Separating Inevitable

[AnotherStander]

Oh and maybe a strobe light, it would look really cool in the fog that he is surrounded in.

ROTFLOL! Love it!

[littleGTO]

H is moving out tomorrow.

My question is should I immediately start changing (180) my interactions w him (as I have been very sad, weepy this week and probably not a lot of fun to be around).

I don't want him to think his move made me "happy" or that now he can feel "okay" b/c I'm "okay" now..and go and live this other life w/o me.

As for our boys he is being unusually attentive and wants to have everything around the house "all set" before he goes...and of course he's going to keep everything up and running during his daily visits to the house. (Guessing this is his way of feeling less guilty about his actions.)

This morning I was a mess as I was thinking about this being his last school morning home before moving.

H drove me to car shop then I drove him to work (as last week my car had to go to shop too & OW picked him up to take to work). I didn't want that again. He said he didn't understand why I wanted to do this esp since I was taking him to work where SHE was. In a non-DBing way I said, "I just don't want to lose you."
To which he responded, "I'm sorry I make you so upset." I said," That's not the response I wanted to hear." H- "I can't tell you what you want to hear right now." Me- "I know."

I know I went the non-DB route, but my emotions are getting the best of me right now. I figure he's leaving any way he might as well know what I'm thinking (although I'm pretty sure he already does.)

I asked him if we could spend the evening together tonight since it's his last night (I think he thinks I mean to just be home & will probably try to finish his packing when the kids go to bed). That's not what I meant...the problem is I don't really know what I meant. I just want to be around him and want HIM to be around ME. I guess I'm trying to create an unreal situation at a very sensitive time.

[Arsene]

I went through this with W as well. The thing is, the WAS is totally convinced that moving out is going to usher in a new era of incredible prosperity, unlimited happiness, abundant spare time and awesome new relationships for them. They just can't wait to get started, they're positively giddy with anticipation. Then move day comes and...

Wow this is a lot more work than I thought. I have to mow already? Where am I going to put all this crap? This place sure looked bigger with nothing in it. I've got to work tomorrow and can't find my stinking hair dryer, what box is that in? What the heck, I'm ALREADY getting bills in the mail? I hope W gets my laundry done soon, oh wait, I have to do that now don't I. When am I going to have time to unpack the rest of the boxes? Maybe I can just stack them against the wall for now. I've got the kids already? Dang, now I have to go grocery shopping, get them to do their homework, bathe, brush their teeth, go to bed, how am I going to have time for all this???

Reality check time! So don't let it bother you, if he's like my wife then the incredible thrill of moving will be short-lived indeed.

Brilliant ^^^^^^ Sure cheered me up! My W is in a boarding house so it's not that bad but then again, no privacy, no hot water, shared bathroom, thin foam mattress on the floor. No wonder she spends so much time here.

[Arsene]

H is moving out tomorrow.

My question is should I immediately start changing (180) my interactions w him (as I have been very sad, weepy this week and probably not a lot of fun to be around).

I don't want him to think his move made me "happy" or that now he can feel "okay" b/c I'm "okay" now..and go and live this other life w/o me.

I think that if you had been upbeat about it (and I understand how hard that would have been) he would have been curious about it. That is what 180s are about. Showing them something they don't expect in our behaviour. Make them wonder if they know everything they thought they knew about us.

As for our boys he is being unusually attentive and wants to have everything around the house "all set" before he goes...and of course he's going to keep everything up and running during his daily visits to the house. (Guessing this is his way of feeling less guilty about his actions.)

Yes but it is also probably better for the kids that he behaves that way. Your kids are going to go through many changes in the near future and every little bit of "normality" will be a welcome break.

H drove me to car shop then I drove him to work (as last week my car had to go to shop too & OW picked him up to take to work). I didn't want that again. He said he didn't understand why I wanted to do this esp since I was taking him to work where SHE was. In a non-DBing way I said, "I just don't want to lose you."
To which he responded, "I'm sorry I make you so upset." I said," That's not the response I wanted to hear." H- "I can't tell you what you want to hear right now." Me- "I know."

