Hi, all of you #2

[doubleAA]

Eric,

Why am I afraid of losing her?

I am afraid of losing her because I created a world in which she was the most important person in my life. I worked my azz off to put her in front of every personal need I might have. I have asked myself this question several times, and I've come to the conclusion of the way I was rised, and the belief of one partner for life.

10 yrs ago, I promised her I will die old by her side, and always be present to protect her until the date one of us will be gone to meet our Maker.

This is where my up-bringing comes to play. I was raised by my Grandparents, and as you know in hispanic culture family always comes first. My Papa was a great man and I am not saying this because he is my grandpa, but because he was a man who can "talk the talk, and walk the walk". I have always looked up to his teachings and the way he was, once I asked him what my Mama meant to him. He was 70 yrs old when I ask him that question, and he said: "She is the love of my life, the woman the Lord gave me, and the woman the Lord put in my life to give me a family". I have always come back to this answer when I see my W, She is the love of my life, the woman the Lord gave, and the woman He put in my life to give me a family."

I am afraid to lose her because I do not know how to function without my family. I have the need to protect them, to always patch their way without them having to struggle. I am afraid of letting go, because they will struggle, and I feel guilty because of the promise I made. This is where I differ from my Papa, he really knew his role as man, as parent, and as where his boundaries to guide us was. This is why I say he could talk the talk, and walk the walk, many times he was there to protect us, to reprimend us and most important of all to allow us to make our own decisions and mistakes and with our own tools build our character and personal growth.

I, in the other hand, got stuck in wanting to do everything for my family, and now that I see my family far off, I feel desperate.


I was 26 yrs old, she was 32 when we met, I honestly did not know what I was promising until I started to know the Lord on a personal level, at this point I realized what that promise was. As I posted on Grateful, we not always decide what is right because of what might cost us, and that is the reason I never married her, but now I am living with the pain of not doing the right thing, all this internal struggles of letting go of her is really painful, and by far outweights the price I have to pay for doing the right thing. In this case, I know I have to detach, move on to fix myself, and that is the right thing to do, I am just too afraid of doing what is right because of the price I have to pay. In my case the fear of losing the woman I love, yet again, IS SHE MINE TO LOSE? The right thing is just to let her go, for now.

I mentioned before that I pray for a miracle, and that this prayer was answered. I prayed for a specific sign that my family will be restored, and I received that specific sign. Days passed by and I started doubting and believing it was just a coincidence. I was driving home, and I asked the Lord to give that same sign at that very moment, and as soon as I finished asking for it, it was right in front of me. I do believe in the power of prayers and believe my family will be restored. It will be in the Lord's time not in mine, but now I am understading that this time, He is allowing me to fix myself with Him, otherwise what am I going to offer my family? A loser? A man without spirit? No, it is not what the Lord and I want.

It still hurts seen my W behaving the way she has because as you said it before, I am trying so hard to make her change her ways, but is not up to me is to His time. This is where patience and self control has to come into play. Eric, this are some and more answers inside of me, which I already know. Why don't I put them into practice? I left my cojones in my W's purse, LOL..

Eric, if many other disagree with you, I do not.

I do not who Alain really is

I do not know who Alain is outside of his Partner

I am scared to face that other than her, what else I have?


I have my self

I have my boys

I have my 4 Moms (Granda, Mom, Aunt, and SMom)

I have my Papa (past away 10 years ago, months after I met my W)

I have my Dad (biological)

I have my brothers and sisters

I have my cousins

I have my aunts

I have my nephews and nieces

I have my health

I have my work

I have a place to call home

I have a car to drive

I have a church I can call home

And most important of all, I have the Lord.

Thanks, Eric I feel you are here next to me with your hand holding my shoulder.. I appreciate it brother, more than you can imagine. There is many ways the Lord shows his mercy, and your are one of them..

[ericmsant2]

Aa

I do not who Alain really is

I do not know who Alain is outside of his Partner

FOCUS on THESE TWO THINGS ^^^^^

How do you get to know Alain? You spend time with him, you invest in him, you try and find things that Alain may like to do, you really put all of your energy into Alain..

Time papa...time...

Give YOURSELF for once in your life time. Now is the time for YOU to finally take care of Alain!

Any plans for the weekend?

[doubleAA]

Eric,

I have been consumed in going over and over trying to change my XW, make her see that I am the best choice, that we have a beautiful thing going on, that our love is still intact. Who am I foolishing with this? Still, the fight continues, I am not going to lie to myself anymore, She is the love of my life and my desire is to die old by her side.

The strategy needs to change, I am deeply scared to do the opposite of what I have been doing, but it has not worked at all. I just see a manipulative person in my XW and I have given her all the power.

