Divorced #4

[Mrs D]

Starting a new thread:

Previous Threads:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2269321&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2272777&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2275074#Post2275074

So after the bagel drop off this morning, I am back in NC mode again. The bagel drop off hasnt affected me like what other communications have in the past. Am I getting better at trying to detach if it doesnt affect me as it had in the past? Or, am I just realizing that I am the better option, my confidence is coming back and Im finally realizing that I will be ok in time? I dont know. But I like how I feel today. Im excited that I am going to be with some amazing people tonight. Although I wish my X was with us tonight, Im not going to let it ruin my night. Im not worried about what they are doing. Hopefully that continues through the weekend as well. I have time one my side. And in that time, Im going to continue to be the best that I can be. Happy Friday everyone.

[~ kd ~]

So after the bagel drop off this morning, I am back in NC mode again. The bagel drop off hasnt affected me like what other communications have in the past.

Happy friday back at you.

You will get no 2x4s from me. That was great, AFAIC.

The more you have positive interactions without getting anxious, the less you need N/C. So then you can get to try out some 180s.

[Mrs D]

I

So after the bagel drop off this morning, I am back in NC mode again. The bagel drop off hasnt affected me like what other communications have in the past.

Happy friday back at you.

You will get no 2x4s from me. That was great, AFAIC.

The more you have positive interactions without getting anxious, th.e less you need N/C. So then you can get to try out some 180s.

Hey Kd...... thank you so much for no 2×4s tonight .... Odd one of my Bffs is questioning things going on in her life tonight, and with everything she is feeling right now, I feel so bad for her because I am questioning everything she is questioning. I told her to step back and think about where she has been. Where her life is now. Think!!! I really am hoping that she listens to what I am telling her. Been there. It [censored]. I just dont want her to be. Here.

On the upside. X called three times tonight. He knew where I was. I sorta find humour in strange way. AND I LOVE IT!!! HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

[~ kd ~]

I want to take you on a little ride back through time...

Your first post here:

To cut it short, I had an affiar 3 years ago. Went to counceling, quit because I didnt care for the therapist - didnt start again. None of the problems that apparently were there before the affair were resolved. H tried with every bit of his heart to make it work - I did not. In the meantime I become friends with my trainer - texted all the time about nothing. Truth is, I did find him attractive, thought maybe things could be more with him - but it never happened. We have only been friends. Husband was very intimidated by him – which I would have felt the same if I had found H texting someone.
I moved out last November. Actually, EXH packed the truck and moved me. I didn’t try to stop the move. He filed for divorce later – I asked him, pleaded with him not to file. He asked to give him one good reason – the only thing I came up with was “You would be wasting money because we would only get married again”. I am not good with communication. I should have said “Because we love each other and we can work on our problems”. But I didn’t. Fast forward to the day we sign the papers. I cried through the whole process. I didn’t want this divorce – but knowing he paid whatever he paid (and he is really tight with his money), I felt I had to. So I signed the papers. We were still very much together up to the day of our divorce. I didn’t go to the courtroom. I asked him, pleaded again not to go through with it. He did.
Course, the whole time Im still texting my trainer. I know I shouldn’t have had this relationship with my trainer. My H asked me time and again to stop. I would for a bit, then start again. This is why he didn’t stop the divorce.

OK, there's a few things I italicized and bolded.

Here is why... I want you to take a good look at the profile of a WAS. You WERE a WAS.

That said, you are a WAS "in recovery, now.

So why am I putting the WAS profile in the light?

Because, a WAS is ALL ABOUT N/C. Sometimes this is referred to as "hiding" (by the LBS) and as "having my own life" (by the WAS; sometimes also referred to by "ILYBINILWY"). When they come out of N/C, it is often because they need their sitch to "adjust" according to what they (the WAS) wants it to look like.

Your H gave you "one last chance" to change your mind, and in the vernacular of a WAS, your best answer was that you wanted to believe in a future that... well... according to your H, was not likely. You explain it as not having good communication skills, which is possible. Although just as mentioned, you were unsure of what the future held, so you just as likely wanted to try to keep the door open to "plan B".

I'm not judging you. I am pointing specifically to what does appear to go through the mind of a WAS. As mentioned, you are a recovering WAS now.

I am suggesting that, the roles here are NOT reversed. You are NOT the LBS and your X is NOT the WAS. So following the general advice given for a LBS, such as N/C... well... it is "more of the same".

