My Story WAW due to Gaming Addiction

[AnotherStander]

Well she called my therapist and said she would not even consider it. So it was too soon. Also, I am about 50% she is having an EA with a person we know from our church. But I am not totally sure but it kinda hurts seeing as it took her less than 2 months to move on. Just kinda feel played but the person I trusted most. But I will continue to put on a smile and go on with life because I know how rebound relationships work.

OK, so let's assume she's having an EA. Have you asked yourself why? What is your part in driving her to an EA? Happily married spouses don't seek out EA's. Don't look at it as a betrayal, look at it as a sign that your R isn't working. Look at your part in this, and do 180's on your own faults. You can only change yourself, this is the whole DB concept. Change yourself into a good-looking, upbeat, kind and loving person that your W can't resist. And then wait, wait, wait. DO NOT ask her if she's having an EA, and do not snoop. Read Michele's 34 180 tips every day to remind yourself what to do and not do.

[twisted9999]

So these last few days have been an emotional mess. After I got off the phone thuesday with my therapist and she had told me what my wife said I had to pick up the kids because it was my day to have them. I was not sure what the plan was because I we really didnt discuss if I was picking them up or she was dropping them off. I tried to call and got no answer. So I sent her a text asking what her about the plan for the kids. She finally texted me back and said her mom would be bringing them to my parents. My brother is in town from the navy so I was visiting him before he left and he was staying there.

I then sent another text saying "My therapist called and let me know she had talked to you and what you said. I am sorry I offered it I honestly did not know it would upset you". She ofcourse did not respond which I knew that was going to be the case I just wanted to appologize and leave it at that.

She was going to get a haircut and dyed so that was why she didnt drop them off. I get a call around 7:20 saying she was running late and may not make it for 8pm because the person doing her hair screwed up and was trying to fix it. I was ok with this because it meant i had more time with the kids. She called again at 8 and said she was on her way and to give her 10 min before I left because she had not made it home. When I pulled up she was pulling up too. She got out the car and ran to the front door which I thaught was weird. She said she would be right out. Her mom pulled up right behind her and said she had to use the bathroom. I unloaded the kids and gave them hugs and kisses. Told her mom that my son was acting sick. The whole process lasted like 7 min and my wife never showed her face. I just got a weird feeling about the whole situation because the way she acted when I pulled up. Maybe she did have to use the bathroom but honestly I think that she was avoiding me for some reason. Maybe she thought I would bring up the topic from earlier but she knows I would never say anything around the kids.

Yesterday was bad. I was a mess yesterday. Coworker came up to me and told me she was worried about me. Said a friend of hers relative just took their life due to a similar situtation i was going through. I would never do something like that but i just broke down. The drive home from work was yet another mental and emotional breakdown as was my drive to work this morning.

When does the pain stop? 2 months have gone by and I am still a mess. I take it day by day and when I have the kids everything seems OK but when the kids go home its when it really hits home and I struggle to hold back the tears.

I am so confused because the person I married 9 years ago is not the person that I am seeing now. She is amesome mother and a wonderful wife and person. During the last couple of weeks though she has become distant and all out mean to me. When we talk she wont even look me in the eyes. She somewhat keeps me informed about the kids but there is alot that i have to find out about from my oldest daughter like wife taking her to to the dentist about her tooth or her missing gymnastics because she had a meeting(she could have called me and asked if i could bring her).

I know they say believe none of what she says and half of what she does. So the fact that she said she has forgiven me and is no longer mad at me is not true because someone who has forgiven someone would not get angry at me because our lawsuit lawyer who also does divorces gave her a 15 min speech about how she is being selfish and setting our kids up for failure and that we need to do everything we can to fix this. I stuck up for her and said she had a right to leave me. Basically anytime someone tells her something she does not want to hear she takes it out on me. I need to learn how to detach because this is sucking the life out of me.

As time goes on it went from this is not over to as of Tuesday meeting with out lawyers she basically said she was going through with the divorce no matter what the consequences are. I know I have done everything in my power to drive her away. I also know I have 11 months to win her back.

