Okay. Just dealing with some mental hurdles is all. (and I am always trying to be a little funny). I did sort of forget about the hot and cold thing, but am back on track now. It's just that I spent years trying to find love in this relationship, as I was not very good at loving (in the emotional sense). And now that I have spent all this time and energy, she's like... yeah whatever. I was perfectly content to play the field until little tyke number 1 came around. I feel like I already spent years struggling with this, but I guess it was her filling my love tank. And know it's like she siphoned the tank. Bottom line is that I am still trying to stick it out a little longer. And she is softening toward me, at least until she opens her mouth to talk.
Okay.. I am very irritated at my W right now. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle today. It has been months since she ended the affair, but she still says she feels nothing for me. Still says she is not sexually attracted to me. Except when she is, and then she says its purely physical. And when prodded last night she told be that she is still feeling hurt and pain at the loss of this douche. And she doesn't know if she can feel anything for me. Can I live in a loveless marriage? Do I need to? I have a big career change coming up in the coming year. I feel a lot of stress about that, and I need to know what we are doing as a couple to help me make my career choice. She says I should act as though I have three kids and need a job, and not worry about us. I am very irritated by this. Her comments about us are as if nothing we had was real and that I never wanted to be with her. But the life I gave up to be with her can never come back, so it as if she has destroyed both the life I have with her and the life I could have lived had we not built a life together. but all and all I am still fighting. She is still here, but still morning the loss of this douche. And I keep questioning my resolve.
Read "After the Affair" it'll help you and your W understand things.
Have you learned anything from him? There must have been a reason why she was attracted to him. Find that out and see if there was a need that he fulfilled that you don't.
Have the two of you gone into C?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
BTW, you shouldn't hold all responsibility with the OM. Your W willingly went into the relationship. If you don't see the emotional investment she had in it and get to that point yourself, you'll miss the boat.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes, she was emotionally involved with him. He was her high school old flame. And there wasn't as much as aggression in their relationship, she also felt like she could speak with him safely, but does not feel that with me. But she won't let me in. And when she does let me in now, it is a lot of feelings about this guy, which I really can't be sympathetic toward or feel right about. We had a counselor, but will have to find a new one.
He's passive and I'm aggressive. She doesn't like the confrontations between us. But I never met him. He was never in the same state as me (he should probably keep it that way) It was mostly an online affair. Though they did meet once in person during that time.
The real betrayal is that she has kept an emotional flame on for this guy for the entire 9 years or so that we have been together. That is how he could slip back into her life so easily when she felt distanced from me.
"she has kept an emotional flame on for this guy for the entire 9 years "
That's why you're feeling the way you are. You keep saying this to yourself which negates any positive interactions you've had with her for the past 9 years. C'mon be honest. The majority of the time you were with you, it was the both of you just being devoted to each other.
When you start saying things like what you just did, you start turning into the WAS and can ONLY see the negative and forget the positives.
So what is it that she finds attractive about this guy? Seriously you could learn a thing here and have the perfect opportunity to do so. But that's up to you. If you don't have the patience, like you've shown before, then you should file.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
by the way, in order for the two of you two completely heal from betrayal, it's estimated that it takes at least one month of healing for every year you've been married. Read up on affairs and you'll understand.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't really want to know what she sees in this guy. She says I'm a 'hot head' and I suspect that he is not. i think that she was just trying to find a way out of the relationship and he was the way. Right now her talk is all about how she never thought our marriage would last. And she was speaking with this guy in private only a year after we were married (claims that this was not an affair at the time, just talking, but it wasn't a commitment to us for sure). She ended it that time without my knowledge and then started up again just after the birth of our third child. Its an emotional thing for her. I think something to do with hormones. But I really need a commitment from her to continue. I'm tired of playing the blame game. You did this to me, I did this to you, blah, blah.. Regardless of what I did before the marriage, when I asked to marry her and married her, I committed to the marriage and it is plain that she did not. I need her to commit to me or tell me that she can not. That is the point that I am at now. But I will give her time to make that decision. I don't think this is too much to ask of your spouse. Do you?
