Hello this is my first post here on this site. I will say I have enjoyed reading other posts.
This is where I am at with my marriage.
Married for 17 years with no major problems up to now. About 4 months ago I noticed my wife was pulling away from me physically. I would go to bed fairly early and she was staying up very late. This went on for 2 to 3 weeks and I assumed she was staying up late until I would fall to sleep. I would lay there and the mind would just run wild with emotions. I finally had enough one night and went downstairs to see what was going on. This did not go well as you can imagine. This was the start of my life being turned upside down. She confessed to me that she was trying to deal with her loss of emotions towards me. She said she felt empty, and that she had lost her identity. She felt trapped and struggled with being content with being married. She wanted to be independent and make her own decessions. This all came to me as a complete shock. I went into panic mode for weeks. Not sleeping, barely eating and when I did I felt sick. I broke everyone of the 180 rules. I smothered her to the point now she is thinking of moving out so she can be independant. We have 2 boys that are 12 and 11 and they will be crushed if she goes ahead with her plan. There is no physical contact at all and she will not even change her clothes in the same room if I am present. Today 4 months later I have been going to counseling for 4 weeks and she decided to go on her own this week. Which to me is a good sign or she is trying to validate her moving out decision. I have recently bought Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy books and started reading Remedy last night. Any suggestions or advise would be greatly appreciated. The emotions and pain over these 4 months has been the worst thing that I have gone through. Up to this day she is still in the house but we are basically seperated but in the same house. She has been a stay at home wife since the boys were born. Which she has enjoyed I thought up until now. She is also looking for a job which may be the fresh air that she needs. My struggle is what about me and my needs as a husband. Do I just walk around on egg shells and wait for her to drop this moving out bomb?
You can not control whether she moves out or not, that is her decision. Just stay in the MBR in your residence. she is in huge turmoil right now. You did not break her and you can not FIX her. Stop trying to.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
I would give it 95% odds that she's involved with someone else. Security is important to married people in general, and pushing your spouse away as she's done is really taking a big chance in terms of losing your security. People generally aren't willing to do that unless they have someplace to land, in terms of someone else to comfort them and share intimacy.
Usually when it happens quickly as you've described, your wife started out in a friendship that very very gradually crossed the line into becoming inappropriate. When she realized that she was over the line, she felt very guilty and conflicted about what she was doing. The new relationship feels *so good* that it's almost impossible to give up. Therefore, the only way to feel good about things is to convince herself that she's being righteous, and the only way to do that is to make you the villain, or the source of her discontent.
Unfortunately, when you get to this point, she resents you. If you want to save your marriage, whatever you do right now needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment -- will your actions create more resentment, or less?
When you pursue her, she resents you because you are expecting her to reciprocate and she doesn't want to.
When you make her responsible for your feelings by being upset around her, she resents you because she doesn't want to be responsible for you.
If you shame her, she will resent you for making her feel badly.
Basically ANY form of pursuit or relationship discussion will result in resentment and push her farther away.
So what can you do?
Unfortunately, you can't begin repairing things while another man is involved, it's just impossible. All you can do is (1) not make things worse and push her away further, and (2) spend the time to work on yourself and become a husband that only a fool would leave.
This is a marathon, not a sprint, and the majority of it is simply a waiting game. The best thing you can do is give her space, and create a life for yourself. Get out and meet new people, pick up new hobbies. Be pleasant to her, treat her like a friendly co-worker. Do not share intimate details of how you're feeling, don't go out of your way to do anything for her. Don't seek her out.
If she approaches you, you can mirror, but do not escalate. i.e. if she hugs you, you can hug her back, but don't kiss her, that kind of thing. Do NOT say "I love you" for any reason. There is no need to explain how you're feeling or what you want because right now she understands how you feel and she doesn't care -- it's not about you right now.
