Still together but trying to save this

[PeteWyo]

I am new here so I'm not sure where to start. I stumbled upon this site looking for answers. It rang true with me because these are the types of things I have already been doing! I just need some direction and hope here.

Wife and I will have been married for 3 years next month. We were dating and engaged for 3 years before that. A little background on us, we had an instant attraction from the beginning. We didn't have to woo each other, it just always felt right. So I never took the time to work on anything, I just thought that things would work themselves out. Over the last few years I developed an anxiety disorder that i was afraid to acknowledge. I knew it was going on but I have always been someone that tries to fix everything on my own. On top of bringing too much work home with me, I was short and snappy at times. My anxiety, unbeknownst to me at the time and spiraled out of control where I was uncomfortable in just about any situation outside the house. To my wife, this must have come across as not wanting to do anything with her because I would stay home rather than go out.

Things came to a head and she finally snapped. I remember the look on her face when she told me. She is a very timid person that has a hard time saying what is on her mind. There were a few times that she told me she was upset, but never a lot of nagging, never expressed dissatisfaction in a way that I knew there was a serious problem. This is not an excuse mind you, I am a guy and a pretty thick headed guy at that. I need a good stern kick in the rear sometimes for me to get it, but once I do, I never make the same mistake twice. Well for better or worse, my ears are open for the first time.

I finally stopped panicking a couple weeks back and took some time to figure out what I was doing to make her feel this way. That is when I realized how my anxiety was affecting me. I was so appalled that i dropped everything and called all of my friends and family and told them how sorry I was that I didn't open up and tell people what was going on with me and I hoped it didn't damage my relationships with me. I did this because I was genuinely sorry for the person I had been being.

So my wife tells me that she isn't sure she wants to work on our marriage. I told her I wanted to go to counselling and figure this out. She refused. She said that she didn't want to prolong the pain. Meanwhile I've been working on me and making sure I am getting out of my box and learning how to deal with my anxiety. I feel great! But she still doesn't know if she wants to stay with me and work on it.

To complicate matters she is having an emotional affair with a man that was a friend of both of ours. He was there for her when no one else was to listen about her issues with me. Now she has feelings for him and doesn't know what she wants. She told me the other day that she was lost. She said she was torn. She can't live with me and she can't live without me. She says even when you were being a jerk you still took really good care of me.

We still kiss goodnight, we still sleep in the same bed and she even puts her handbook my chest while we fall asleep. She still says she loves me very much and cares for me and just doesn't want to hurt me.

Is there any hope? Or am I on my way to divorce? There are some other details but this is getting long as it is. I am counting on faith and hope right now to bring her back to me, but could use some solid advice.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

When you get the DR book read it.
There is always HOPE!

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

[PeteWyo]

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate the gift of time more than anything. I am just so worried about her. I have always known that she is the kind of person that would do anything for anyone. She cares more about others than she does herself. I see the changes in me as a person from letting go and working on me. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. And I want that for her. With or without me, she deserves that.

I have the DB book on the way and I intend to read it. I already have so much clarity and faith that I didn't have before and the book will only help. Staying strong!

[Cadet]

After you read the book post your questions here.

Letting GO is good as this is not something that you can FIX.

Learn about DETACHMENT because that is the most important thing that you can DO.

[PeteWyo]

Ok, so I am reading the book. I have come to realize that she wanted to work on this marriage before the OM entered the picture. Now she is so enamored with him because he is the only person in her life that hasn't hurt her recently. She is still in the house and she begrudgingly agreed to go to MC after a little shameless begging. So I am on the hunt for the right MC. I am trying to detach and GAL. But I am having trouble seeing how detaching from my wife and allowing her to continue the relationship with the OM is going to convince her that he is not the right person for her. She thinks that she married the wrong person and she thinks that this OM is the answer. She would be willing to work on things if it weren't for him. So how is me pulling away and letting her get closer to him helping anything???

