Hello everyone , Ive been lurking on here for a few weeks and thought its about time i joined up , in the hope of some of your excellent support and advice . Im not sure where to start my story really as my brain is still quite scrambled , but here goes ; Im from England but im in a simalar sitch to many folks on here . Ive been married to my W for 2 1/2 years and together for 6 . Last year just after our first anniversary , my wife dropped the bomb . ILYBNILWY . didnt want to talk about it didnt want to be around me etc etc . Bang a massive shock, she asked me to move out to give her some space . I obliged and went to my parents for 3 months . I was heartbroken, confused , rejected all those emotions .I sort counselling and had about 8 sessions , they were really helpfull . She didnt want any counselling , not for her , knows her own mind , doesnt need anyone to tell her how she should feel etc . I realized that i had issues { trust , low esteem ,) id brought them with me from a previous relationship 10 years earlier where id been cheated on . Anyway i realized it was unfair of me to portray my wife as someone who would do the same , and i set about being the nicest bloke i could possibly be around her . It was a long process , but gradually things got a lot better and i foolishly thought that we had managed to reconcilliate . About 12-13 months later , she dropped the bomb again , only now its i really care for you and your a lovely man but i just dont love you . Whats a bit different in my sitch is my W is saying its all her. Its not me its her to blame . Its just she doesnt love me like a W should love her H . She has been really honest with me from day 1 i think , and i 100% believe her when she says there isnt a 3rd party involved , im sure people have caught her eye but thats all. This time though it feels like she has completely checked out . I did all the things i shouldnt have and am going to try the 180 method . She says im very attentive husband , but we are wrong for each other . i have known for ages she isnt really into me at all in aphysical way . I feel like she isnt interested at all , and has her mind made up about a separation in the new year , she keeps saying lets just get to the end of the year and then try a trial separation , but one with hardly any contact . We have 2 girls 11 {my SD) and 5 my D Im 36 W 32 Together 6 Married 2 1/2 Sorry for the long opening message . Is this simalar to anyone elses predicament ?
Go forth with your 180. It will work only if you stay with it. I'm am in no way saying be mean to her, but she expects you to be nice, attentive, and caring. Take care of your self for a change. Join a gym, work out, run, find hobbies... I'm sorry, but it is apparent that you have low self esteem by some of your writings. Remember, there is a reason that she was with you for 6 years! You are probably one hell of a guy. Pick yourself up and take care of YOU. Remember to be kind, but throw a little "as-if" in there. She sees the low self esteem. Be more assertive, self loving and confident and i would almost guarantee she will notice!
Yes, and I know how much it hurts. Your only hope is to make sure you don't do things that will push her away even more.
Appear to not be working on the marriage.
Go on with your life, no waiting around for her to come around. Do more things with others and on your own. Have fun. Do things that you know would really surprise her and perk her interest, but don't pursue her... let her chase you.
Create an exciting life of your own. Improve your appearance. Have a happy, positive outlook. Create interest.
Watch and notice what catches her interest. What makes her curious? What positive actions does she initiate?
Being rejected probably left you feeling like trash, but you've got to pull it together and make yourself into someone she would be interested in being with. This is my plan right now.
Have you read DR or DB yet? Best wishes, and keep us posted.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks a_man_lost , Cadet and ForeverYoung for your kind replies . I understand that ive got to GAL of my own , as i have mainly relied on my W as my social outlet since we met . Which was great for a while but i know its unhealthy to mainly rely on her and it must have pressurised her a fair bit . She has a varied circle of friends and has a bubbly personality , and finds it strange that i dont really feel the need to have many friends to sociallise with outside of the M . Its not that i dont have any , i do , but when i met my W i had a bunch of mates whom id known for 10-15 years , and shortly before i met her ,id already realised I didnt really like many of them that much any more . I found them a bit idiotic, rude and like a phrase we have over here called "lager louts" , which basically means men who drink loads of beer and act like idiots . I was one my self but grew up a bit when i got to about 30 years old . So after i met my W i didnt want or need these guys . But now i know how important it is to have some good friends in your life to laugh with and take the stress out of life a bit . I have a good reasonable sized family and were all quite close too . a_m_l - yes you're right i do have low self esteem at times , it is something i battle with , and i understand i need to be confident and self assured . My W does notice this and she cant find it very attractive . Thanks for your kind words ForeverYoung and i intend to do more stuff for me , get fitter , go out more and just be a better bloke allround. I am reading DB but will get DR aswell. Its hard doing a 180 while were still under the same roof , but it cant hurt to try . That doesnt mean im going to turn into a mean person but ive got to start saying no a bit more and not let her have everything her way all the time . I think thats what has made her lose her respect for me, being a pushover . Anyway thanks again folks , may i ask what your stories are or how they ended up , id be really interested.
