Acceptance - My next challenge.

[Arsene]

Time to start a new thread.

Here are links to my previous threads:



1st thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...078#Post2268078

2nd thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...709#Post2269709

3rd thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2275638&page=1

4th thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2280944&page=1

In this thread I think I need to explore what I need to do to better cope with the situation while sticking to my plan.

Through my meditation classes I came across "Acceptance" as a way to help focus on my life. Acceptance is the kindness, generosity and openness in the understanding that what is simply is.

To ask the question about why my mind is clouded, what provokes the thoughts troubling my soul, and simply let the question answer itself with the knowledge that it will. There is a certain peace in this. It's what I strive to reach over the next few weeks.

[Arsene]

I posted this on my old thread and would still appreciate your thoughts on it. Thanks for your time.

Hi everyone,

It's been a very quiet weekend on this board and, fortunately (I guess) on the home front as well.

So quiet in fact that I ended up doing some searches on the internet for the sake of seeing what I could do around here to save my relationship in the event my W decided to reconsider her position.

I came across the Retrouvaille program and it turns out it is offered in Singapore, which would make it feasible for us. Also, they just happen to have one of their three weekends a year on the weekend of our anniversary (it'll be our 10th) at the beginning of April 2013.

Now I know what you are going to say about setting my own timelines for things but for the time being, it's just a questions I have about the program and goals setting.

First, about the Retrouvaille program. Can this program work even if one of the spouses isn't 100% sure that they want to save the couple? What I want to know is, if I can convince my W to give it another try and if she came just to humour me (like many S seem to do with MC), would we still get something out of it?

What kind of activities are involved? I heard that there was a strong religious angle but that it was possible not to take part in certain activities. From what I read, the one in Singapore, being in a small multicultural city/state, is geared more toward a wider range of people.

Now, about goal setting. Is it unreasonable to set such a long term goal as:

"I would like my W to agree to come to the Retrouvaille program in April 2013"

I know, reading it now, doesn't sound reasonable. What could I do to make this happen? I guess it'll be up to her and how the sitch evolves between now and then.

I invite your thoughts on this. Thanks.

[MrBond]

"Can this program work even if one of the spouses isn't 100% sure that they want to save the couple?"

Yes.

"What I want to know is, if I can convince my W to give it another try and if she came just to humour me (like many S seem to do with MC), would we still get something out of it?"

Depends on you two. There are no guarantees.

"What kind of activities are involved?"

Call them. The activities are bound to be a little different than what's offered in the states.

"I heard that there was a strong religious angle but that it was possible not to take part in certain activities. From what I read, the one in Singapore, being in a small multicultural city/state, is geared more toward a wider range of people."

That's why you need to contact them directly.

"Now, about goal setting. Is it unreasonable to set such a long term goal as:"I would like my W to agree to come to the Retrouvaille program in April 2013"

I don't think it's bad to set it as a goal. But we haven't seen any small goals from you yet any way.

[Breakdown]

First, about the Retrouvaille program. Can this program work even if one of the spouses isn't 100% sure that they want to save the couple? What I want to know is, if I can convince my W to give it another try and if she came just to humour me (like many S seem to do with MC), would we still get something out of it?

What kind of activities are involved? I heard that there was a strong religious angle but that it was possible not to take part in certain activities. From what I read, the one in Singapore, being in a small multicultural city/state, is geared more toward a wider range of people.

We did one in the states this summer and my W wasn't really committed to it. In fact, we actually fought about it during the session. It's been maybe 3 months since our weekend and things are still pretty rocky.

For us, there was a lot of thinking and talking involved...and I'm talking heavy lifting. These three days are work. There is an element of faith, including some prayers, but it's not overbearing.

With that said, I'd still highly recommend the program. For me, I'd already done most of the work we went thru on some level, but it was really good to see I was on the right path. I was hoping that my W would embrace it too, but ultimately it's a choice and they actually teach that in the class. To forgive is a choice. To love is a choice. To trust is a choice. You and your W have to be willing to make these choices.

It's pretty amazing to see the affect it has on some people. We had one couple with us that were weeks from divorce, they were just waiting on the court date to complete and this was there "no regrets" last deal. Over the course of two days, this couple reconnected and recommitted themselves to their marriage....it's pretty inspiring to see it first hand. Unfortunately, there are plenty of stories where it didn't help too, so keep your expectations low.

