I haven't been on here in awhile, trying to keep busy. I had a conversation with H last weekend. I was quite proud of myself, I stayed incredibly calm, and very little tears,practically none, so go me!
Last Saturday my friend and I went to Gettysburg, now we have been ghost hunting since before everyone and their brother had a tv show about it, so we are really not into all the touristy ghost stuff in Gettysburg. We happened to go into a tiny shop who does some of the touristy stuff, but they do actual ghost hunts. They were really nice and found us very amusing, kept trying to talk us into going on one of their ghost hunts. We took their paper, went to get something to eat and looked it over. We went back and decided to go on the 1-3am ghost hunt, and we got lucky no one else signed up! That night I texted H (I was honoring our agreement if one of us wouldn't be home we would let the other know) to let him know I probably wouldn't be home until 4 or 5 am. He responded with OK. We had a great time ghost hunting and I actually got home at 5:30, and slept most of Sunday.
When H got home on Sunday he got this strange look on his face and said, "wild night huh?" I started laughing, and said, "No, but I did something awesome!" (I was still super excited about the experience). He came back and said, "oh yeah, what's that?" and then was like oh no, never mind, it's none of my business. I told him if he wanted to know I would tell him. He did, so I told him. He thought it was cool and said he was glad I had a good time.
Later in the evening we ended up having a conversation, he initiated of course. It was strange through out the conversation he seemed caught up on asking me questions about guys, and making comments (paranoid I guess, even though he "doesn't love me"). He asked if I had found anything out about the house, he said he didn't think I even started working on it, I told him I'm waiting on a couple of people to call or e-mail me back. He went on about how he didn't think I took him seriously. I told him I do, and I understand what he is saying, but I don't accept it, there is a difference. I asked him if he had given any thought to the starting a new and better marriage. He said he's thinking about it, and in the same breath says he still has to leave (um, ok....). I told him he needs to do whatever he needs to make himself happy, but I am standing by my decisions and restated my unconditional love, and my respect for him and that I won't be blamed for his unhappiness. I told him I'm not sitting on some pedestal waiting for him to make up his mind, I'm out ghost hunting, and doing things with friends. I told him yeah, I'm in pain, but I'm choosing joy. He seemed surprised by that. He asked me why I want to stay at the house. I said because it's our home, and it will continue to be my home if you leave, we've put so much work into it, and it's peaceful here, the neighbors don't bother you, you can sit outside and enjoy nature, watch the rabbits run through the yard, etc. Then he randomly asked me about my garden. It was pretty much like most of our conversations, I plant positive seeds, and stand firm, he says he's going to leave. At the end of the conversation he told me he is going to make an effort to be more courteous to me around the house by saying hello, good morning, good night, etc. I told him I would appreciate that because I don't like being treated like the enemy. He said he didn't want me to get my hopes up. I told him I have no expectations. I didn't explain the difference between hope and expectations. LOL He has been saying good night, have a nice day, etc, and it's nice, he still disappears some evenings, can't get too close I guess.
I told my counselor about this conversation. He said it's a good thing he's making that effort, then he had me tell him why. I did. I just told him it's hard for me to have him keep telling me how wonderful I am, but he's still leaving. My counselor then says what does that tell you? I say that it's about him not me. He says exactly. Ok, I know that, have known that, still doesn't make it any easier. My counselor said it's the swings that get me. It's almost like I don't want the positive because I know it's not going to last, that the swing is coming. What a wise man, he's right. The swing gets me, but I do want to positive, I just know what will follow. I'm getting better at all of this though, not taking stuff nearly as personally.
Last Wednesday my car had an extremely flat tire when I backed out of the garage, I couldn't leave the driveway. H was off work that day, he was going out of town. I called him and left a message (he was at the gym). He called me back and told me he would fix it when he got home, he would be there shortly. He did change it, of course I got the usual what would you have done if I wasn't here..... I took the car in town to the same place I did in July, and got 2 new back tires, so all of my tires are new now. I told them they need to name a bay after me cause I'm there so much!
