H is 40 I am 41. Been together 17 years, mostly happy or so I thought. Realised that after the death of his Dad approximately 3 years ago he was shutting down and I did everything wrong. Nagged, berated, etc to try to get him to engage. Distance between us grew. He stopped seeing his mates etc and seemed to have no interest in life.
Last year I got "the speech" - BD No1 - I am not happy I want a divorce, ILYBNILWY. Of course OW in background. She was married with 2 kids and I think he realised that it probably would never work. We reconciled but things didn't seem to change, I tried to reach him but he just got more and more distant. We went to 1 counselling session but he didn't want to do it anymore, and said "we'll be fine" stupidly I let it go.
Fast forward to July of this year, I can see he is really shutting down and doing all the things from his first affair. I try to reach him againg but I got BD2 first week of August. Finally admitted there was OW 2 on 5th September but refused to tell me who. I have found out it is a woman he had a sexual relationship (not a GF or anything she was just the town bike that had issues and was passed around from one guy to the next) with approx 18 years ago before we met.
He keeps telling me he is unhappy with me, she makes him happy, she's just a friend, this isn't about sex etc. Or at least he did I haven't initiated any relationship talks for 2 weeks. This time is really scaring me, I think he is in full blown MLC. This woman is single albeit with 2 kids. She doesn't mind wrecking relationships, in fact she is known for it. She had to move 120 miles away to get away from her reputation here it's so bad. He knows about her and her behaviour and yet still drives to see her every weekend and two or three nights a week and commutes into work.
He is much more serious about her than I realised at the start. This time he has told his Mum about our split (scared to do it last time) and moved into his Mum's ostensibly although he is spending every single moment he can with OW. Having said that he hasn't told anyone of OW. Because he has stopped seeing his mates over the last couple of years, she is the only one that has his ear.
We work together so see each other Mon-Fri, 9-5 and I am trying to do the DB stuff, but I am just so scared I feel like it is immobilising me. One moment I want to run for the hills and divorce him, next I want to wait for him. I am sure he will see it for what it is one day but I also wonder if he will be able to do all that I want to R in the future. I realise I wasn't over the first affair and although he went through the motions of trying to be patient I don't think he really understood how insecure I was, or how much it screwed me up.
Currently as I work with him and his Mum I have asked for some time and space to decide what I want to do. He said his ideal situation would be that he'd be living on his own (yeah right) but I'd still work at our business. I am going on holiday on my own at the end of October, should've been a romantic break for us both, but he doesn't want to go. Won't stop me from going but I am wondering if I can decide what to do. His Mum and he are expecting an answer about whether I stay at the business by then.
Sorry for long post. Any advice would be most gratefully recieved. ND
Ugh - so sorry! It's rotten that you have to deal with both your marriage breaking down AND your job collapsing.
So - first things first:
You can't control what he does right now - the only thing you have control over is YOU. So it's a good time to work on the new, improved version of yourself. Take stock - what do you need to work on? Are there things you need to improve? Habits you need to change? Is it time for a new hairdo, a weight loss program, time to take up an exciting new hobby? You need to shake up his image of who you are - he's making assumptions about you, prove him wrong!
Stick to the high road - you want him to see you as strong and heroic through this crisis.
You can do all this stuff even if you're not sure you'd want him back - because even if you don't, it still feels good to have them realize what a catch you were and how stupid they were to lose you. And if you do move on, you'll end up being that much better a catch for someone else.
This is an opportunity for change and growth - horrible as it seems - and the more you take advantage of that, the better you will do.
As for the work situation - what are your options? Do you own part of the business? What might you be awarded in a divorce? How easy would it be for you to find employment in another similar business, or start your own? I certainly wouldn't give up the job, no matter how awkward, until you knew you would be taken care of financially.
Do you have children? Do the two of you own any assets, like house, retirement plans, etc.?
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
When you dive in and read a whole bunch of other peoples threads you will get a better overall picture of what you should do. Get the Divorce Remedy book , for sure. It sounds like you night already have it.
Hang in there and make your decisions based on what is best for you. Like she said above, take good care of yourself. The detachment thing is powerful. Work on it. Own your emotions.
Most of all know you have posted on a board with wonderful people who will help you navigate this tricky situation.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Norfolkdumpling, I'm sorry you are here w/us, but we have a great group of posters who are on the same path w/you and will be able to assist you along the way.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to reason w/him right now. He is thinking w/the wrong "head" and the infatuation has a very strong hold on him. Also, as his friend, she is validating him and his feelings about life in general. People who flip the switch and go into mlc, tend to look at us as the "enemy", therefore conversations w/the ow/om tends to valiadate the mlcer's feelings/thoughts. He sees her as a friend because he feels "safe" talking to her because she really doesn't know the true story of what your life was life before the BD. They are living in a fantasy world and can tell each other anything and they will believe it.
What you need to do is figure out what you want to do. Do you want to continue working at the same business? If so, you can do it, but it's going to be difficult being around him every day and trying to put on a happy face. Do you have constant contact w/him at work? How does his mother fit into the picture? Is she a supervisor or owner? If not, what she thinks shouldn't enter into your decision process as to whether you stay or go. I suggest that you find another position before walking out the door, if you can hold out that long. But, that's my two cents.