[AnotherStander]

Retrouvaille is going to be in my area next month, so I was contemplating this myself and struggling with whether it would have value for my R. I did a lot of reading on these forums and elsewhere and the conclusion I came to was that Retrouvaille renders amazing results when both spouses are willing to work on the R, but poor results when one spouse isn't interested in reconciliation. They advertise a 90% restoration rate, but that's only if the couples went to all the followup meetings and that only happens when both spouses are committed to it. In the end I decided against it, I'm positive my W would just see it as applying more pressure to reconcile and it would end up being a big backslide in my DB'ing.

[chatterbug]

Don't do it if she is having the affair

[Breakdown]

Don't do it if she is having the affair

Agreed. That is one of the requirements...any affairs or relationships have to be over and any abuse of any kind needs to have been dealt with separately.

[breakdownbill]

You can't get sentimental about reaching a 10yr anniversary Arsene. This program would only help if the affair is over as Chatterbug and Breakdown are saying.

April is a long way away, anything could happen before then, but if you can't make plans with your w next weekend because of everything, you should question why you think you might be able to next year.

Just stick to your path and keep on being a good dad to your daughter for now.

She needs to end the affair before anything can happen between you and your W.

Bill

[MrBond]

What about your short term goals and plan?

[Arsene]

Thanks guys,

I realize the the affair needs to be over before I can even think about planning this sort of weekend retreat. It's just a thought that crossed my mind and that I got toying with. Yes Bill, I did get a bit sentimental over the fact that one of the scheduled programs was on our anniversary but what can I do? I'm a romantic fool.

Bond, re: setting small goals, I haven't posted them but I have been setting small goals all along for myself. They include the following:

• I want to no get angry for a day;
  I haven't been angry in over a week now and I repeat this one everyday.
• I want to no think negative thoughts about my wife;
  I haven't had any of those in about 2 weeks and I still repeat this one everyday.
• I want to stop judging and criticizing;
  I haven't been very good at meeting this one for over 2 weeks
• I want to be more patient and learn how to wait;
  I have been good with this one but I have the occasional relapse when waiting for D8 to get ready to go to school
• I want to be more generous;
  I have tried hard to give more freely, of my time as well as sharing things and money
• I want to spend more time playing with D8;
  I have been setting time to play with D8 (her games-not mine) everyday. It's been a bit more difficult since I started working but I have been successful daily for a long time now.
• I want to not think about OM;
  This has been difficult but again, when ever I have an OM thought, I find ways to chase it so as to not affect my PMA

Recently I visited Zip's thread on goal setting and I have come up with the following:

• 1)I will accept the fact that I cannot control W’s actions;
  a)Whenever I get negative thoughts about what W is doing and how she’s living her life, I will remind myself that there is nothing I can do about it and focus on projects I’ve set for myself (clearing the back yard to build playground, do gardening, build compost bin, landscape backyard, learn new songs for repertoire, write songs, start student club, teach English to local kids).
  b)This will stop me for feeling down and sorry for myself whenever I think about what W is doing and it will give me a push on working on myself.
• 2)I will spend more time interacting in a fun way with D8.
  a)I will set a time everyday when D8 and I do something together. I will look for interesting activities we can do together (making movies with puppets, treasure hunts, flying her kite, riding our bicycles, going to the pool, just playing with her doll house or her train tracks) so that our time together is quality time.
  b)This will help me focus on what is important instead of thinking about my sitch. It will also make sure D8 doesn’t feel let down by her parents.
• 3)I will not get depressed.
  a)Whenever I feel these emotions coming to me for whatever reasons, I will focus on what’s good about my life (D8, my new house, my music, my job, my friends, my meditation classes) and tap into the peace and happiness I have within.
  b)This will allow me to feel upbeat and cheerful most of my days. It will also translate to better PMA when alone and with others, including W and D8.
• 4)I will seek opportunities to meet new people.
  a)I will seek and join clubs and groups (4X4 club, Motorcycle club, Toastmasters) and make an effort to attend meetings no matter how I feel. I will also contact old friends (J, L, T, B,D) and try to re-enter old circles.
  b)This will help me GAL and keep me busy so I won’t be thinking about my sitch all the time.
  
  I know I'm not very good at formulating goals but I've been good at following them (most of the time, anyway)
  
  I have been reluctant to set goals which include some sort of feed back or reaction from my wife. I have seen some of these written by others but i feel that my wife is too unpredictable for me to make proper assessment of what is working and not working.
  
  However, mentally I had wished that W would reconnect with D8 and that she might offer to spend more time doing "family things" with us. Over he last few days she has done both but I refuse to get excited about it because I feel it might not be permanent.
  
  I welcome your comments on these goals Bond (and others too). Thanks.