I have once again gone to a no contact policy except about the kids. I also am going to stop trying to cater too her. Like asking if she needs the grass cut, needs any money, or if there is anything around the house that needs to be done. She asked about me taking the kids Sat while she takes my oldest to a birthday party. I had plans that day and told her I could not watch them during the time she needed so she will get her mom to watch them. I have been rearranging my life to make her confortable like going to a different mass because she felt weird going to the same mass as me or changing plans I have to acommidate her plans. I am not doing this because I want to piss her off but me doing all this stuff to help her out is not making a difference so I am going to try something different.

[greenblue90]

Seriously man what are you doing for YOU.

You keep saying she does this, she does that.

What are you doing? In an earlier post I gave you a bunch of suggestions have you considered them?

You say your commutes home are terrible, then listen to books on tape, or a podcast. Get your mind off her.

From my experience the guys that get their wives back are the ones that work hard to build strong lives with or without their wives.

To me it sounds like your mother in law is enabling her to run and destroy her family. It doesn't mean you have to declare war on her, just keep in mind that things will be harder for your sitch, because mom will probably pay bills, and babysit so that your W can go be irresponsible and further develop her EA.

So why should she go back to you? She will have financial stability from mom, a better caretaker than you, and can get herself other men.

Do you think she'll go back to you because you are begging and pleading?

It's time to work on yourself, and to not worry about her.

It's simple eventually reality will set in on her and she may realize that she is not better off without you. Then she'll look at you, and see how you are doing. If you are doing better there is a better chance she'll realize that you are a good catch.

Look I'm not tryin to be a jerk, but she is leaving because she thinks she can do better than you. Prove her wrong.

[twisted9999]

No I get it I was just saying it is hard sometimes. I have been running and working out which is a huge destresser and something I enjoy to do. I have also started a second job to make some extra money so I can have money to get a hobby, like getting back into karate. I have also started hanging out with friends and my brother who was in town from the navy this week. The kids also keep me occupied.

As for her mom she is unemployed and is our stay in nanny. My wife does not ask her to watch them on her own at night because she feels bad for her cause she works like a dog. As for the EA I am pretty sure it was all in my head.

Daughter went to the hospital last night but was alright and my son was puking so I came over to help after my second job. While she was taking a bath I made sure it was in my head. Does not have his phone number nor has she talked to anyone other than her girl friends. She also told me today she has been acting cold and distant because every time she opens up and acts normal I follow it up with talks of dates or counseling. I told her I understand why you feel that way and apologized and told her it will not happen again and that I was wrong to pressure her.

My second coaching session with Laurie is tomorrow so we will see how that goes.

[twisted9999]

This weekend was not too bad. Had a couple of decent conversations with my wife. Nothing ground breaking but they were not all about the kids. She called yesterday to tell me her plans for christmas presents and other stuff. I told her that those were great ideas and that I would help pay for them. Also, I call the kids every night to tell them good night and the last two nights I got up the courage to tell her good night too which she responded good night to you too. I know that is not a big deal but trust me if I were to say that a week ago I would have been met with ok talk to you later. Also, I noticed that my wife had pulled our wedding album out and looked through the pictures within the last week because the album was moved from where it had been for years to another place.

[AnotherStander]

I would never do something like that but i just broke down. The drive home from work was yet another mental and emotional breakdown as was my drive to work this morning.

When does the pain stop? 2 months have gone by and I am still a mess.

First let me say that crying is GOOD. Do it! Let it all out! Don't hold it back! We guys are taught from an early age to bury our emotions deep inside and to never cry. All that does is make the pain last forever. I cried more in the month after BD then all the other times added together since I was probably 13. I HATED it at the time, but looking back I can now see what a release it was. You'll cry less and less until you just won't need to anymore, and you'll feel a lot more centered afterwards.

I take it day by day and when I have the kids everything seems OK but when the kids go home its when it really hits home and I struggle to hold back the tears.

It's not necessarily bad to cry in front of the kids, they should know that A)you're not afraid to show emotions and B)it's OK for them to show emotions too. But don't let it get to be a constant thing, try to cry mostly in private and put on a brave face for them.

I am so confused because the person I married 9 years ago is not the person that I am seeing now. She is amesome mother and a wonderful wife and person. During the last couple of weeks though she has become distant and all out mean to me. When we talk she wont even look me in the eyes.