I understand that it sounds like I'm harping on N/C and that you SHOULD NOT be N/C. And... I am...

I DO understand that YOU UNDERSTAND what N/C "is for".

What I'm pointing at more specifically is... you need to change the WAS pattern. You need to be more transparent and more connected... with your X.

I have to assert that what you are doing now, appears to be working. Your X IS appearing to react well to your availability and openness. Exactly what he would need to see from you, in order for him to believe that life with you NOW... would be different than life with you over the past three years.

I want to change the language by taking the focus specifically off the term "N/C" and making it more about... detaching yourself emotionally from the (so called) emotional roller coaster.

Detaching does not require N/C.

Perhaps you can view it more in the lines of...

Taking time for yourself to reflect and think, without hiding behind a veil of "not his business".

Just some thoughts I wanted to put out to you, on this subject.

So again to stress... stop the pattern... get engaged with your X, in a quasi detached way.

[Mrs D]

Thank you KD. So if Im reading this correctly, I shouldnt be NCing but just detaching. And I need to continue to make myself more available and open as I have been doing here and there to start rebuilding our relationship? I agree that I think the little things I have been doing here and there are making him think more of me.

Take for instance last night. He called three times. Mind you the first two calls I missed and I picked up in the third. He said he called to talk to our son. He knew darn well I was at the concert because we spoke of it the night before. And he actually brought the concert up in conversation. AND he probably looked on the gps to see where I was. Either way, he knew. Also. Im sure he called when he was on his way to the GF house cause he doesnt make contact when hes with her. I think I was totally on his mind. Also. He was home when we drove by going to a football game. She wasnt there. Wouldnt you think if calling C last night was a priority last night, and he didnt get to talk to him, that he would maybe call today? He hasnt.

Maybe I am looking into something that isnt anything, but this is my thought process right now.

Any hoo.. lmk if my thought process to what you had posted is what you were stating. Thank you! !!

Carnac -and Billy Currington puts on a very good show if you ever get the chance...

[Arsene]

I love to hear you so positive MrsD. Glad you enjoyed the concert. Cheers!

[suppo]

Sweet on the concert MrsD! I am glad you had time to enjoy life a little & take a step back from thing.

Take a night off from analyzing things & just enjoy the fact that you had a great time! Tomorrow is another day to sweat the small things and analyze! But today is a day to sit back, relax & enjoy life.

God Speed Freshman!

[~ kd ~]

Thank you KD. So if Im reading this correctly, [i]I shouldnt be NCing but just detaching. And I need to continue to make myself more available and open as I have been doing here and there to start rebuilding our relationship?

Yes.

Think of detaching (as we often use the term here) strictly from an emotional perspective. An emotional stabalizer. NOT about removing yourself from interactions with your X.

What that does is help you not react when "bad stuff happens" and lets us be authentic and genuine when there ARE interactions. ie. we're not putting on a show for our spouse or X, rather we are just the best US we can be... always... whether with our spouse/X or otherwise...

It helps us ignore the bad behaviour and focus on the good behaviour... theirs AND ours...

[Mrs D]

I think detaching is so much easier than what NC is. Im pretty sure I can detach as I really think Im on my way.

So X called today about 530. Our son and I were at my brother and SIL for dinner. He asked C if he was playing with the neighbor boy. C told him he was playing with his cousin. My X said, oh you are and B and SILs house? C says yes, goodbye and hands the phone to me. So X says to me... when did you put the pictures back in the wall? I told him Id done that sometime ago. He says I thought you took them down and you wanted them? I said to him, No. I think I actually like them where they are. He chuckles, and says Is that right? I giggled and said yes. Then he askes if I drove past his house today to check on him. I told him I was in town today but for a football game and asked why. He said he saw me on the main drive and thought that I was going to stalk him I guess. Told him nope. I was in town for a football game. Thats all.

I think it was a good few minute conversation. Not sure if the pictures are still up, and I dont think I will be upset if they arent. But if they are, I will be totally tickled pink.

Night all. Off to bed for church in the AM.

[Mrs D]

Odd. I woke up this morning with the thought of my X saying to me "Im not sure why I thought I could be with anyone but you" or something along that line. I don't remember the dream. Just that thought.

Have a good day. Happy Sunday!