So basically I was here in late 2006/2007. At that time he had left to live with OW leaving me with our 4 children. I am just trying to give some background. As far as children our kids are 14, 12, and 10(twins) We have been together since 94 and married since 99. We did split up in 06 when he left me for OW whom he had been seeing while he was working out of town. Just as I was almost completely detached he came begging to come home. We laid out conditions and he did. Then as time went on I became more passive, more of a doormat AGAIN, and less of me. Things went well for some time after he came home and then he got hurt and is now on disability. Basically, that put all the responsibility at that point on me. Breadwinning, kids, bills, everything. He would get up and take them to the school bus and pick them up from the bus but really that's about it. I'm exhausted and cranky. Really, I don't even like being around me so I wouldn't think he would. I don't laugh or take jokes very well anymore either. I think it is just my day to day issues are survival for my family to get through meaning bills paid, food on the table, clothes. Basic needs. I have not really put the relationships as a priority.
I should also add in here like many other people with chronic health problems he also has severe depression. So much so that he has been hospitalized in the past for suicidal thoughts. About 9 months ago he stopped taking all of his meds and stopped counseling. Things went downhill, quickly.
My husband is verbally abusive. Not in calling names or anything like that but really belittling and just being snide and nasty. In addition, there are outbursts of anger ( I call this taking a fit lol) But when that happens he will throw things slam the door, just generally act like an angry teenager. So anyway, after coming off his meds, he started just hanging out with some guys I really don't like. Smoking pot, abusing pain pills. Beyond that though, is just he continues to be nastier and nastier.
Which brings me to our current situation, I am basically taking complete care of the home, the kids, and I am a full time nursing student. I am in my last year and I think the possible changes have freaked him out with that too. Suddenly, I will not be financially dependent.
So in the last year in addition to stopping his meds he lost his aunt who basically was his mother. He lived with her from the time he was 13 to adulthood. His lack of coping and grieving is also involved in this.
Everything fell apart about a week and a half ago. I had, had a clinical rotation for school and was at the hospital until 2 AM. Came home went to bed until 3 AM and he woke me up around 6 basically telling me he wasn't sure if he would be back. I was pretty freaked out. I knew we hadn't been close and had problems but really figured a lot of it was just the stressors of my schooling, and just life. Also, that when I was done with school much of this would be relieved and we could get on with our life without all the additional stress we have now - like financial worries, schedules, weird late hours, no time to each other, no time for family activities. - Apparently, though, he was not feeling the same way. He told me he felt numb towards me and had no positive feelings. He didn't love me, didn't want to touch me, be around me, and basically he blamed me for our life in the last 8 years. To be frank, we rarely if ever have sex. That was me. It's hard to want to have sex when you are exhausted, and really just talked to like crap all the time. His last attempt was literally, "Wanna F@&!?" Ummmmm NO!!!
He continued to stay here for another week and a half or so. We did talk and one of the things was his rudeness. He did actually make an effort and stopped being a jerk. I listening to what he was saying did a complete 180. I stopped nagging, screaming, complaining, was trying to just be supportive, offering touch not sexually but little things like patting his arm. Remaining positive and non confrontational.
Last night, there was another big blow up which started actually from the kids having an argument. He starts screaming what is the matter? At which point, I said what do you think? They are all freaked out waiting on you to leave. They don't understand or know what is going to happen and they are scared and need you. He took that to mean it was time to go, so he did.
Since he left, I haven't called, texted, or wanted to. I intend to stay completely dark. I really do not believe there is OW this time. I think he is just depressed and grieving and blaming me. However, I am tired of being blamed. Tired of settling for this angry nasty hateful person who seems so completely self absorbed. Do I have my share of fault and blame in this? Oh you betcha. I absolutely do.