That's a bit positive. Does it mean maybe later I will? It doesn't sound like a key turning in the lock anyway.

I asked him if we could spend the evening together tonight since it's his last night (I think he thinks I mean to just be home & will probably try to finish his packing when the kids go to bed). That's not what I meant...the problem is I don't really know what I meant. I just want to be around him and want HIM to be around ME. I guess I'm trying to create an unreal situation at a very sensitive time.

Maybe you will create a moment you can look back on and give him a last impression, something he'll remember, but you might also hurt yourself more than you need to in the process.

[FierceHope]

Turtlegirl,

I just finished reading your thread, and you are right... There are MANY similarities between our situations.

However, we don't have children (although we were "trying" up until the bomb droppage), so I can't possibly understand how you're dealing with your sons. But I feel for all four of you... <hugs>

It's REALLY hard to detach, and I *still* don't quite know how to do it, but I know that we ALL have to. If you ever want to brainstorm some ideas, contact me! (I'm usually better at that kind of thing when bouncing ideas off of someone...)

Also, it seems to me like one reason he's talking to you about his move (what to get, what to bring), might be because no other family / friend is on "his side!" It's just a thought... Remember that we don't want to be viewed as the enemy, standing in the way of their "happiness!"

And believe me, I KNOW how much it hurts when your husband talks about his future without you in it. And it's really hard to "act as if" we're okay with it. I still can't do it! I just kind of withdraw into myself... It's the only way I don't cry in front of him right now. But, I know I need to stop doing that as one of my 180's, too!

One of our communication problems was that I expected him to know how and why my feelings were hurt by him, so I would hole up somewhere in the house (withdrawing) and wait for him to console me. He would find me, but I would stay upset that he didn't KNOW what the problem was. He got very tired of doing this... I see now how frustrated and unloved HE probably felt by my actions. And in fact, these past few months, when I TELL him what is bothering me, he sometimes ends up hugging me and always thanks me for letting him know!

I don't know if this helps you any, but I know the 180's can make them think! In the meantime, hang in there, Turtlegirl... And I will do the same.

- FH

[littleGTO]

Well, I've almost survived the weekend from HELL..

H moved out yesterday. I kept kids busy & went to see my niece's play and boys & I stayed overnight w them. We thought it would be easier NOT being in the house the first night H left.

It did help...them. So it was worth it. Me-I guess it was better than wallowing in my own sorrow all night. The play was cute and upbeat.

My SIL is, however,wanting me to move on from this "stranger" who used to be my H. She is appalled about this OW and can't believe I've been as nice and tolerant to him as I've been. In fact she was just shy of calling me a "doormat" I'm quite sure.

My BIL wants everyone to stop treating him like he's glass and give him a dose of reality. He too thinks I've been way too nice.

I DO feel like a doormat at times (like I'm just allowed him to communicate w OW for past 4 months & stay at home)and (setting the parameters of this move-out since I don't know what I want). I felt like I was "buying time" for the boys before he moved out yesterday. It was definitely time for him to move out though and evaluate his life--OW or me?! I know neither of us can continue living w him in limbo like this forever.

I have not set very many/any boundaries thus far. But, I'm wondering if I should...not sure what thought.

Interestingly he called us on way home from SIL. Talked to all 3 boys then asked S13 if I wanted to talk to him. I said "No, I'll talk to him when we get home." One-I didn't feel like talking to him and 2) I felt like I need to start not being as "available" to him all the time.

When we got home I said "hello" in a friendly tone (I thought) and he looked right and me and said, "We are still going to keep talking, right?" ME- "Of course." I think he was surprised I didn't talk to him on the phone.

Also, and I didn't know what to think about this...he was planning to visit the boys (at home) every day after school, which he still is...but after one night away from us he asked,"What would you think about me coming to see the boys before school every morning, too?"

I didn't answer right away but later I said I think that would be fine, as long as you are coming every day so the boys won't have to wonder if you are coming or not.

AM I JUST LETTIN HIM HAVE HIS CAKE AND EATING IT TOO, or is this okay b/c it is in the best interests of the kids to see their dad (and for me to see him too) more.