Go on your vacation and try to enjoy yourself. You'll have ample time to think about what you want to do. Just remember, when in doubt about something, do nothing. Sometimes sitting still and quietly will provide the answers you need.
The mlc journey is not for the faint of heart. It will twist you into knots if you allow it, but you also will come out stronger and wiser than before you began this journey. You will be surprised at how strong you are, but you first need to learn how to detach, focus on yourself, and the most important key...patience. You will not reach the finish line today, tomorrow or next week. It will take quite some to get there and we will be here to pick you up when you stumble and cheer you on.
First and foremost...take care of yourself, i.e., eat, get plenty of rest and exercise. You need to stay healthy to get through this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The mlc journey is not for the faint of heart. It will twist you into knots if you allow it, but you also will come out stronger and wiser than before you began this journey You will be surprised at how strong you are, but you first need to learn how to detach, focus on yourself, and the most important key...patience. You will not reach the finish line today, tomorrow or next week. It will take quite some to get there and we will be here to pick you up when you stumble and cheer you on.
READ AND REREAD THIS, SHE IS SO RIGHT.......many wise people in here who will help you..... Good luck on your journey......
Thank you so much guys, I appreciate your words of support.
I have found strength that i never knew I possessed in the last year, no doubt I will find more. I realise I made many mistakes in my marriage, I was going through my own "transition" but it didn't involve infidelity just personal growth.
Like all LBS I wish I had a time machine, but I still wonder how on earth I was meant to ommunicate with someone who couldn't articulate their feelings. I realise I am a control freak and this whole s**tty ride leaves me way outside my comfort zone.
So, I have ordered lots of books, I have dug out the DB book and started reading it again. I am trying to exercise each day, eat when I can, (I need to lose at least 40lbs so that's not a massive issue ) and I am doing relaxation/meditation.
Truthfully I know I will be ok, I just don't want to love him still!!!!!
It's ok to still love him. I think the more we try to styfel that the more backslides we have. I mean come on, our spouses decided to launch into outer space and sling shot around the mood for heavens sake! It's worth a pout or two.
The only advice I can give is really work on understanding how this crisis truly is about THEM and not YOU. Damn near impossible to grasp when all they do is point the finger at you and blame you for everything up from sunrise to sunset. But as you realize how irrational their thinking is, as well as the behavior, etc, it really becomes clear it's about them.
That's when things get a little easier, detatchment becomes easier, and then the real healing can start.
just reading your posts - your sitch sounds like mine with the two ow - the latest being from olden days. my h is apparently (possibly?) in "love" with someone from twenty or more years ago. it's serious i guess- i had no idea - really... i lament my stupidty and trust. i think i contributed to it too - not being more savvy and being too darn trusting and dopey, how the heck can we know every minute what the heck is REALLY going on with anyone not telling us??/ i got no communication about feelings, etc.- he said he was fine- i believed him. he wasn't anything like fine- he was haveing online relationships made really easy by the stupid computer- and they were gtting into dangerous territory.
i, like you, am floating along- trying to do this. feeling better than a year ago- still hate the thought of hating him- hate the thought of loving him. if i could just tell my brain not to wake me up in the night expecting some "answer" or solution - and let me sleep- i'd do lots better.
it's sure a wierd and up and down thing- the mlc - db. if i had not picked up this book by mwd - i'd be gone from his life i am sure. it gave me a little grain of hope- i guess since i went with trying it, i must care for him still more than i'd like to.
he is crazy and blind- if we stop having each other in our lives- it will be tragic for both of us( i think). i am not sure he will ever realize that- it's a 50-50 crap shoot. i can't believe i find myself in this pitiful life. but something to at least try is waaay better than just admitting defeat and slinking away.
my own thoughts are something like I don't want to just "hand him over" without even a "fight" of some sort. poor words- but you get my idea. about your working situation- do you think it's worth your while to keep yourself being in his face every day so he has no choice but remember how great you are??? i wonder if just cutting them loose makes it too darn easy to just switch sides -?? (my gut)
i spend alot of time away- not by choice- just in a bad scenario and feeling unable to change it at the moment- it's not good, being apart too much. I feel like you that some of my own actions have contributed alot to this awful place i find myself in.
i think we all do our best mostly- making decisions as they come along in life - who can ever forsee all the possible eventualityies that might occur. i'd say try not to blame yourself too much- i just thought i'd throw in my support here- sorry to find you here- sorry to find us all here- but i "run here" whenever i'm spinnign out of control and need some voice of reason to say- it's worth a try. people who are trying the same thing- however hard and seemingly hopeless (for me anyway) sometimes. it's something to try-
Norfolk, Nero and Kimmerz gave good advice. To echo, are you going to give up without a fight? Can you live with that regardless of what the outcome is?
Re-read Kimmerz post and know it is not about you. There may be things for you to work on (control freak?) but that doesn't mean it's about you. That frees you to work on you
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