This is a horrible, horrible thing you're facing, but you're not alone. Post often, even if it's just journaling, and read the books. Realize that you will not see any progress or improvement for quite some time. Before that can happen, things with OM need to be over, she needs to grieve the loss of that relationship, she needs to see and believe that you are acting differently than you did in the past, and that a relationship with you in the future would be different and better than your old marriage. She doesn't want to go back there, so if she thinks it will be more of the same she won't be interested.
Take the time to understand what she needs, what your issues are, and what you need to do to be the best relationship partner possible. No matter what happens with her, that will serve you well -- you'll come out of this a better person and will have better relationships going forward, and that's the silver lining in an otherwise terrible turn of events.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Welcome to the boards! Oh how I remember almost exactly to a T this happening.
CADET is exactly right! You need to go full force into GALing, working on yourself, giving her as much space as possible, spending as much time with your kids & becoming better Father etc... The list goes on!
I would like to say that things will change quickly, but 98% of us on here have been or are exactly where you are right now. Unfortunately, it will get worse before it gets better, but there is HOPE if you feel it in your heart!
Do exactly what CADET suggests and step back! Do not by any means go out of your way to "FIX" her or anything that has to do with her.
More to come from me and others on here!
P.S. Welcome to the "Freshman Class of 2012" We will be here for you!
Usually when it happens quickly as you've described, your wife started out in a friendship that very very gradually crossed the line into becoming inappropriate. When she realized that she was over the line, she felt very guilty and conflicted about what she was doing. The new relationship feels *so good* that it's almost impossible to give up. Therefore, the only way to feel good about things is to convince herself that she's being righteous, and the only way to do that is to make you the villain, or the source of her discontent.
Yes Sir! Accuray is Correct!
Unfortunately, when you get to this point, she resents you. If you want to save your marriage, whatever you do right now needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment -- will your actions create more resentment, or less?
When you pursue her, she resents you because you are expecting her to reciprocate and she doesn't want to.
ZERO EXPECTATIONS!! I mean ZERO!!
When you make her responsible for your feelings by being upset around her, she resents you because she doesn't want to be responsible for you.
No they do not!
If you shame her, she will resent you for making her feel badly.
Yes she will!
Basically ANY form of pursuit or relationship discussion will result in resentment and push her farther away.
Do not, under any circumstances pursue! Easier said than done, but take it from us who have all made that mistake at the beginning!
So what can you do?
Unfortunately, you can't begin repairing things while another man is involved, it's just impossible. All you can do is (1) not make things worse and push her away further, and (2) spend the time to work on yourself and become a husband that only a fool would leave.
She is only concerned about herslef right now, so you definitely have to work on "YOU" and spend as much time with your kids as possible!
This is a marathon, not a sprint, and the majority of it is simply a waiting game. The best thing you can do is give her space, and create a life for yourself. Get out and meet new people, pick up new hobbies. Be pleasant to her, treat her like a friendly co-worker. Do not share intimate details of how you're feeling, don't go out of your way to do anything for her. Don't seek her out.
If she approaches you, you can mirror, but do not escalate. i.e. if she hugs you, you can hug her back, but don't kiss her, that kind of thing. Do NOT say "I love you" for any reason. There is no need to explain how you're feeling or what you want because right now she understands how you feel and she doesn't care -- it's not about you right now.
This is a horrible, horrible thing you're facing, but you're not alone. Post often, even if it's just journaling, and read the books. Realize that you will not see any progress or improvement for quite some time. Before that can happen, things with OM need to be over, she needs to grieve the loss of that relationship, she needs to see and believe that you are acting differently than you did in the past, and that a relationship with you in the future would be different and better than your old marriage. She doesn't want to go back there, so if she thinks it will be more of the same she won't be interested.
Take the time to understand what she needs, what your issues are, and what you need to do to be the best relationship partner possible. No matter what happens with her, that will serve you well -- you'll come out of this a better person and will have better relationships going forward, and that's the silver lining in an otherwise terrible turn of events.
We will all concur with everything that Accuray has posted!!