How am I going to face my fears? I am praying everyday to have a changed attitude, a changed heart. You mentioned something very valuable "I must die so He can live in me" I am praying for that, it is me who needs the fixing and the old Alain needs to die for the new one to be born again. I do trust in the Lord and His strenght will be my strenght. It might seem foolish to many, but what can we do without faith?

As I say, I am confident my family will be restored. It is just a matter of time, time I need to restore my self thru the power of the Lord. When I am whole, when I can say I do not need W to be everything in my life, is when I can actually offer my best to them because I will be the best I can be.

It is still to early to say I can claim the victory, I am hurting and my desires still goes to my XW, but I am working to give myself the place I deserve in my own heart.

Thank Eric,

Plans for the weekend, I have a little drafting project I have to finish, go to church and visit my Mom.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm struggling with the same thing right now. Who am I and do I like myself?
I have no real advise but I just wanted to let you know your not alone in feeling this way. I just got back from IC and she told me I'm all about H. I didn't even realize that I was still that way. It sounds like your thae same right now. It's going to be a long, hard road ahead but you can do it!

[ericmsant2]

AA

I have been consumed in going over and over trying to change my XW, make her see that I am the best choice,[quote]
1) who controls what you are consumed with?
2) “Make her”…AA…you can NEVER MAKE SOMEONE do something that they do not want to do. Take a drug addict, do you think talking to them until you are blue in the face will make them stop drugs. Take the gospel, do you think beating someone over the head with a bible will strengthen their faith. NOPE. Everyone makes a choice AA. Your partner has made her. YOU can make a different choice. More on this in a sec…

[quote]we have a beautiful thing going on, that our love is still intact. Who am I foolishing with this?

Right now you are only fooling yourself. No one else.

Still, the fight continues, I am not going to lie to myself anymore, She is the love of my life and my desire is to die old by her side.

What is Love to you AA? Can you do me a favor and DESCRIBE it. How do YOU feel love and how do YOU give it? Be as specific as you can be.

How am I going to face my fears? I am praying everyday to have a changed attitude, a changed heart.

One other piece of scripture….”FAITH WITHOUT DEED is USELESS”…

You can pray and I agree that you should pray everyday…but sitting home praying and doing NOTHING may not yield the result that you NEED (note I did not say “WANT”). Let me explain….

Right now, I suspect that YOU FEEL LIKE YOU can CHANGE HER. Ya can’t. Right now, I suspect that YOU CHOOSE to KEEP TRYING TO CHANGE HER. It will be unsuccessful. The reason, is that the only person that you have control over is YOU. This is where ‘CHOICE” comes in. IMO, you have a few options…

1) Sit home depressed, praying and hoping she will change her mind
2) Sit home and dwell on the fact that she is not there, may be with someone else, or doing whatever.
3) GO out and be depressed and torture your MIND wondering what she is doing.
4) FOCUS ON HEALING YOURSELF, FOCUS on FIGURING WHO YOU are, FOCUS on YOUR HAPPINESS (which BTW, does not mean go get a new GF…at least not now).

So AA…which of the above DO YOU CHOOSE.

it is me who needs the fixing and the old Alain needs to die for the new one to be born again.

First it is the TWO of YOU that need FIXING. Secondly, yes the old you must die (at least the bad habits) and the new YOU (defined by YOU and only YOU) must be born. The problem here is that the FIXER in YOU wants to FIX HER…probably because deep down inside, it is too painful to FIX YOU.

AA, you can run but you can never hide from yourself….NOW papa…is the time! Now is the time to grab hold of your faith…and ask God to give you the wisdom and insight into what and HOW you can be fixed. Then papa…the work starts!

but what can we do without faith?

Nothing…

AA, please man focus on you for NOW. Take the love that you have for your partner and put it in a little box for now. Then really start working on you. Now I bet you are gonna ask or FEEL like “why can’t I fix her and I at the same time”…FIRST you can’t fix her but it you realize that you will continue to try…so I am going to give you another perspective….

God is God – right?
He pretty much can do anything..cause he is God – right?

I you agree, then ask yourself why did God create the EARTH FIRST and then create Adam and Eve?

IMO….Maybe because he did not want to tackle too much at one time. Maybe because he wanted to show us a lesson…that everything happens in its due time.

So…..please man…focus on YOU for NOW.