H was actually home all day yesterday, as was I, I had a bunch of housework to do. H did leave to go to the gym, and actually told me he was going to Wal-mart after and asked if there was anything I needed. When he got back, he had actually gotten a bunch of groceries (he's still being weird about eating anything I buy or bring home) and he got the grill out, that's the first time this year and he asked if I wanted a burger!
Oh, and the toothbrush has been in the holder this week, was only out once last weekend. I'm sure everyone was dying to know. j/k LOL
hrm, I'm so glad you had a great time last weekend. Ghost hunting sounded like fun.
The talk you had w/your h sounded like it went well. It gives him something to think about and you were so positive and self assured. Bravo!
In his mind, he is still attempting to separate things and I guess groceries is one area that he can actually see the separation. At least he offered you a burger! LOL!
Ahhhh! The toothbrush! The old boy is staying put these days...that's very interesting.
Thanks for the very positive update! Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah, the swings get ya, mlc is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get when you open the box, or the door... (sorry, just had to be sooper-dooper cheezy...trying to get out of my downward swing)...
I admire your sense of humor through all this...
Have you considered attaching a leash on the toothbrush, you know, like those things the bank has attached to their pens so you can't wander too far with them?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks Snodderly! The grocery thing used to annoy me, now it just makes me laugh. Ok, I can't drink the Coke and OJ because she bought it. LOL You better believe I'm eating the Oreo cookies he bought specifically for me when he went to Wal-Mart the other day! LOL I don't care who bought them!!
Did some ghost hunting this weekend too, at my mom and her H's restaurant. It was a lot of fun! My mom participated a bit, which is always interesting because she's such a chatter box. LOL
Last evening when I got home H was watching a movie, he kept laughing. At one point when I walked through he said hello to me and told me I should watch this movie sometime. I asked what it was called, he told me, and said I think you would like it. I told him I would check it out sometime and thanked him for telling me about it. He did tell me good night last night and told me to have a nice Monday (he would be going to the gym so I wouldn't see him).
T~ Thank you! LOL Hey we have to do anything we can to get out of the downward swing as you put it. You always crack me up! Trying to see the humor through this helps with the depression (well me anyway), which has been trying to weasel it's way back in the last two weeks.... I think I've only been to the gym once, lack of motivation, trying to get back on track and just enjoy the positives and say whatever to everything else. I'm a work in progress.
The mental picture I have of the toothbrush with one of those chains banks keep their pens on is hilarious!!! And then picturing him trying to use it with a short chain on it is even funnier!! I will be laughing about that for a long time, thank you for that!!
So I'm trying to figure out even though I'm seeing these small positive things, and he's actually talking to me like a person on occasion, why do I still feel so crappy (sad, depressed, exhausted)?? Is it because I know he's still got many issues he needs to deal with? Or the what happens next? Or the how would I ever trust him again? Or could it be in less than a month is what should be our 10 year anniversary, and if it's like any other special occasion I will be barely, if even acknowledged....I have got to get a grip, but I feel like I keep slipping.... I just don't know what to do.....
More detachment? I just don't know. Like I said, it's so freaking hard to hear how wonderful you are and then be told, but I'm still leaving in the same breath. I know, proves his problem, not mine, still svcks though.
Perfect example of what I am talking about. Wednesday evening I was making a cake. I noticed he kept watching me, didn't say anything, I minded my own business. Made the cake, went downstairs and attempted to workout while it cooled, that didn't go well, ended up crying on the floor for some reason (no he didn't hear or see me, he only gets smiley rainbows and sunshine me). Eventually went back upstairs, checked the cake. He went down to the garage and I decided to attempt a different workout (Biggest Loser weight loss yoga), I actually completed it with out becoming a depressed mess. By this time I was able to make the icing for the cake. H was back upstairs at that point, again, watching me, I guess wondering who the cake was for I don't know. I put the finished product in the fridge.
