I don't think that I am at that point that I could say no to reconciliation. Although I think that is exactly where I want to get to. Each day brings me closer to that goal. Each day gets easier and easier with less emotional baggage weighing me down. I feel I am starting to become WAS in that I feel like I am not being heard. In the same time that she needs to work through her issues, I need to get to the point of dropping the rope. It does feel good to have a better understanding of what it will take get there. My biggest fear now is in regards to my children. How will they come out of this? Are they going to hate us for this? Will they struggle in school and their relationships? I do know the more I detach from my w, the better I will be able to deal with those questions?
Wondering since those are my main fears to overcome, and they have to do with the kids, should I express those to my w? Is that something that may bring us closer together? Or do I deal with it on my own since she thinks they will be okay? One of her justifications for leaving is believing they will be all right. I do know that she sees my son have some difficulties with this.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
My biggest fear now is in regards to my children. How will they come out of this? Are they going to hate us for this? Will they struggle in school and their relationships? I do know the more I detach from my w, the better I will be able to deal with those questions?
After various disappointments, eyes, I got to the point where these same questions became practically my only concern. And its ok to be afraid of the unknown here. I sure was.
How will they come out of this? You don't know. But even though you feel like you have no control or influence of things right now with your wife, you do have LOTS of influence as far as your kids are concerned. You're their dad and they love you, simply put. They'll feed off your positive energy and probably get upset if you bring negative energy and fear and resentment into thje situation. Do not despair! If the D happens, it will certainly not be easy for them but it can be made a million times easier if you always act gracefully and confidently. If you don't, they''l pick up on that just the same.
Are they going to hate us for this? Again, you don't know, but I think your kids a but young to truly think any kind of hateful thought. If they see you and our W acting dignified all the time, I don't think you have to worry. Shower them with love.
Plus, not to be captain obvious, you're not the first person to go tthrough this. Lots of kids turn out great, fine, or at least ok. You're a great person, so I think you have all the opportunity in the world to help them through this appropriately, whatever happens.
Will they struggle in school or relationships? You don't know. Maybe. This is really where you and your wife need to be adults about this should things ultimately not work out. It takes a LOT of pre-planning, as you're probably finding out.
You have to be willing to buy extra necessities if they've left their only appropriate pair of dress shoes over at the her place and today's picture day or the Christmas show. Did they leave their library book at mom's and now they won't be able to check out a new one tomorrow? If so, you need to go get it and make sure your always on top of what they need for school. Little things like that can make a big difference in their success. It will show them you are behind them and they cannot use your divorce as a means to slough off.
I have no idea what to say about their struggling with relationships. I wouldn't worry about that now, even though it crosses my mind every day. This will likely influence them heavily, but I think if you act gracefully and lovingly, you give them the best shot for relationship success too.
No guarantees anyway on relationship success. I wonder how many folks on here had parents that stayed together. Heck, my divorce was the first I'd ever seen in my family for that matter.
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
Wondering since those are my main fears to overcome, and they have to do with the kids, should I express those to my w? Is that something that may bring us closer together? Or do I deal with it on my own since she thinks they will be okay? One of her justifications for leaving is believing they will be all right. I do know that she sees my son have some difficulties with this.
If you express them and it does not bring you closer together, then what? My inclination is to tell you not to because it will just make you look scared. I think she would draw closer to you if you SHOW her that no matter what happens you will be strong for your kids. Perhaps others will contribute to this question, as I have some reservations about steering you on this one.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
I don't think that I am at that point that I could say no to reconciliation. Although I think that is exactly where I want to get to. Each day brings me closer to that goal. Each day gets easier and easier with less emotional baggage weighing me down. I feel I am starting to become WAS in that I feel like I am not being heard. In the same time that she needs to work through her issues, I need to get to the point of dropping the rope. It does feel good to have a better understanding of what it will take get there. My biggest fear now is in regards to my children. How will they come out of this? Are they going to hate us for this? Will they struggle in school and their relationships? I do know the more I detach from my w, the better I will be able to deal with those questions?
Wondering since those are my main fears to overcome, and they have to do with the kids, should I express those to my w? Is that something that may bring us closer together? Or do I deal with it on my own since she thinks they will be okay? One of her justifications for leaving is believing they will be all right. I do know that she sees my son have some difficulties with this.
Hey Eyes,
I don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind to comment here but I just wanted you to know that the whole "kids will be ok" talk is pretty standard in their own justification of what they are doing. Even faced with tantrums and school grades decreasing W still says that it's normal and that it has nothing to do with what she's doing.
They are selfish right now. It's "their" time and they won't let anything get in the way. Not even their kids.
It's funny, since this has started I've always wanted to ask W if she would give her life for D8. When she'd answer:"Yes! of course!", I would just say: "Why don't you?". A life with us would not be as bad as actually giving her life. No matter what she says now, we were happy, as I'm sure you were as well. Nothing can be as bad as seeing the children you love so much going through what they are going through now. But then again, W is so busy living it up on her own that she doesn't really have much time to see what D8 is up to and how she's coping now, is she?
