Life is still very tough to deal with at the moment, but there are some little things to be thankful for. For instance, I have been getting D8 overnight 2 on and 2 off. We will be going back to the mediator Thursday to hopefully put in place a longer term schedule, and gradually start including my youngest in the rotation. That's a complete 180 from 10 days ago. Also, exchanges have been fairly pleasant.
I mentioned something to W yesterday I've been working on in IC, and she said she was interested in hearing more about it another time.
I gave her the card and mentioned that it was just something I hoped would bring a laugh. I wrote "when I first met you I was scared to talk to you, so I tried to imagine you in your underwear. Which was really hard because I was already imagining you naked!" then I made a statement similar to what Starsky suggested about the memories.
She took it with her and texted later that it did make her laugh and she appreciated it, and thought about me today.
Well, we are having an agreement drafted by the mediator. There is a transition over the next 4 months to transition to a full 50/50 custody arrangement by Jan 1. It will be 2 2 3 beginning on Mondays. It works out that we have alternating 3 day weekends. For the next 4 months I am giving W my Sunday nights. This schedule only applies to D8. D2 will be gradually placed into the same rotation over the next 4 months as well, but I won't begin having her overnight until Oct. and then only once a week for two weeks, then twice, then days in succession.
Overall, I'm content with how it will end up. Still bothered by having to give her my nights (as if it's somehow harder for her to adjust than me), but realize it's only 8 days to ultimately get what I was seeking.
I'm looking forward to shifting some focus back to myself and the changes I want to take place. GALing, PMA, 180's, etc.
The work has yet to really begin, but I feel so much better about my sitch than even a week ago. I do believe there's hope, and I am committed to changing myself for the better.
The schedule makes detaching a little easier, because all kid exchanges will be done from school/daycare and not in person. Part of me wants to see W to have her witness any change, but I also don't want any negative interactions.
So...here I go. DBing to the best of my ability, with the help of all of you.
I hope to post (journal) often to gauge any progress and seek much needed advice and encouragement.
It was you along with several others that helped me realize my kids deserve to have me in their life as much as their mother. I'm proud of myself, and perhaps not now, but at some point I believe W will respect and be proud of the fact I chose to fight for equal time.
I haven't always "tended the garden", but I have the chance to be the best father I can be going forward. A change I hope makes a difference in my kids lives, and perhaps even change W's perception of me.
W and I are planning to take D's shopping for school clothes together tomorrow. Having addresses the BIG area of conflict between us, I'm hopeful of a pleasant day together. I'm preparing myself now on how to be, and what to avoid as topics of discussion. I'm also looking forward to it as an opportunity to show our girls that although the dynamics have changed, we are still very much a family.
I am going to go into it with a PMA, looking good, friendly, and without expectations. I'm trying to fill my mind with benign things to chat about, and hope for some laughter and ending it all as a positive experience.
