This morning I had a talk with H about things that have been bothering me since he came back home....
Me: I need to speak to you...
H: ok, what's up
Me: Well there are things that have been bothering me since you came back home. The first one is you taking the cellphone into the bathroom, why? Are you texting her?
H: No, I play angry birds and I watch the news from there! Don't worry I'm not texting her, yesterday she texted me because she wanted to know how I was....
Me: Listen, that's another thing, you are still keeping in touch with her. If you want my trust back and really commit on our marriage you gotta stop all contact with her.
H: There's nothing going on between her and I. I'm not stupid to get back with her, she's a manipulative junkie.
Me: I'm not worried about her, I'm worried about you falling back into that lifestyle...I want you to be more open with me like we used to be.
H: I'm open with you, another man would've never told you what Ive been telling you.
After the conversation he kissed me goodbye and told me he was going to give me a ride to work later. My mother tells me to give it time and be more patient that he's going to eventually stop all contact with the OW.
Hi Amelie - I haven't followed your sitch but just read this post and the last page on your last thread.. it maybe a bit presumptous of me to just pop in and give my opinion - i hope you don't mind
i think you do know yourself that this is requiring a different strategy on your part.
I don't think your mother is right -giving him more time is only going to give him the message that he can do whatever.
the cell phone issue and not going to the doc and the going to friends and the way he explained it all - big red flags.
How are you in all of this? How strong do you really feel? It's only from a place of inner strength that you can truly set boundaries that are healthy for you. The boundary you may have to think about setting now, may not be the most appealing, but it may be the only way that you can avoid all of this happening all over again
take the time to focus on yourself - are you still gal'ing well?
sounds like a major pulling back on your part may be in order right now.
just my 2 cents zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Those big red flags have been bothering me and I was thinking of going to work early instead of accepting his ride. This weekend I stayed home to spend time with my little boy and do some major cleaning. I've been realizing that I was not GAL'ing enough ever since he came back. I think I should get back to business and see if he gets the message.
Well, I left early to work and when H arrived home he asked my mother where I was and that I agreed for a ride to work and why I left early. H called me 3 times and I didnt answer the cellphone but at the 4th time I did and the interrogation began:
H: hey, Ive been calling you, where are you?
Me: The office called because something happened
H: ok...by the way my car insurance called and I need you to lend me your credit card to pay for it (HELLS NO!)
Me: I'm sorry but I'm not gonna lend you my credit card for the following reason that I don't trust you. I don't trust you because you didnt go to the doctor last Saturday, I don't trust you because you came late the other night, I don't trust you because you are still talking to her. Until I see you are willing to work on us, I'm not gonna trust you. all I want from you is to be honest with me.
H:You know what, don't worry, I'll take care of my problems. I'm not with her anymore. I don't know, but I don't wanna feel like I'm in prison, I wanna feel like I'm home. About the other night that I came home late, I told you I had too many beers.
Me: I don't want you to feel like you are in a prison cell. I'm just asking you to be honest with me, to stop all communication with her.A marriage is between 2 persons not 3. SHe has a big drug problem and I don't want yob to waste your energy on that woman, where you should be focusing on me and your child.
H: Ok, don't worry I'm not involved with her anymore, I already explained it to you.
Me: I'm just asking you to commit in our marriage and be honest
H:I know, but I don't wanna see her die, I promise nothing is happening between her and I.
Me: She made a choice and no matter how many times you tell her to stop using drugs, she will continue using them.Because she will always think of her next fix, drugs are way more important to her than anything else. She's not your responsibility .
Just checking in. How are you doing and what's been happening?
Remember, this journey is not linear. You will take steps back once in a while as you move forward. And the turns sneak up on you. Don't get derailed by these things. Hang in and keep a good focus on what helps you be strong.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Hi Amelie, I know this is a difficult time. As well meaning as family and friends are, sometimes the advice they give is not what will actually be helpful in repairing your relationship. Since your husband is home now, it is the perfect time to talk to a DB coach and get very specific advice on what to say that will bring him closer and not push him further away (i.e. he says he feels like he is in prison). Please take advantage of your coaches expertise and make every interaction count. Please call me for more info and the discount that is now available. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Hi guys, I haven't been around in a while due that I got a nasty pneumonia and I'm feeling better now. H has been going to rehab center seeing a therapist twice a week, he gave me his password for his cellphone and has been introducing me as his "wife" once again to his co-workers or friends, H includes me in his future traveling plans. He hugs me and kisses me and has been very loving, there are days when he"s "moody" but I don't take it personally also there are days that I start to have crazy thoughts about H and the OW. H has also been responsible with managing his debts and chores. I've been exercising, going out with my friends or the little one whenever H doesn't feel like going out. There are things that bother me like he hasn't said that he loves me and it hurts me. H hasn't gone to the doctor for a physical exam because he always says "We need the money to pay the debts and I have no time."( Always making excuses at the last minute whenever he has an appointment).
These are very good signs!! ILY will no doubt come with time, just be patient. Sounds like you're piecing, that'll be a slow process with ups and downs, just stick with it! Congrats!!
Good stuff. Just echoing what is said above, don't get in too much of a hurry. The trend is very positive and it will still take a while for the negatives to fall away into normal stuff. Glad you're feeling better.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Next week is gonna be one of our mutual friend's birthday party and guess what? He invited that OW (she works with him and she's bff with his gf), now I'm feeling a bit insecure because H hasn't said that he loves me yet, and has been less affectionate these days, I don't know if he's acting that way towards me because of stress related to work or because he has a nasty cold or because with all the stress we have been experiencing due to our little one being sick? I just want to get these crazy thoughts out of my head...
