnant. He freaked out and begged to talk to me but I did not budge. He eventually within the week realized that this was what I had to do and he also hired a lawyer, and they responded to my complaint by denying everything I had filed. (typical..) So, since this, he has gone back and forth with the I love yous and the I hate yous and I want to come back and I never want to see you again. He is very confused and that has confused me and not let me be able to process that he really wants out. Jump to this past few weeks, he has called me crying over our wedding pics, he has said he loves me and cares about me and cannot live his life without me and he even asked last week if he could come home. I advised him that we could start MC again but that he could not come home until that happened, as I dont trust that the same thing wont happen and that the kids are continuing to get hurt more and more also. He agreed to this but confided in me that although he isn't seeing OW anymore (not sure if I believe him) but that he has met another woman, this one is 20 older than he, and that she is going to be his life coach. He says that he met her in a bar awhile back and she gave him her number if he needed help and he decided to call her. I, of course, was upset. Another Emotional relationship to deal with even though he swears its professional. I dont think that talking with a life coach you met in a bar on her personal phone is professional, so I made 2 conditions for him to start MC. One was no drinking and the 2 was no woman at all that he had met in bars or other places. He could not handle the number 2 and claims she is helping him more than his IC is. Says she makes so much sense etc...and that she was willing to talk to me too. I just stood my ground and said those were my conditions. He then said well, Im not doing it and that was your only chance. (MY ONLY CHANCE...when he cheated and deserted my family)! So this week has been horrible for me. I am wondering if I did the right thing and if I should have given him the chance, although Im beginning to think he only wanted back for the kids and baby coming. He came last Saturday, got all his winter clothes and stuff and left and then called me when he got home sobbing that he cannot live without me in his life, but doesnt want to be married to me. I just said that we cannot be friends through this because its just to hard and emotional for me. Im also pregnant and need to be healthy for myself. I asked for him to not contact me anymore. So today, he emailed me after no contact for 6 days (the longest ever with no contact in our 17 years together) and he said he would be bringing a check by for me (he does give me a little money every 2 weeks) and that he would leave it in the mailbox. I responded that was fine and I hoped he was well. He responded very coldly, verify when you get it. I have been so upset tonight because of his coldness and I actually beleive that I'm going through withdrawals from no contact. I know this is best, but its so hard. I just don't know if he is going through MLC or mental illness or what. Just to add some background....he has been depressed for his whole life, due to physical, mental and verbal abuse from his parents, who is now living with. He has been on meds for depression but they were changed just before his A. He also was father of the year as well as H of the year, involved in EVERYTHING with our kids. He now only texts them at night to say ILU. Its so strange the man he has changed into...like a man I have no idea who he is. In the meantime, I am left to pick up the pieces of everything he has done to the girls and I and also be pregnant. He never missed an prenatal appointment with our kids and now he doesn't even ask how I'm feeling. I'm so confused and most of me things we are done, but I cannot help but to feel that he may realize what he is losing, although I think by now (8 weeks gone) he would know. I feel like he is really sick, but there is nothing I can do to help. I have done all the begging and pleading and from reading the boards know it was all wrong. But now, going dark seems to make him go cold and mean. Our court date is set for Nov 5 and that will determine the final stuff for the year of separation that we are going through. I just want to know what my future will hold and if I can stay in my house or have to move and what I should do. This is the VERY SHORT of my story, I have left out tons of stuff that has been done and said on his part to myself and our girls. Its heartbreaking. I need advice now...just dont know what to do from here? I want to keep my marriage, but wonder if he is too far gone now or just really sick and needs mental help. He is blaming me for it all...for his kids not wanting to talk to him, for all his friends not talking to him, for the affair, saying he has been unhappy for so long etc....he cannot look at his actions and see that the kids and his friends see his actions and that is why they are upset with him...anyone else dealing with divorce or separation along with depression or mental illness? I'm beginning to wonder if he is bipolar??
Any advice is welcome and I can fill in more the story as it goes on...it seems like it has gotten worse...not better...
Sweetbriar
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
Yes, I have read DR and DB books. I'm trying hard to detach...its soo much easier said than done! Especially with him texting our daughters almost everyday. All this behavior is NOT him and I really thought he would have come to his senses by now. I think what has prevented me from detaching was him going back and forth with his emotions and one week wanting to be home and one week saying we are just oil and vinegar and cannot get along. He was very upset that I was not welcoming him with open arms 2 weeks ago when he asked to come back...but I cant do that without the assurance and trust that he hasn't given me. Now, I feel like its my fault and I ruined the only chance I had for him to be back here with my girls and I and to be here through the rest of the pregnancy. I have had no contact with him for over a week now and that has been the hardest part...
