I have read many of the postings here and found them to be extremely helpful. I wanted to share my current situation as I am very confused as to what is happening and how I should react. My situation is as follows:
I have known my W for 10 years now and been married for 7. We have two children ages 4 & 2. Over the last couple years our marriage has suffered and looking back now I see how I missed some of my W’s distress signals. I will be the 1st to say that I have not been a perfect H in terms of being affectionate and emotionally supportive. I can be critical at times but I have always had good intentions for my W.
Earlier this year she dropped the ILYBNILWY comment. It was a difficult thing for me to hear but again I went on the offensive to make things better. In June of this year we traveled across the globe for a work related trip with no kids. We felt this would be a great opportunity to work on us. Three days into the trip I made a comment with no malice intended that set her off! (I said something about her being tired with no kids around, no long work commutes etc). When we got back to our hotel room she dropped the D bomb (June 27). She said she had been thinking about it for months now and that this was the final straw. I was completely shocked to hear it. She asked me to go home and I begged and pleaded to stay. In hindsight I should have probably left. Needless to say I spent the rest of the 3 weeks pretty much by myself. She would go out on work outings with colleagues and I would do dinner alone. We did celebrate my bday over dinner one of the nights.
We got back from our trip late on a Saturday and on Sunday morning (July 15)the two of us were having breakfast. She broke down crying and said that she had something to tell me and that I was going to hate her. Right away I knew what it was. She came clean about having PA during the trip. I knew who it was without her having to tell me. I hung out with OM a few times which continues to bother me even today. That day was very emotional for both of us. We could not believe how low we had gotten in our R. She said that she had planned on telling me the R was over and that she wanted the D but then did not want to give up what we had after being in our house as a family.
I can’t explain why but we bonded so closely that first week. I asked her questions about the PA and she answered all of them. She was upset for letting it happen but stated that she thought the R was over. I honestly thought we were going to try to work things out but after the 1st week things took a change. My W started to get more distant with me and saying that she wanted a D. She did not think things would work and could not commit to it not happening again (if the R was in the same situation).
I tried to suggest counseling and signed up for DB. She agreed to participate but has since decided not to. A few weeks ago we met up after work for an outing with friends. On the walk home she said it was not fair to me that she was keeping me in limbo and said that she wanted to D after a trip that we have had planned with friends for months. I supported the decision and the day after started to put together financial statement and analysis of what things would look like for both of us. She then started to take a different stance and said that she was confused and did not know what she wanted. Her next request was to have space. I said I would give her all the time and space she needed and moved out. The only communication we had was when I sent texts to speak to the kids every night. We then decided that I would move back into the house so that I could spend time with the kids and she moved out for a few days. We did this for two weeks. On the day when I was set to move out she sent me a text saying that she missed me and if I wanted to come home to see how things went. She said that she could not promise me anything but that she would take it one day at a time. I agreed. When I got home that day she asked for a hug. I have not kissed or hugged my wife for over a month now. We spent the long weekend together and did things with the kids. She talks about long term plans but just last night she said that she has no expectations for the R and that she has not make up her mind.
I am so confused as I am trying to give her the space she needs but hearing that she is still undecided makes it difficult for me. I have just about stopped all emails, texts, and calls to respect her space. My W is in party mode. She dresses different and has told me that she has put herself in the backburner for years and that it was time to focus on her. Her friends have even noticed that she does not mention me.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I guess the situation is not all that bad as we are back to living under one roof. She talks to me and we laugh at times but there is no speak of R. How long will this last? Friend have been telling me to move out to let her know what it would be like to not have me around (I help the kids get dressed in the morning, I cook dinner everynight after work, I help kids get ready for bed everynight, and I clean the house regularly).
In my heart I want us to work. It is just hard as it feels like I am doing everything and she is doing nothing….any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!
Sorry you are here. I'm new to this as well, but my sitch started out similarly as far as short move outs to trying to live under one roof.
I will say that if I had it to do all over again, I would have done things completely differently when we were both at home. I didn't see it at the time, but I was not giving my W the space she truly needed. At first it was the puppy dog thing, then as I tried to stop talking about R and spend more time playing with the kids and helping out more around the house, she found this smothering. Always in the same room, always trying to small talk, etc. Things deteriorated very rapidly.
My advice would be to continue to give her tons of space and go about your life as you would. Do not try too hard to fix all of the things you know you need to. Try to keep conversations lighthearted as much as possible.
I wish I could go back to where you are now and do things differently.
Good luck, there are some really good people here to help you out.
Cadet - thank you for the advice. I have read DB and just picked up DR. I agree that I need to let her go and GAL. I have set small goals for myself and working on improving me regardless of what happens.
I appreciate the feedback. I agree that giving her space is very important. I feel like this is a critical time where she asked for me to come back to see how she would feel having me around. I have made it a point to not talk about or bring up any R conversations. As part of my 180's i let her be after we have dinner and put the kids to bed (I will either read in a seperate room or work out downstairs etc). I have read so many of the amazing posts by people who have experienced a similar situation and i have decided to just be her friend. Last night was a perfect example as we carpool to work together. She needed to stay late and asked if i could wait for her. I agreed and when we drove home she was very talkative. I listened intently (another of my 180's as before I was not always the best listener). I made sure to look her in the eye and give her my individed attention. She kept talking during dinner and I kept listening. I sat on the couch and she came following and asked if i wanted dessert and we both sat there as she continued to talk etc. I could have easily tried to talk about R but i just reminded myself to be a friend. She was in a great mood and very receptive to my being there. It's times like these that make it hard as i want to just say "look, you are in such a great mood, why can't it just be like this moving forward" but I know that she will have her ups and downs. I just want to make sure I am doing the right things at the moment given my current situation of living under the same roof.
Thank you for sharing your advice and I look forward to updating all of you on how things progress.
Welcome Faith4. Despite the reason for being here, you're at least in good company. Many of our sichs are similar and you'll definitely find great advice and support. I know that I have in the month or so that I've been here.
FNM. Care to explain what / how you would have done things differently while living under the same roof?
Thanks afa, this forum has been a tremendous help in keeping my somewhat grounded. I am amazed at the experience and level of wisdom and support provided by so many people. I too want to know what FNM would have done different while living under the same roof. I am 100% for giving S the space she needs but wondering how best to do it while living under the same roof.
Hi Faith2CP I am in the same boat. My H and I are like 2 ships passing in the night. I am finding it very difficult. I would also like to see what others have done.
Your S appears to be like Mine not willing or wanting to "work" on it....but for me for at least these last few days concentrating on me has been satisfying and I have not felt so "Sad"
Hi Mystify, thanks for sharing and I feel for you. My W is intent on just doing her own thing. The 1st few weeks were extremely hard but similar to you I have found the last couple of days to be ok. I to am working on becoming a better me and trying to GAL. My W is out at a work outing and staying with one of her girlfriends. I focused on my children tonight and went for a run after work (this is part of my goals). Sharing my experience with everyone on this forum has proven to be helpful for me. Please continue to share your sitch. Knowing that I am not alone in this helps me. I continue to tell myself...space, time, and patience!
For me getting a GAL has been interesting. I like the fact that I am doing my own thing now, however 3 years ago I was the one who had a PA. and for me I am so afraid me getting a GAL will be looked at as she is having an A again. For me that has been the biggest conflict. I want to save my marriage just as I did 3 years ago, but this time I have been the one who was not doing anything. It just seems like all of this would be settled with a bit of communication.
