Here is my not-brief overview: M:46 H: 47 4 S's: 18,16,13,10, D 26 Married 19 yrs H distant the last year or so
I noticed the distance about a year ago, and I was slow in realizing it because I was so busy. It was eldest s senior year, and I was very stressed with his college plans. The first problem I noticed was that H was unable to finish ML on two occasions. I assumed a physical problem. He has high blood pressure and is on meds. Since that time, no ML. Always a workaholic, his hours at worked increased even more. I confronted him about the lack of sex a few months ago. I got: I'm not feeling well. I confronted him about never being home, about spending all his off days up in our bedroom alone, only coming downstairs to do laundry or get something to drink. I got: They've cut 3 positions at work. I hate my job. (This is true. He was passed over two years ago for a promotion in favor of someone he thought was inferior to him who is now his director. I know it wounded his pride.) Confronted him on 09/02 when he was finally home long enough for me to talk to him and got "I love you,but I'm not in love with you" only after repeated questioning about what the heck was wrong. In the last few months, his personality has totally changed. He stopped laughing around me, or calling me pet nicknames, or having me rub his back. He started wearing his hair differently. Feeling sucker punched, I responded with, "I'm in total shock, and what can I do to change this?" I really was in shock. I've always felt adored and loved by this man, and that has always been everyone else's opinion, too.
His response: I don't know what I want to do about us. And now is a bad time to talk. I have a sinus headache, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Fortunately, I was on my way in a few minutes to church and had to leave the house with my boys. I cried all the way there, all during church,all the way home, and the rest of that day. Then I googled "ILYBINILWY" and got this site, as well as Retrovaille. My gut told me that asking him to go to counseling would not be productive, so I decided against Retrovaille. I ordered DR and read it. Assuming H was in MLC, I tried to detach. I moved my clothes out of our shared closet. I don't sleep in the same bedroom as H and haven't for years because of his snoring, so that didn't change. H had been giving me a peck on the cheek when he left for work, but after I moved my clothes, he stopped doing that. I've been trying to learn about MLC. It is hard, because of my homemaking and homeschooling duties. My heart has always been at home. I've stopped speaking to him unless spoken to, although he rarely speaks to me. He is still saying goodbye when he leaves for work. I am trying to get more of a life outside of my home, and become more involved in church activities. I've left the house twice when he was home in the evening without telling him or s where I was going, which is a change for me, although it seems to have had no effect. I already have hobbies that I love: walking and knitting. I have been walking a lot and exercising much more. I've been praying a lot more. And I am trying to eat well, but I've lost about 8 pounds. I hear that is the MLC diet.
I made two mistakes last week. I asked if we could talk, and it was a bad time for him, and I am a bully for insisting that we talk right now. So, he asked if we could do it Wed. I said OK, what about lunchtime. Wed comes along, and at lunchtime he asks if I am ready. We go out, and I suggest that we go to the store to buy a new computer. The one in our home office recently died, and one s needs that one for one of his classes. Up until a year ago, H worked in the office on that computer frequently, so I told him to get what he wanted. He doesn't get a computer tower or all-in-one, he gets a laptop. I'm thinking, that is probably so when he leaves, he can take it with him. Then we leave the store, and go to a fast food place he suggests for lunch. Fast food? I didn't bring up relationship; he didn't bring up relationship. We go home. H goes upstairs. Second mistake: reading all the threads about EA and PA, my imagination got the better of me. I spied on email, computer files. Didn't find anything, but haven't discounted the possibility of OW. It would be out of character, but everything he is doing and acting like is not the man he was a year and a half ago. He had adored me up until that time.
Don't know if it is relevant, but my parents celebrated 48 years of marriage this month. His father has been married to second wife, whom H considers his mother, for 25 years. His biological mother was an abusive alcoholic. He left her home as a teen and has had no relationship with her since then, even though she has tried to reconcile.