Yeah, same here (20 years in my case). My W isn't particularly mean, but she's changed radically. She was kind, warm-hearted and put everyone's needs before her own. Now it's all about #1! Yes it's confusing and no, it doesn't make sense. It's best not to try and figure it out because it's all about her emotions. Logic and reason are non-starters in this.

I also know I have 11 months to win her back.

DB isn't about winning her back. It's about changing yourself and giving her the opportunity (time) to appreciate the new, changed you and hopefully she'll be attracted back to you. Having the mentality of trying to do something to get her back is setting yourself up for failure (and implies you're just doing it to get her back and that you will revert to old habits afterwards). If you improve you, then you win whether she returns or not.

I also am going to stop trying to cater too her. Like asking if she needs the grass cut, needs any money, or if there is anything around the house that needs to be done.

Ditto. I've been helping my W a lot with her house and I suddenly realized that I've been volunteering and she has not been asking for help. As part of my detaching I will still help her if she asks for help (if it's something she can't do herself), but I'm not offering it up freely anymore.

[twisted9999]

Today I finally went out and got a new wardrobe. I did it because I honestly do not fit in anything that i have now. They are all baggy and make me look sloppy. I have lost around 25 pounds and have built up some muscles so I am feeling good about my appearance.
Daughter lost her first tooth last night. My wife had called and told me that her 2 front bottom teeth needed to come out but she would not let her near her mouth. I had the 3 last night and after some talking to and convincing she finally let me tie a string around her tooth and pull it out. you should have seen her. I have never been so proud of her in all my life, she decided to be a big girl and overcome her fear and actually trusted in me to do something as scary as pull a tooth out...trust me this is traumatic to a 6 year old. I have never seen her so excited in a long time. It was like christmas morning to her she could hardly control her emotions. She must have went to the mirror and looked at her hole in her teeth at least 15 times in 1 hour. She could not wait to tell my wife and her mother and show all her friends. My wife was at a open house meeting at my kids school so i just sent her a text message letting her know. She didnt respond which was kinda weird but what can you do. I called this morning and talked to my daughter and the tooth fairy had gave her some money...god i hate how I miss these things and have to hear them over the phone.

As hard as this is on me I finally come to realize that this was the best thing that could have happened to me. If my wife had not asked to be separated i would still be living a miserable life where games were more important than my own family. A life where my relationship with my oldest daughter was not a father daughter relationship but more like a brother sister relationship where we always fight. I would still gut that hung over my jeans and flabby arms chest and stomach. Never in a hundred years would i ever consider taking up a hobby that i stopped 15 years ago (karate). And for the first time in my life I know that I can live alone and survive without the help of my wife. I pay bills, grocery shop, buy my own cloths, clean, cook, etc..things that i let my wife and mother in law do.

I truely feel like my life has finally started to turn around for the better and that the old me is truely gone for good. I never want to go back to that person. Have i beaten my gaming addiction? Who knows only time will tell but what i do know is that i can live in a house by myself with no one watching me and truely say that I have no desire to play a game. I can walk 5 feet infront of a gaming store in the mall and not even think about going in it.

I wish I could tell my wife how much I appreciate her for leaving me, for making me wake up from the long sleep I have been in. I wish I could thank her and tell her how this whole experience has impacted me for the positive but I know that right now that is probably not the best thing to do.

Does it still hurt? Everyday of my life mostly because she is not angry at me nor does she lash out at me and I feel she truely cares how I am doing and is feeling guilty for what she is putting me through. Is it getting easier? Sadly yes. Do I still love her? With all my heart. Do I need her to make me happy? No, but that does not mean I dont want her as a wife.

[twisted9999]

I think I am confusing my wife. Every time we are in contact either by phone or in person I am as nice as can be regardless of her attitude. She does not know how to respond. At first it was difficult due to the emotions I was having but now it comes naturally.

[MrBond]

That's what DBing does. The WAS expects you to act a certain way and is surprised to find out you've changed.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Good twisted, I was worried that you might 'know' better than alot of people here. I'm glad that you seem to understand this more now.

These changes as long as they aren't to 'trick' her into coming back, but that you made them for yourself and yourself alone? Then they have the best chance of sticking, and if they do, she has the best reason to believe in them...even though that belief will only come in time. And only when she believes in them...that's not a time table you get to determine or tell her when she should. You have years to make up for buddy.