I know that detaching is the best thing for myself and H as well but I cannot help but to think that he is detaching more as well. He is now telling my kids he is going to get his own place (he is currently at his parents and he hates it there) and that we will have 2 happy homes. Its like he is living in a fantasy world...none of us are happy right now...including him. He claims this is the hardest thing he has ever had to do....well then...why are you doing it?
Is it normal for a H who wants to divorce to tell me that he loves me and cares about me and cant imagine his life without me in it, but yet doesnt want to remain married?
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
So, I feel like my life continues to get harder...NC for 11 days except for a text asking if he can get the kids for dinner. H did come here last week when I was gone and told my kids some strange things like: his lawyer told him to not contact them (lies) and that he is getting his own place soon right near our house and that they will have 2 happy homes. Is he living in a fantasy world? He cannot afford our bills let alone new ones...I'm beginning to fear that he really is going to go thru with the forclosure on our house...ugggg...that is why I was so quick to get a lawyer, because I need stability for the next year of our separation...
I went to IC today and tried to set some goals for myself to help detach. Its so darn hard...I even find myself a tad jealous that my girls get to spend time with him tonight at dinner. I want them to see him, but miss him so much that I wish we could be a family at dinner. I still am having a hard time that he was just begging to come back 2 weeks ago and now because I put conditions on him to come back he gave up. I guess that means he wasn't really ready, right? I figure that if he was ready to have us back, he would jump through the hoops and hurdles he is claiming I am giving him...
I know that being pregnant is making this that much harder on me. He doesn't even ask how I'm feeling or how my doc appts are going??? So different from the man I knew. I cry all the time, which is not like me at all, so I'm thinking that my hormones are not helping with my emotions!! I just want my old life back and I need help to realize that its not happening and that I need to move on. I have tons of friends and I am busy a lot between my kids, my friends and my big supportive family, but yet, it's not my H, the one who I could always count on for everything...he has gone crazy??
I continue to read posts here and get advice...but its so hard to see that there will be a light at the end one day....any advice is welcome...I'm thinking he is in a MLC...
Im trying to follow the "post in small frequent posts" advice! Last night, when H dropped the kids off from dinner, I was at a neighbors, so I missed the drop off. Apparently, H came in and went upstairs do older D's room to see all the new pictures she has hung on her walls. (This is a new things he has started since he left...putting up all kinds of pictures of us and the family and her and her friends along with quotes about memories) so he wanted to see it. While up there he gave her a hug and said that he loved her and they both started crying. He then told her that this "was best for all of us". She has also written him an angry letter in school for an assignment called "letter written but not sent" and she wrote many things in the letter that were straight from her heart. The letter was not nice and really portryed her emotions at this time. So, before he left she Gave him the letter! This surprised me that she did this.
When he got home, he texted her after reading the letter and said that he wished she wasnt in so much pain and that he wished he could take all her pain away...he also said that he hoped that some of the letter was a hyperbole and she responded by telling him that it was true. He said that that in time, the pain will dissiapate.
I was sad over this, seeing that even his daughter reaching out and trying to get him think straight left him only validating to her and himself this is the right thing for our family. Is this just his way of validating what he is doing and had done? Im so sad all the time...
Also, just a side note, when he arrived to pick them up, I was home and he came in and asked if he had any mail and saw the dogs. He NEVER made eye contact with me. He said "hey" and got the mail for him but never even looked at me. I mean, I am still his wife and I am carrying his baby...maybe just a "how are you feeling?" would have been nice...I guess that just expecting too much...
I wanted so badly to text him this morning and ask if he really thought this was best for all of us...but we are in NC mode and honestly, I think his answer would have ruined my day.
Sweetbriar
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
I continue to read posts here and get advice...but its so hard to see that there will be a light at the end one day....any advice is welcome...I'm thinking he is in a MLC...
MLC is not something that ends quickly. The average MLC is 3-7 years. Have you read anything on the MLC forum?
I'm not sure if you've read DR, but if not then please do. The first thing you have to accept is this is not all your H's fault. I hear you blaming him over and over again and talking about him being mentally ill even. You have to accept that A)there may be nothing wrong with him except unhappiness and B)you played a role in his unhappiness. You need to sit down and write a list of your personal wrongs in the M and do 180's on those right away. It is VERY important to not continue "more of the same" behavior!! This is keeping you in limbo and preventing recovery. He doesn't want to come back to the old W and old M, but he may be drawn back to a newer/ better you.
There are reasons he sought out EA's. What are they? What is your part in it? How are you different from the you he originally fell in love with? What can you do to become that woman again? Become that woman. Make yourself a more appealing alternative to the OWs. Don't talk to the OWs, don't talk to your H about them, don't concern yourself with them. Work on YOU. Negate his needs for them.
He is in a very emotional state right now and you shouldn't expect to be able to reason with him (it sounds like you think you can). Don't argue with him, just validate his emotions and feelings. See DR for tips on this.
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I asked for him to not contact me anymore.