I am rereading DR. I am trying to read helpful threads here. I am planning on scheduling a phone consultation.soon. I talked to my pastor yesterday. He said that he would talk to H and me anytime, anywhere. I don't think that is the way to go right now. I am Catholic, and believe that a marriage bond is indissoluble, even if civil divorce is warranted. I have been a stay at home homeschooling mom for 18 years. I am trying to prepare for the long haul, trying to remain strong. Youngest s has said that I don't look happy, sound happy, or act happy. I want to change that. Any advice, comments, suggestions welcome.
What Cadet just said is hard advice to swallow, but after having heard it a week ago I can tell you I am doing better although I struggle each day. It is important to understand what detaching really means and I am reading more and learning more each day to become better at this. It will make a difference for you if you can start sooner rather than later. I needed the advice a month before I got it and wished I had asked and received it sooner.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. ... To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Confronted him on 09/02 when he was finally home long enough for me to talk to him and got "I love you,but I'm not in love with you" only after repeated questioning about what the heck was wrong. In the last few months, his personality has totally changed. He stopped laughing around me, or calling me pet nicknames, or having me rub his back. He started wearing his hair differently. Feeling sucker punched, I responded with, "I'm in total shock, and what can I do to change this?" I really was in shock. I've always felt adored and loved by this man, and that has always been everyone else's opinion, too.
I can relate, this is very similar to my sitch. My W always showed a lot of affection and after BD it completely and totally stopped literally overnight. It's very confusing and painful.
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His response: I don't know what I want to do about us. And now is a bad time to talk. I have a sinus headache, and I feel like I'm going to throw up.
In other words- "you are putting pressure on me and I do not want it." Stop ALL talks about the relationship right away. Only talk about it if he wants to, and if he does then let him do all the talking and you just listen intently and validate his emotions.
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Assuming H was in MLC, I tried to detach. I moved my clothes out of our shared closet. I don't sleep in the same bedroom as H and haven't for years because of his snoring, so that didn't change.
Read DR, "more of the same" behavior isn't going to help your sitch. You've got to change things up and do 180's. Do the opposite of what you've been doing. In your case that could very well mean moving back into the master bedroom.
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I've been trying to learn about MLC.
Based on the limited info you've provided, it sounds more like WAS than MLC. MLCers can get really ugly. But I wouldn't worry about trying to diagnose it, just concentrate on YOU. This is the essence of DB'ing.
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I am trying to get more of a life outside of my home, and become more involved in church activities. I've left the house twice when he was home in the evening without telling him or s where I was going, which is a change for me, although it seems to have had no effect.
This is all good, but keep in mind that GAL helps you, but you need to work on 180's to demonstrate change to your husband as well. I haven't seen you mention 180's, work on that if you haven't. Regarding "no effect", don't expect any changes in his attitude anytime soon. It's going to take months before he's convinced you've really changed and are not just doing tricks to try and lure him back.
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I made two mistakes last week. I asked if we could talk, and it was a bad time for him, and I am a bully for insisting that we talk right now.
Here are a few DB rules for you to consider:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
I know how you feel, I'd love to be able to sit down and hash things out with my W too. But I assure you, every relationship talk you initiate will just backfire on you, I've been there. It's perceived as pressure. It will not help.
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Second mistake: reading all the threads about EA and PA, my imagination got the better of me. I spied on email, computer files. Didn't find anything, but haven't discounted the possibility of OW. It would be out of character, but everything he is doing and acting like is not the man he was a year and a half ago. He had adored me up until that time.
Don't spy, it won't help and can make things worse. There's not always a "real" OW, he may have some imaginary vision of the perfect woman in his head and that's really all it takes. Work on you, that's all that's within your control. Give him the space and time he's asking for.
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I talked to my pastor yesterday. He said that he would talk to H and me anytime, anywhere. I don't think that is the way to go right now.
You're right.
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I am Catholic, and believe that a marriage bond is indissoluble, even if civil divorce is warranted.
That's great, but unfortunately it only takes one to end a marriage. What your belief is doesn't matter if your H wants to end it. Same with me, my faith leads me to believe marriage is the highest calling we as humans can perform for God, but my W doesn't feel that way (I thought she did right up until BD) and it's completely in her power to end it regardless of what I say or believe. Such is the way our laws work.