My W has said she'll keep things as they are until the new year and also still wants to go on the family holiday to mexico next august that we had booked about 6 months ago , (which weve still got to pay for ), but come january she wants a trial separation with no dates between ourselves and minimal contact . We have 2 girls so there as to be some contact. She said it doesnt mean she will go off with any tom,dick or harry , but if someone does ask her out and she wants to she will go .She also said that if anyone were to catch my eye i should go for it . I love my wife and children to bits and id never do anything like that. She says shes just got to search her soul and see if she is happier on her own with the children . The thing is , with my job im often away during the week (back at weekends), not every week but at least 2 a month up and down the country , so shes gotten used to being just her and our 2 Ds . Therefore a separation without us seing each other wouldnt seem that out of the ordinary for her anyway , apart from weekends . and i worry about that as it wouldnt quite have the shock factor as if i was home every night. On the other hand though , i think if i were to move out for a bit it would be a lot easier to try and move on with My life, even though i know its going to be hell on earth for a while .
I really wouldnt wish this heartache on anyone , its the pitts .
My W has said she'll keep things as they are until the new year and also still wants to go on the family holiday to mexico next august that we had booked about 6 months ago , (which weve still got to pay for ), but come january she wants a trial separation with no dates between ourselves and minimal contact .
This is good news. She's comfortable enough to stay in the same house as you, and go on vacation together. This gives you some time. Don't smother her. Give her some space while you continue working on yourself during this period.
What are her complaints about you or the marriage? That's where you start working. Don't tell her, let her see the new you. You might consider taking a course on being more assertive.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'm so sorry to read about your situation and we all know how desperate you feel when a spouse says ILYBINILWY.
I suffer from low self-esteem too sometimes but look at the positive side of the sitch for now. You're not at the separation with little contact part yet, so don't focus on it, she is still in the house so you have time to demonstrate not only to her but to your Self that you are a great guy and that anyone would be a fool to leave you. Working on your Self will mean that if what she is suggesting happens down the line you will be better able to cope with it.
And don't worry about being away on business sometimes and that if the separation happens it won't be any different to her. It will be. I am currently dark with my husband and I'm sure he notices even in his subconscious that I am not there.
Let's not think about 2013, let's think about Sept 2012 and what you are going to do to get your Self in a better headstate that will sort you out (and hopefully your marriage). I look at my situation and think I am grateful to be here so that I get to consciously work on making me a better person.
So are you going to go back to counselling - you said it helped?
What are you going to do for you this month?
What are you going to do socially not involving W this month?
What worked when you were out of the house for 3 months - did she see something different in you that enabled you two to live together again, can you do some of that?
You mentioned on my thread that it hurts to text and not get a response. I totally get that. My solution to that is not text. What we (you and I) are looking for when we text, especially when our heart is breaking, is confirmation that we are still "connected" w our spouse. So when they don't reply we feel disconnected/abandoned/rejected. The only connection guaranteed not to trigger that bad feeling of non response is when we are face2face or on the phone. Maybe if you don't text when you are away from home (this is a 180 for you), she will notice and ask you why you don't do it anymore. And you can answer, it feels weird when you don't answer and I don't want to feel weird.
Be strong and keep posting.
There are many folk here that will support you in finding and feeling better about your Self; that's the most important thing really as you could take that low self esteem baggage to the next R whether its with your wife or an Other.