Okay, one last thing. He also said he wondered if I would mind if he just made his lunches every day at home before he went back to his aptmt each evening. (We are still sharing finances and he said he was fine /planning to buy his own groceries). I did buy "stuff" for him to have today when I went grocery shopping. AM I PATHETIC??? OR, just too nice?

SO, WHAT DOES ANYONE SUGGEST FOR BOUNDARIES for me to impose...so that he's not just cake-eating all the time (and he's still talking to OW at work, as a reminder why he' moved out...life w her/ or life w family).

[littleGTO]

Yesterday -MOVE OUT DAY- I was miserable, of course. BUt I asked (in non-DBing style) if as he was leaving if he could just give me some words of HOPE.

His reply- "I don't want to mislead anybody about preconceived notions of what will or will not happen. So, no, I can't."

I was devastated...I know, I know...

"Believe nothing they say and only 50% of their actions."

I hope he is feeding OW same line, only I doubt it.

All his actions feel like, "I am trying to be responsible (for the kids , for the house, making sure you are okay (in some ways)) so I won't have to feel so guilty about what I'm really doing...setting up my life so eventually (after OW's D is final) she & I can ride off into the sunset together."

Sorry, but his ACTIONS reek of guilt!

[Sweetbriar]

Turtle,

I can tell you what I would do...not sure if anyone will agree, but him coming over morning and after school and then packing his lunch is CRAZY! If he is not willing to give up OW then he doesnt get to come in and do all these things. He is moving out..so with that, comes consequences. I understand about the kids wanting to see him but he made this decision.

I dont know if that is the right answer but its what Im doing. My H doesnt come at all except to pick my kids up and drop them off. I dont allow him to come and do the fun stuff and see the kids everyday because he walked away from us and it also hurts me to see him. My H is still with OW and claims to love her and to me, that doesnt warrant letting him in whenver he wants to have fun with us, then go to her an have fun with her.

Now, Maybe letting H there often would be better so he can see what he is missing by being gone...but for me..its more painful. I have to detach and him being there everyday wont help me.

This is just my opinion of course and Im relatively new...but I thought I would just add my 2 cents!

Im sorry that this weekend was hard...My H has been gone for 3 months and its still very hard for me and my girls. I miss him terribly and all the time...but I know that while he is with OW and loving her, he cannot be here with us. Hope your week is better than your weekend!

[littleGTO]

Thanks, Sweetbriar! I appreciate your opinion about my sitch and am sorry you & I are in similar boats.

I figure if H is over often I can have more impact on him w MY interactions w him.

He is NOT seeing OW outside of work YET, and if he does (which I am pretty sure he will tell me- as he has been a fairly "open book" about her) then things will definitely change...not sure if that makes sense since he's still technically having an EA w her and says he's "in love" with her and not me.

I guess I"d better set parameters early on so he doesn't just walk all over me.

[littleGTO]

H moved out Sat nite. We spent that nite at SILs. So last night was first night in house w/o him.

3 boys were up and down like whack-a-moles all night. I got about 3 hrs of sleep max--running on fumes.

H comes over thismorning (from his aptmt) after asking me yesterady if I minded him doing this...I said "sure, as long as you are consistently here."

Well, he comes over this morning and says he doesn't think he will be coming over in am's after all--not really any purpose (after he laid out all kinds of reasons yesterday).

He went to hug me as he has been when we leave each other and I pulled away first and the hug was not my usual "I really care about you hug." He chuckled and then said, "Your hugs are getting colder. That's all right. I deserve that, I guess."

I didn't say anything. Just looked at him.

Should I continue the pull-away first hug next time? Will he stop hugging me altogether if he thinks I don't want the hug? Should I give him a warmer hug next time?

I know I'm reading way too much into this, but I know our interactions are going to be much more limited now and I want to send the message that I still care, but you've hurt me and now things are going to be different until/unless you decide to move back (& leave OW).

HELP! I don't know how to BE around him now. I have so many mixed feelings and emotions going crazy!