So here I am. Again. I am going to work on me. I do still care about my marriage. Not the one I have had though here recently. I want a new life. One that has two parents for my children, one where I feel supported not belittled, one that brings joy not chaos. I basically did tell him that when he gets his head right to come talk to me but in the mean time I will be taking care of myself, and my needs. I wasn't nasty or rude but matter of fact. I think he is having a mid life crisis in addition to dealing with his grief and depression. So I intend to GAL for myself and hopefully it will rub off on him. And if not, then at least I will know I have tried everything. That's not much consolation really. I sound stronger than I feel but really I am pretty mad. lol I am sure that will pass and I will reach the forgiveness stage but I'm not there yet. So in the meantime, maybe the anger will help me be not so desolate that he is gone. If I am honest, the man that left here both times, is not the same man I married. That is the guy I want back. Not the angry, ranting, nasty man that left. So that's my story. Or at least the shortened version of it.
Will keep y'all updated. If anyone has any insight on how to best deal with severe depression in this type of situation I would love to hear it.
Wow. When I started reading your post I thought for sure you were going to be the WAS, I'm really surprised that your H was the one that walked. You must be truly incredible to want to keep the M together after all you've been put through, I really admire you for that Let's look at your husband:
- He is in severe depression - He quit taking depression med's - He has chronic health issues - He's been hospitalized for being suicidal - He's verbally abusive - He has anger issues - He smokes pot and illegally takes prescription drugs - His attitude is getting worse
Now let me ask you, if your best friend came to you and described her husband this way and asked you what to do, what would your advice to her be? Your H has major, serious issues. A great marriage is simply not in your future unless he seeks out professional help on several fronts. He needs A/D meds, he needs counseling to deal with his anger, depression and abuse, and he needs intervention/ rehab to stop the illegal drug use. Since he left I can only assume he thinks you are the problem, so you can't help him. Any attempt on your part to steer him to help will appear to him as pressure, nagging, etc. You have got to detach in a serious way, not to get your M back but to improve your outlook and get your life back on track. Leave H to resolve his issues on his own for now.
Normally DB recommends not soliciting help from family/ friends, but your sitch is different for the above reasons, and if it's possible to get someone to talk sense into him then you really should try. Not to try to steer him back to the M, but just to get him to get professional help.
Not really. That is part of the problem. I am more than wife, I am caretaker. By pushing about the counseling and meds then I am sending him the message that he is broken, and "not normal" his words. Ironic, with my background, I just see it as eh take a couple pills and then it makes working on things soooo much easier. I probably was a WAS. I thought about it. We both were/are miserable. What I know is that he was my best friend. Even on bad days he is still the person I want to tell what is happening with me.
I also learned long ago that forgiveness for many of those things he had done was for myself. Not for him.
Yes, I have been through a lot. I honestly, have issues of my own. Abandonment being one of them. Trust being another. However, that does not in any way mean that I think my children will be better off without two parents.
At this point safety is my primary concern.
I honestly expect I will see him tonight. He doesn't want to be away from the kids. Maybe me too. I don't know. He will let me touch him and whatever. We don't have sex but he will sit and be still. We function normally when eating dinner that sort of thing most of the time then he will turn around and just be sort of foolish. Meaning it can be something as simple as me asking him what he wants to eat and he will say I just want a sandwich. You know like trying to not be burdensome or whatever. When in reality, I don't mind the work at all, but some input and decisiveness would be nice. He does sometimes pull away too and tells me he feels numb towards me. But at the same time he still wears his wedding band. He had taken it off and he saw me looking at his hand and said I left it on the sink. Sure enough, he put it back on.
He gives so many mixed signals. I really think he is going through a personal crisis. I am just the one that he is taking it all out on. Unfortunately, we all do that to people we love. Even when we don't want or mean to.
I feel like I am being punished for something though but really I am not sure what. I am overbearing and controlling sometimes. Not by choice though really. More like by default. If I don't take control I don't think he will. If that makes sense?
I don't really think he is ready for divorce but I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything. He doesn't talk and when he does what comes out is often such a distortion of how I view things I don't even know what to think.
What I do know is I am not being baited into any more talks or arguments. I am resolving to simply let him sit and really experience life alone. I will also try to encourage any healthy behaviors.
As for the people I trust and he trusts- even though I do not like his friends I believe they would contact me if they thought he needed intervention. In truth, I think much of his suicide talk is manipulation. Perhaps that is wishful thinking and I would certainly hate to find out differently.
I wish I could describe things better. I really feel as though I am being punished for something. Lack of attention maybe? Lack of affection? Both?