Accuray
There is some good advice on here & all from those who truly believe in the sancity of Marriage! Keep your chin up, and by all means keep the HOPE alive, but not in front of her!
Hopefully Starsky, Denver, & some of the other Vets will chime in soon as well.
I would give it 95% odds that she's involved with someone else. Security is important to married people in general, and pushing your spouse away as she's done is really taking a big chance in terms of losing your security. People generally aren't willing to do that unless they have someplace to land, in terms of someone else to comfort them and share intimacy.
Usually when it happens quickly as you've described, your wife started out in a friendship that very very gradually crossed the line into becoming inappropriate. When she realized that she was over the line, she felt very guilty and conflicted about what she was doing. The new relationship feels *so good* that it's almost impossible to give up. Therefore, the only way to feel good about things is to convince herself that she's being righteous, and the only way to do that is to make you the villain, or the source of her discontent.
Unfortunately, when you get to this point, she resents you. If you want to save your marriage, whatever you do right now needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment -- will your actions create more resentment, or less?
When you pursue her, she resents you because you are expecting her to reciprocate and she doesn't want to.
When you make her responsible for your feelings by being upset around her, she resents you because she doesn't want to be responsible for you.
If you shame her, she will resent you for making her feel badly.
Basically ANY form of pursuit or relationship discussion will result in resentment and push her farther away.
So what can you do?
Unfortunately, you can't begin repairing things while another man is involved, it's just impossible. All you can do is (1) not make things worse and push her away further, and (2) spend the time to work on yourself and become a husband that only a fool would leave.
This is a marathon, not a sprint, and the majority of it is simply a waiting game. The best thing you can do is give her space, and create a life for yourself. Get out and meet new people, pick up new hobbies. Be pleasant to her, treat her like a friendly co-worker. Do not share intimate details of how you're feeling, don't go out of your way to do anything for her. Don't seek her out.
If she approaches you, you can mirror, but do not escalate. i.e. if she hugs you, you can hug her back, but don't kiss her, that kind of thing. Do NOT say "I love you" for any reason. There is no need to explain how you're feeling or what you want because right now she understands how you feel and she doesn't care -- it's not about you right now.
This is a horrible, horrible thing you're facing, but you're not alone. Post often, even if it's just journaling, and read the books. Realize that you will not see any progress or improvement for quite some time. Before that can happen, things with OM need to be over, she needs to grieve the loss of that relationship, she needs to see and believe that you are acting differently than you did in the past, and that a relationship with you in the future would be different and better than your old marriage. She doesn't want to go back there, so if she thinks it will be more of the same she won't be interested.
Take the time to understand what she needs, what your issues are, and what you need to do to be the best relationship partner possible. No matter what happens with her, that will serve you well -- you'll come out of this a better person and will have better relationships going forward, and that's the silver lining in an otherwise terrible turn of events.
Accuray
^^^ BINGO. There's your road map, right there, DM. This is what I have seen work, and also what worked for me. I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but Accu is giving you TRUTH here. In the 15% chance there ISN'T someone else (and yeah, I'd put his "95%" at more like "85%", based on the circumstances you describe about your wife's behavior and attitude), the things he's recommending are STILL the best way to go about it.
All you can work on is YOURSELF. And I 100% agree with Cadet, do NOT move out of your own home, or out of your own bedroom and bed!!!
I would give it 95% odds that she's involved with someone else. Security is important to married people in general, and pushing your spouse away as she's done is really taking a big chance in terms of losing your security. People generally aren't willing to do that unless they have someplace to land, in terms of someone else to comfort them and share intimacy.
Usually when it happens quickly as you've described, your wife started out in a friendship that very very gradually crossed the line into becoming inappropriate. When she realized that she was over the line, she felt very guilty and conflicted about what she was doing. The new relationship feels *so good* that it's almost impossible to give up. Therefore, the only way to feel good about things is to convince herself that she's being righteous, and the only way to do that is to make you the villain, or the source of her discontent.
