3 years aftet D-Day and i finally registet

[Am I Too Late]

We began dating in Fall of 2001 and our 1st kiss was December 5th 2001.

We got engaged in March 2002 at Disney World in front of the castle.

She became pregnant on her birthday on May 19th 2001.

She moved in with me in June 2002.

Son born February 2003.

We were both in AA and had gotten to know each other after meetings at restaurants along with her mother who was also in AA, for the previous 6 months.

December 2004 we bought a new House/Home in a very nice neighborhood.

I was self employed as a contractor and scaled down my business when Little Eddie started Pre-School so i could take him to school every day and still do now that he started 4th Grade.

I always took and did equal responsibility from changing diapers to anything else to help out in his child care.

2008 she stopped going to AA meetings at the beginning of the year.

Throughout the 1st 7-8 years together we Never had an argument which in hindsight i now know was a problem, because she either stuffed the problems internally or discussed them with her mom instead of dealing with them directly with me. Her mom would soothe her down and tell her that i might have meant something else than what she had presumed.

All of her journal writings and cards to me for this 2001 through beginning of 2008 stated how i made her feel more loved and adored than by anyone else in her entire life and that she had more than she could have ever asked, dreamed or prayed for and that i was her soulmate.

By the way, i was 43 and she was 25 when we 1st met.

Right after Thanksgiving of 2008, her mom was hospitalized and remained there till February 7th when she passed away. One week earlier, they had her go home for a day because they thought she would be released shortly.

My wife lived at the hospital at her bedside the entire duration and was broke down physically and emotionally. Her mom was in a medically induced coma for a long time while there.

I took care of our son and asked if i should be at the hospital more often with

I asked her if she wanted me to be at the hospital more with my wife, but she insisted that she just wanted to be alone their. My Big Mistake!!!

On way home from Labor Day 3 day trip to my parents, she upsets me with repeated comments about referring me to use a particular mechanic, but forewarns me that he and her used to drink together and she would often wake up in bed with him and say, Oh Chit, i did it again. This theme was repeated over 6 times and was really pizzing me off. Whats the purpose of repeating this to me?

Now to Labor Day weekend 2009. Our 1st argument. She points out she is not happy in the marriage. She points out that I dropped her on the face of the earth when her mom was sick and after she died. She also points out some of my poor characteristics of how i dealt with things around the house and says that i dont do enough to help out at home.

I am completely perplexed, but proclaim that someday we will both look back at this day and say it was the best thing to happen in our marriage, because now i finally know what she expects of me.

3 weeks go by and i am doing alot of extra things daily but i discover a spiral notebook on the kitchen table containing love poems an letters between her and an ex-boyfriend fforrom when she was 17 years old who happened to be the 1st guy she had sex with. They were talking about how they soon would be married and i discovered internet browser links searching for a 3 bedroom apartment in the area where he lived.

Another thing, when her mom seemed like she could come home, i agreed that she could live with us and i would clean out our dining room and make it into a bedroom for her. Also, after her mom died, i had her younger sister move into our home with no expenses required.


Also, after my wifes moms wake, she reacquainted herself with old high school friends anf at least once per month she stayed out till 1:00 the next afternoon. I didnt like it but she was grieving severely so i accepted it without complaint and always took care of our son when she wss gone.

I discovered that she had been texting that guy over 4,000 times per month since January 2009.


When i asked her when she got home at 1:00 in the afternoon if she would stop beibg in touch with that guy so we can see about working on our marriage, she said, I dont think i can do that. It wouldn't be fair to him. WTF??? Months later i found something she wrote about him..... Ah, finally. Harmonious Love At Last.
Then on December 5th 2009, i discover texts betwern her and anothrr guy that she was going to meet when she was supposed to pick up her sister from work. This guy was a long time group friend and her Best Friends on again off again boyfriend. She texted that she just needed to be in his arms tonight, because he is the only guy for her.

I need a break. I am tired of typing on my cell phone. I will fill in the rest later today, so please be patient.

God Bless

[AnotherStander]

Can you add some more details, such as are you both still living together or are you separated? Are you wanting to save the marriage and she wants to leave?

Also, have you read DB and DR yet?

[KarenR]

It is never too late! That is what Michele and her coaches say. I am sorry you are having a difficult time, but talking to a DB coach can help you come with a plan immediately that can make all the difference in 'getting through to her'. If she has dropped out of AA, it is important that you work with someone that understands addictions and addictive behavior. please ask me about a coach with that expertise. take good care and I would look forward to talking to you.

[Am I Too Late]

Thank you for the reply Karen. I just noticed it on my Watched List, but I need to check and see if it has shown up in the actual forum yet.

[Am I Too Late]

Correction on when she got Pregnant with our son.

She became pregnant on her birthday on May 19th 2002.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

So, just to slightly continue my story.....

From September, 2009, I have not been able to think straight and allowed my Thought Disorder to manifest itself so deeply, that i could not do anything except for research how to fix things up in our marriage and I tried to do alot more around the house and continued to take our son to school every day as I always had, but I had NO desire to concentrate on work at all.

Dang, i really allowed my own self to screw my life up financially.

Sooo many thought running through my head right now as to trying to piece together this past 3 years events, which I suppose are mostly irrelevant now.

I continued to attend to our son, signed him up for Cub Scouts and Catechism Religious Classes in 2009 when he started 1st grade and take him to Church most every Sunday. We go on campouts with the scouts and also attend all of the other Pack functions and he enjoys his friendships quite a bit.