He responded very coldly, verify when you get it.
I have been so upset tonight because of his coldness and I actually beleive that I'm going through withdrawals from no contact.
Why? He's just fulfilling your wishes. You told him not to contact you anymore! What I'm reading over and over again is you order him to do something, then when he does it you get upset. Just to clarify, men can't read minds. If you say something but want something else, don't expect it. You need to make your expectations very clear. If what you want is 5 days of no contact so you can think about things and then you want to talk again, then tell him that. Don't tell him "don't ever contact me again" and then sit around moping and wondering why he doesn't call!
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I know this is best, but its so hard.
Is it best? Is the situation improving? Or getting worse? Because good DB'ing is frequently taking stock of what works and doesn't, and making adjustments.
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I just don't know if he is going through MLC or mental illness or what.
Well if it's MLC then you've got a long, bumpy road ahead of you. It could take years to resolve as Cadet said.
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but I cannot help but to feel that he may realize what he is losing, although I think by now (8 weeks gone) he would know.
No, the timeline is months or maybe even years. 8 weeks is not the end, it's just the beginning.
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But now, going dark seems to make him go cold and mean.
How do you think he perceives your treatment of him during this phase? Have you lovingly detached from him while still showing him compassion? Or have you been cold and distant? Is he simply reflecting your behavior back on you?
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I want to keep my marriage, but wonder if he is too far gone now or just really sick and needs mental help.
Read DR. It's not about him, it's about what you can control- YOU.
Here are a few DB 180 tips for you to consider that seem relevant to your sitch:
-- successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. They almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life. -- successful DBers are outstanding listeners. They let their spouse do 80% of the talking when there is dialog. When they speak they speak 'lovingly' with candor and honesty. -- successful DBers validate their spouse's feelings even when they disagree with them. -- successful DBers have clarity about their life and their goals. -- successful DBers make a commitment to be in this for the long-term. They know that this will take time. So they become the master of patience. They make time their friend. -- successful DBers also make sure they focus on themselves in every way.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
When he got home, he texted her after reading the letter and said that he wished she wasnt in so much pain and that he wished he could take all her pain away...he also said that he hoped that some of the letter was a hyperbole and she responded by telling him that it was true. He said that that in time, the pain will dissiapate.
I was sad over this, seeing that even his daughter reaching out and trying to get him think straight left him only validating to her and himself this is the right thing for our family. Is this just his way of validating what he is doing and had done?
You really need to read DR and try to read more of the threads here. This is totally normal behavior for a WAS. They think their behavior is justified and nothing anyone can say to them will change their opinion on this. So what do you do? You never confront them about it. They have to resolve this on their own.
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He NEVER made eye contact with me. He said "hey" and got the mail for him but never even looked at me. I mean, I am still his wife and I am carrying his baby...maybe just a "how are you feeling?" would have been nice...I guess that just expecting too much...
Yeah, that's pretty normal too. My W started that a couple of months ago and is just now started to make eye contact again. DR and most people here will tell you to drop your expectations. I agree, it's a good idea.
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I wanted so badly to text him this morning and ask if he really thought this was best for all of us...but we are in NC mode and honestly, I think his answer would have ruined my day.
Don't initiate any R talks. You need to start acting "as if" everything is fine and normal even if it's not. Reevaluate your NC though, it doesn't sound like it's helping things.
Thanks so much for your input. I realize that I too had some fault with our marriage mainly being that I didn't stroke his ego enough. He needed to hear how great he was all the time due to his depression and his childhood traumas and I guess I thought I was doing this, but wasn't. That was his biggest complaint aside from controlling which had been next to none over the past 7 years.
I have been reading DR again, this time way more involved than I did before. Its hard to do 180s on things when he is not here to see them...and he doesn't care to even talk when he comes to get the kids. He did text me over the weekend and said "I hope u r feeling well" which was the first time he has done this since I have been pregnant (almost 19 weeks!) I didn't respond, as it was not a question, but I did end up texting him on Monday and asking exactly what I was not supposed to ask...."does any part of you want to save our marriage?" His response was that "its not possible because if it was, we would have already done it." I didn't get upset like I thought I would...just another rejection. My fault for asking....
I'm trying so hard to detach, but being married to him and being a family is all that I know...we have been together since we were 18 and married since 21. We have always had each other and it breaks my heart to know that he can move on so quickly and easily after all we had and have together. What about all our future plans of growing old together?
It amazes me how quickly things can go south...just in Jan and Feb he was telling me how much he loved me and things seemed wonderful. It wasn't until he met OW that he started to doubt everything and anything we have. I just feel like the longer we are apart, the less chance we have to get back together. And, on top of it all, we have a baby coming in March and who knows how that is going to work with our current situation. I feel sad that a new baby has to come into the world when his parents are falling apart.
I never knew how soul destroying a separation, rejection and betrayal could be....
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
