Please, please help me. I am going through hell!! I am 54 years old, married. All of our kids are now out of the house. My wife was diagnosed as bi-polar about a year and half ago. We have survived an affair that she had. Are surviving with struggles of life. But because of the bi-polar and medications it is like my wife is avoiding being sexual with me, my wife is not interested in sex. It has slowly gone from having sex maybe once a week to now, if I'm lucky, once a month. And even then, it's not really having sex. It's more like her saying, "Hurry up and get in here and let's do this so I can go to sleep." There is no foreplay. She doesn't even kiss me. I'm the one who always is initiating any sort of affection... Whether it is hugs, kisses or anything.
I understand that the bi-polar has a lot to do with it and she says that she is going to talk to her psychiatrist to see about having her medications adjusted. I am fearful in two respects: 1) the medications are adjusted but it causes the hypo-manic behavior that she was dealing with that caused the affair, and she goes back to that behavior 2) the medications can’t be adjusted in-order to keep her from having hypo-manic behavior.
I love my wife very much. Understand that bi-polar plays a lot into this. But is there a happy medium where we can have a normal marriage and relationship?... Looking for answers or at least some in-sight.
COS There are now medications that don't necessarily affect libido, it's worth discussing with the doctor.
There is also a chance that the condition itself is killing the attraction. Helping her have as much of a drama free life as possible will help. I recommend a bi-polar support group for relatives and loved ones.
All sexual conditions that have, at their root, a chemical/hormonal imbalance are particularly difficult to deal with. It is, literally, that there is "no chemistry." All the other things that it draws in like rejection and/or betrayal complicates things because we have our own histories and our pasts to drive our internal conversation. That internal monologue is strong and hard to turn off or to stop listining to.
Know this, without the sexual component to your marriage the nature of your marrriage will change. It alreaady has simply as an outcome of the affair, and whether you've forgiven her or not, it will be in the background for some period of time if not always. By it's nature, an affair is a betrayal that has all sorts of effect on the sexual relationship. While your love for her may sustain and keep the marriage from dissolving, you may find (as I have) that your relationship is reduced to something where there is little or no physical intimacy and you are little more than friends and housemates.
Also know that, with the diagnosis of a bi-polar disorder, both of you have been given a "justification" for the behavior (both the affair and the loss of sexual intimacy) making it somehow "acceptable" because it present a reasonable and plausible explanation for the behavior. The drugs also give the same justification. The problem is that you will be left to answer the following: do I stay in a marriage that is non-sexual knowing that may be fundamentally caused by a chemical/hormone imbalance.
Do you (or does she) leave the marriage because of this chemistry problem if it can't otherwise be treated?
That is a question you will ultimately have to answer.
I love my wife and I have ultimately "settled" for a life of no sex. But after my first marriage, I would not have chosen that as a path for my second marriage. Had I known that this is the outcome that I was faced with, I would not have gotten married again (not a position she is really all that happy contemplating). But she also hasn't suggested that I need to be with someone else.
It isn't easy to give up the dream of the life and marriage you wish to have. Reality can be a challenge.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
Thanks to my participation on the DB forums, I now undertsand that we have to choose our reality or it will be chosen for us.
I am more than happy to choose a reality with a willing and available female lover and sexual partner. Someone who a withdrawal of intimacy and affection would affect as much as it does me.
There was a woman I know who got married and instituted a "30 day rule". If over a 30 day period that her sexual and intimate needs were not met at least once, she would look outside the relationship to get them met. This was because she noticed at over 30 days, her sexual drive and desire started to wane. She had to take care of this part of herself, and felt it was very selfish for someone else to choose to do this to her.
Also, once every 30 days was not an option either, because someone who wants to "give" the bare minimum could try to sneak that one in.
I used to think it was mean. Now I don't think it's mean at all. I think a relationship should have these understandings up front.
Unless she has you chained to the basement, you have the choice to go by yourself. If she doesn't like it, then tell her to find out what is going on. If not, then she can't tell you not to go.
A little bit of knowledge can help everyone.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