The next morning I put the little Happy Birthday letters on the cake, sat it on the table, along with a small bowl of extra icing. H came out to the kitchen and was making his breakfast, kept eying the cake. Finally he says to me, "You having a bowl of icing for lunch?" I started laughing and said, "No, but don't think it didn't cross my mind. But it's not my icing. It's the extra I made for my co-workers birthday cake because I know how much she likes my peanut butter icing." He said looked at me and said, "Yeah, that's you always thinking of others before your self." He had that sad, half depressed look on his face. I just looked at him a second, smiled and said, "Yep, that's me." I didn't know what the heck to say. WTF? It would have been funny (in my head anyway) to say, "Yeah, thinking of someone other than yourself, you should try it sometime." I DID NOT SAY THAT, just thought it!!! I know if I would have said it, it would have totally backfired and I'm sure fantasy relationship girl would be getting the attention.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling, my mental state is just that way at the moment.... Happy Friday all!
hrm, I'm sorry you are having a touch couple of days. It's normal. Life has a way of hitting you squarely between the eyes sometimes. It's okay to cry and feel down...it's your way of healing and getting stronger in the process.
As for your h, he's just a confused mess right now and still needs some time to work on his issues. He appears to be interested in what you are doing all of the time and yet, he keeps you at a distance. His comment is quite interesting and yes, I understand your thoughts on pointing out to him he should try thinking of others, but it would have gone completely over his head right now.
I hope that you have something special planned for the weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Using my sooper-dooper mind-reading powers of people I don't even know who happen to be in mlc...maybe he is "seeing" you and questioning himself that he is doing the right thing? He might also be aware of the anniversary coming up, but maybe not, my W wasn't...or maybe he just wanted a piece of cake and was trying to plan a stealth way of getting one without having to ask....who knows?
I would notice my W looking at me sometimes. I thought I could see what she was thinking...sometimes "WTF are you still doing here?", sometimes, "Am I sure I want to leave, he's not THAT bad?", sometimes, "Huh? that's new, wtf is he up to now?" We know by now that all this mind-reading we just can't help doing is pure speculation...no way to really know until/unless they tell us...even then they may not know what they are really thinking. So, just enjoy the noticing you, the positive things you see, just enjoy them for what they are in the moment they happen, and don't attach too much of yourself to them.
I am sorry you had that sadness, picturing your description breaks my heart, I don't want anyone to feel that way. I guess it is what has to happen, our emotions DO need to be felt and experienced, and with our in-house mlc'ers we have to be "on show" all the effin' time and keep these things to ourselves...but they (our emotions) demand a hearing and outlet sooner or later. For me, it's weight-lifting and projects requiring hand and power tools, I have only cried a few times through this (but hey, that is progress for me, I never cried before).
Quote:
I just looked at him a second, smiled and said, "Yep, that's me."
You have no idea how attractive that really is...H knows, somewhere inside, that he has gold, and may lose it....
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm sorry to hear working out made you cry. I have that problem sometimes. I hate when it happens at the gym.
And on my 4.25 mile walks no one can see. Hang in there, you are an inspiration. And can you share the peanut butter frosting recipe? I'm guessing it goes on a chocolate cake?
I came up with some great hummus variations here lately. My oldest son went vegan, and I'm trying to be supportive.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
snodderly~ Thank you! I am trying really, really hard to pull myself out of this sadness, depression, being down, whatever you want to call it.... but it's not letting go of me so easily, but clearly I'm not one to give up a fight! LOL
I did go ghost hunting with my dear friend last night, and she's coming over today, we are going to do a little spa day here at my house, we've never done that before, so it should interesting. Tomorrow I'm going to some women's picnic with another friend, I have no idea what it's all about but hey games and free food how can't it be good?
T~ OK, so I am STILL laughing at this, "Using my sooper-dooper mind-reading powers of people I don't even know who happen to be in mlc..."
I know I have the problem of over thinking and over analyzing, it's just part of who I am, trust me, I try to stop myself, doesn't work, on the up side, I don't let it cause me anxiety anymore and I can let the thoughts go more easily. Yea, a positive! I'm on a kick about being positive, and seeing the positives (in situations and people). This is no only brought on by dear one in MLC, but a lot of negative stuff/people at work, and I'm determined to not let it bring me down. I will kill them with kindness!! HAHA! Also, my counselor has assigned me homework, I have to make a list of every positive experience I have had since I've graduated high school, so that will be a long list....I'm sure that's the point.