My wife moved out of the home about 7 months and 1 day ago without giving any advance notice, with the exception that she was continually completely depressed while at home and taking anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and allergy pills that make her fall asleep, so basically, when she was home she was just sleeping in the recliner chair and that was it.

Slightly after we attended Marriage Counseling in February 2010, which lasted 6 months before her job schedule changed her mind about going anymore, she "Friended" that 1st Cheating Partner on her Facebook Page. WTF???

I Hate Facebook!!!!! Nah, it just makes a cheating experience easier to hide away as do many other sites, like Reunion.com and Classmates.com and MyLife.com.


I detached pretty well after she moved out, but still kept her informed about the ongoings of our son, who she gratefully left with me to take carwe of. But, her visits with her own son have been extremely sporadic, usually averaging betwee 26 to 36 days apart without ANY contact with him at al, not even a phone call.

Recently, she went 61 datys without any phone call or visit to him.

Our son seems to be doing finem, but I am always on the alert for any signs of problems. Last year during the sprin of his 3rd grade, his teacher commented about a lack of attention and focus, so I had the school social worker check in with him each day with a check in-check out program they have there.

Dang, we had the PERFECT life that everyone would have been envious of.

I Still believe that the caompassionate and moral person who I married a long time ago is still there inside somewhere and I want to be there for her when she resurfacves, if its not too late.

She has been doing alot of drinking and even her own sister told me that she never realized how much of a drinking problem that my wife had until she saw how much she drank over this past summer.

My own personal beliefs is that when she dropped out of AA her thinking started to turn a slight bit more negative, but add on top of that, when her mom got sick, was hospitalized, was put into a medically incuced coma, and then seemed to be getting better enough so that they were considering sending her home in 1 week, then she passed away, that the schock was beyond my wifes coping mechanisms and she had dropped her support group that she could have turned to.

Taking a break from typing now.

I hope I get off of moderation soon, so I can see my thread.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Marriage counseling had its ups and downs emotionally, especially for my wife. Her consistent theme was that the only thing that will make her happy is getting a divorce. After 3 1/2 months of MC, she put a Big Smiley Face in her journal. This was the same week that she cooked 2 meals for me. She had not anything since the end of 2008 through May 2010.

Then the day after she cooked the 2nd meal, i got a phone call from her former best friend for over the past 20 years. My wife had promised that she would not be in contact with her friends boyfriend, but this girl told me that a b-b-q my wife attended that the guy was there the whole time. This is the guy from December 5th, who she was going to stop by to Be In His Arms, Cuz He Eas Tje Only Guy For Het.

I called her about the b-b-q and she said he was just showing up when she and our son were leaving.

2 months later she delayed or cancelled MC temporarily, but in actuality it was over. When she was supposed to be starting her school bus driving job in August, she said she was going to stop off at her Grandmas. 15 minuted after she left our home, we were talking on the phone and i heard a train whistle. No trains near Grandmas, but there is one by that guys house. I drove there and thought it was her car in the back of the driveway, but drove to the other side of gown to check out Grandmas 1st, just to be sure. 2 minutes after i get there, she pulls screeching in and we have a loud exchange. She threw her wedding ring at me and i felt defeated and done.

I barely remember the rest of the time frame from then till she moved out in February, 2012.

Taking a break from typing on the cell phone again.

[Am I Too Late]

Another thing..... When mother-in-law was in the hospital 3 1/2 years ago, my wife said 6 months later that i dropped her on the face of the earth. I thought i was doing the right things by picking up our son from her and also paying for all of her gasoline and 2 thousand dollars in car repairs and a carton of cigarettes each week.

I definitely realize i should have been at the hospital more and would do anything to go back and do it all over again.

On several nights per week i was staying at my office very late working with my website developer and also was in the middle of starting an online contractor to homeowners site.

She is right. I could have and should have been home more for her.

Now, she is still holding on to deep anger and resentments towards me. No matter what i have done to make amends to her for that and how sincerely i have said i am sorry, she still says that she is not sure she can ever forgive me, but at least she says she believes me and also recently admitted that she knows i did not do anything intentionally to hurt her.

I felt like she was pushing me away when i wanted to reach out to her. I didnt know at that time that she already had been texting her old boyfriend 4,000 times pet month and talking to him 20 to 40 hours per month also.

I hear she has a current new boyfriend for the past 4 to 5 months too. I dont know if that would be considered a rebound relationship or not.

Since her sister intervened 2 weeks ago to get her to finally call and visit our son, we have been texting in a friendly manner, usually when she initiates it.

She is supposed to visit here Thursday night and we may talk because she wanted to for a change. I asked about what? She said, everything.

I still have not been served the divorce papers, but i know her lawyer filed them on January 6th of this year.

I am trying to get my company started again awaiting general liability insurance quotes on a less than shoe string budget.

[AnotherStander]

I'd say 3 years is too long to let this continue affecting you to the point that it's harming your finances. You've got to detach in a major way and pursue your own life. She is probably in MLC compounded by alcoholism. Sounds like her mom's death may have triggered depression and unhappiness which she then blamed on you. If given enough time she could sort this out, but the alcohol may be preventing her from seeing clearly enough to do that. She sounds like a trainwreck, you can't do anything but work on yourself and let her sort things out for herself.

[AnotherStander]

I'd say 3 years is too long to let this continue affecting you to the point that it's harming your finances. You've got to detach in a major way and pursue your own life. She is probably in MLC compounded by alcoholism. Sounds like her mom's death may have triggered depression and unhappiness which she then blamed on you. If given enough time she could sort this out, but the alcohol may be preventing her from seeing clearly enough to do that. She sounds like a trainwreck, you can't do anything but work on yourself and let her sort things out for herself.