After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[NLW]

k-g,
please know that we are here for you and that we understand completely how you are feeling.

There's a light all the way over on the other side of the world that's shining away as I walk with you - on the same path it appears to me - through this terrible time.
I know that we'll both get through it.

I'm here,
NLW.

[labug]

I agree with both of GM's posts.

Thank god we live in the age of good antidepressants. Trying to muscle through it does not make you strong.

If you're on an AD maybe you need to try a different one.

[needgrace]

Hi KG..

I know it has been a rough few days with Derek Jeter going down and those pesky tigers.

and I join you in struggling mightily this weekend..

so lets you and I support each other in picking ourselves off the ground and deciding that we will be okay no matter what.. if you do it, i will too..

you are a BEAUTIFUL person KG... and smart...and caring.. and so many other great adjectives... that you can not see right now.. but others can and WILL..

we can do this!! and grow and come out better on the other side of it. we just need to get back to the picnic with the people who know how we feel (and maybe do a few shots)

((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))

[keep_going]

NLW, GMom, Bug, Grace - thank you for caring and being here.

There are so many things that have been going on in my mind that are keeping me down lately.

The biggest one is that I am not progressing with my changes as I would like. I am not even talking about H right now, I mean just me, being more patient, more detached of what hurts me, more loving and compassionate, less judgmental, more forgiving, less angry...

I am overwhelmed to say the least. Finances, the daily routine, D process, the kids. I seem to be just trying to survive these past couple of weeks and when I finally have a break or time for myself, I have just been too exhausted and depressed and become paralyzed.

I also just found out that my best friend is moving out of state and that has me devastated as well. She has been there for me all this time, listening, supporting me and helping out in more ways I can describe. The truth is that I don't have a lot of friends in LA. First because I don't have a lot of time for a social life (either now or before H left). In addition, most of my social network consisted of mutual friends with H (most have kept their distance since our split for whatever reason), or friends from work, who I don't see much anymore because I am not working and they all are. Plus I have also stayed away from a lot of people because I have not been ready to discuss my sitch.

I still sometimes feel embarrassed to tell people, even after all this time. I know it's not healthy and I should not care, but when I am down like this, people's reactions sometimes seem so tactless to me...I feel (and I know it's mind-reading) that people either feel sorry for me or wonder what kind of person I must be for my H to leave me like that.

I have also been thinking about how I gave up my career, something I enjoyed, where I felt appreciated and productive. I don't regret doing it - it was necessary and I am happy to be home with my kids. But it's hard to give up a lifestyle where you have an important role, people respect you, admire you and listen to you (none of which I was getting from my H for many years). Now I am dealing with my girls, who are struggling emotionally and my little baby boy as a single parent, with no support from H because he doesn't want to admit they are struggling. And so my days consist mainly of kids care, cleaning, kids activities and domestic errands. I have been frustrated and have been reacting with zero patience with the kids lately. Afterwards I feel awful and guilty and get even more frustrated by it.

On the other hand, I am tired of worrying about my financial situation. I have done what I thought best in these last two years to avoid this fiasco and to save money, only to find my H live it up with OW. When the bomb dropped I was just too overwhelmed and shocked and could only focus on my kids and getting through my pregnancy. I was too overwhelmed to try to also save our family's financial situation, so very early on I made the hard decision to leave it on H's hands, which turned out to be a big mistake... I am now tired of living as frugally as possible and feeling I now have no control of what my financial future will look like.

I am also tired of being in limbo with H and trying to stay mentally committed to my marriage and forget about H's actions. I cannot go dark and it's hard to see him almost every day... It's hard to see him so happy, knowing he is living a new life, with a second chance at love with OW while I am just trying to make it one day at a time after being discarded like trash. I cannot describe how rejected and left behind I have felt and how hard it is to find some sense of self esteem sometimes.

And I am just so freaking lonely. I just miss my H, period. I miss my best friend, I miss sharing my life, having someone to talk to, to hang out with, to share my thoughts, to laugh with, to joke with, to raise my kids with, to watch TV with, to enjoy sports with, to go to the beach with, to wake up with and go to bed with. Someone who loves me, appreciates me, wants to hear what I have to say, someone who cares about my feelings, someone who loves me and that I can love as well. I simply miss our family and our life together, period. It's been almost two torturous years not only of being alone, but of having to see the love of my life so detached from me, just treating me like he would any neighbor.

And yes, I feel like I should be feeling better by now. Like I should miss him less now. Like I should not get this down on myself anymore...

Yes, I am depressed. The truth is I have been since H left. When my S was born, my Dr. who knew my sitch with H told me I needed to go on AD because I was also going thru post-partum D... I didn't follow with it. I have always been afraid of ADs, fearing I can become addicted, but I need them. I slowly started to feel better, but it's hitting me hard again. And I just cannot see myself surviving this holiday season if I don't do something. I also need to get back to counseling, but I have to wait until we get some income again...

It just seems like everything is crashing down at once. I am hoping that journaling here will help as well. The kids come back tomorrow AM and I need to be ready for the week, smile on my face, full of energy and ready to try to be the best mom I can for them.

[keep_going]

New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2289420&#Post2289420

[focusing-on-me]

Keep-going, I have been reading your thread and sooooo feel for you and your sitch. You posted on my "infidelity" thread and your comments there were spot on! There are such great people here who care and take the time to post fantastic sincere advice on your thread. Keep your chin up and keep going! You are a beautiful person