God Bless,
Eric

[doubleAA]

Lisa,

Thanks for reading my posts and showing your support, just to let you know, I've been fighting this for 6 months now. It has been painful, and I have made a lot of mistakes which you can read on my posts and hope you can get some wisdom out of them. God bless you, and I pray for the restoration on your marriage, do not give up on it and do not let anyone tell you are wrong and should move on with your life. If you are married by church, just remember that you are stll married in the Lord's sight. NO ONE CAN TELL YOU IT IS OVER..

[doubleAA]

isa,

Thanks for reading my posts and showing your support, just to let you know, I've been fighting this for 6 months now. It has been painful, and I have made a lot of mistakes which you can read on my posts and hope you can get some wisdom out of them. God bless you, and I pray for the restoration on your marriage, do not give up on it and do not let anyone tell you are wrong and should move on with your life. If you are married by church, just remember that you are stll married in the Lord's sight. NO ONE CAN TELL YOU IT IS OVER..

[doubleAA]

Eric,

Yesterday I wrote that I have been consumed in trying to change my XW, and it is in agreement with you that is only me who controls me. I have let fear control my actions and by consequence I have made the wrong decisions, nothing that has made my XW get close to me, other than to get something out of me. I have been foolish allowing that somebody else can determine my own happiness.

I have been posting lately that I have been praying for a change in my attitude. Your reply was that you feel I am praying without doing anything and you suspect I am praying for God to change my XW. I can tell you on this that I pray for my self first, I am the one going thru this and my XW is going on thru hers. I do want my XW to change, but I want to change first and be on the point that her actions are hers to deal with.

For the last six months I have tried so hard to change her, I have lied to my self that I can go on with my life without her. I have lied to my self, and I have found a lot of peace in prayer that allows me to continue to live day by day.

You also quoted "Faith without deeds is useless". I agree with you and see the urge to stop fooling my self and start fixing myself. You mentioned several options and by far I have gone thru all of them, I have been home depressed praying for a changed W, I have been home depressed wondering who she is with, and have gone out torturing my self in thinking about her.

I have stoped all this to a certain point. I am still praying, but it is more for me, for my well being. I am puting her on the Lord's hand, and it has allowed me to focus a bit more on other things rather than her. It has been slow, and I need to make more adjustments, and first is to lose my fears. So your suggestions on how you faced yours are appreciated, I know you might say: "I can not tell you how to change because you will become me", but Eric, I do not want to become you, but a little kickstart would help..

This past weekend I've been getting the grasp of exactly what you are saying, I am trying to fix my self and hers at the same time. No, I can not fix her, but me only, and that where my prayers come in place, so I can get wisdom to fully understan that is ME the only one I can change. As I said yesterday, I have the answers inside of me, I realize that and have to dig deep inside to face my fears.

You have asked a really tough question: What does LOVING HER means to me? At this point, I can not give you a coherent answer because the only answer I have is that loving her means the pain I have in my heart. I can tell you that I have to love her to set her free, and it is when I will be set free. I have that understood, I guess is the beggining..

And most of all you are right, everything is on due time, I have to start tackling one thing at a time. Eric I was not doing anything before, absolutely nothing. The first step was to go back to church, and start learning about God, so I can learn about me. I want to say that is my 1st step. Everything else, going to the gym, going out, and all other stuff was just pretending. I started going to church to find answers about how to change my W, but the Lord has shown me that is me who needs Him first. Honestly!!

Thank you Eric..

[ericmsant2]

AA

I need to make more adjustments, and first is to lose my fears. So your suggestions on how you faced yours are appreciated, I know you might say: "I can not tell you how to change because you will become me", but Eric, I do not want to become you, but a little kickstart would help..

Okay so you want a kick start…here goes. (Note: what you put in to YOU is what you will be out – so you give half ass effort…you end up with a half a** AA).

What does LOVING HER means to me

No I did not ask that question. More on this in a bit.

AA,

I want you to write down the following: Note, your responses DO NOT HAVE TO BE ABOUT HER..right now, I can give a rats a** about her.

1) List the 5 things that you are the most scared off/about AND WHY you are scared.
2) List 5 dreams that you have and HOW you plan to achieve them.
3) Tell me HOW YOU GIVE LOVE TO SOMEONE. How do you express YOUR love to your friends, family and YOURSELF.
4) Tell me HOW YOU LIKE TO RECEIVE OR HOW YOU FEEL LOVE. What things do you really like people to do to/for you.
5) What are your days like…write down what you do during a normal day from beginning to end.

Take as much as time as you need. Think long and hard about your responses.

[doubleAA]

Thanks Eric,

Yup, going back you asked what loves mean. Not what my love for her means. One thing, I realized right now, is everything is about her. I will take my time to answer your question. It is a pretty good question that needs me to dig inside me and be honest about it. I can tell so many vain things about what love means, but they would not be the truth.