hello, i'm sorry i've been away so long. i've been back in my hometown for over a month. things have not worked out as i had hoped. this is a long post so i apologize in advance.
before i left, i told H that he should think about coming home because i could not continue with our R as it was. i was constantly feeling as if i were being tested and walking on eggshells. he said he would since he would be at our home while i was gone and would be around pictures of me and "maybe they will make me miss you"...? that should have told me something.
anyway, while i was gone, we texted, emailed, and talked almost daily. we sent pictures, jokes, concerned and thoughful messages. we confided in each other about things people with a history talk about. it was so nice. the day before i left, we had an R talk. i admitted to him that i still loved him and he said, "i love you, too, SS". that was the first time he has said ILY since BD. it made me so happy.
on my drive home, he texted me to see if i was ok driving. i sent him updates. as i got closer, i called. when i asked him if he would be at the house when i got there, he said no, that he had cleared out all he had brought from his mom's and asked me if that made me sad.
i couldn't believe it. it seemed the opposite of how we had been interacting. i asked him why he had made that decision. he said he had, "weighed some things" and that he had been going to his IC and there were some "positive things and some negative things".
i told him that i could not be "friends", that i was going to have to move on in my life. i told him i would start dating and trying to get through this. i said it will probably not get nice in the future and he said he knew. we never said the word D but i think we were both acknowledging it.
he went on to talk to me on the cell for over 45 minutes, bringing up things, asking me how i would handle something in the future, etc. all things we've been over and over.
the call dropped several times as i was driving in a rural area. each time, i would not call him back. i was done talking. each time, he called back. when the call wouldn't go through and it would go to vm, he would text that he was trying to call and i must have been in a "bad area". i never spoke to him again that night.
when i got home, he sent another text: "i do feel very sad about us."
i did not respond, just carried up all my luggage and things by myself to find some notes about house things he had left for me. if i had not called him, i would have just come home to an empty house with notes! seems cowardly to me.
two hours later, past his normal bedtime, i recieve another text:"you might not answer or have your phone off, either way i understand, but i wanted to know if you made it safely."
WTF?! what is going on in his mind??
i did not respond until the next morning. i texted him that i'm fine as i'm a good driver but i want to ask him not to text or email me anymore about personal things, only business or financial. i said i cannot have casual contact with him anymore as it hurts me and the direction i have to go in my life. i said i'm sure he can understand.
that was a tuesday. on thursday, it was our 15th anniversary. that was the day i made the appointment with the attorney. it was also the day i got a huge bouquet delivered by the florist with a card that said, "thinking of you! you are more than a good person, you are a great person, kind, loving, and caring. love H"
since then (last thursday), we've had a hurricane pass through. he sent me a text that he would be coming out to the house to secure it. i replied that that is fine, just let me know when as i prefer not to be here.
he came out with his 22D (who has basically now become his mini wife and run me off so now she has to do the work i would have helped him with) and they spent 5 hours getting the house and property tied down. i stayed at my son's house playing with the grandkids.
he texted me when he was finished and ready to leave, saying a neighbor had given "US" some wine and he had put some in champagne in the frige for me. he also said, "i need to know you're safe during the storm. i don't need updates but can i check on you at least once?"
i replied, "it's really hard on me when you're nice to me. i know that may not make a lot of sense. i have to take care of myself now and depend on my own resources. if i have any problems, i'll call S. i appreciate you protecting our assets. you have other people to take care of so good luck in the storm. i know you understand. SS"
he just replied, "ok" and that's the last i've heard of him since sunday.
i have to say it's easier this way for me. i've taken down all pictures of him in the house. i see my attorney tomorrow and i'm going to try for a collaborative divorce. i'm going to try to do it without ever hearing his voice again or seeing his face. i need to get over him and move on to my future life. if i were 32 and not 62, i might give it more time. but as it stands now, i could be stealing from future happiness to dwell in this painful uncertainty.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Wow, I've been wondering about you. Sorry about that, there's a lot of that nice guy stuff going around, "I want to break your heart but I still want to be friends so I don't feel bad."
Sheesh, I know this hurts but I also know you'll be fine.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
thanks, vero. when they act this way, it leads to major mind reading because they send such contradictory messages. it's crazy making and maybe that's their goal?
i just have to get off the crazy train.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Sometimes, SS, the leaver feels what they are doing is "wrong" and feels scared as well. It doesn't always seem like that, but it does happen. They do things to try and make you feel better, but really they are trying to make themselves feel better about themselves. Depression is often part of that from what I've seen.
I think you're absolutely right though, to do things for you that help you. If that means no contact, then no contact is what you need to do.
I hope he stays in that mode of being friendly. It's not likely, but it actually is easier in the long term.
Keep your chin up.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
thanks vero and ajm, i will try to keep things polite and kind. i went to the attorney today and he's sending H a letter notifying him that i have retained him for a colaborative divorce. the letter will talk about this kind of divorce and mention other attornys in the area who also offer it so H can get his own.
the letter will give him a heads up that documents verifying the pension funds and 401K funds will be required and an accountant will have to be hired to determine values of our assets.
the attorney will also caution him about movement of marital funds and direct deposits of his paycheck. hopefully, he will not monkey around with our money.
i felt very calm after the appointment; almost relieved. however, since then, a wave of sadness has come through. i'll be honest, it's a little scary. i'm not sure how H will react, what it will do to our "friendly-type" relationship?
he texted me this morning that he wants to come by in the morning to put everything back from the hurricane preparation. i said, sure, it will be fine but if he didn't mind, to please text me when he's ready to head this way and again when he's readly to leave. he answered with a little "pet" reply we've had for an acknowledgement.
i just don't get him. i'm sure the "pet" replys will stop after he gets the letter. i don't want this to get ugly...
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