As to your question, I'm not sure bringing it up with W would help as she's likely to just brush it off as "they will adjust". Will she think more of you? I think my W thought/thinks i was using this to get her to come back. Maybe I was, partly.
lol , I'm not sure I'm helping you much here mate but I hope that, at least, you see that you're not alone with this situation.
Cheers mate!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
D is hard on kids but you'll not convince her if she doesn't believe it. GC is right-on that the best thing you can do is be aware of it and not make things worse for them. The absolute worst thing for my stepkids was the conflict between my H and his ex.
I dont know what the right answer is but I have not brought up the impact of S or D on the kids at this point as I just see it as adding more pressure and pushing her further away. Somehow she is also convinced like many other WAS mentioned on here that the kids are resilient and will be fine.
A similar argument is to never take your child to the doctor for treatment. They are resilient and with time will overcome most infections, injuries and pain too. But we dont do that, We shelter them, take care of them and protect them. Resilient is no excuse for forcing change like this on them.
Sorry for the rant, but it baffles me that someone is willing to trade part of growing up with their kids for some vision of freedom or self gratification. Call me an LBS -- but I just dont get it.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Williams, I agree with your perspective. I'm sticking it out until S is on his own for that very reason. Ironically, I get a lot of questions as to why I would do that, rather than just get on with my life, even from people here on this board. I guess there will always be people that question your motives. You have to do what's right for you.
I will not bring it up to her, she sees, and she has to live with it. GKM I understand what you are saying about being strong for them. She thought about stopping by at bedtime and called to get my thoughts. I don't think I handled the call the best, as I was unsure about her stopping by. After I thought about it for a bit I sent her this text...I think it is best to keep the routine we have. I know you want to do everything you can to protect the children, and that is what makes you a great mom, but this is their reality. We have to do what we can to help them adjust without confusing them.
I question the part about being a great mom, as it come off as sucking up. Other than leaving she is a great mom and has not neglected them as I have read so often on these boards. The rest of it I feel good about, as I am trying to be more of a leader and not a pleaser.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
On this, no!!! In my opinion, don't at all worry about the "great mom" part. Now, by no means overdo it with the great mom compliments, as you never want to overdo anything, but I think what you said is still fine. Because her being a mom is an independent statement from her being a wife. If at any point she 'wows' you down the road with fine parenting skills, I think you should always remember to say that to her. It's a parent to parent thing, not a LBS to WAW thing.
Furthermore, when you speak to your kids when you are alone with them, you need to frequently tell them their mom is the best mom. You need to be her biggest fan as far as being a mom is concerned. Like if you pick them up from school and they've made a craft for her you should try to, with a nice flow to your dialogue, say "wow! she'll love this...I'm glad you made it for her! Mommy really IS the best mommy isn't she?" Stuff like that. And you probably do this already, but I am here to tell you that this is a great example to set for your kids and a good way to help alleviate some of your fears you previously posted.
Lastly, I think you have the right idea with:
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
I think it is best to keep the routine we have. I know you want to do everything you can to protect the children, and that is what makes you a great mom, but this is their reality. We have to do what we can to help them adjust without confusing them.
It sounds like you've already been experiencing what I'm about to say. My XW would try to come over a lot just to "pop in" and see my daughter. That was extremely hard for my daughter. It's a tease for the kids. 1 of 2 people you love more than anything is here, and then she's not. More often than not too, I wholeheartedly believe it was because she missed my D, not so much because my D missed her. I'd be busy with D, her mind would be off things, then bam!, Mommy's here. D would light up like a Xmas tree, and then a couple minutes sink like she was in quicksand. I think it's very important you take a stand on this, though I am mindful of course that my siutation is of course not the same as yours.
I think you've done fine here.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
My biggest fear now is in regards to my children. How will they come out of this? Are they going to hate us for this? Will they struggle in school and their relationships? I do know the more I detach from my w, the better I will be able to deal with those questions?
Michele talks about this in DR. Yes they WILL be affected. Anyone who tells you they won't is just blowing happy smoke up your skirt. Every study out there clearly shows there are obvious and measurable differences between kids who have suffered D and those who haven't. You will never be able to convince your W of this. In her world your kids will be 100% unaffected, because that's what she WANTS to believe. Just like she wants to believe that leaving you will make her gloriously happy. She's lying to herself, it's all part of it.
As for how much they'll be affected, very hard to predict. I can tell you that my parents got D'd when I was a young teen and right up until BD I always said it was the worst experience I went through in my life. Worse than the death of a loved one. I still did great in school, I graduated college and I have had a very successful professional career and have successfully raised 3 kids, so it didn't impact me there. But the scars are there for sure. In my case it was my mom that was a WAS and I chose to stay with my dad. My R with my mom was previously quite strong but never did recover. To this day (35+ years later) we rarely talk. I see the same thing happening between my W and D18. I tried telling my W that she could be permanently harming her R with our kids, but she's living in that perfect dreamland with your W where kids are totally unharmed by marital problems.
, I'm not sure I'm helping you much here mate but I hope that, at least, you see that you're not alone with this situation.