You are right T about the emotions needing to be felt and experienced, I just tire of crying so frequently and being sad. I discussed this with my counselor, and he said, "Why wouldn't you be crying? You are dealing with a very difficult situation." I know this, but I just feel like shouldn't I be used to this pain by now that it shouldn't affect me like this? I don't know.... My counselor continues to tell me how well I am dealing with this all, he's quite impressed. What can I say, I'm trying my best.
The "being on show all the time" with our in home MLCers as you put it, does take it's toll, I think that is part of why I'm exhausted! It's not easy to always be rainbows and sunshine, especially if you've had a bad day or days or even week at work and you just don't have it in you, but you still have to try..... exhausting! T I also must tell you when you said this, "You have no idea how attractive that really is...H knows, somewhere inside, that he has gold, and may lose it...." It made me teary eyed, but they were good tears, thank you, that means a lot to me.
Wendy~I am so glad to hear I'm not the only one who's had the in the middle of the workout at the gym and all of a sudden wants to start bawling moment! LOL I thought I was the only one, now I feel less crazy! Thank You!! Perhaps I need to start working out more outside the gym, with less people in the event of random crying attacks!
I would love to share the peanut butter icing recipe, but here is the problem, I don't measure anything for it.... I just put in what looks about right, taste it, and if need be adjust, that's how my mom taught me to make icing. LOL But the next time I make it, I can try to measure it, I would do that for you. Or even if you would like I can tell you all the ingredients and do a guesstimate. Oh, and yes, it does go on a chocolate cake, I use devil's food cake mix, it's usually more moist then just chocolate cake mix.
LOL vegan, that doesn't sound fun.... I believe food was meant to be enjoyed, but that's just my opinion, good luck to him. I do LOVE hummus though! I really like the roasted red pepper kind. YUM!
I feel your pain so much, I really do. It still never ceases to amaze me how someone who we love so much could hurt us so badly. And the worst part... Seemingly not to care.
I read your recent post, and had a flashback...
We had our 10 year anniversary back in June. I think I did some things right, some things wrong, and some I'm just not sure about.
I think both of us were feeling anxious about the looming anniversary date. I decided that I was not going to bring it up, and see what happened. About 2 weeks before the date, he brought it up. Asked me if I wanted to do something. I told him that was up to him and how he was feeling. He asked if we were buying presents, and I said no, but I got you a card. Of course then he actually asks me if he should buy me a card - real normal!!! I told him only if he wanted to.
As the day got nearer, I secretly made plans with a friend for the day. If he came around and wanted to do something, great. If not, I would not sit home and wallow.
Well, he never did ask me to do anything, and instead made other plans. Nice.
Of course I was upset. That morning, I went to give him my card and he said he would open it later. Ouch.
So I kept my cool until he left. Then I had a screaming, crying, door slamming, pillow punching, give him the finger repeatedly tantrum. And I felt better.
When he got home that night, he came upstairs to change. On his way out the bedroom door, he wished me a happy anniversary and thanked me for the card. He asked if I minded that he didn't get me one. I said it was okay. He said "I just don't feel like celebrating much of anything right now." I believe that is partially true.
The strange thing is... About an hour later, he comes back up to sleep in bed for the night. He's been sleeping on the couch since January.
I think that whether they openly acknowledge a special occasion or not, they do think about it. My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks, and I have been doing a daily "no expectations!" mantra.
One thing my friend said to me they really helped. She said that years from now, this one anniversary will be insignificant. That it's more important to work on the relationship than to focus on special occasions. This helped me to get a different perspective, and look at it from the big picture.
Don't get me wrong. I still feel sadness and disappointment when I think about it. Last year, we talked about going away to celebrate 10 years. We ended up not celebrating it at all.
But I survived it. You will too.
Hang in there, I know it's tough. Just keep taking it day by day.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I had a conversation with H last weekend. I was quite proud of myself, I stayed incredibly calm, and very little tears,practically none, so go me! 
