I don't know if anyone here remembers me. I was on here a year ago when my relationship was falling apart. We were three years in with a three year old (yes, you can do the math) and things fell apart due to immaturity on both our parts, codependency, needs, my postpartum and screaming and anger, his withdrawal and avoidance.
Well, shockingly, after a year of being a single mom, and piecing my own life back together - as much as possible (renovating my at-home business, going to school to start another business, doing therapy 2x a week for a year, getting a bookkeeper, getting organized, losing weight, healing, working on my parenting), last Saturday night, my ex was at my apartment putting our daughter to bed (the past year, our schedule was that he came here 2x a week to take care of her here, and would take her a couple overnights and also bring her back here and put her to bed).
Well, he came in my room and hugged me - for a long time. And I was freaked out but have wanted us to be together all along; not particularly because I thought we were so great together, but b/c the logistics of being apart were really stupid in my opinion and I just wanted an intact family.
Anyway, we seem to be reconciling now.
And he seems promising - read some books, sought a therapist, admitted stuff, apologized for stuff.
But last night, we got into something that just brought everything RIGHT BACK! Ugh. We talked about it enough today that it's "okay" for now (we're going out tonight on our first date since Saturday's attempt at reconciliation) but I am really doubtful.
A lot of people thought he was pretty narcissitic and immature and I guess I'd agree. I don't know what he is now. I'm hoping to find out.
But I put aside A LOT of my past resentment and frustrations with him to make space for whatever might grow from our re-union, except last night was just insulting and rude. (STupid, but he got whiny with me and it's annoying - )
I just feel like I question whether this is someone who is truly available to meeting someone else's needs. I see he is trying, and I'm all for trying (not like I need it to be perfect) but I feel like so often he's been talked about as someone with a personality disorder, I lose hope that he can ever change.
And, yes, I realize, that's the kiss of death - hoping he will change.
So much is riding on this- our family, our daughter's future, etc. etc. And yet, I feel frozen (in fear) ... I'm trying - I'm giving this a chance, but wow, if we get into an argument at this early of a stage about going on a date, I don't know how we can run our lives together?!!
I guess I just want to know what to expect in terms of piecing; I'd like to have realistic expectations. And - I don't now - what the chances are.
I'm careful about him being all talk and no behavior. I would really like to see behavior, but I don't know what behavior is reasonable to expect in order to start trusting again.
I'd give you the same advice I usually give people in this situation:
Keep separate residences, and ask him to "court" you for a period of time -- say 6 months. You guys can either agree to date exclusively or not exclusively, but don't allow him back into your home -- nor your heart (especially your DAUGHTER'S day-to-day life!) . . . too easily.
Make him WORK FOR YOU. Slow and steady as she goes . . .
Because, he's the one who broke his marriage vows by having an affair with a co-worker, and he also left you when you were 31 weeks pregnant. Now, I"m not familiar enough with your backstory to know what YOUR contributions to the marital dysfunction were, but it really doesn't matter. My suggestion -- maintaining separate residences, and dating each other -- is really a 2-way street for BOTH of you to demonstrate a new level of emotional maturity and commitment to each other before exposing your daughter to any false hopes.
I don't know any of that backstory but I know ESN's. If he cheated on her with a co-worker OR while she was pregnant, that is news to me.
Sounds more like KeepGoing's thread, but I digress.
ESN you are not actually IN piecing yet b/c you don't both know you want to recommit, correct? So it's more like a probing towards piecing and then, hopefully, a recon.
But you say you are NOT sure you want HIM so much as you want an intact family. What does that mean? Does he still annoy/dissatisfy you? Are you in love with him? Also, what would be different now, than before, on both ends?
e.g. How are you going to handle his inevitable flaws (b/c we all have them)?
You used to have quite an anger problem, by your own admission.
Does he still push buttons in you that re-ignite the anger
or have you modified your reactions to him enough so that you will react differently- which MAY lead to him reacting differently?
And did you ever read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books? You seemed resistant to them. True, they are NOT the same as all the rest and even if you LOVE LOVE LOVE the other books you promote--
would it really hurt to read one of the books that forms the basis of this site?
ANYHOW....Back to piecing...
if you both decide to recommit, well, I would not do so,
unless I knew you BOTH had NEW TOOLS for handling conflict. That was huge for you guys.
Life does give conflict to us and always will. Right after you resolve one, you get another.
When we began piecing, like 5 months into it, my mil got terminally ill and came to live with us and I quit MY job (b/c h makes more).
that's a curve ball that would affect ANY m, let alone a shaky one in piecing.
We were able to attend Retrovaille and had some breakthroughs,
and then we did our own personal work at a workshop and reconnected even more fully.
But we had to get new tools for handling MIL's issues, and that's just one example of a new problem you cannot anticipate until it comes.
So, what are the new tools YOU have? And him?
I'd work on getting those no matter what else happens and then see where things go.
I would not live together for a long time however. Not til new tools are in place, trust is there and you both let go of the past.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
ESN, interesting development. I'm just here for one post to suggest that you DO take things slow. Let it all develop organically. Don't push it, but don't run from it. Let what ever happens, happen.
I still have issues with flaws. I just got back from our date and admitted to him I'm hard on myself and therefore I'm hard on us. Doesn't make it okay, but I have a lot of fears that he is not mature, not man like, and therefore I then go about finding evidence to support my fears, and then I get angry, and then I demand things - like he sell his car.
Ugh.
So there's that STILL.
But I am a whole ton calmer. I am much more aware. I do listen to him and can slow my own speeding fears down. I have given myself what I need and know I can take care of me. I have found peace in me, and am no longer looking to him. I have more self-value, confidence, and strength.
I don't know if those are tools. In the past year, all my intense work was in working on me - I would have to see how they work in terms of relationship - I feel like we can use help there. We are both clearly willing. But therapy feels - eh. Blah. Maybe Retrovaille? IDK - somewhere where we can gain some tools, yes.
We had them before but we didn't put them into use b/c we were both in chronic constant fight or flight/fear/running mode -
I still worry about that. That takes work on oneself, no? To not be so reactive, fear-based, etc. And that's where I start to get fussy again - I want to be a couple who is not in chronic reactivity.
I'm actually WAY more okay with forgetting the past than I thought I would be. Simply b/c I don't have the time and I want to move on and I think it was actually a blessing in disguise that we got away from each other - even if I took more than my fair share of responsibility for everything - I still feel mostly okay with it - thought he "more than my share" part might need some working on...
Oh, and you're right about piecing. That makes sense.
I don't even want to really kiss right now! So I don't see moving in any time soon ... though I do want a clear sense of if this is working/gonna work, and fear that if we're not living together and doing the day-to-day how will we know? Any ideas for "how will we know?"
I don't know - I think I don't even really know what a real marriage looks like ... I compare us a lot ... I never had good relationships. I never saw them modeled. I look at them now but who knows if what I observe about others is really the real story. Y'know?
I'd love to know what real marriages look like b/c sometimes I think I'm so hard on him and I - and other times I think I'm too forgiving.
You ask am I in love with him? I was - for years. But despite that, I also give my love away to people who don't and haven't treated me well. So I don't know.
And this past year. My fear is that while it's not immediately nagging at me now, it will. Like I lost respect for him. For a man who would leave his family ... even though he showed up for our daughter and wanted more time with her - then I think - well I can't love a man who would try to take his daughter from her momma. Then I think he doesn't see our basic needs, even though he asked me to spell them out tonight, and I did ... lousily, and he listened. And said "What can I do."
I think my love is a little pulled back right now. I'm numb.