[PeteWyo]

My wife went to IC last night. She seemed to be consumed by her thoughts all night. It hurts so much that she seems to be going to great lengths to avoid me. I hope that she gets some clarity from this IC. She has agreed to go to MC and we are going to go tomorrow. I feel as if she is just going to make me feel better but I don't have many options. The few close friends and family that I confided in about all of this keep telling me that she is not acting like herself. She is not the person right now that we all know she is. She is so lost and confused and I wish I could actively help her. But I know that the best thing I can do right now is to DETATCH... even if that apparently allows her to grow an emotional relationship with this OM. I am doing my best to work on myself and I get better everyday and more comfortable with who I really am and not the person that I had become. At first I had to make conscious efforts to stop from being anxious and snippy but it is coming more naturally now. I will continue to work on ME regardless, but I sure could use her help.

[Cadet]

So how is me pulling away and letting her get closer to him helping anything???

Everything here is counterintuitive.

Is what you are doing working?

Read the 37 rules pinned to the top of the board.

Begging pleading and pursuing need to be stopped.

We are talking about doing a 180 discussed in the book.

Most important thing to do is DETACH.

[AnotherStander]

So how is me pulling away and letting her get closer to him helping anything???

In addition to Michele's great books, you might consider Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". He has a great explanation about pursuit and why it doesn't work in this situation. He has pictures in his book of two hands representing the two people. When one pulls away from the other, the other's reaction is to pursue. But when they pursue, the one that pulled away pulls further away. So the reaction is to pursue more, and in his picture he shows how the desperate one will finally try and jump onto and smother the one that is pulling away (shows one hand grabbing the other). So what should you do? When she pulls away, you pull away the opposite direction instead of pursuing. She'll wonder why you're doing it and SHE will pull closer to YOU. Don't worry about the OM, that's outside of your control. Work on YOU. That's what DB'ing is all about. Make changes in yourself, your wife will notice but probably won't acknowledge right away. It takes time, be patient. At some point she's going to have to terminate the relationship with OM in order for your marriage to be rebuilt, but if you try to set boundaries right now it might push her out the door, so be careful.

[PeteWyo]

We went to a MC tonight for the first time. It was your general get to understand the situation talk. The worst part was that the counseller asked her if she already had one foot out the door and she said yes. The MC said that it wouldn't work if she didn't at least want to try to work on the marriage. She said I am committed to counseling but I can't say I am committed to trying. She told the counsellor that the only reason she was there was not to hurt me. I don't have much fight left in me. I scrape the bottom of the barrel every morning to find a reason to fight. Why should I keep doing this to myself...

[Grocerykartman]

Fuanacdc,

Just a number of observations and questions for you:

I don't have much fight left in me. I scrape the bottom of the barrel every morning to find a reason to fight. Why should I keep doing this to myself...

They key word here is "fight". DB is not about fighting it. The more you fight it, the less fight you're going to have for everything you do in your life, which will make you even less happy than you are feeling right now.

She said I am committed to counseling but I can't say I am committed to trying.

But then she said:

She told the counsellor that the only reason she was there was not to hurt me.

So would you agree she's really not into it?

A few other questions for you:

How old are you? How old is your wife?

When you first met her, were you happy and without the anxiety you have had since?

What was your life like the day before you met her? What did you do for fun? What excited you when you got up the morning of the day you met her, not knowing you would meet her that day?

The OM: You said he was a friends of both of yours. Whose was he a friend of first?

The friends you called when you realized what the anxiety was doing to you. Not to get personal, but how did that go? Were they understanding?

Do you have a lot of good friends? Do you have a few good friends you could spend some time with now during this troubling time to get your mind off things? Ones that you can just go be a dude with, without getting into any discussions about your marriage problems? (Which you absolutely do NOT want to do)

I know I've asked you a lot of questions, but the intent is keep your mind thinking about more than just the bottom of the barrel you mentioned.

Don't despair, you will get through this.

I wish you well.