You have time on your side.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Thanks Tumb , Forever for your guidance . Also my W has agreed to some counselling . Were going to a sesh in 2 weeks ( the first available and convenient slot ) . Shes still very reluctantly going and states its for her parents and me and our 2D's , and so she can say that she tried ! I said you've at least got to go with an open mind , and she says she will, even though she is a very strong willed woman and very stubborn and doesnt think anything will change her mind from her perspective. And maybe shes right , But I must say Im pleased about it , and i admire her for being 'willing' to do something out of her comfort zone . She has said though she doesnt want to give me any false hopes , and 'at the moment ' the marriage for her is unworkable , and i should be prepared if we were to separate in the new year . However i asked her if something were to change in her way of thinking would she be prepared to work on our m and she said she would . So there you go make of that what you will ? I didnt start the conversation either , she did but we had talked about counselling on friday and i said i'd organise some . Ok , Forever you asked me a question ; her complaints about the m ? Right lets see , 1. No chemistry 2. no passion 3. stagnating not going anywhere ( she likes to plan things like holidays , doing up the house, our wedding ( i loved that time ) )4. says im attrative or handsome but doesnt 'fancy' me or desire me at all . 5. I think she feels like shes been in charge and to be honest she has , I wish id stood up to her a bit more and asserted my opinions more , but as she likes to be bossy i let her have the lead . I'm a laid back character , which she liked at first but now i think she finds it deeply iratating . We had our daughter( 5) very early into our relationship , (1 year ) and she said that, had that not happened , maybe we wouldnt have stayed together ? She doesnt miss me when i work away . Oh hang on the really big one that really gets on her nerves , is I'm needy and 'mardy' and need conctant reassurances . I dont need constant reassurances , i just want to feel appreciated now and then .Our sex life took a big hit after our 2nd D was born , ( she has another D my step D from a previous R ). I was prepared for it , but she never really wanted to resume it i think and in fact last year if id be happy being platonic with her . I dont think she gets anything out of our sex life and now feels repulsed by it . She just thinks now that we are co-habiting and she feels like she and i are missing out on full relationships . As i say she has been really honest from the get go , but she cant help having no feelings for me as a husband , and i cant help still feeling deeply in love with her . Its hard . Im trying to pull away a bit but continuing to be pleasant and helpfull . Im going to try and get out a bit more with some workmates , my brother and whoever else really to try and get my own life back a bit . Any advice guys what else to do , as ive got 3 months before a probably potential separation ? Really appreciate you lot you know , just reading others accounts helps . I hope you're ok tumbling .
Sorry Tumbling i just noticed your questions . Im gonna try and get out more at weekends definately . Im home now i was away for 2 days finishing a job 'up north' ( an english expression when ever you are refering to somewhere more northern than the city you live in , and has to be said in your best 'northern accent ' for instance " opp narrrth " likewise when you are somewhere more southern than your hometown you are ' down south ' or "darn sarrff " said in my best cockney accent . Im actually in the midlands . Staffordshire where they make the pottery .) Right sorry about that just rambling on like an eejit. yes and i found the counselling did help a lot , it was like holding up a mirror and seeing what i was like to be in a r with . So i made changes and stuck to them , i trusted my wife when she went out and i was pleased for her , i did and do a lot more around the house which was another one of her gripes . Around the time of that counselling ( about this time last year ) we went on our family summer holiday . It was great , we all had a great time , and i asked if i could come home . She said ok then , but i was to sleep in my daughters room . She likes to sleep with her mum . and the intimate side was off limits for the time being . I was delighted , just to be back home again with my 3 girls . It was uncomfortable at first but things got better and better . We even started to resume a sporadic sex life , but i new it was out of pity on her part and she didnt enjoy it . We had christmas and started the new year and so on , i genuinely thought we had made it through a really rough patch , but around my w birthday (end of july ) it all came back again . She said the trigger was me whinging about how we dont do anything together and how shes out with her friends a bit . ( she also went to marrakech with her 2 best friends around april for 3 nights , on a girlie thing . I acted poorly and was a bit jellous of the whole thing .) And now she says after the first troubles last year things did get better but plateau-ed and weren't as good as i thought they were .for her at least . But i dont really know if that is her present mindset re-writing the history to suit her situation ? Who knows ? With the self essteem thing it sort of comes and goes . At the mo i feel quite upbeat about my general life ( apart from my M ) so thats a positive . We, me the w and our 2 D's have just come back off this years summer holiday in South of france , which was mainly great with a couple of horrible mean argument days due to our sitch . Hey-ho , keep my chin up .