Not really. That is part of the problem. I am more than wife, I am caretaker. By pushing about the counseling and meds then I am sending him the message that he is broken, and "not normal" his words.
Yeah, but he IS broken. He IS not normal. He needs to hear it from others, he won't believe you because he thinks you are the problem.
Originally Posted By: MKB23
I probably was a WAS. I thought about it. We both were/are miserable. What I know is that he was my best friend. Even on bad days he is still the person I want to tell what is happening with me.
That's only because you've put all your emotional eggs in his basket. I did the same thing with my W. You need to reach out to old friends, make new ones, branch out and GAL. Believe me, it makes a world of difference. It's helped me to see that my W is an option, not a necessity. I want her, but I don't need her. It's helped me realize that I will be perfectly fine with or without her. I most definitely want to reconcile, but even if we don't I will have a great life without her. You too will see this in time. You sound like a great person, but you're letting his disaster of a life block you from seeing your own greatness and potential.
Originally Posted By: MKB23
I also learned long ago that forgiveness for many of those things he had done was for myself. Not for him.
In DR Michele talks about forgiveness, it is NOT about forgetting, but rather letting go. You can forgive him, but you still must learn from his mistakes and make him pay the consequences for them. Forgiveness does not mean being a doormat.
Originally Posted By: MKB23
However, that does not in any way mean that I think my children will be better off without two parents.
Your children deserve two great parents, not one great one and one abusive, drug using, depressed one. From what you've described your children are better off without him until and unless he can get his act together. Don't convince yourself that a severely damaged husband/ father is better than no husband at all.
Originally Posted By: MKB23
He gives so many mixed signals. I really think he is going through a personal crisis. I am just the one that he is taking it all out on. Unfortunately, we all do that to people we love. Even when we don't want or mean to.
Again, your sitch is NOT normal!! It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself it is. It's not!
Originally Posted By: MKB23
I feel like I am being punished for something though but really I am not sure what.
Believe me, we all have gone through the victim mentality. Read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough", it'll help you understand you are not responsible for this.
Dobson may not work well with chronic health problems and depression. It may. Not too sure.
Thanks for pointing out and I certainly agree with you. I only meant it in the context of reading it to learn that the LBS is not the guilty part even though they often feel that way (I know I did). The LBS is the one that's doing everything to save the marriage, the WAS is the one who is throwing it all away. Even though the LBS may have played some part in the WAS wanting to leave, the bottom line is the LBS is willing to work at it and the WAS isn't. Therefore as Dobson points out, the guilt and fault lie with the WAS, not the LBS.
You guys are great! Wonderful and it helps to hear all of this. Even better to hear it from people that have no other motives or anything to gain.
I was right about his coming over here. He did. He has taken off his ring. I also did everything wrong. Naturally. Sigh. I didn't beg or plead but I did talk and I just wish I could shut my stupid mouth. He started to get very angry when I made the comment that I did see my fault and I apologized. I did also say though that the break down was both of us and that frankly he wasn't the only one whose needs weren't getting met. At this point he screamed at me, "I thought you weren't going to fight" Which I simply replied very very calmly, "I'm not fighting or getting angry it is just you don't want to hear it." He just shut his mouth at that. I did ask what he was looking to accomplish or do while moving out. His response was I don't know. His response to everything is, "I don't know" Which is likely true. He did agree to stay all night on Tuesday while I am at the hospital and finances are pretty much going to continue as normal for the time being. So that is a good thing. I stupidly told him you know how I feel and what I want. I did also express that while I am patient I am not waiting forever and he knows full well I have boundaries. Basically, another relationship or woman for him is a deal breaker. For real. I will not go through the shame, embarrassment, and just crap that comes from that again. No way in hell.
So anyway, my weekend is here with the kids, doing homework, maybe we will get out and do something. No real plans. Maybe do some things around the house here that need done. I am planning to not call or text. The calling is very difficult for me.
That's all I know. I will check out the book. I wonder if they have it on Nook?
I don't think so. I like how calm you stayed when he became emotional. It's also very good that you've stated your boundaries. Enjoy your weekend with the kids!
Let's look at your husband: