Well I seem to be good at sabatoging my own progress. The simple act of putting my arm around my W last night led to a major argument in which she revealed that 1) she does not love me, 2) does not have the emotions she needs to have sex with me, and 3) only has been having sex with me to get me off her back for a while. So, although I posted that I felt I was backing off, this was not so clear to my W. All irritating and not new information. But she further informed me that she never wanted to have my babies, just wanted to have babies, which was a low blow. And that she wished she hadn't spent her granny's inheritance (something that I had actually advised against) so that she could leave if she wanted to. We talked it out with our counselor this morning and smoothed some of it over, but I still feel that whatever progress was being made may have collapsed then and there. I don't feel like I am getting my emotional needs met in the relationship and have considered finding someone else to fulfill those needs. (And this is not about sex, but about affection and affirmation). My W doesn't seem to be able to do that as she doesn't want that from me. My counselor has suggested that she is still grieving the loss of her affair partner and only time can heal that wound. I however am finding myself tired of waiting. Her tactic of wait and see doesn't seem to have led her anywhere in the past 2 months that she says she's been trying. Some tactics to help me wait this out, and not fall into the arms of one of my nubile young co-workers, would be very nice.
In MLC land, they always say believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do.....
And that the challenge is to make her love you again.
If she wants to stay married there will be a point where she will realize that she has to work on her feelings. Love is always romanticized in movies, etc. but truth to tell it needs to be worked on too.
If you are willing to stay and work it out, I'd say be patient and don't expect anything. Be someone that only a fool would leave. Be lovable and patient. Don't pressure her into feeling something for you. You have to accept that the affair would not have happened if she were still "in love" with you but thats not all there is to a marraige.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
If your wife is not interested in ML with you, would she be opposed if you both agreed to each date other people?
NOT that I'm advocating this, but I wonder what would happen if you called her bluff in this regard. I mean, if SHE doesn't want to have sex with you, surely she doesn't expect you to sit there and remain celibate, does she?
In my own sitch, when we were briefly separated and I FINALLY agreed to my wife's supposed wish for us to each date other people . . . wow, you should see how fast she changed her mind. LIGHTING fast. But I only did that because I thought I was truly DONE -- no longer fighting for my marriage -- and only because we each agreed to it up front. That's where I happen to draw my own moral boundary.
I meant you should file if you really don't think you can last in the long run. It's possible, but you have to be strong enough to stay consistent and understanding. Alot of the crazy stuff she's saying is basically a defense mechanism. She hurts so she wants you to hurt. It's messed up, but it's the way things are.
You sound like you really rely on someone to give you love and affection and can't stand on your own independence. If not, then you should file and get someone new. Of course, that relationship won't exactly be perfect either in terms of meeting YOUR needs either.
Just saying.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You sound like you really rely on someone to give you love and affection and can't stand on your own independence.
I can see where you would get that from my post, but to clarify. I have spent the majority of my relationship with my emotions in reserve. Before this relationship I was harshly independent,and it took me years to open up to my W. I have been expending a lot of emotional energy lately, maybe more than I have expended on any other emotional cause in my life. So I am tired. Maybe ready to give up the emotional fight. But I am worried about where that will put me. Like putting a genie back in the bottle. Will I lose my ability to feel again?
The simple act of putting my arm around my W last night led to a major argument
Are you surprised? Did you already forget the hot/ cold post? Go back and read it again. Remember, when she goes cold your reaction should be half, not double.
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All irritating and not new information. But she further informed me that she never wanted to have my babies, just wanted to have babies, which was a low blow. And that she wished she hadn't spent her granny's inheritance (something that I had actually advised against) so that she could leave if she wanted to.
Remember not to agree or disagree with things like this, just validate her emotions. This is a great time to show her how good of a listener you are.
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We talked it out with our counselor this morning and smoothed some of it over, but I still feel that whatever progress was being made may have collapsed then and there.
"Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold."
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I don't feel like I am getting my emotional needs met in the relationship and have considered finding someone else to fulfill those needs.
No one said DB'ing was easy. In fact most people readily point out that it's extremely difficult. In The 5 Love Languages terms, we're working on filling our spouse's love tanks while ours remain completely empty. It's an investment, we're working on them with the hopes that our tanks will get filled later. It's also a bit of a gamble because we don't even know if we can get our spouses back. That doesn't mean you have to be celibate forever, but I would suggest giving it a few more months first.
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Some tactics to help me wait this out, and not fall into the arms of one of my nubile young co-workers, would be very nice.
Not sure if you meant it to be funny, but I got a chuckle out of that
