Sitting on the Blanket

[labug]

ss, are you there?

[zig]

ha ha!! i saw that KD!! never took you for a stalker hmmm... will have to rethink this one

what's the "other" alt

sheesh! this whole thing is getting ridiculous!

busting what on earth "persona" are you talking about?
did you go sign up under some really obscure name, because NONE of us can find you!! there's a whole discussion going on there about your impending arrival!

((((((((( )))))))))

zig

[bustingout]

Hi everyone, just a small but of journaling....

The past couple of days I have really felt like I am letting go even more. It's funny how the vets talk about layers and stages and I feel like I am really starting to get it.

I miss H I am not going to deny that. I don't want my family to break up.

However, I know that this is H's thing now. I don't believe anymore that he cannot be happy in a R with me. I also am starting to see how he contributed to the demise of this M too. The focus on him...was a lot. He set the mood in the house and in our R.

The times when I felt unheard, unloved, not good enough etc. I spent a lot of time trying to make H 'happy' and getting his approval. I wanted him to be proud of me and proud that I was his wife. I wanted his approval. I guess if that's the way I felt in the M I wasn't really getting what I needed and it should have been obvious that in had issues I needed to deal with. But again, this was my wake up call...and I am feeling more and more awake each day.

One thing I have realised and I am happy about is that we are more in sync with parenting. I am making a conscious effort to include him in the majority of decisions about the kids even while he is travelling. And I am informing him about them more. The past two years have been not like that at all. That feels good.

We have had a few non kid related interactions while he has been away. Nothing to write home about but pleasant none the less. He actually started a conversation about his back ( he had surgery back in May) and how he might need a follow up.this is progress as when he went for the surgery back in may he didn't even tell me he was going and what was happening.

He is still with OW so I am grounded. Its probably just his Walls cracking a bit with me as he sees my changes. Maybe we will mange to scrap together some sort of friendship in the long run. But I really have no expectations from him anymore.

So that's it for now. I'm learning, growing, observing and doing so with less and less fear, but more confidence in myself.

Take care dear friends

[2chiquitos]

Awesome report busting ;-)

I believe that we have periods of detachment then we revert. In time we have longer and longer periods of detachment and shorter periods where we revert. At least, I'd like to think so.

Take care :-)

[labug]

Great post, Busting. You sound so strong, I know that feels so good.

And yes, you will waffle a bit but don't let that get you down, just part of the process.

As far as friendship with your H, who knows what that R will look like in the future. But here's the for sure part, you can set the boundaries for it.

[bustingout]

Thanks Vero and labug. I do feel strong. And yes, it waffles...a little wave is hitting me now...the 'wanting to reach out wave' but i am also remembering that if he wants to reach out he can.

Am trying to think back to when we first met....no, actually when we started becoming best friends and eventually dated, lovers, etc.

I hav to admit, that file i posted yesterday that the couple of small positive interactions we had that were not about the kids got me thinking. Should i initiate a non kid text? but then i thought 'no'. That is what i did in the past two years. a small softening and i would break through with a jack hammer, only to scare him off again.

this is what sitting on the blanket with my back to the castle means i suppose.

Bt those old feelings of wanting to remind him i am still out there float through me at times. i am learning to let them go through and not react to them. what will be will be. he knows where i am. he knows how to contact me. he knows how.

So, work is getting a little stressful but i enjoy it. Am preparing the students' college applications with them. I always feel so privileged to be a part of this process with them. :-)

Trying to plan the winter break. Had agreed with my sister in law (h's sister) that we would meet in Germany for xmas but it is still not finalized. Also, my good friends from here (two families) are going to S Africa for New years (safari first) and me and the kids have been included. However, it is not cheap. And i am hesitant to ask H about it ( not if he will go but about the expenses). I know that we are in a tight time right now financially, but not sure if i should ask him with the idea that i use some of my own money to support the trip or not approach it at all. From what he told my sister when she was here finances are putting a lot of strain on him. Since i know that, shouldn't i be considerate of it and skip the idea of this trip? Or maybe he is expecting us to do something for the winter break so it won't be a strain? Or how about this...why don't i just ask him??? lol

anyway will flop it about in the head for a few days.

Invited out to a couple of events this weekend so am looking forward. 2 more days and its our weekend...yippee!

[LITB]

You sound great Busting.

You are right, your H knows that you are there and how to find you. It might be when he realizes that you are no longer there that he may think to himself, "Ah, sh!t, what am I doing?"

Glad to see that you are GAL and keeping busy with work.

(( ))

[~ kd ~]

what's the "other" alt

"other" alt account

one I can be found on and the other is more private so I point those that belong on that account.

busting what on earth "persona" are you talking about?
did you go sign up under some really obscure name, because NONE of us can find you!!

busting's account privacy settings were set so high that she's not searchable nor can she be messaged. once one of you have her connected, then she can be pointed to the rest of you.

[bustingout]

lol yes i was so worried about being 'found' that i practically locked myself into an account with me and no one else. i think it is sorted now.

Thanks KD for helping me out :-) I am not sure if i have the 'right' one for you?

[bustingout]

LITB!!!!!!!! How are you?

its nice to hear from you :-) i hope you and your family are doing well.

Thanks for your post. Yes he knows where to find me. In fact he just texted because he wanted a recipe from me for an event he is catering. At first i thought of course when HE needs something he texts, but the amount of times in the past when i texted for something i wouldn't even get a response. of course that was before DB and before change. anyway, that is in the past.

I don't text him for anything i need anymore.

I am busting. i am not thrown anymore by his needs, wants, crises or spews.

Thanks LITB ((( )))