Unfortunately, when you get to this point, she resents you. If you want to save your marriage, whatever you do right now needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment -- will your actions create more resentment, or less?
When you pursue her, she resents you because you are expecting her to reciprocate and she doesn't want to.
When you make her responsible for your feelings by being upset around her, she resents you because she doesn't want to be responsible for you.
If you shame her, she will resent you for making her feel badly.
Basically ANY form of pursuit or relationship discussion will result in resentment and push her farther away.
So what can you do?
Unfortunately, you can't begin repairing things while another man is involved, it's just impossible. All you can do is (1) not make things worse and push her away further, and (2) spend the time to work on yourself and become a husband that only a fool would leave.
This is a marathon, not a sprint, and the majority of it is simply a waiting game. The best thing you can do is give her space, and create a life for yourself. Get out and meet new people, pick up new hobbies. Be pleasant to her, treat her like a friendly co-worker. Do not share intimate details of how you're feeling, don't go out of your way to do anything for her. Don't seek her out.
If she approaches you, you can mirror, but do not escalate. i.e. if she hugs you, you can hug her back, but don't kiss her, that kind of thing. Do NOT say "I love you" for any reason. There is no need to explain how you're feeling or what you want because right now she understands how you feel and she doesn't care -- it's not about you right now.
This is a horrible, horrible thing you're facing, but you're not alone. Post often, even if it's just journaling, and read the books. Realize that you will not see any progress or improvement for quite some time. Before that can happen, things with OM need to be over, she needs to grieve the loss of that relationship, she needs to see and believe that you are acting differently than you did in the past, and that a relationship with you in the future would be different and better than your old marriage. She doesn't want to go back there, so if she thinks it will be more of the same she won't be interested.
Take the time to understand what she needs, what your issues are, and what you need to do to be the best relationship partner possible. No matter what happens with her, that will serve you well -- you'll come out of this a better person and will have better relationships going forward, and that's the silver lining in an otherwise terrible turn of events.
Accuray
^^^ BINGO. There's your road map, right there, DM. This is what I have seen work, and also what worked for me. I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but Accu is giving you TRUTH here. In the 15% chance there ISN'T someone else (and yeah, I'd put his "95%" at more like "85%", based on the circumstances you describe about your wife's behavior and attitude), the things he's recommending are STILL the best way to go about it.
All you can work on is YOURSELF. And I 100% agree with Cadet, do NOT move out of your own home, or out of your own bedroom and bed!!!
Starsky
DM,
I told you that you were in good hands on here! Starsky, Denver, Accuray, amongst others have all laid out the same roadmap for me and others. Your sitch is almost exactly the same as most of us on here.
Although we cannot predict the future and do not 100% know what will work & won't work, it is a good map to follow. Not too mention you will come to find that bettering yourself in the process is a very uplifting & peaceful feeling!
Thank you to all of you. Its great to have this support. Yes I have been playing the stalker and checking on everything. I have recently tried to stop doing this because assumptions make my emotions fly all over the place. I do have my concerns and have confronted her about one male. This was at the beginning of all this. She denined it and since then she has been upfront about there contact. There were some text's that I had found that I felt were over the top for this type of relationship. She apolized and told me then that she would keep all contact with him strickly business. I will say that I am still watching this very closely and I have noticed that she has erased messages from her phone when I know that they have been talking. She is helping this man with computer/billing work. I do not believe there is anything physical that has gone on but emotional affair is a high concern. Yes I am starting to exercise and do things for myself.
I will be the first one to raise my hand and say that I have caused some of these issues. My working to much and neglecting her over the years has not helped. I also have control issues that I was not aware of until the IC pointed this out. All of this and her feeling of not accomplishing anything for herself lately has pushed her into this black hole. You are all right about resentment and no expectations. No matter what I do or say it seems to make matters worst. I am definitely trying to do the 180 plan and no I am not moving out nor the bedroom.
